Today was just one of those days where the doing of the day just wasn’t happening.
Winter storm, outside.
Work/life storm, inside.
Chili made, but tasteless.
Calls waiting, to be taken.
Sad, about my friend’s passing.
Sad, because Dad’s birthday is just a few days away.
Sad, because I can’t talk to mom about dad’s birthday almost here.
Sad, because of being so exhausted from trying not to be sad and keeping it moving.
Called my wombie, told her of my sad. Told her I just didn’t have the fight, today. Not, today. Told her I was sad. She gave me permission to climb down from the world and to BE sad, for a bit.
I climbed down, and was sad.
I rested.
I awoke.
I walked to the casket which bore all of life’s sad things. I gazed at it, in understanding. I placed a flower upon it, gave one last glance…
*Cassandra looks at the discouragement that has been incessantly and consistently trying to get in*
Ha!
*Cassandra tells discouragement to go on head and kick rocks already!*
I got this.
Ha!
I’m a bad mamma jamma!
Some days, beloveds, it’s important to declare to this world that ‘homie don’t play that!’. It’s imperative to tell fear, anger, despair, discouragement and ALL the emotions that pop up, hidden in situations and circumstances, intent on getting us to get all up in our feelings about this thing or that happening.
It’s okay, to not be okay.
It’s okay, to feel this way or that way.
What is NOT okay, is to take out the sunscreen and take up residence in our feelings. Feel them. Do what needs to be done. Then, get back after it. Get back to being about it.
Life is good, even when it’s hard. Let the hard do what it do. You do what YOU must/can do.
I talked to someone, today, who made it crystal clear that folk like me, persons of color, are not ‘fit’ to live among ‘decent’ folk. Apparently, us folk of color should be…
*sigh*.
I found him terribly sad and said a prayer for him. Must be tough carrying around so much hate.
It DOES get old, beloveds, being forced account for, apologize for, be grateful for EVERY breath/step, we, as persons of colored, are ALLOWED to have/take upon the earth.
*sigh*
I must admit, it gets exhausting, old even, having to forever take the high road.
I was talking, to a white friend, and she told me she didn’t know how I was not forever angry. I told her, I MUST take the high road. Else, I would literally be angry 24/7 due to the lack of opportunities, out and out foolishness I have to fight/dealwith/carry on a 24/7 basis. Simply because I am a woman of color. Simply for BEING a woman, period.
*sigh*
Yet, I fight on. Why? Because love, will eventually win over hate. And, light WILL put out the darkness. It will. It will.
Still, it gets old.
Let’s be good to one another, beloveds. Even to the knuckleheads who don’t know better, who haven’t been raised better, who don’t care to get better. Especially, to them. They need a whole lotta love. They must be hurting, quite a bit, to be so hurtful.
Anywho, thought I would share a bit of me, a bit of care, a bit of time, a bit of love with ALL. No matter what you look like, no matter if you choose to dismiss my care because of what I look like. I love you. Still. STILL.
Say.
Live.
Love.
We got this.
Don’t let the darkness scare you. The darkness is terrified of me! It KNOWS I can scrap whether I am the kitty or the tiger.
I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Not literally. I feel like emotionally, I am all put of coffee, creamer and sugar. All I have, mom, is an empty coffee cup. Empty, waiting for someone, for Life, for God, for others(?), to bring round coffee fixings, to fill my cup. To fill ME, up, mom.
I’m not feeling empty. Just in need of a bit of pampering, I guess.
Last night, mom, I thought about my life. Thought about the words I try and put out into this big old thing called Earth. I thought of words, traveling countless miles, to and into, hopefully, hearts that I shall never meet. Hearts that shall never touch mine. Hearts that won’t fill this empty cup.
I could use a cup of coffee, mom. Til then, I shall do my utmost to fill the cup, of others.
Too often, we think we need something else before we can make our dreams come true. We need more:
Money.
Time.
People.
Places.
Things.
We wait for:
Greener, grass.
Heftier, bank accounts.
More useful, people.
More, education.
Different, pastures.
We can’t/don’t imagine that WE are enough. That WE have enough.
We look around, look down at what we think we do have, don’t have, won’t get, can’t fix, and remain silent, give up the try, walk away from the thing, thinking it can and never will happen.
STOP!
Turn, around!
Go, back. Go, back.
TRY.
Say.
Live.
Love.
You have the matches, beloveds. You ARE the matches you need to light up this world.
Get after it.
Get a goin’.
Life is much too short. Yet, long enough to do all you would like to do.
The following account may or may not be pertaining to real life, true events. Depending on whom one believes…
Wombie: What are you doing? WHERE is today’s blog posts?
Me: I’m chillaxing. I worked hard all week. I decided to take off today and just chillax.
Wombie: Who cares! Get my post pages.
Me: Why don’t you blog yourself and read your own?
Wombie: Because I want to read yours. You have me spoiled.
Me: I’m comfortable now. ALL I want to do is to keep enjoying these YouTube videos and get ready for tomorrow’s Championship games. I just wish I had a glass of milk and peanut butter bars. THEN, today would be perfect. It’s nice now but sure would have enjoyed some milk and bars about now.
Wombie: Why don’t you go get some? In the five minutes you have been carrying on you could have been halfway to the store.
*Cassandra argues against for another five minutes. Cassandra ponders that the store is literally five minutes from the house and she could have been to the store already*
Me: Brb
🤷♀️
It is now a half hour later. Am sitting in the car, fully snacked up and yakking at mom. Smartly, deftly, I have also managed to turn this into a blog post, thereby taking care of Wombie’s preposterous blog request.
She was right. Life IS short. Why settle for aite when one can make a tiny bit of effort to truly enjoy the moment/day?
It has been hard, scooping through grief, hard, and who gives a damn. I still have not been able to make my chili. At least, I took the meat out of the freezer to thaw. Perhaps, by thaw’s end, my heart will have thawed enough to prepare and enjoy chili once again. My friend would want me to. Yet, she understands that my heart is just not ready, not just yet, to fully let her go.
I’m okay with that, for now. In times past, I would have forced myself. Would have told myself to ‘get over it’. I would have trampled over my heart’s care in order to rush to the care of others.
I would have stayed silent. Broken, whilst trying to stitch up the heart of another. Doing both hearts a disservice.
Though broken, shattered, devastated, I have healed enough to have joy, in the meantime, in the middle, betwixt the hardness and madness called these present days.
Though hurting, I sit, joyful, quiet, reflecting on snacks waiting to be enjoyed. Yes, life hurts, now. But, life is also joyful. I live, now, in the NOW. I no longer lament what was lost. Now, I enjoy the memories from the lives no longer here.
I am here.
Still.
I choose life.
I choose now.
I choose me.
Life is short, beloveds. Yet, long enough to make a difference.
I love this! More often, than not, I feel like the kitty, and not the tiger in the reflection.
I feel like the kitty, today, missing mom so much it’s hard to breathe. Yea, I have been trying to roar, as the tiger, today, yet my heart is squealing, much like the kitty.
Only, no one can see, save me. Folk hear and respond, to the roar. Can they see, do they see, the kitty that is now me? I wonder.
If I show the world, show you, the kitty in me, will the world care? Or, do they only give two hoots to the roaring, encouraging, be about it tiger?
I wonder.
Still, I shall roar, best as can. With all I am.
The kitty in me. She is hungry. Think I shall make her some chili and see what she will say to me.
Meow.
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
P.S. Don’t get it twisted. This kitty can still scratch out some eyes! We fight on…
If someone has done something that has moved you, let them know.
If someone has made you smile, let them know.
If someone gives your heart a tug, let them know.
I was thinking, of mom. So much so, I almost reached for the phone…*sigh*.
I can no longer, tell her, in person. Yet, I can speak to her, in my heart and do.
I have spent some delish hours, this week, yakking with my sisters and my big brother. Laughing, over foolish things. Pondering, over serious things. Enjoying every moment. Not knowing, how many more moments, we shall have.
Tell somebody.
If you don’t have a somebody, get some. The world is full of lonely folk. Folk who could use your shoulder, ear, compassion, love.
Life is short. Yet, long enough for us to make a difference in each other’s lives.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 
thanks for the check-in Cassandra. I’ve been on edge and restless the last few days. I have a flight coming…