Category: Writing

Real talk: When one cup just won’t do.

Keeping it real. Am on my third, or is it fourth, cup of coffee. Even my Kuerig is muttering ‘what’s up with her?!’

One thing, after another. Yet, I keep on keeping on. Surprising really. Didn’t sleep much if at all. Again. Fought the night, night beat holy hell outta me. Fought the day, work beat holy hell outta me. Fought to stay out of my feelings, feelings ran all down the front of my shirt.

Fought, discouragement. Must say, I beat ten kinds of hell outta discouragement!

Ha!

Fought, fear. Told fear don’t even step over this way! Fear took one look at this kitty and tore outta the room.

Fought, the world’s belief that this old, broke, loud woman couldn’t/wouldn’t make a different. Told the world to go on head and kick rocks and watch me BE the difference, somehow, someway, in even a tiny way. Just watch me, world!

Ha!

Fought, myself and the limitations I had placed upon my dreams. Kick rocks, I told me. Get on up and outta my way. I got things to do, words to write, folks to love, folks to love me back(eventually), things to do, places to go, peeps to me.

Ha!

Just keep fighting. Just kept swinging. Just kept having another cup as I chair danced, laughed, frustratingly cried, munched double chocolate chip cookies through the madness called today.

I thought of my young friend, who can no longer fight, and fought in her stead.

“I got you, my friend. I got you. I shall keep on going. Ms. C shall keep it moving, beloved”.

It is quiet, now. The work day, ended. My heart, winded. Yet, I remain:

Here.

Steadfast.

Strong.

Steady.

Love.

Cherished.

Heard.

By, God.

By, Life.

By, me.

By, those who see and love me. For those who can’t, I have tried. Nothing more I can do, say, or be.

Just, me.

I, am.

I, do.

I, will.

Life is sooooooooooooooo short, beloveds. Don’t waste time focusing on the battle. The battle SHALL end. The battle is not here to defeat you, beloveds. It is here, yea, shall stay to teach you, to draw the best out of you, not the rest of you.

The battle is besides the point. Don’t give it wait. Look BEYOND it.

To, your future.

To, your present.

To, your blessings.

See, the world dumbly tries to get us focus on things that just don’t matter. The world wants us struggling to have this, get that, live in this, move out of that. The world just wants us to be eternally unsatisfied and chasing things that just don’t matter.

What matters?

LIVEing.

SAYing.

BEing.

DOing.

Life is short. Too short to be defeated by past or present storms. Laugh at the storm. Tell the storm to go on head and kick rocks already! You CAN and you WILL make it through.

So, what if it is taking longer than you thought, hoped, wish. So, what.

Too bad, if it hurts. Let it hurt and keep it moving. This too, shall pass. Make sure, beloveds, that YOU remain. Still. Always.

Ha!

Rise, beloveds.

Stand up, o precious ones.

Know ye not that your very life is so precious there is NO amount of money or things that can purchase you???!

HA!!

We be queens/kings. We REIGN. We are NOT servants to fear and all manner of doubts and trials which come to try us to see what we are made of.

The kitty in us, roars. Let her roar. You don’t have to be the tiger, always. Just in the game. Just stay in the game. That’s it. Stay in the fight, have one, two, three cups, if needed.

Some days, one cup just won’t do. No matter, we got a lotta more, as Clubber Lang once said…lol…

We got this.

God and Life has us all.

Keep going.

Keep believing.

dancing still for those who can’t quite dance yet,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: For those who are still too tired to fight, rest. I got you. Don’t get down on yourself for needing to step away. Take as long as you need. You got this. And, even when you don’t got this, GOD AND LIFE DOES! Ha!!!!!!!!!

Keep doing you.

Keep doing you.

No matter what.

No matter why.

No matter who.

Have been having to repeat this, to myself, over and over so I can have a job the rest of the day and tomorrow…*angry pout*.

Whew!

It’s a good thing I already had a good chair dance.

A fantastic thing I already had a fabulous cup, then second cup, of coffee.

It’s a job saving thing I had already gotten my soul filled and refilled with some really soothing, life-affirming music.

Cause, circumstances walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, then planted a haymaker right upside my head.

I went from 1 to 100, in my mind, in less than two seconds. Had to count to ten, twenty, take a breath, before wanting to unleash ten cans of whoop ass on any and everybody.

Good thing I know where and how to stand and how to keep my blessed mouth shut until a rational thought/voice could come out of my face.

Yes, what had happened was NOT fair. Yes, I had been screaming to high heaven for more than 8 months for the issue to be resolved. It wasn’t. Yes, I was now being held accountable for things I could not change, control, fix, yada yada. No matter. It affects my pay. Affected, my day. At first.

I got some act right, just barely, and let my management know I would be Open Dooring the situation. It’s a wonder what happens when one knows how to use one’s voice, effectively.

Effectively, beloveds, being the operative world. The world, the enemy, situations, circumstances and some people do their level best to get you all up in your feelings. They want to get you there, to keep you there, to keep you from thinking, and THEN, ONLY then, acting from a good place, from a good heart, with honorable intentions.

I had started a flaming email, flaming I tell ya!, to send right up the food chain. Hot sauce couldn’t have been hotter than my email. I took a breath. Thought of who it would help, who it would hurt and pressed delete. I did NOT want to win that way. I did NOT want to just have my say, hurt feelings, get what I want and leave relationship/fellowship in bad repair. So, I kept it shut.

In fact, have been keeping my mouth/heart shut as I work my way through this tasteless, hard thing called life right now.

Ended up telling my boss that I would be clocking out, after our meeting, as I was still too mad to work and would not take out my mad on the world. He was great. Told me to go on lunch and then see if I wanted to finish the day.

I’m not sure how I will finish the work day. I DO know that I will keep on doing me, no matter what, no matter why, no matter who.

Keep doing you.

doing me,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

You can.

Keep going.

You can.

No matter what it looks like.

No matter what it feels like.

No matter what it tastes like.

Keep going.

You can.

I know. Going is exhausting. Growing is exhausting. Changing is exhausting. Healing is exhausting. All of this is exhausting. Especially when we are tired. Especially when the cards dealt keep being the low cards, the seeming losing hands, the tough hands.

Why, o, why, can’t we get some learning whilst laying on a beach with some fabulous eye candy feeding us grapes as waves lap dreamily and soothingly at our feet?

Why, o, why, must we forever have to be digging through mountains of this, that, the other thing and fighting with ourselves, life, this, that or the other thing.

Enough!

It is enough…

Whew. Think another chair dance, may be in order.

Listen to your heart. If your heart just needs a time of quiet, go on head and climb down from this merrygoround, called life, and rest a bit. Be quiet a bit. Be whatever or nothing for a while.

It has been nice to hide beneath covers, munch on double chocolate chip cookies, think about what I would like to or not like to do with the rest of my life.

I used to think that I had to ALWAYS be Superman. I could never be Clark Kent. Or, for long. Had to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue everyone on EVERY floor.

I didn’t think God and Life appreciated me being the kitty and not forever roaring around being a tiger and forever being the king/queen of the jungle.

As I have kept moving, going, growing, am learning, keep learning, that all I have to do is just to keep on doing, best I can, as long as I can. And, in the meantime, enjoy a bit of coffee, a good conversation, a fun movie and let it all come out in the wash.

These periods, apparently, are needed and necessary.

That being the case, we just have to keep on keeping on til we can no longer keep on. Then, rinse and repeat.

We got this.

We can.

You can.

being about it with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Thanks mom.

Thanks mom. I’m trying to listen now. At least, I am trying now, mom.

LOL.

Nuff said.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Be encouraged.

Be encouraged.

Have taken a break from streaming, long enough to grab a cup of joe and send a bit of cheer your way. Am getting up, for those who are too tired. Am having a cup, for those who don’t have the energy to make one.

I am chair dancing, for those who can’t quite hear the music anymore. I am singing, badly, for those who have temporarily lost their song.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))….

*Cassandra hugs the world whilst singing We Are The World quite badly*

*The end credits run whilst showing a montage of Jaybird dancing round the room in her undies*

We got this, beloveds. Be encouraged.

Life is good. Even when it’s hard.

Keep going.

I go with thee,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Double chocolate chip cookies and Netflix.

Whew.

Whew!

WHEW!!

Chili -1, Cassandra – 0

Tough times truly do reveal who you are. This can be a good or a bad thing. Depending on how you look at it/things.

For the past little while, I have been hiding within my cave of comforters and Netflix. For, days. Days, I am telling you. Have been off work all week, due to system issues, so have spent the days streaming through Netflix, Hulu, HBOMax, Disney+.

I have ‘made it so’ with Picard, fighting Romulons, hiding from The Borg.

I have fought with the Avengers to render Thanos ash, keeping damage to a minimum(what in the fresh hell do these Avengers not understand about NOT destroying the ENTIRE city so folks can actually live there after the enemies have been vanquished).

I have romanced and been romanced, from sea to shining sea, with handsome knaves, brave knights, gentle doctors, cute bakers, cunning lawyers, saved the day/town by raising money for the library/festival and all manner of things small towns do that causes the big meanie corporate raider to fall in love with the fiery mistress of bakery/company being shut down.

I have kicked tail with Reacher to find out what all that animal feed was for…no spoilers here.

All whilst under covers, trying to work out all these why’s that have popped up:

Why, can’t I eat my chili.

Why, is food tasteless.

Why, do I have words in my heart, to share, yet feel hesitant to share them.

Why, do I hide from my daily blog reading, email checking, net surfing. etc(Okay, I know the answer to this one already. If I go back to my daily doings, means I will have moved forward and got on with living after losing my friend).

Why, sleep runs from me.

Why, restlessness has taken up residence in my heart.

I admit it. I am restless. Uncle. I admit it.

Since my young friend passed, my heart is so restless to do whatever the hell I am supposed to be doing with this old, black, tired, broke, busted and disgusted self called me.

LET ME BE ABOUT IT, DAMMIT!!!

I am shouting at God, at Life, now. No longer, shouting into the void. My heart, has become the void. It needs to be filled, now, with all that God and Life has for me. I struggle, now, beloveds, to fill the void with now. Right, now.

I struggle now, waiting for God, for Life, to fill me up with the now They have been trying to get me to live this whole time.

I am demanding, now. Not bearing God’s and Life’s silence, well, now.

“Get to it”, I shout at Them. I have done my part. Now, Yall do Yours. Be about it. Be about mine. Be about me.

So, whilst I wait, whilst I wonder, whilst I wander, in the meantime I do so beneath a mountain of comforters and comfort.

Munching on double chocolate chip cookies.

Making it so, with Picard.

Defeating Thanos, with The Avengers.

Munching on double chocolate chip cookies.

Marrying the town spinster, fighting with the corporate raiders, falling in love with the bull rider.

Rinse.

Repeat.

All while have not the first clue of why I still can’t eat this damned chili.

*Cassandra grabs up a handful of double chocolate, dives under her comforters and lets God and Life run the world*

THE END….I don’t think so! Ha!

Note: It’s ok to have no idea, no taste buds, no forecast for the future, no more chips(gasp). So long as, beloveds, you hold on, hold out, keep looking up, keep moving forward. This too, shall pass. It will. The important thing is making sure that YOU continue to say, live, love, grow and go.

You don’t have to know all, see all, be all things to all people. None of us can do this. ALL we can do is all we can do. That’s it. It’s a good thing that this is ALL that is required. That and a lifetime supply of coffee, bacon, and whatever manner of things you enjoy that helps you make it through when the very last thing you want to do is to make it through, to make it do what it do.

Keep going, beloveds. Even if you have to take a bit of a break. Look beyond the war without, the war within. Look beyond the fear. Look beyond the current boundaries taking up space in your life. Tell those things to go on head and kick rocks. And, if they stay. Well, use them to your advantage. Use the hard as tools to keep digging your way to the best gift you shall ever receive…

YOU!

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Looking beyond the suffering: Feed someone else.

I admit it. Off top. Full disclosure. Had someone said to me, yesterday, these self same words I am about to share with you, today, I would have wanted to bop them one.

At the very least, would have wanted to dump two pounds of uneaten chili upon their Pollyanic head!

That said, the words have merit. Just, barely…lol.

Since my friend passed away, seems like my taste buds left with her. Or, my taste for life in general.

Or rather, the generalness, the sameness, the same stuff different day randomness of life has lost it’s appeal for me.

I want to KNOW what the point is to these words that God, that Life, that ME are always so damned fired up to share and impart.

What are the use of them!? What the hell use God, Life, of this old life called me? Why, did you leave me with much more when you took one so damned young away!!!!!!!!!!? Am angry about it. Still.

Her loss has my life seeming to be tasteless. Nothing tastes good. Nothing.

So, I sit here. Daily, wondering how to continue to chew on this tasteless thing called the rest of my life.

Too much fight in me, I find, for me not to fight.

Too much hope, in me, I find, for me not to be hopeful.

How, I ask God, I ask Life, do I find myself, still, looking ahead, looking towards, looking for, when such a blow has rendered my want to inoperable?

Yes, gotsto has to taken over, now. Gotsto made me get up and get out. Gotsto made me go through some do I have tos until I gotto the place of almost wanting to.

I found myself, texting a friend and asking if I could bring them some food, if I could grab a quick hug and then go. Not ready, no not yet, to be about being about it.

The ride was nice. Sun, shining. Music, blaring. My heart, sang. I admit. It shouldn’t have. Yet, my heart sang.

Hopeful.

Joyful.

Knowing it was on it’s way, to feed someone, which in turn, will feed me.

Food, delivered. Hug, given and received. Satisfied, my hunger subsides.

Subsides until, I find myself in need of another hug, some caring words, a shoulder, time spent being ministered to instead of ministering.

Until then, I shall continue to look for someone else who may be in need of a bite, for a bit of love, for a bit of care.

Chili, anyone? I make a great pot, if I do say so myself.

Here STILL,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

P.S. There are times when life is just not fair. There are times when we want to just say to hell with it all and leave all to where ever the hell it goes. There are times when life is tasteless. Yet, life is STILL good. Even when hard. If your plate is tasteless now…🤷‍♀️…that’s okay. Look beyond it. There IS joy and hope beyond ALL that you face. There is. We shall enjoy chili again. In the meantime, I have switched to chicken salad.🤣

Unfinished: What do I do with the untouched chili?

Unfinished.

Not started.

In complete.

Sums up the chili, still uneaten.

Still, uneaten.

A metaphor, I tell myself. Of:

This, unfinished life.

Incomplete. Not, started.

Started, in fits and starts. More fits, than starts.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Since my friend passed, I just can’t get past, just can’t seem to get beyond, to get through, to the next thing.

I find myself staring, silently, at chili I can no longer eat.

I find myself staring, silently, at words I wonder if are now as useful as this now, two week old, uneaten chili.

I find myself staring at you, beloveds, wondering if my absence has been as unnoticed as this congealed chili.

I find myself staring at God and Life and asking what need have they of decades of words seemingly piled away, uneaten, in inboxes.

Words written, in the hope that folks might find their voices, that they might find a bit of laughter, hope, joy…SOMETHING within words written, from a heart in search of other hearts in need of care.

One dear heart, stopped beating at New Year’s end. Causing one heart to…

When mom passed, ALL I wanted to do was shout to the heavens to get folk to understand how precious life is and to not waste it or their voices. Needed folks to know how very much their voices mattered. That THEY mattered.

After this loss, THIS loss, I am at a loss.

Of, words.

Of,…🤷‍♀️

I am at a loss.

Period.

Unsure, of the next sentence.

Uncertain, of the next step.

Unable, to see beyond.

Unafraid, to embrace this unknown.

I am unfinished.

What do I do?

What do I DO?

What do I do with this unfinished chili called me?

C

#YourLifeMattersToMe

When you can’t eat the chili: The kitty in me. Part II

*Cassandra stares at the fridge, listening to the mocking jeers from the uneaten chili, inside. Normally, the jeers would bring out the Ha! in her, the fight in her. Peering, inside her heart, Cassandra finds nothing but sadness and silence and closes the door. Turning away, from the mocking fridge, she let’s seeming defeat, have it’s way. Have, it’s say*

The kitty, it seems, has returned. Alas, she has never left. She has taken up residence, you see, within this heart of mine. She doesn’t roar. She rarely speaks. She is just…here.

With, me.

In, me.

For, me.

To my surprise, beloveds, she IS me.

Right now.

In these moments.

Moments of wondering what in the fresh hell am I to do with ME now???

The world, circumstances, situations, hard, harder, the what in the fresh hells have ALL had their say, had their way, in my life these past days.

In their wake, the kitty inside has been left to wander, to wonder, to live this life IN wonder. Unafraid. Undeterred. Curious.

I am in awe, of her. She pokes, at this. Muses, at that. She touches the things the tiger in me had been too afraid to contemplate, let alone face and then touch.

She pads her way, to the thing. Looks at the thing from all sides. Then, with NO fear, she bats it about. Between her tiny fingers. Knowing, she is safe. Knowing that God, that Life, has her back.

She is not angry about the happenings. She accepts that life will drop off many a happening and will give us the option of doing with it what we will.

I wish I was more like that kitty, I say quietly to Life, to God.

God: Beloved, you ARE that kitty!

Me: I am.

I AM!!

*Striding confidently to the fridge, Cassandra stares defiantly at the mocking chili. Reaching dramatically inside, Cassandra pulls out some sliced turkey and cheese*

ha.

Meow.

waiting for the grass to turn green,

Cassandra

Waiting on the green grass.

Life can be SUCH a metaphor.

Yea, it’s me. Not in rare form or raring to go. But, here. Now. Still.

Has been a tough go:

Fighting the good fight, digging through grief and who gives a damn. The who gives a damn side has been putting up such convincing arguments, lately.

Staring at freshly made chili that I STILL can not eat. Dammit!…*Cassandra stares at fresh chili wondering what in the fresh hell is keeping that damned lid on!*🤬

Going back to a work assignment that was not fun the first, second, third or tenth time around but one that must be done. Fresh hell.

Staring in the mirror at this stranger who appears to be me. Yikes! Egads!

Waiting, on…

Waiting, for…

Waiting, with…

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

My heart, has been waiting.

For, years.

For, decades.

For, what?

You got me. I have been asking THAT question for the past 30 years. Something inside just won’t let me go. Just won’t leave me be.

That SOMETHING, keeps motivating me to keep going, to keep giving, to keep loving, to keep trying. Won’t say why. Just keeps pushing me, forward. Pushing me, upward. Pushing me, through.

Ack!

Dammit!

All this pushing is working my nerves having NO idea what all the fuss has been and is for.

Me?

Others?

God?

Life?

Fresh hell!

Here I sit, in a cold car, tapping by phone’s light, trying to figure out the mystery of life, THIS life, whilst cold fries have long signalled their defeat in a wilted non eatable mess. I feel you, fries!

The phrase about the grass being greener, on the other side, comes to mind. Seems as though us dummy humans are forever imaging what life would/could be like ‘if only this’ or if only that’.

Apparently, those ‘if onlies’ will swoop in and make our lives ‘better’. Better than what? Don’t ask me. I had been just a big a dummy as everyone else in waiting for, yearning for, raging about, the greener grass. There, on the other side of the catastrophe called our boring lives.

We look around and gaze fondly, at the neighbor’s yard. We gawk at how big, how beautiful, how plentiful, THEIR path of grass, appears to be.

What’s worse is we then look upon OUR particular, peculiar, old, dusty, spotty, non-growing, small, teeny, tiny, never-going-to-amount-to-anything plot of grass, and grieve about what will never be.

We look at other plots, at others shots, and stop taking our own. We fold our tent. We tell ourselves it will never be so we stop trying to make it be.

Truth be told, we stop trying. Subtly, so the world won’t know. We do, though.

We, make do.

We, settle.

We, make loud ruckus and do a bunch of bust work to drown out the pull, the call, the urging of that waiting. That waiting, that waits.

Still.

Always.

Calling, us.

Waiting, for us.

WHO waits?

WHAT waits?

Me?

Others?

God?

Life?

Fresh hell!

*Cassandra adds cold, lifeless fries to the chili she still can’t eat and waits for the green grass*

To be continued…

Cassandra