Today, is the first Saturday, since my young friend passed I wanted to, and did, get up and spend a delicious few hours, making myself breakfast, drinking oodles and oodles of coffee and blogging, just a bit.

I started to go visit my fave blogs(have missed them), but found myself still not quite up to them. Means I have truly moved on. Yes, I know this may sound dumb but I have told myself it’s okay to not quite be okay with having to be okay with fully letting go.

You see, I really HAVE acknowledged her passing and am making my way from the casket, I secretly allow my heart the space to linger, just a bit longer, just a tad bit more of hiding from the reality that I shall never see her again. Never sure can feel so big, so unconquerable, at times.

I have been ’embracing the suck’ as they say.

Embracing, the hard.

Embracing, the impossible.

Embracing, the tears.

Embracing, the loneliness.

Embracing, the not knowing.

Embracing, the tasteless.

Embracing, the wait.

Embracing, all.

No longer, do I fight, these things.

No longer, do I hide away, from these things.

No longer, do I rage against, these things.

No longer, do I blame God/Life, for these things.

No longer, do I blame others, for these things.

No longer, do I blame ME, for these things.

Things, well, things happen.

Life, happens.

To us all.

To, everyone.

To, me.

To, you.

None, of us, are exempt from heartaches, heartbreaks, hard things, unfair things, unlikely things, incomprehensible things, unstoppable things, awful things, wonderful things, amazing things.

In knowing this, I have learned, am learning, STILL, to embrace them, to learn from them, to grow from them, to go with them, to go in spite of them, to go in the midst of them, to grow in the midst of them, to fight them, to fight with them, to fight despite them, to fight in the midst of them.

Why?

Why ask why?

What, is the real word.

What will you do with the why that has come upon you, come for you, come to you?

As for me, I am learning to eat tasteless food. I am learning to try and add other flavors to enhance what I am eating. I am learning to try different spices. I am learning to try different food. In doing so, I am growing, I am going, I am living, and I am doing.

In losing, I have still won. Am winning, still.

With loss, can come great gain.

IF, we learn how to embrace the un-embracable(making up my own word).

IF, we do the hard part and keep on keeping on when we would rather not keep on.

IF, we remember that all things truly do work together for our good if we ALLOW THEM TO!

If you don’t know how, learn how.

If you can’t learn how, make up a new way to.

If the new way you have made does not work, make up a new way to try the new way.

Why?

LOL.

You tell me. I think way too many folks are sitting around, moping and waiting on other folks to do the hard thing and then bring the answers to them on a nice silver platter, carrying a comfortable pillow to give to them to rest upon.

Get up!

Get to doing.

Start, small.

Start, somewhere.

Just start.

Simple as that.

Why?

You tell me.

waiting on your answer,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

Sometimes, it’s best to:

Take, a breath.

Take, a moment.

Take, a step back.

Take, your time.

Pause.

Breathe.

Step, away.

Away from the emotion of the thing. Often times, it’s not what is going on that gets us going. It’s how we allow ourselves to feel about the thing. Or, how we don’t/won’t allow ourselves to have feelings about the thing.

Turns out, the thing, the happening, is besides the point. The point is how we are doing, at the time, in the moment.

It has not been easy to separate my mood from the moment(s). I have not known if the moment, has caused my particular mood. Or, if my mood has caused the moment because of my mood, at the moment. LOL.

Sometimes, it has been one, the other, or both.

Either way, it’s important to not allow our feelings, our lack thereof, to run the show. We can NOT hand off our responsibility of continuing to move forward, to keep doing what’s right, to keep trying, to keep giving, to keep living.

Pause.

Breathe.

Step, away.

Time, to reboot.

Time, to refresh.

Time, to look around to truly see where you are, where you have been, where you would like to go, where you would like to move away from.

In the meantime, beloveds, stop being so hard on yourselves. It’s NOT your lot to save the entire world, to save anyone, really. ALL we can do is to do the very best we can and leave the outcomes to God and Life.

We, plant.

The plant, grows.

When the plant, grows, we, harvest.

Rinse.

Repeat.

It’s NOT our fault, beloveds, when things don’t grow as high, as much, or not at all.

All we can do, is what we can do, and leave the outcome to come out the way that it comes.

Understanding this has helped me to press pause, much faster. I no longer kick my own hind end for not understanding, not understanding fast enough, not being fast enough, not being able to do as much.

I do, as I can.

I give, as I can.

I love, as I can.

I try, best I can.

Then, I leave the outcomes to what ever comes out!

Plant.

Water.

Nourish.

Wait.

Harvest.

Pause.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Time to pause, to have another cup of coffee and a scrumptious mini cinnamon roll. Yummers.

Keep moving, forward. Be sure, though, to take a pause, take a rest, take a break as many times as needed.

resting/pausing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

You are a gift.

There is only one you.

Your thoughts matter.

Your hopes and dreams matter.

Your voice matters.

Your efforts matter.

This world wouldn’t be the same without you.

NOTHING needs to be added to you to make you more important or priceless.

You are a gift.

The world is awaiting for YOU to share your care, your light, your love.

Your heart is waiting for YOU to understand and acknowledge how truly special you are.

You look too much upon your scars and your seeming lack.

Look inside, beloveds, and begin to see the priceless treasure you keep buried deep inside.

It is time.

Time to open up and let someone in.

Receive.

Love does await you.

Peace waits to bind you.

Joy quietly walks beside you.

Your life is a gift.

Thank you.

Be you.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

We got this.

Time to rest now.

We have done the week.

The week has done us.

Now, we just need to wait whilst the bread is baking.

We have made the dough.

We have put it the oven.

Now, we wait for the Master Baker to turn it into wonderful bread for us to eat.

We SHALL eat soon, beloveds. We shall eat from OUR labors, from our TRY, from the love we have given and given and given and given and given.

Hang up the apron, grab a snack, turn on some tunes, do a chair dance or two or three.

We have done well, beloveds. No matter the speed, we have gone. Point is, we HAVE gone and done the thing, tried our best.

It is enough.

Rest.

Refresh.

Then, get back after it at week’s beginning.

resting with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

As a human being, my heart breaks for the people of Ukraine and all the Russian citizens who are risking their very lives to stand in protest of the atrocities being waged against innocent men, women and children.

As a person of color I have had to sigh a good ten times from various articles, today alone, where a Chancelor, heads of universities, a hospital, etc.  etc has apologized for either saying horribly awful, awful, awful and hateful thing about persons of color, in particularly ‘black women’ and/or were fired. The American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees made a statement and referred to an apology it issued this past December stating in part:

“The American Psychological Association failed in its role leading the discipline of psychology, was complicit in contributing to systemic inequities, and hurt many through racism, racial discrimination, and denigration of people of color,” the statement read. The organization said the field of psychology is “rooted in oppressive psychological science to protect Whiteness, White people, and White epistemologies.”

As an optimist, I am torn.

As a woman, I am tired.

As a ‘black’ woman, I am exhausted.

During times like these, folks wonder/ask what kind of God would allow such things. What kind of loving God wouldn’t step in about this situation or that one.

Why, evil?

Why, hurt?

Why does healing take forever, so damn long, or does not happen at all?

Great questions, all. All I know is folk have free will. We are asked to love and care for one another. For a million reasons, folks choose to do the opposite or not at all.

As for me, I choose to be one who loves, as best as I can. To all and to as many as I can wrap my arms and heart around.

It tires me when folks utter the utterly untrue phrase that they don’t ‘see’ color. Of course they do. And, if they are choosing not to, they are not seeing me or any other person of color. To whitewash things, pun intended, and also not intended is to not be honest.

The truth, hurts.

Speaking the truth, can get one hurt.

Not speaking the truth, can get folks hurt.

It is a wonderful thing that Faith NEVER tires. NEVER gives up. NEVER gives in. Never.

I lean on my faith, I lean on Faith. To sustain me. To keep me going. To keep me.

I can’t really blame some folks who have turned their backs on God due to what some dummies are doing and saying, supposedly, in the name of God. God ain’t about that life.

God, Loves.

God, Gives.

God, Cares.

God, Shares.

To, ALL.

For, ALL.

Just had to take a moment, to share a moment, about heavy moments currently going on around the world.

We ARE the world.

Let’s look after one another, okay?

being about it best I can,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

I am afraid.

Truth.

Real talk.

My heart, it appears, is all set and ready to take a huge leap of faith…

For more than 20 years, I have been wanting to take a block of time. Just for me. Just to write, yak with God, sit by the ocean and see what we see. More than 20, truth be told.

I have worked hard, long hours, for others. The need, the yearning, just to be, alone, with my thoughts, my keyboard, the ocean, God, and myself has never left or waned.

The more I just keep my head down and work, for others, the more this dream keeps rearing it’s head. In fact, since my friend passed, it has grown louder, more persistent. Egads.

Yet, I bat it away, if I am to be totally honest, just as I have been for the past couple of decades. Here is the same rinse/repeat argument:

Me: Let’s take that time off. Just to write. Just to breathe. Just to see. I want to see. I want to try. If I fail, if I flop, so what? I just want to see.

Me: I can’t afford to, now. Bills to pay. I can’t lose my spot. I can’t give up my seniority. I have to save enough money. Things are just too tight.

Me: You ALWAYS say that! Yet, you have helped the whole damned world. You come out the pocket, for this one and that one. For this for him. For that for her. Yes, all that is nice and well and good. Why will you spend on them but not you.

Me: Because….hhhmm….will keep praying for God/Life to send some funds somewhere, somehow or let me know how to get them myself.

Me: Okay, that’s fine. We don’t have to have a whole year, dammit. What about two months? I would even settle for one?!

Me: I just don’t see how we can. Things are tight.

Me: Things will ALWAYS be tight!

Me: True that…hmm….

I find myself trying to squeeze some pennies, squeeze some days from somewhere so I can take a chance on ME. For once. Just one time. Dive in. Truly. To see what I can see.

Yikes!

Egads!

Me: I’m afraid, God. Afraid, I may fail. What’s worse, I am afraid to fail You.

God: Are you willing to try, beloved?

Me: I…I…

*Cassandra peers, over the side, through her fingers. Sure looks like a long fall. Cassandra wonders if she will fall, flat on her face. She wonders if she will make it. She wonders what her life will look like if she bets on herself. What if she loses?!*

To be continued….yikes….

terrified but hungry,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

Tell him to go on ahead and kick rocks!

Ha!

That being said, beloveds, I can freely admit to ALMOST sorta kinda wanting to listen to ‘too’ and allow myself to be a whole bunch of toos:

Too tired, to fight.

Too discouraged, to stay optimistic.

Too dismayed, to remain understanding of life’s unexpected twists and turns.

Too afraid, to keep asking myself for what I really want because I already know the answer which will cost me too much to pursue.

Told all those toos to go on head and kick some rocks.

I did allow myself to give myself one retort:

Too bad!

Get up, Jaybird!

Keep going!

Keep moving!

Keep believing.

Start again, again!

The boogie man popped from under the bed.

Meow, I said. Boogie man high tailed it and took all those toos with him.

Too bad, dummies. There is simply too much God, too much Life, too much love, too much life, too many words, too little time for me to give up. So many have given up on me, in my lifetime. Too many, to count. I can’t give up on me, too.

I had a super short talk with God tonight. Just told Him I need Him to add His Seasoning to all this fresh hell going on.

He said I was too important for Him not to. He sprinkled peace upon my tired soul. He gently shook out some comfort on my wounded spirit. He seasoned my heart with the most precious gift He could think to give: His Tears.

He said He would be My Comfort and My Comforter. He ate double chocolate chip cookies with me. He drank entirely too much coffee with me. He watched Picard with me and belly laughed as we both shouted ‘Make it so!’

He fights the night with me, still. In fact, we are currently arguing over watching another chick flick or dude movie. Don’t tell but I think He is a bigger romantic than me!

What do you do when the boogie man shows up?

You tell me.

moving still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

1. 

   thanks for the check-in Cassandra. I’ve been on edge and restless the last few days. I have a flight coming…

2. 

   it was an interesting read, broken down within characters explaining detail after detail.

3. 

   awesome

4. 

   What a beautiful way to begin the morning—with love flowing in every direction. ❤️ From Father and Jesus to Mom,…

5. 

   What a beautiful reminder that progress doesn’t always have to be dramatic to be meaningful. 💙 “One step. One step.…

Note to self: Next time you step off the world be prepared for the ten levels of hell your inbox turns into.

Egads!

Yikes!

It has taken more than an hour to organize my inbox let alone decide which of the 50 million thousand 75 unread emails and blog posts are in there!!🙈🙉🙊

It really can be surprising how much of us gets put to the side, by us, when life acts ten kinds of fool.

For folks who unfortunately will see half a billion responses to post a decade old…*shrug*…my bad. Life wasn’t funny. The Netflix and chill was fun but wreaked havoc on reading/writing want to.

*Cassandra ponders between email/blog reading or Picard watching along with double chocolate chip cookie eating *…hhhm…🏃‍♀️…🍪…☕

brb…

C

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

I have a pair of earbuds, my favorite pair(!) that I had been unable to use at it would not pair, with my phone, taunting me that it was already paired with another device.

I tried to disconnect and reconnect, to my phone. I couldn’t. The earbuds just shrugged and said ‘I don’t know what to tell ya, homeslice. I am buddied up with something else round here’…*shrug*.

For days, I turned off this. Retried, that.

Nothing.

Nada.

No noise.

Just an ‘I don’t know what to tell ya’.

Angrily, I tossed the earbuds, in a box, waiting to figure out, find out, get situated, someway, someday, somehow.

I think the universe decided to give me a break, today. Out of the blue, as I was blogging, the name of my earbuds popped up, on my laptop and let me unpair it!

Snatching my phone, I pressed sync, held my breath and waited.

And, waited…

And,….yasssssssssssssssssss!!!

YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Now I sit here, highly caffeinated, super sugared up from double chocolate cookies, chair dancing, quietly, through fave earbud’s sweet song!

Reminds me of my struggles to eat this chili, get work situated right, get my body to act right, to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, with the rest of me.

If, I am patient…

If, I trust…

If, I continue to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Eventually, eventually, eventually, perhaps(?) what I have been wrongly paired with, will show itself, so I can pair, repair, re-pair myself to my hopes/dreams/awesomeness so I can live my best life now.

Then, dare I hope, I can eat my chili, again.

I, hope.

I HOPE!

hoping/waiting to be shown the right pairing/connection,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.

Nuff said.

I am giving myself permission to set down my coffee cup and rest. I have done the day. The day has done me. We both tired from all the haymakers we have thrown at one another.

Who, won?

Beats me.

Think it was a stalemate.

Life, did.

I, tried.

I shall let God and Life be the tie breaker.

How ’bout you?

retreating beneath comforters and comfort,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

• WHAT IF. 
• (no title)
• Just stopped by to ask…
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.