Category: Writing

Go left…

Life will do what it do. Do you. Dance. Live. Keep going.

I go with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Hey, Brita.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i3XGSPAMNRc&feature=share

Hey Brita,

Mom and I were yakking about you, today. I asked mom to have her mum comfort your heart. Told mom you were celebrating the 3rd birthday of your mum. Only ‘celebrating ‘ sure doesn’t sound like the appropriate word.

I asked mom to ask your mum what would be of comfort for you. I am still struggling with this being year 5 of your Christmas leaving. Tonight, I took a short jaunt and saw all houses lit with joy and family living. Drove home and found it daunting to exit the car, enter a silent home and ponder the rest of this holiday season, and beyond, without my mom. Just didn’t want to let silence have her say. Not yet.

The silence is soooooooooo loud about now. Anywho, Brita, I asked mom to ask your mum what would be of comfort. Mom said to tell you that you were and still are the love of your mum’s life. Said to tell you to be encouraged.

Be encouraged, Brita. We still sit, back to back, you and I. Across the sea. United, in solidarity. Missing mom and mum. Being loved by them, still. They are just loving us from a different place.

Take comfort, beloved, Brita. Knowing the gift of you blessed your mum so much when she was here. As you move, about your day, you may have felt a breeze that gently caressed your cheek. The breeze of a mum’s heart of love, for her beloved.

I won’t do my usual and tell you to keep going. Sit awhile. Rest a bit. I shall make some chili, eh? We shall eat together and speak fondly of mom and mum, shall we?

Won’t share the lie time heals all wounds. Time will, though, ease the heaviness, in, well, time. Til then, I watch your back.

here best I can,

Cassandra

Real talk: Make every gesture the last gesture.

This week has been bitter sweet. I have dreamed much of mom, for some reason. The visits are nice. But, makes the waking and living of the rest of the day, a bit tough.

I have been reliving the last gesture I made towards mom. I was standing over her hospital bed, watching her in so much pain, while feeling like such an awful daughter, for not being able to relieve her pain.

Alas, I have spent decades, in fact, trying to ease the pain, of others. Not wanting them to have to know what not feeling wanted, or needed, or valued, or cherished, or heard, or loved, or all the other ‘ors’, the majority feels, yet runs from.

Watching her pain, wishing it were my own, I took her hand, in mine, leaned down close, gently kissed her forehead. I lingered over that kiss for an eternity. I forced that moment to BE an eternity, sensing, knowing, it would be the last gesture, the last touch, the last bit of mom, I would ever take with me.

The night before, I lay beside her, lay my head, on her tummy, wondering how many more times I would find this comforting space. I think I knew…*sigh*…last tummy laying on gesture.

A few hours, before the tummy hug, mom and I had played Gin Rummy. My back had been killing me. I needed to go somewhere and lay down. I refused to, not knowing if this would be our last card playing moment. Surely not as mom wiped the floor with me!…*gasp*…surely life dare not leave me with no chance to even the score. Mom’s smirk, her triumphantly spreading of her winning hand WAS the last card gesture.

Hours before the last card playing, before the last tummy hug, before the last hand hold, before the last forehead kiss, God and Life told me to drop what I was doing and be there for mom’s latest surgery.

The weather report was really bad. A winter storm was coming. I had just enough room to make it home. The winds howled their sadness.

“Hurry”, the winds said. “You won’t have much time with your mom. The snow is coming! Hurry! We asked if she could hold back. Alas, the snow said life must do what it must and she had to come”.

I dropped everything. It was my last daughter’s gesture, to let mom know she was important enough to stop the world for. My world, at least. For, mom WAS my world. My dreams began, then ended, or so I thought, with her.

Coming, full circle, I found myself standing over mom’s bed, taking her hand, kissing her forehead, a last gesture of love. From, me, to mom. I took that gesture, my last gesture, with me.

That last gesture helped me fight my way through the snowstorm that showed up on the drive home.

The winds howled, the snow fell, recklessly. The car shook violently. It took everything to keep the car on the road. The elements mirrored what was in my heart: A violent shaking, a rage quacking, a silent scream that dare not rise, to the surface, to join the snow and howling, raging winds.

I needed to get home safely. I made it home. I made it through the snowstorm. Yet, I find the snowstorm, within, is still raging a bit, I think. May be why I have not been able to sleep much.

I couldn’t figure out why. Until now. I couldn’t understand why, til now, I had been dreaming of mom.

I think she has been trying to let me know that my holding of her hand, my kiss upon her forehead, my laying on her tummy, my dropping all to go see her was all she needed. I wasn’t a miracle worker. Just her daughter. All I could give her was my gestures, my love and hope they were enough. They were.

They were!

I find the storm within, has quieted. Subdued by the knowledge my TRY was all God and Life and mom has ever asked of me.

I tell myself, my posse of one, that it’s ok.

It is.

Now, those gestures are the fuel that drives me. Drives me to cherish and LIVE every moment. Not knowing which will be or not be a last moment, a last gesture, THE last gesture.

EVERY moment is the last gesture, as far as I am concerned.

Life is short, beloveds. We are not promised a million moments, a thousand last gestures. Best make the most of your moments, your gestures, beloveds. Make them count. Make them last the best you can.

If I would have but one last moment, one last gesture towards you, it would be to say this:

Your life matters. YOU matter. Your life was worth the death of a King. You are priceless. You are worthy. You are resilient. You are a fighter. You are unique. You are loved. By God. By Life. By me. Life is short but long enough to make a difference.

Say.

Live.

Love.

Go now, beloveds. Hurry, says the wind. You know not when the snowstorm will come. It is coming. Before it reaches you, get in those last gestures. You can start with me, if you so choose. Christmas is coming for me. Without mom. Maybe someone will have room in their pocket for me.

quiet inside now,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: Sometimes you have to be a posse of one.

Hard week. Hard month. Hard year. I rushed to the rescue, yesterday.

My heart is tired, today. Told God and Life I was in need of my posse, today. No one came. I decided to be my own posse. I gave myself permission to let the world have it’s say, today, without me.

I have decided to be a posse, of one, to take care of me, today.

Today, I rest.

Tomorrow, I fight on.

Alone?

With others?

No matter.

I shall fight on.

Tomorrow.

Today, I shall be a posse of one.

grateful,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I wish…

…I had someone to carry my heart around in their pocket today.

I wish…

I wish.

wanting,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Connection errors. Again!

Darkness….ah!

Darkness….???…..DARKNESS?!

What in the fresh hell???????????????!!!!!

*screams of agony can be heard wafting heavenward*

*pout*

*Cassandra stomps indelicately to the power cstrip to discover ALL her Wyze Smart plugs smirkily blinking blue*….stupid Smart plugs!…*Cassandra warily eyes said power strip and the now defacto dummy plugs! and considers her options*:

a) turn on ALL the blasted lights and gizmos herself…*gasp*. How uncouth! Who turns on lights and such themselves anymore!? How DARE!….*outraged gasp*

b) try and reset the now stupid Smart plugs and then grumpily yell at Google Mini to turn on some damn lights and gizmos already!!

c) make a cup of coffee, in half darkness!, whilst pouting and muttering about the stupid Smart plugs….*Cassandra makes a note of this as this may come in handy in a minute*

d) pray for grace, wait for some to come, quietly and efficently reboot stupid Smart plug to make them actually work dammit!!….*Cassandra dismisses this option quickly. Who the hell can be gracious on NO coffee or working Smart plugs!!

e) go back to bed and try again tomorrow….hmm….*bills loudly whispers they MUST get paid and Santa needs his down payment else NO sleds getting out this year*…hmm…fresh hell.

f) go on WordPress.com and post a particularly inspiring message on not letting the small stuff get to you, whilst sipping away on a fresh cup of French Vanilla coffee in near darkness due to the stupid Smart plugs not working….crap!!

hhmm…..what letter was next? Who cares….*Cassandra grumpily, yet delicately stomps around the apartment, like a loon, muttering, turning on lights…how dare!…*gasp*….and gets on with getting on with her day as she promised herself(why in fresh hell would she promise herself to keep going!? wow. what a goofhead!!), turned on the laptop and prepared to be all philosophical, encouraging and all that other nonsense to encourage her beloveds to keep on keeping on even when, ESPECIALLY when, life is cutting up, acting a fool, working the last nerves and the dammed stupid Smart plugs won’t work….

muttering stomping pouting laughing now but starting anywaze,

Cassandra

#YourLIfeMattersToMe

Huh? What do you mean I forgot to add an uplifting line, positive saying, quote of some sort to let all folks know that ALL things will work for their good if they keep on hanging in there??! Oh, yea…..lemme think….*Cassandra ponders what uplifting line, positive saying, or quote of some sort to let all folks know that ALL things will work for their good if they just keep on going, keep on hanging in there, keep on TRYing, keep on believing, keep on keeping on, keep on loving, keep on….hmm….brb….

Acceptance.

Acceptance will, help you make chili when the last thing you want to do is to make it.

Acceptance will, help you to get through a day in which you thought you could not take it.

Acceptance will, keep you from hiding under covers still warm.

Acceptance will, keep your keeping on, on.

Acceptance will, teach you to receive the harder parts of life.

Acceptance will, teach you…enough with the rhyming and trying to make things ‘fit’ already!…*pout*….*Cassandra throws a tasteful, yet delicate fit so as not to disturb her semi loud neighbors*.

“Accept it as if you had chosen it”

Ha!

When I first read those words, this morning, I was all fired up, ready to go, ready to impart, exhort, encourage. In my defense, a nice cup of French Vanilla coffee can hide many a non positive thought.

“Accept it as if you had chosen it”

I know, in my head, these words are true. Yet, my heart wants to fight back, just a bit. My heart, wants to stamp and scream, to hell with the blasted neighbors! My heart, wants to rage, kavetch, beat the shit out of something, and yell at God and Life about how unfair this is, how much that sucks. My heart, wants to howl, at the moon, throw crap, at the sun, and carry on about all if it’s hardships, it’s losses, it’s fatigue from forever taking high roads that only gets harder and higher.

Dammit.

Crap.

*sigh*.

*Cassandra accepts the fact there is no getting around the facts that she MUST accept the unacceptable*.

Fresh hell!

*sigh*.

*Cassandra finds it acceptable to accept the unacceptable in order for her to be able to accept, and receive, the healing that only comes as once accepts that which is terribly unacceptable and terribly difficult*.

Acceptance.

There are many absurd things I shall NEVER understand. It’s absurd mom is no longer here. It’s absurd God and Life have not yet given me my home, on the ocean. It’s THEIR fault for planting such an absurd dream in a Midwestern gal in the first place! It’s absurd to be 53 and yet still hopeful, still joyful, still awaiting for life to unfurl it’s goodies just for me. It’s absurd that some gallant knight has not yet scooped up this awesome woman called me! What the hell is wrong with these dummy men?! Don’t they KNOW how awesome I am! Absurd! Ha!

Acceptance.

I can accept that I may NEVER understand the above mentioned or any other thing. This I DO know:

I accept:

God’s Love.

Life’s Care.

My TRY.

All the rest, SHALL and WILL, come out, in the wash. They, will. I shall.

Until such time as things be….I accept.

accepting ALL with joy and thanksgiving,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s all I can do to accept mom being gone. So, no flowery speech about all the wonders that shall befall you as you accept your ‘unacceptables’. We must continue to do so. No getting around it. I can accept, and do, that you may tell me and this message to go on head and kick rocks, already. Loss is awful. How DARE God and Life force us to have to make the choice to accept these things and be gracious in the acceptance of the losses. I must admit, the high road has been especially annoying this month. A girl can’t even take to her bed and not come out for a month…fresh hell…*sigh*….miss you, mom.

True that!

It’s needed, crucial even, to affirm ourselves. Don’t wait for someone else to prop you up. Remind yourself of your awesome sauce! Let this world know how much you have got it going on like popcorn!

Strut your stuff. Don’t hang your head. You are wonderfully and awesomely made. You are unique. You shine. You make God and Life smile. There is none like you. Nope. Nada. NO body like unto you. Go on head with your bad self!

Who be awesome? You be, that’s who!

True that!

‘Nuff said.

Keep on doing you. Folks don’t have to understand you. Just keep on doing you. You will find folks who care for you, who will honor who you are, presently. Not the you folks think you ought be, could be, should be. There will be folks, as you keep reaching out, who WILL reach back.

Life is short. Long enough, beloveds, to make a difference. Keep on being the different you that God and Life roots for you to be. Don’t hide your shine. Let it all out. Don’t get down on the parts, of you, that you feel are still broken, parts that may never heal. Receive and love you, RIGHT now, just as you are. Be proud of your TRY.

Look at you! With your bad self!! Take your bow. Then, tell fear and all who don’t like it to go on head and kick them rocks, already!! They don’t know what they are missing, beloveds. Is THEIR loss, not on you.

strutting with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I am…stronger.

I am…stronger.

Stronger, than I was, yesterday.

Stronger, than I thought I could ever be.

I am…stronger.

Stronger, than the storm.

Stronger, than my tears.

Yes, I am stronger, than ever I thought I could be.

I am…stronger.

Stronger, than all the fears that chased me.

Stronger, than the doubts that plagued me.

Yes, o, yes, much stronger than this world thought I could be.

I am stronger…stronger.

Stronger, than all the obstacles daily blocking my path.

Stronger, than bad days, sad days, worst days ever had.

So much, stronger, than the enemy thought I could/would be.

I am…

Stronger.

Braver.

I am…

Determined.

Undaunted.

I am…

Indefatigable.

Indestructible.

Ever, I remain…stronger.

The storm, now in awe of me, knowing I am stronger, so very much stronger, than I ever thought I’d be.

As are you, beloveds.

Stay, strong.

Stay, resilient.

Stay, undaunted.

Continue to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Laugh.

Dare.

Dream.

Fight, on.

Keep going.

We got this.

God and Life has us all.

strong STILL,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Keep going.

Keep going.

My heart keeps saying for me to keep going. I wanted to tell my heart to go kick some rocks, already. Alas, she refused to listen.

“Keep going”, she whispered to me. “I’m tired”, I whispered back. “I know”, she said. “But, keep going”.

I, keep going.

For, mom.

For, me.

For, God.

For, Life.

For, you.

Keep going.

I made myself make my now weekly chili. Only, today, I didn’t have a yipppee, inside me. I had a sigh. Two sighs. Ten. I sighed, my way, through this day. I sighed, my way, through making my now famous chili. I sighed, through work. I sighed, through endless cups of coffee.

I sighed, tried, kept going.

Now, at days’ end, as I swap out a hard days work and don a night’s quiet evening, I am satisfied. For, I kept going.

Keep going, beloveds. Make your way, scrape your way, have your way, but keep going.

We CAN.

We HAVE.

We WILL.

going with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe