Today, I stand. Naked. Ashamed.

Nevertheless, I am here, standing.

However, I am afraid: of what I shall be, of what standing may do inside me.

I fought the night, valiantly. The night won, yet again, and rightfully took her spoils, the day, with her.

I stand before You, Father. Naked. Ashamed.

I am not ashamed of my nakedness. I joyfully receive being stripped of all pride, doubt, and fear in order to live this life, and not simply to survive it.

I am ashamed, Father, because of the fear. It’s not the fear I am ashamed of. I ashamed I have allowed fear to return as You have led me to stand, in a new place, in a very strange place, in a new me.

It is in the trials, of life, where we are exposed. The REAL us. The us that no one can see. Save, You. Save, me.

It is in this new trial, this latest trial, I stand and find myself, afraid.

I chastise myself, I should know, better. I admonish myself, I should do, better. I remind myself, I should BE, better.

With all the chasestisement, admonishment, and remiders, I still found myself, afraid.

Ah! The point, in all this standing: I found, me. The REAL, me. The me, only You, only I, only Life, can see.

God: All I have ever asked of thee, is for the just to stand, before Me. To stand, WITH Me. To stand, as I guide, thee. I ask you, to stand. Not to make you afraid. But, to set you free. In standing, before Me, naked and ashamed, you have ALREADY, made yourself, free.

I fought the night with you, My Beloved, Daughter. I bore most, of the weight, upon My Shoulders, high, where No man can see. I gave you just enough, of the fight, so you could see, you.

All you could see, was the fear. All I could see, was your fight, your willingness to continue, even afraid.

What you call, your fear, I call, your faith.

You knew, you had no strength, to bear your weight. You knew, you had no pride, to hide behind. You knew, you only, had you.

Only…*sigh*. What you see, as ONLY, I see, as EVERYTHING. You, are everything. My Everything.

I have covered, your nakedness. You mistakenly, believe you have covered, yourself, in fear and shame.

I have, covered you, with My Deep and Abiding Love, for you. I have wrapped thee, in My Word. I have sheltered thee, with My CHARACTER.

Lift up, thy head, My Daughter. I have called thee, by thy name. Thou art Mine. I have helped thee. Yea, I have lifted, I have carried thee, by My Righteousness Arm.

Lift up, your head, and see, I see you, have found, you. Don’t, be afraid, of her. Don’t, be ashamed, of her.

For, she, is a mighty warrior. She, is a valiant, warrior. She stands. Even afraid, she stands. How, can I not be a Proud Father. She humbles Me.

I stand, before, her. I stand, with her. She is you. Accept, her. All, of her. She is you.

Me: 😥

Today, before the battle starts, I stand. Ready, for whatever the day shall bring for me.

Nevertheless, I stand. Free. Unchained. Fearless. Covered. Loved. Blessed.

However, I remain. Me. Showing the entire world, the entirety of me.

I stand, before you, world. Naked: Not ashamed.

I stand, for all, who struggled, with the night, who think they have lost.

Lift up, your head, my dear brother. Lift up, your head, my precious sister. Lift up, your head, my awesome, others.

Lift up, your head, and see, you. The REAL you. The you, only you, only God, only Life, can see.

You are covered: by God’s Word, by God’s CHARACTER, and by God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for you.

You have ALREADY, won, beloveds. As, have I.

The bible says we are MORE than conquerors. The battle was won, long before the night snatched the light from the day.

Be at peace, today. No matter what the day may bring. Tell the day to bring on it’s best. And, remember, this is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Rejoicing, with you,

Jaybird COVERED

• WHAT IF. September 9, 2026
  WHAT IF YOUR PREFERENCE IS REALLY A RULER? LOVE IN ACTION. IN REAL TIME. Beloveds, I watched something this morning that reached underneath several conversations I have been having lately. It was an episode of the Dear Future Wifey Podcast called “God Delivered Us From Our Preferences,” featuring Joshua and Courtney Washington. You can watch … Continue reading WHAT IF.  →
• (no title)September 9, 2026
  🔑 IT’S NEVER TIME TO QUIT — PIECE THREE COLUMBO DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. Beloveds, I have apparently become Columbo. 🤣🕵🏿‍♀️ Not intentionally. Nobody issued me the trench coat. I did not apply for the position. But after spending an absolutely ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out why my posts suddenly would … Continue reading →
• Just stopped by to ask…September 8, 2026
  Just stopped by, beloveds, to ask… How are you—really? Not the answer you give because somebody is waiting, somebody needs something, or you do not feel like unpacking the whole suitcase today. I mean you. Have you eaten something? Had some water? Taken your medicine? Rested before your body had to submit a written complaint … Continue reading Just stopped by to ask… →
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUITSeptember 8, 2026
  🔑 IT’S NEVER TIME TO QUIT — PIECE TWO WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE ANOTHER TRY IN ME TODAY? Beloveds, Yesterday I told you that sometimes the way you refuse to quit is by refusing to keep going the same way. Today I want to talk to the person who read that and thought: Cassandra, … Continue reading ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT →
• ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT.September 7, 2026
  🔑 IT’S NEVER TIME TO QUIT — PIECE ONE SOMETIMES THE WAY YOU REFUSE TO QUIT IS BY REFUSING TO KEEP GOING THE SAME WAY. Beloveds, I want to start this new series by clearing something up. When I say, “It’s never time to quit,” I do NOT mean you should keep pushing yourself until … Continue reading ITS NEVER TIME TO QUIT. →

I could not stand, today. Not, today. Today, was, well today was just too hard. Dammit.

Choosing not to choose, Life chose for me and put me on my knees, before God.

That would be fantastic if I were not currently angry with Him: for telling me it’s time. I am not ready!

I stomped, through the morning, told my accountability partner I was NOT standing, today. It was just too hard, I was just too damned angry, for being asked to stand. Dammit.

Why am I angry, today? I have chosen to ALLOW myself the luxury of BEING angry. Dammit. I have not given in to the hidden anger. To….Yikes…..Egads.

You are NOT sneaking up on me THIS and THAT. I already told Dad, this morning, I was not ready yet.

If you don’t know what I am talking about, you have to go back and read ‘Letters to Him: What do you do when it’s time, and you are not ready.

Okay, so you still won’t know as God, Life, and I are currently fighting about dealing with THIS and THAT and to stop hiding behind ‘I am not ready’. I am not ready! Dammit.

Feeling sufficiently vindicated and righteous, I blithely informed my accountability partner I was not standing, today. Please and thank you. Today, was just too hard and I was just, well, just too damn mad to stand.

Me: I am not ready.

Her: Yes you are.

Me: I can not stand, today.

Her: I’m telling Dad on you.

Me: I don’t care

Her: You stand up right now.

Me: ….*Cassandra ponders her need to stay angry opposed to Dad AND her going off on me….*Cassandra decides to stand. Cassandra stands*.

Me: Done.

Her: Now pray.

Me: All I can say is one word: Father

Me: Father. Father…*sigh*…..FATHER!….

Father: I am here. You can do ALL things. Through ME. No weapon, formed against you, shall prosper. ALL things work together for good. Let them.

Choosing to trust Him, I stood. Angry, yet, I stood. While standing, I decided to turn my anger into a praise. I decided, to fight my way out. To use the anger, to fight, FOR me, not against Him. I turned my anger, into a praise. I turned my praise, into an offering.

I chose, to check it, BEFORE, I wrecked it. Came awfully close to crashing this time. Whew.

There is just no getting around this life. It can be hard. It demands so much of us. Those demands, at times, can make one angry. It gets old. Trying, gets old. Standing, gets old. Striving, gets old. When life gets old/hard, it can be so tempting to want to stop the world, and get off, go off.

We can wreck things when we are tired, tried, tested. It is during the testing we must hold out. We MUST hold on. To God. To Life. To Freedom. At all costs. No matter, the discomfort. Hold on. No matter, the challenge. Hold on. No matter, the fight. Hold on.

Don’t wreck all the good. Don’t wreck the new growth. Don’t wreck what is becoming because the becoming is seeming to come entirely too slow.

Wait. Wait for the release. Wait for the breakthrough. Wait for the breakout. Wait for it. It shall surely come. It is waiting for it’s time. ALL things have their time, their season, their space. Nothing can stop what God has prepared for you.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

Psalm 46 – God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

² Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

³ Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

⁴ There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

⁶ The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

⁸ Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

⁹ He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

¹⁰ Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

¹¹ The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

End this day, with these words: God SEES you. God LOVES you. God CARES DEEPLY, for your life. As do, I.

I love you.

Jaybird YOUR FRIEND

Dear God,

HOW did You know, I would make it, today?

How did You know, I would fall, today?

How did You know, I would run to You, today?

How did you Know, I would end my day, in triumph?

How did You know, I would win over my enemies pride and fear, today?

I was afraid, today, Father. Afraid, I would let you down. Afraid, I would let myself down, today. I have spent the week apologizing to you, apologizing for my temper tantrums.

I have not been angry, with You. Not really. I have not even been angry, with me. Not really. I just don’t want to let You down. I don’t want to let Life down. You Both have been so good to me. I want to be good to me.

I have much to make up to You, to Life, to me. Mostly, to me. The more freedom, I find in you, the more I realize all I had been keeping myself from, because of fear.

Fear of failing folks, Life, You, jobs, friends, family. The list is endless. I appreciate You and Life for helping me to get free of my own expectations. I thank You, Both, for helping me to free myself of the expectations of others. Yet, did others actually put those expectations upon me? Some, maybe.

Mostly, I think I maybe, perchance, kinda sorta assumed this is what was expected and required.

Thank You, for Your Word. Thank You, for Your CHARACTER. Mostly, thank You, for Your Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

Thank You, Dad, for loving me. Still. Always. Thank You, Father, for Your Faithfulness. Thanks, Abba, for being faithful even when I doubted in Your Faith, in me. All You have ever asked, have required, was for me to try. You just ask me to try. Today, You asked, knowing, I would fall, fail, try again, fall again, fail again.

Until, I didn’t fall. I stood. Until, I flew, dented. Until, I danced, through tears, in triumph.

Is this why You encouraged me to try? Did You know, I would end the day, in victory?

Is this why You whispered for me to try and stand. Just to TRY and stand. You did not berate me. You were in no hurry. You did not intervene. That is, until I tried.

The INSTANT, I tried, You swooped in. You took over. You showed up. You showed out. You were My Very Present Help, in my time of trouble. You made an open show to let the world KNOW, You had my back.

Not only, did You catch me, when I fell. You swooped me upon Your Strong Shoulders, and carried me for the rest of the day.

How did You know, I would end this day, being held tightly to Your Bosom? How did You know, I would draw close to You, and allow You to speak quietly, to my soul?

I appreciate Your staying quiet, today, to allow me to make my way to You. Like a small child, frightened, teetering on unsteady legs. Once, standing, running crookedly into Your Arms. My Home.

Thank You, My Precious Father, for becoming My Home. Thank You, for leading the way. Thank You, for waiting, patiently, for me, as I made my way, impatiently, to You.

I love You, Dad. Thank You, for loving me. Thank You, for showing Me that You are not in my life to sit in judgment upon me. You just sit with me. Loving me, still. Always. Amazing.

I’m sorry, Dad, I did not stand, immediately. Help me to understand You are not interested in how long it takes, how dignified/undignified, I stand. You just want to ensure I am standing on Firm Foundation: Your Word, Your CHARACTER, Your Deep and Abiding Love, for me.

Help me to help others to find their way, to make their way, home, to You. Help folk, to realize, You love and care for them. Help folk, to understand You desire nothing but to love them and safeguard their lives.

Finally, Dad, help folk to see You with a Crooked Crown. Approachable. Lovable. Call them, Dad, as You called me. Ask them, to try, Dad. Ask them. Some, may. And, in trying, rush in, swoop them upon Your Shoulders, whisper quietly, into each ear that will hear and receive Your Deep and Abiding Love for each and every one of us.

I am blessed, to be called Your Daughter. I am honored, You chose to love and care for me. All that I have, I offer to You. I serve, at YOUR pleasure. Even, when it’s hard. Especially, when it’s hard.

I love you, Father. I wish I could give You all You have given me. How can I give You the world that You have made?

Yours always,

Jaybird LOVED and FREE

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=qEvEVALLjNQ&feature=share

The week is coming to the end of the line. Whew!

I have stood, through tears.

I have stood, angry.

I have stood, afraid.

I have stood, disappointed in me.

Nevertheless, I stood.

However, I fly.

Dented, yes. Still, I stand.

In all the standing, falling, anxting, fussing, fretting, doubting, crying, fighting, I have been gathering more tools, strengthening faith muscles, learning how much I love God/Life/Peeps, living instead of surviving life.

Yassssss! 💃

I have disappointed myself, forgiven myself, fussed at myself, yelled at myself, cried for myself, loving myself, still.

I am loved, still! Even in these, my failures, God and Life loves me, still.

I am learning to like ALL of me. I am finding I have judged myself harshly. I have demanded hard work, always. I have commanded a positive attitude, always.

I have allowed myself few vacations, fewer moments of just vegging out. There were ALWAYS work to be done.

Since making the decision to get on with the living of life, I have been LIVING.

I am free. No matter where I go. No matter what I do. No matter what. I am free.

I am free to live, laugh, love, dance, praise, sing, NO MATTER WHAT.

Today, I found it impossible to stand. Thankfully, a friend loved me enough to kick me in the hind end and make me stand, again.

Standing, angry, defiant, I chose to use the passion from the anger and turn it into some praise. I blasted the song ‘Alive’, put it on repeat and began to dance.

Angry, at first. Through tears, at first. After the third go around, those tears of anger, doubt and frustration ended up being tears of joy and thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving for yet another opportunity to KNOW I could stand when I knew surely I could not.

I dance, still. I praise, still.

ALL things continue to work for my good. Even the things I bring about through my own arrogance and unbelief.

How great is that!!?

Dance with me. 💃

Keep going. Don’t give up on you. Not yet, beloved.

You got this. I got you. God and Life has us all.

I love you. If you have fallen, it’s okay. You be loved, still.

STILL!! 💃

I dare you. Dare you to stand up. Dare you to click on the link at the top of the page. Dare you to dance/praise when you are having trouble standing.

Jaybird JAMMING 😎

Philippians 4:13

It’s time, You say. Time to deal with things. To deal with me.

You say, I must.

I say, I can’t. I don’t know how. Not about THIS. I don’t even want to discuss THIS with You. I don’t want to acknowledge THIS.

You say, I must. It is well past time.

I want, to be defiant. I want, so desperately, to tell You I will NOT acknowledge THIS! If, I acknowledge THIS, I would, have to acknowledge her.

In, acknowledging her, I would have to, say her name. In, acknowledging her, I would, have to face me, to face her, to face THAT.

You told me, Father, how important acknowledging something is. How crucial it is, to say the words, to say the thing, out LOUD.

You have said, once something has been spoken, it must then be dealt with. Acknowledged. Once acknowledged, the thing, the person, the place MUST be dealt with. One way or the other. One can no longer hide from words, once spoken, into existence.

Words are living things. They take on a life, all their own. Life and death are literally held by the power of the tongue. By words.

It is why You admonish us to be careful of the words that we speak. Even words, spoken in secret, in a whisper, can wreak havoc. They DO wreak havoc.

Words, uttered in the heart, starts wars, ends wars, builds things, destroys things.

Words build up. Words tear down. Words start new life. Words ends new life. Instantly.

This is why You entreat us, not to speak, at times. This is also why you beseech us, to speak at other times.

You understand, we are speaking death or life: over ourselves, our circumstances, our families, our friends, our communities, our countries

This world, in which I sit, from which I write, was spoken, into existence merely from Your uttering the words: Let there be light. And, there WAS light.

You tell me, to let there be light, upon THIS. You say, that I must acknowledge, THAT.

You tell me, this is something I must do. Even You, can not, will not, go past Your Promise, Your Word, of free will.

You say, I must. You say, it is time.

Dad, I can’t. I can’t yet speak of THIS. I dare not acknowledge THAT. I can’t give THAT life, yet. Not yet. I am not ready.

Dad, I admit I can’t even stand today.

In not speaking of THIS, by not acknowledging THAT, Life has taken the choice of standing from me. In not choosing, I gave something/someone else, the right to choose for me.

Life, has come to my rescue, today. Life, has put me, on my knees, before You.

It is the only reason, I kneel, before You, now, today, completely broken.

I have only one question for You, for Life, today…

Dear God, what do I do, now that it’s time and I am just not ready?

Jaybird CAGED

I had to go into the office to pick up a new office chair. Broke my old one throwing a temper tantrum. Kidding. Would have been a nice edition to the story, though.

Being as I have been working from home, had not driven to work in more than a year.

I was confident that I remembered the way. Smh. Both, Yikes and Egads appeared just in case they would be needed. Okay, they both arrived with popcorn to enjoy the upcoming festivities. This is known as foreshadowing for those who don’t write…*sigh*.🤷‍♀️

I jumped in the car, cranked up the volume on my music and…

Life tapped me on the shoulder and said: okay, so you just may want to google map your way. It HAS been a minute. Also, you drove to work in the dark morning hours. Things look completely different, in the light.

I got this, I advised life pridefully. Yikes said, well, Yikes. Dropping the popcorn, Yikes could see it had been dragged into the fray.

God then said: My Child, I love thee with an everlasting love. That said, um, you know you may have a challenge or two when it comes to directions. Maybe, you should google map your way.

I got this, I confidently told God. Wanted to make Dad proud, you see. Egads said, well, Egads and joined Yikes.

Paying none of them no mind, I made my way to work. Traffic was a beast. No matter, I had conquered traffic the weekend before last.

🚗. I rocked and rolled my way to work. I told yall! Ha!

Yikes!

Egads!

👀…hhmm…*Cassandra realizes she may or may not perhaps kinda sorta what had happened taken the wrong turn.

*Ten extra minutes later, Cassandra entered work directions and listened to google map’s chastisement ALL the rest of the way to work*.

The extra driving time was nice. ALL things work for our good, remember? God and Life had already baked my goofness into the equation.

Also, Yikes and Egads both agreed this would be a lovely thing to blog about. May as well make some lemonade from the lemons I created.

Don’t be afraid to make lemonade, even when you are the one who required Life to bop you upside the head with lemons.

This was just another reminder to ensure that I am standing on firm foundation. This presented another opportunity to stretch my faith muscles by telling pride to kick rocks and asking, google maps, aka God and Life, for some help.

God is a very PRESENT help in the time of trouble. Even in the trouble we bring on ourselves.

Don’t think your troubles are too insignificant for God and Life to take interest in and charge over.

Don’t allow your making a mistake, big or small, to keep you from seeking help. Don’t punish yourself because you made the mistake, in the first place.

Even the big mistakes. The doozies. The ones you can’t think about, let alone forgive yourself. Even in these, God and Life are there for you.

They got this. Let them have you.

You CAN. You WILL.

Go…okay, so don’t forget to take google maps with you. Yikes and Egads may want to join for your festivities. 👍

His Awesome Daughter,

Jaybird REDIRECTED

Standing has been hard, today.

Standing appeared to be impossible, today.

Standing hurt terribly, today.

Healthwise, workwise, likewise. Hard enough I actually considered quitting.

Nevertheless, I stood. On zero sleep. On zero personal understanding. On pressure from without and from within.

I thought of how I allowed myself to stand alone, the other day, when the pressure was the same.

I REFUSED to stand on my own, today. I turned on praise/worship music I wasn’t feeling. KNOWING that God inhabits the praises of His People.

I yelled aloud the scripture that God is a PRESENT help in the time of trouble. I hollered for help, literally. Told God I needed help, that I wanted to quit. Told Him I am NOT a quitter and will stay here, in this very spot, until He gives me GRACE.

I did not ask for a way of escape. This is HIS way for me, in this present moment. He knows why He needs me here. It’s not about my comfort, right now.

There are times, in our lives, when God and Life just needs us to stay there, in the hard place, at the hard time. They don’t have the time to tell us why. Someone is in need. The someone may not even be you.

Does it really matter?

It does not. So, I stood. THIS time, I stood on God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, and on God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

In doing those things, I saved myself from making a permanent choice to take me out of a temporary situation.

Either way, the loser would have been me. The loser may have also been others that God and Life had been tending to THROUGH my standing.

Our standing affects EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in our circle and beyond.

God told me once that our lives are like making a ripple. That ripple can turn into a pond. That pond can become an ocean. That ocean can become a tsunami. That tsunami can change the world.

WE can change the world. At the very least, we change our world and the worlds around us just by standing.

I have no idea if these words have helped a soul. I know they touched MY soul.

I changed my own life by checking myself, BEFORE I wrecked myself. I could have brought a negative tsunami, of my own making, by standing on fear, doubt, unbelief.

We can also wreck ourselves when wanting OUT. Just out of the hard situation. We do ourselves such a disservice, I think.

We fight, to the death, for folks we care for. Would never give up so easily when it comes to them. Yet, we can give ourselves permission to give up, give in and make excuses why we didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t.

The more I stand, the more that I hang out with God and Life, the more They give of Themselves to me, the more I want to give to Them. I can’t give Them less than 100.

I can’t give myself less than 100.

I even refuse to lean my full weight upon my fam or folks who love me. I put my full weight on God’s Shoulders.

AFTER leaning on God, on God’s CHARACTER, and God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me, I allowed myself to reach out to ask for grace.

The bible says that Gods yoke is easy and His burden is light. Leaning upon HIM, the hard place was still hard but my heart was now light.

I could see, again. I could hear, again. I could breathe, again.

When all hell breaks loose, when situations come at you in waves, when pain, physical, mental, or otherwise, rocks your world it’s easy to look upon the waves and become fearful.

Remember, beloved to CHOOSE to stand. Then, stand.

The more life, situations, and folks cut up on you, the more practice you get standing, leaning, exercising your faith, allowing your fam/friends to step back from their need to want to rush in and save you from hurt and discomfort.

ALL things work together, for our good. No, God and Life does not enjoy seeing us in pain. Yet, the pain is normal when giving birth, when something is being healed, when things are lost and/or taken away.

It is only AFTER we have come out, on the other side, that we reap the rewards of standing: our faith is strengthened, our joy is restored, our hope is renewed.

This is exactly why Jesus went to sleep during the storm. He had full confidence in God’s Word to go to the other side, on God’s CHARACTER, that they would arrive safely, and on God’s Deep and Abiding Love, that He will ALWAYS be there to protect us.

Standing, is a choice. WHAT to stand on, is a choice. Even choosing not to choose, causes life/situations/others to choose what we stand on, what we stand FOR.

Standing was hard, today. Nevertheless, I stand.

Standing hurt, today. However, I embrace the Yikes and the Egads and have laughed my way through the hard.

Did the hard stop being hard? Of course, it didn’t.

I thank God and Life for all the hard moments, today. I am grateful for them. They have made me a better me. They have drawn me closer to living life, not simply surviving it.

What a beautiful place this hard place has turned out to be. Think I shall use God’s Pillow and stick around this hard a while.

Keep going. Keep standing. Lean heavily on His Power not your will power. Your willpower won’t when the rubber meets the road.

We got this. God and Life has us.

Remember God loves you no matter how many times you fall, no matter of you win the day or feel as though you have lost it.

Your victory was had the MOMENT you CHOSE to stand. Even if you fell, you won still. Arise. Begin, again. I begin with you.

God’s Fave Daughter,

Jaybird REGARDLESS

A war has broken out. One, inside me. I find the 52 year old me in an intense war, with the 17 year old me. This war has been going on for the past few days.

As God and Life digs deeper and requires more, of me, of my effort, if my safe spaces, of ALL of my spaces…*sigh*.

Freedom is wonderful. It comes at great price. Freedom, TRUE freedom, costs you everything. EVERYTHING.

Yet, in giving up everything, you FIND everything. You find you.

Here lately, I have been perfectly content to allow God and Life full access to every area, space, dream, goal, love that I have.

“Have at it”, I confidently told them. SMH. I was confident They could do and have all of me, knowing all is for my good. Yea, I figured I would have an uncomfortable moment or two or ten. I could ‘manage’ those. I could handle those. I could stand: on God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, and upon God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

Anyone can stand, for a while. Anyone can boldly give up this or that, when the giving up of this or that does not require much thought, effort or truly giving up of a thing, hope, dream, hurt, loss, pain.

God and Life are super smart. They know, full well, we all in it and will give all and do all so long as not too challenged, so long as They keep away from ‘certain areas’. It’s like company coming over. Rather, ‘certain’ company that comes over.

Close fam/friends get to sit in the comfy room where everyone hangs out. Super close fam/friends get to hang out in the bedroom or separate ‘living spaces’ where we let our hair all the way down. Magazines tossed about, couch pillows every which way. This is the place where we are the loudest, where we feel the most comfortable, where we truly let our hair/guards down.

The ‘other room’ is for company that rarely comes. It is always immaculate. No one really ‘lives there’, you know? I guess it can be called the pretend living room. We put company there to impress them. We don’t expect them to stay long. They don’t. They have received the message to visit, to not go deep, to keep it brief and keep it moving along. Another visitor checked off of our ‘have to’ list in ‘reaching out’ and loving folks.

I must admit, and, it pains me to admit this, to me, ESPECIALLY to me, that I have been keeping everyone in the pretend living room. Yes, I go and visit them. To THEIR homes. I go and minister to them and encourage them. Then, retreat and retire to my pretend living room. If I invite them over, it’s not to the comfy room, the ‘living room’.

I’m a passionate person. Always have been. Always will be. That ‘passion’ has always been viewed as ‘too much’. Too loud. Too ‘angry’. Too passionate.

“Use your indoor, voice”

“No one has time for all that”

“Why do you ALWAYS have to have something to say about this or that?”

“Why can’t you keep that to yourself?”

“Does it really take all that?”

“Is it really all that serious?”

I would rush out, fling my arms wide, and invite the world in. Just wanted to share my heart, my thoughts, my joy with the whole world. I wanted to love the world and have the world love me back.

At times, some would come. They would hang with me, in the living room. We would kick it. Eventually, I would become ‘too much’. Too loud, too passionate. Too, something or other.

Over time, I learned to invite less and less peep over. Okay, I would invite the same folk over. But, I began to use the pretend living room. Now, when folks came to ‘visit’, I learned to tone down the joy. I learned to share surface things with them. They gladly accepted the surface things, I found. Much easier for folks to stay on the surface, of life. Very unsatisfying to me but something I had gotten used to, over the years.

The only time I could be FULLY me was when I was hanging out with God. With Jesus, specifically. I could be as loud as I pleased. I could be me. I COULD BE ME! Jesus loved me. ALL of me. He seemed to love the loudest parts, the silliest parts, the most.

He and I talked endlessly, for hours, about everything and nothing. He kicked it with me in my living room, laughed with me in the pretend living room. Eventually, He helped me realize it’s okay for me to be so passionate. I was made this way. His Love helped woo me to the love of The Father. This was a scary place to go, for me.

Father was a hard word for me. A father was harsh. A father was a task master. Or, so I believed. Long story short, I learned to trust God, The FATHER. Eventually, He became MY Father. He became My Home. And, in becoming Home made Himself completely at home. God invited Life to come with(they are a set, you know?), and both took abide with me, in me.

Which brings me to current events: Civil War….*sigh*.

In unpacking, God and Life have discovered many boxes in needing of being unpacked. Time to deal with things. Time to deal with ME.

The more God and Life has freed me, the less I am willing to keep hiding me, hiding my passion, from this world. I find I can no longer bear to be less than 100. With God. With Life. With family. With friends.

Friends? Are they really? Have I really ALLOWED them to be? Have I hidden behind the tired excuses folks are too busy, they have kids, they have work, they have this or that? Has it been easier, for me to be less of me, hoping to receive more of them?

Yikes. Egads….hmm….where did yall come from?!….*Cassandra weighs embracing Yikes and Egads to find out where they are leading her. Or, should she continue to reside in her pretend hiding room, even from herself*….

In being 100, and unpacking a Yikes, I find that I have been protecting myself and not showing all. Yes, I give 1,000 percent when it comes to encouraging folks, loving folks, being there for folks. Keeping it 100, as young folks say, I must admit to showing about 75 percent, of me, so folks won’t think it too much, think I am ‘too much’.

Egads, I find I no longer have a ‘not enough’ problem. In doing away with distractions, I find that I have a ‘too much’ problem. I find part of my heart standing, alone, upon a ‘it’s okay’ post. I won’t be ‘too much’. I will be silent. I will be ‘convenient. I shall be like a Hallmark Card: wonderfully encouraging, when needed, tucked away, in a drawer, when not.

Look closer, says God. Look closer, says Life. In looking closer, I find the one standing, alone, is me, yet not. It’s the 17 year old me. The 52 year old me looks at her and am sad. I know she is standing on sinking sand.

I want to race to her. Want to shout to her to come down from there.

“COME DOWN FROM THERE!” You don’t have to be there. You are loved. God loves you. Life loves you. I love you. You don’t have to be anything less than 100 percent of you.

Go to her, God says. Go to her, says Life. I go to her. She has run away. Stalemate.

It’s time to deal with her, God says. It’s time for you to deal with her, Life says. It’s time to deal with me, says me.

The only way that I know to get to her, to get to ME, is through words. It’s all that I have to try and set her free. The 17 year old me. She has been silently getting in the way of just too many things. She is making it difficult for God and Life to be fully at home. She is angry. Extremely angry. Something happened, when she was 17 and she has been angry every since.

Angry with God. Angry with Life. Angry with…more later on that. Angry with herself. Especially, with herself. She has been angry for 35 years. God is tired of seeing her lugging that hidden anger, that silent anger, that raging anger that will burn down the whole house, if He does not step in. If I do not step in.

I invite you to come with me, as I go in search of her, in search of me, through letters. I shall sneak them, one by one, under her bedroom door. Hopefully, she will come out soon. Hopefully, we can connect, she and I. I need for her to forgive herself. She was 17. She did the best she could. Alas, I had best save these arguments for her.

Pray for me as I go to her. Come with me. Maybe, just maybe, you also have a part of yourself that is struggling to be free of anger, hurt, fear, pain, whatever it is that has been holding you back for years, for decades.

We have a life to live, not survive. I am done surviving. I am done showing less of me, hoping to get more of you. If you can’t deal with ALL of me, that’s okay. I shall enjoy life with God, with Life, with fam/friends who get a kick out of the loud me, the sports nut me, the super in love with God me, the super serious me, the stupid me, the ridiculous me. Yikes and Egads thinks I am a hoot. I keep them around with my shenanigans and thoughts and deeds. Yikes. Egads. See?

See you on the other side of the letters…

Jaybird HOPEFUL

I stood alone.

I STOOD alone.

I stood ALONE.

I STOOD ALONE!!

Sounds valiant, doesn’t it? Heroic, eh?

Both things would have been true had I actually been standing: on God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, and on God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

However, I had actually been compensating and leaning upon my own strength, trying to figure things out with my own understanding, trying to encourage myself with my own inadequate words.

Both God and Life tried to get me standing with Them. I must admit to having a bit of pride and letting Them know that “I got this”.

Turns out I didn’t ‘got this’. In fact, I got got.

Yikes!

Egads!

God understands. Life understood. It’s why They have baked our standing, not standing, compensating into the equation.

However things turn out, ALL things still work together for our good. My stumbling moments put me on my knees, had me crawling in God’s lap, had me comforting myself with the knowledge that God loves me, still.

He loves me, still. Even in my lowest moments, even in my most frustrating moments, God loves, Jaybird, still.

Still, I fly, dented, valiant, free, joyous, brilliant, abiding in the shadow of The Most High.

I stand. Surrounded. By God. By His Love. He stands with me.

We stand…

Keep going. Stand. When you stumble, gather yourself and stand again.

Standing with you,

Jaybird RENEWED

The day had started out really well. Fantastic, in fact.

I had ended the evening well: spent some delicious hours hanging out with God, Life and a bit of bible study.

Went to bed on time. Meaning, I was up way too long catching up on my sports programs.

Bounded out of bed to snag coffee: translation – begged and pleaded with the comforter for a few more minutes of sleep before relinquishing the night to its rightful place.

Coffee consumed, breakfast eaten, music blasted (ear buds used, of course), I took up where I left off with my study of Psalm 31.

“How comforting, I told myself”. I was in a good place so was having compassion for poor King David who sure was getting beatdown in this passage. Poor man. Smh.

I thought it super sweet how God had bent down His ear to hear David’s cry.

I thought it particularly poignant when David said:

Psalm 31: 7-10 – ⁷ I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; ⁸ And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.⁹ Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. ¹⁰ For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.

I thought it was awfully neat how God was there for David when he was in trouble. Not being in trouble, currently, I figured this was just a nice Bible study for Bible study purposes. Smh. Poor me. I had no clue what the day held in store for me.

About 10 minutes into my first cup of coffee, life circumstances decided to kick me in the face. After I came to, it appeared that all hell and broken loose upon my day. The day turned out to be so upsetting, it apparently alerted my blood pressure who decided to run up as high she could possibly go. I had long since forgotten about Psalm 31.

Upset, frustrated, hurt, I rushed to call my big brother and tell him about my troubles. Of course, being at work, my big brother had no time for me. I couldn’t call my sister as she had things to do until evening.

Upset, frustrated, hurt, wearily picked up my phone to look at a text someone had sent me. These were the exact words of the text:

Isaiah 41:10 – ¹⁰ Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

This person always knows when I need to hear something. Not just something, but the perfect Scripture.

Here I was, burning up phone lines, trying to find someone to cast my cares upon, when God had already provided His Shoulder, early this morning, long before hell had come looking for me. Knowing I would forget all about standing, in the midst of this sneak attack, God sent a friend to text me that God, indeed, had my back.

it’s quiet now. I have time to reflect upon the day. It’s easy to see now, how I allowed the circumstances to overwhelm me.

I forgot all about my friends, Yikes and Egads.

I forgot to stand upon God’s Word.

I forgot to lean upon God’s character.

Mostly, sadly, I forgot to lean upon God’s Deep and Abiding Love for me.

Had I done those things, I could have spent the day embracing Yikes and Egads and had a great time laughing at all the days missteps and mistakes and what in the fresh hells.

I could have crawled onto God’s lap and told Him all ’bout my troubles.

Thankfully, we can start our day over whenever we like. I’m starting over, right now. As we speak, am fixing to have coffee with God and Life and am going to tell both of them all about my troubles. I am even inviting Yikes and have him share my most ridiculous moments. Egads! Appears Egads wants to come to.

I shall end this day the very same way I began it: a bit of time with God, a few minutes of quiet, and a grateful heart. Thank you, God, for being there for me, before I knew I needed You.

Jaybird GRATEFUL