The weight I carry(carried).

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, given to me, by others.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry, as it was weight given to me by others.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, given to me, by the expectation, of others.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry, as it was weight, given to me, by the expectation, of others.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, given to me, by me, by my own expectation(s), of me.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry, as it was weight, given to me, by me, by my own expectation(s), of me.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry.

For, I carried the weight, my weight, to The Cross, and left the weight, my weight, there.

There, on The Cross, I crossed the weight, my weight, from the things I had left to carry.

The weight I carry…

Is weight, I no longer carry.

Free.

At last.

Ah.

Aha!

weightless,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: The weight(s) that you carry, leave it at The Cross. No need in your carrying the weight, of the world, on your shoulder. Put it on The Shoulders of He Who was meant to bore them. Weight, bourne, on a Tree, for you and me.

Be encouraged. Remember always, beloved:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

The perfect sound.

There is a particular sound, a perfectly shot basketball makes, as it flings itself, into the net.

Pop!

Pop.

POP!

That popping sound. THAT popping sound, is the sound a pure shooter, listens for. A REAL shooter, fights for, pines after, chases after, the pop of a perfectly arced basketball. The going making of the basket, is nice. We’ll take it. We grow annoyed with each missed basket. Bemused, with each non perfect sounding basket.

In this search, I spent many an early morning, in hot pursuit. In the chase, I ended many a sweat filled evening, running down that pop.

Even now, I hear the crunch of gravel. Beneath the feet of hastily tied shoes. My ears can still hear the sound of the creaking gate which stood in the way of my defiant foe: An empty rim, a dusted hoop. Waiting, for me. Sneering, at me. Wondering if, today, I just might hear a pop or two.

Almost angry, I would dribble my way, around the court. Sneering back, I would stalk my prey. Endlessly, pondering. Breathlessly, wondering, which shot, which angle, which heave, would be the one to give up my prize.

Finally, anticipation ended, I would toss the first shot and…

Clank.

Crap.

Heave…

Bounce, tired roam the rim, gracelessly sliding in.

Phooey.

Launch…

Pop.

Ah!!!!

Yea, beloveds, there is NOTHING like the wonderful pop which comes from a perfectly shot shot!

Today, I still seek after the pop.

On, my job.

In my life.

With my family.

With God.

With Life.

With myself.

Now, though, I use my TRY, as my basketball. What is the pop, I am after?

Great question.

God and Life won’t tell me. They only encourage me to try. Both have me wanting, something.

Wanting…

Something.

Toss.

Clank.

Crap.

Heave.

Tired bounce.

Phooey.

Launch.

Pop.

Ah,

Aha!

*Cassandra shuts down her Chromebook after a delicious sounding pop of computer keys perfect sounding as words snapped deliciously from her heart.*

What a perfect sound life makes, beloveds, when it is lived, in the moment, with intention.

Get to living now. Your perfect sound awaits you.

steadying for the next shot,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It is time. YOUR time. Lace up your tennies and get back in the game. The score is besides the point. Try. Just try. Enjoy the try. Laugh, when you miss. Then, try, again. And, again. And, again. Until…

Ice my way: Make a plan.

Now that I know my body was in need of iron I can enjoy ice, my way, by making a plan.

Before, when I hid my hurt and my heart, behind a never ending, every two hours supply of ice.

Yet, I felt trapped within the never ending every two hour ice making in order to hide my hurt and my heart behind a never ending every two hours supply of ice. Whew!

Still, my hurt and my heart needed that ice. The crunch, was comforting. The sound, was delicious. The making, of the ice, was fun: I have six, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that make deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice!…hugs self deliciously*.

The only thing I did not like was being tied to making ice every two blasted hours. I came to need the ice but dread the two hours.

Like clockwork, every two ridiculous hours, I would rush to empty those six, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that made deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice.

After a time, the time, making the ice, became a burden, a prison, a what in the world are you doing wasting your life making ice every two blasted hours!?

Habits can be like that, can’t they? The thing we used to enjoy has turned on us and was now enjoying us.

Eventually, I grew tired of wasting those hours. I started taking my iron. I stopped craving ice. I stopped eating ice. For years.

In a way, I am thankful my iron had grown low enough to start up the craving. I am greatful I had to take down those six, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that make deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice.

I was able to process. I was able to ask myself if I was needing ice. Or, if ice was craving me.

Ah.

Aha!

To make sure, I stopped eating ice and put away those six, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that make deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice. I bought iron. I took iron. I lost the craving for iron.

Now, I can enjoy a bit of ice, every now and again. I limit myself to two trays of, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that make deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice.

The same way I limit eating Lucky Charms cereal. I love, love, love the things! I could eat bowls and bowls and bowls. Why, I only eat them every once in a great blue moon. Just the small box. I tried to sneak and order the larger box. Who would know, I whispered to myself. I would, I shouted back to myself. I ordered just the small box.

Today, I live my life, with intention. I told myself, last night, I would wake early, have coffee, do a bit of writing. For, me. For, you. For…*shrug*…no other reason then enjoying the deliciously delightful, delectable, defiant, unknown thrill of writing whatever the world my heart wanted or needed to write about.

What am I doing?

Now?

Right now?

Why, I am up early, having coffee, writing for me, yakking at you, whilst waiting for two trays of, colorful, round, silicone ice trays that make deliciously, crunchy, irresistibly, irreverently loud, round ice!

*delicious shiver*

living life with intention and Lucky Charm less,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t be afraid to enjoy those quirky things which help you to enjoy your life. Yes, it is super important to be mindful, to be diligent, to be sure we are not using those things to hide, to hurt or imprison us within walls of overuse, abuse, or taking us away from the life we are trying to live in a healthy and loving way.

Be sure to love you, intentionally. By, looking after your health. By, taking some me time to enjoy some you time. By, making a plan, to spend EVERY moment, in the moment. Life is short. Take the time to take the time to take the time to…live.

It’s about that time, to check on my ice. Okay, I will readily admit those cute trays made ice a million two hours ago. I am in no mood for ice. Just needed to take creative liberties so you could envision me crunching on deliciously rounded ice cubes whilst writing and talking to you…*shrug*. Worked didn’t it?

Be encouraged.

I love You, Unapologetically.

I love You…

Unapologetically.

I love You…

Unequivocally.

I love You…

Vocally.

I love You…

totally.

I love You…

completely.

I love You…

Fully.

I love You…

Wholly.

I love You…

In spite of.

I love You…

Because of.

I love You.

I need for You to hear this.

From me.

First.

I need You to hear this.

I love You, Father(Abba)

I love You, Jesus(Savior)

I need for You to hear this.

Is this enough?

For you?

It is.

*The Father gives Cassandra one last hug, slides her from His Lap and watches hew walk into the rest of her life with Jesus at her side.*

Ah.

Aha!

loving me some Him,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Noting to note. Just needing Him to know how very much I care. It is important to declare one’s love, at times. It causes the recipient to swoon. It fills the recipient with joy. Be sure to let those in your life KNOW that you love them. They need to hear the words. Your heart needs to express and say them.

I find it terribly sad how the world has turned loving God into a punchline, a joke, a political statement or lack thereof. God loves. He is. He is NOT there to make you feel like an awful human. You are NOT a disappointment to Him. Yes, He becomes disappointed when we do things which do not serve ourselves or others. Yes, He wants us safe. Yes, He wants us to love one another. Mostly, He just wants to be there. For you. And longs for you to be there with Him.

God doesn’t need your works. He doesn’t need your money. He doesn’t need for you to enslave yourself to a job, to a position, to an ideal. God needs YOU. Period. He needs your love. He needs to hear from you. He needs to be near you. He needs to hear your dreams. He needs to wipe your tears. He needs.

God needs.

God NEEDS!

God needs?!

He does.

Isn’t that astounding?

What is more astounding is that He needs ME.

ME!!?

Wow.

Mike drop…..

I love you, unapologetically.

I love you…

Unapologetically.

I love you…

Unequivocally.

I love you…

Vocally.

I love you…

totally.

I love you…

completely.

I love you…

Fully.

I love you…

Wholly.

I love you…

In spite of.

I love you…

Because of.

I love you.

I need for you to hear this.

From me.

First.

I need you to hear this.

From God.

I do.

He does.

Is this enough?

For you?

It is.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, continuing to love…herself.*

Ah.

Aha!

loving me,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Oftentimes, we wait for others to fill our heart with love. Too many times, we wait, anxiously, then feel unloved, unlovable, unseen when love does not appear to have shown up. It is imperative that we love ourselves, first. We can’t give what we have not received. THEN, we have enough love to give away. Once emptied, we must get a fresh refill of love so we can fill ourselves, first. Then, again, love others. Rinse. Repeat.

WHERE do we get refilled? Ah, great question! Keep asking. I shall give you a hint. Lean closer…

Why not?

Why not?

Why not…

You?

Why not?

Why not…

Now?

Why not?

Why not…

Your dreams?

Why not?

Why not…

Your needs?

Why not?

Why not…

Your try?

Why not?

Why not…

Your time.

Why not?

Why not:

You?

Your dreams?

Your needs?

Your try?

Your time?

Can you?

Why not?

Let’s go see.

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, wanting, in search of something.*

relentlessly in search of…,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Why not, beloveds? Why the world not? Why can’t the entire, whole wide, who cares about you world open up to and for you? It can. It will. Once you realize true, honest to goodness LIVING has very little, if anything to do with what you do, what you have, or what you have been.

Life isn’t about acquiring. There is nothing wrong with acquiring. It is WHAT folk are relentlessly pursuing, where the challenge lies. Life is short. Are you acquiring:

Wisdom.

Knowledge.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Unity.

Integrity.

Truth.

Fellowship.

Or, is your focus acquiring people, places and things in order for you to be handed:

Wisdom.

Knowledge.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Unity.

Integrity.

Truth.

Fellowship?

Ah.

Aha!

Keep asking why not you…

The quiet is so loud.

It has been sooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet, here lately.

My heart, has been loud.

My dreams, have been louder.

My tears, have flowed freely.

My needs, have boldly asserted themselves.

Yet, God and Life have been quiet.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet.

The quiet, THEIR quiet, is so loud, right now.

I am trying to okay, with THEIR quiet.

I am learning how, to be silent, when God and Life, grow quiet.

It’s not easy. I am used to being loud. I am used to rushing into the breach, to snatch out this try and that be about and this hard work and that tough circustance.

Lately, God has been gesturing for me to be still. Life has been urging me to be silent.

Why?

I have no idea.

God is quiet.

Life is silent.

The quiet is so loud.

*Cassandra strains to hear. All she can hear is the loud beating, of her heart, as she strains to be silent. Suddenly, a…..*

To be continued?

I have no idea.

Everything is quiet.

I feel as though I am on a precipice.

THE precipice?

I have no idea.

I feel…

Something.

I feel…?

I feel.

I FEEL!

Ah.

Aha!

getting closer to something,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Be still, beloveds, while life is shaking, straining, changing all around you. This shaking is necessary. As you are being re-potted, re-planted, up-rooted, trust The One who is taking care of your heart, your plant…YOU!

The upset/upheaval you feel is nothing more than the necessary shifting from this place to that one. This place, is unfamiliar and feels un-settlingly so. New, places can feel unnerving when you don’t have faith in who/what is in charge of the move.

Embrace, this time. It shall never come again. Enjoy your try. Trying will become fun, when you do. I try. I flop. I laugh. I try, again. I mess up, again. I laugh, again. I try, again. I succeed, just a smidge. I rejoice in my smidge. I try. I lose the smidge. I laugh. I try, again. Rinse. Repeat. Ah. Aha!

Wanting something.

Have you ever found yourself wanting…

Something?

Yet, something, kept you from finding your something.

Leaving you wanting, instead.

Something, is getting in the way, of your wanting.

Or, is your wanting, getting in the way, of something?

Is it the something, in which you are wanting, that holds your key?

Or is it the wanting, of the something, which will unlock the dream?

Is the key, in the something?

Is wanting, in fact, the key?

How can you know when wanting, that something, is sucking the oxygen from everything.

My heart is wanting…

Something.

Something, is now wanting, my heart to receive.

Receive what, I ask my heart now?

Now, my heart looks onward, at something, shooting for something, it has been wanting all my life long.

What do you want?

Something.

Maybe, God and Life knows something about this something my heart has been wanting, inside me.

Ah.

Aha!

*Cassandra goes in search of something she has been wanting 54 years and counting…*

patiently waiting whilst wanting SOMETHNG,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going, beloveds. Keep believing. In, you. In, Life. In, Love. In, family. In, God. I know, I know. It’s no longer fashionable to believe in those things. Apparently, it’s no longer cool, to believe. Keep believing, still, yet and always. The world will do what it does. Change will always be. Yet, God shall ALWAYS be. I know. I know. Eye rolls may commence here. That’s okay. As, are you. As, am I. Be sure to get some rest, today, in order for you to tackle your next days with peace, hope, joy, love, comfort and as much love as you can cram into your heart, into my heart, and into the hearts of this still caring world. Don’t let what you see on the television fool you. There are many more folks who care, still, than those who are currently acting ten kinds of fool. Be encouraged.

Discombobulated.

This has been such an odd morning. Odd, ALL day, so far. My heart is all over the place.

Dealing with mom stuff, with me stuff, with life stuff, with past stuff, has been…discombobulating. I texted fam/friend:

Am discombobulated. Not sure why. Not upset. Work is quite. Just find myself unsettled while trying to move forward. Found myself reaching for the phone to call mom. Hit me I can’t call her. Crap.

What did I do?

I took discombobulated with me to work, through chores, through lunch, through yakking with fam until discombobulated got bored and decided to go mess with someone else.

Ha!

Keep going, beloveds. This has been a long week. You have done your best. Rest now. Leave the outcome to God and Life. Get some nice me time in there. I have some delicious playoffs to watch and scrumptious grilled top sirloin sandwiches to inhale.

Take care.

Be encouraged.

resting with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life can feel exhausting. That’s okay. Try not to live in your feels and give yourself a break. You do NOT have to figure it all out, today. You got this.

Old habits will tell on you: Back away from the brownie mix, Cassandra.

This has been an exhausting day, beloveds. Found myself fighting with old habits, all day. Old habits was sneaky this time. Old habits paired up with mental fatigue and both lulled me to sleep. Then, the dasterdly crew grabbed 6 mini Milky Ways I had put away in the freezer. Yep, they wooed me with ‘you have done well, Cassandra. 6 of these teeeny, weeny things won’t hurt. You have earned them’. Then, mental fatigue chimed in I have not had chocolate in months.

Fatigued, I ate them then allowed mental fatigue to gently fan me to sleep. After a time, old habits suggested I go ahead and make that box of brownies I had in the cabinet. Yea, the brownies had been there forever and could use a bit of daylight, old habits reasoned.

Sensing some wonderfulness about to commence, stomach quietly growled to fingers to reach on up there and get the brownies. Head began shaking, vehemently, telling mouth to get up and do it’s job and go get legs to help!

Legs, having been alerted, rushed to find new habits who calmly advised hands to reach out to hips and send brain the signal to reach out to act right. Hands, defiantly on hips, entreated act right to get Cassandra to acting right.

Act right, sighed, put on her fave red Nikes and commenced to kicking some serious behind. Behind, shrieking in agony, borrowed legs and rushed back into the kitchen. Behind begged hands to get those blasted brownies BACK into the cabinet.

Calmly, hands put away the brownies. For punishment, act right made Cassandra do extra chores instead of enjoying the NBA Playoffs.

*pout*…..lol.

Thankfully, beloveds, your old habits WILL tell on you. Be sure to listen to them. I sat down, with a cup of coffee, and asked myself WHY I felt the need to unconsciously comfort eat. With intention, I took my comfort in calling my twin, my wombie, and talking to her. With intention, I found comfort in the scriptures. With intention, I sought comfort in letting God know I was awfully tired from not being able to live out my writing dream, right now. I asked for grace. I asked for peace. I asked for rest.

Then, I shared with sis, letting her know I was trying to comfort eat. It was comforting being able to share what was really going on. I didn’t used to. In fact, I would work extra hard to convince myself I was aite. For whatever reason, the church doesn’t appear to want folks to actually have actual feelings. Even though, Jesus wept, it doesn’t appear too acceptable for us to weep and say ‘ow’.

Ha! And, that Ha comes from God. And, from Life. Part of the reason, the main reason, lately, I have this blog is for folk to see BEYOND the curtain and to see it is perfectly fine and needed to be human whilst walking and living a Christian walk.

Christians have been acting such a fool I have told myself I need to find something to call myself. Many have taken to using God and the bible to bash fellow humans all upside the head….smh..

*Cassandra apologizes to God and Life for folk acting ten kinds of fools and not walking in love scaring folk half to death..smh…Cassandra climbs down from her soapbox and gets on with it*.

Back to the near Brownie Caper, I decided to sit with why I wanted to hide, just a bit, in food. I asked myself why I felt soooooooooooo mentally fatigued today. I had taken off 4 days and have spent those days endlessly yakking with family, proudly doing my food prep and keeping up with my chores. I have allowed myself to write and to rest from writing. So, I should be refreshed and ready to work, tomorrow.

I found I was sad from having to go and work tomorrow. I love my job. Love what I do. Yet, my heart just wants to write ALL night and pray for folk and write some more and read my bible and rinse and repeat until morning comes. There is nothing more delicious, to me, then writing in the wee hours of the night. It feels like only God and myself are up in the whole, wide world. I know this isn’t so but it feels this way.

Come morning, I am ready to hit the bed but can’t. It’s time to work. Ack! This has been the delimma for years and why I stopped writing for years. It was just too painful to have to stop writing. Now, my writer won’t stop. Hence, my mental fatigue. Hence, old habits sneaking up. Hence, brownies coming out of the tomb of the back cupboard.

Back away from the brownie mix, Cassandra.

I did.

Old habits, beloveds, will tell on you. I’m thankful mine told on me. Listen to yours. Keep on keeping on. Keep your act right acting right. Follow, old habits to see where they take you. They may/will lead you to some surprising places.

Life is short. It’s okay to have feelings. You just don’t want to live, in your feelings, and have them dominate your life and talk you into do that which is not healthy, helpful or smart.

Feel.

Process.

Forgive.

Move forward.

moving forward with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe