I pulled out my God’s Line Of Credit, slapped gloom, popped doom, kicked woe in the hindparts, with God’s Word, Bible scripture for those not in the know.
Strode to the bathroom, for a shower and my must have me time. Took an especially long shower and commanded my Google assistant, loudly, to play me some 🎶 music!
Exited shower and regally ensconced myself in my fave tattered royal blue bathsheet. Ehem, I had to take creative license as bathsheet is NOT tattered. Dramatic effects can for drama at times. Moving on…
Ensconced in freshly washed undies and t-shirt, I chair danced my way through ‘Never Lost’ by Cee Cee Winans.
Praising me some Him, I decided to reach out to some you and invite you to dance in yo undoes with me. Short of that, to dance with me, fully clothed.
Dance, in the dark.
Don’t fear, the dark.
Don’t worry, about the dark.
Don’t be anxious, in the dark.
Dance, knowing God and Life knew the lights were going to be out long time ago.
Dance, knowing the provisions were made long before the darkness descended upon you.
Batteries. Check.
Flashlights. Check.
Candles. Check.
Now, you may want to ask why God, why Life would knowingly allow darkness to descend in the first place!?
Life happens. To all. There is just no getting around to the fact that dark times WILL come for us all.
The FANTASTIC news is that we are not alone and don’t have to waste a second with gloom, doom and woe. Woe to them. Toss them thangs in the trash and keep it moving.🗑
Huh?
Where was fear, anxiety and doubts whilst I was dancing, in the dark, in my undies?
Beats me. If you read my earlier pieces I threw some hands with fear and anxiety and old doubts to shut up. I imagine they are trying to scare some other unsuspecting souls who don’t yet know they are not alone.
I have been on a popcorn kick, here lately. Sis tipped me off to these FANTASTIC silicone popcorn bowls that pops corn without burning and leaving a million seeds!!
YYYYAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Of course, you get wonderfully, delish, unburnt popcorn so long as you wash the bowl and have it prepared for the next go around.
Now, it may or may perchance kinda but not really okay so maybe I did what had happened wuz I may have decided to be lazy and try to sneak another popping session without washing out the bowl.
“What harm could a few flecks of leftover popcorn seasoning do?”
Tell THAT to my burnt popcorn smelling apartment!!
*pout*
I can not tell you how fast I tore to the sink, cleaned said bowl, and started another fresh batch.
Yummmers!!!!
YYYYYAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Moral of the story? Can I tell you after I eat this?…*Cassandra made note to be sure to make a note to come back and tell folks the moral of the story which is to take a moment and do the small thing so that the small thing doesn’t turn into a burnt bowl of popcorn thing*….
I admit it. I can be a goof. A real hoot, in my own fabulous opinion. In fact, I think I am a riot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH.
See?
I laugh. Out loud. For any reason. For no reason. Just cuz gaffaws. Just because I can hysterics.
I am part of a group. Rather, was part of a group. I made a funny. Funny, to me. Yet, the moderator didn’t think I was a hoot and deleted my comment. A dumb one, I admit. Yet, I was in an especially goofy mood and felt like being, well, goofy.
This, apparently, did not sit well. Saw a frown, then my message was gone.
Poof!
One of the other members, taking no issue with it, said hey there and kept it moving.
At first, I ALMOST wanted to get all up in my feelings. My pride, wanting to show off it’s terrible wound, got to hollering that life just wasn’t fair. Told my pride to shut up, already, and find two seats.
Then, I unfollowed the group. No sense being in a group where folks don’t get me, get my jokes, and welcome both.
In times past, I would have apologized, for making the joke. In essence, apologized for being me. Or, worse, I would have withdrawn, shut up, and shut down. No one would have known. Except, God. Except, Life. Except, me. There, in my fortress of shame/pride/hurt/(add whatever you like here), would I remain. Keeping myself, from future hurt. Keeping myself, from future harm.
Keeping myself, from my future.
Ha!
What did I end up doing? Nothing. Maybe, she was having a bad day. Maybe, she was getting bombarded by a bunch of hateraide and my joke came at the wrong time. Maybe, she needed some grace. Maybe, I needed to cut myself some slack.
I didn’t rush to the group to unfollow. I extended grace and kept it moving.
Now, tomorrow, if I get the same disapproving stare, I will follow my way on out of the group.
In the meantime, I shall be running folks, through my sheesh meter. What’s a sheesh meter? Let me show you….
Run folk through your sheesh meter:
You have to spend 6 months explaining that you are only kidding….shhheeeeeesh. Run. Hide.
You have to use spreadsheets and flowcharts to map out and show folk you were only kidding…sheesh. Run. Hide. Neva, eva return.
You have to spend an hour letting folk know you still love you some Jesus yet are human and therefore would like to share a humor-some tale…..smh…..sshhhhhhheeeeeeesh. Find another ‘Christian’ friend.
You have to spend even a second explaining why you are full of joy, are loud, do extremely weird things at the most inopportune times…….lawdawfrighty shhhheeeeeeeeeesh. Run away. Keep running!!
Make up your own sheesh meter. Then, filter folk through it and keep it moving.
Do NOT lock yourself away, because someone or someones did not get you. We were not all meant to get each other. Some of yalls jokes makes me look at yall and wonder what in the world you were drinking or thinking…hahahahaha!!!
Keep on loving.
Keep on laughing.
Keep on being you.
Find folks who will laugh at your jokes. As for the rest, it’s their loss, if you ask me.
Apologies, beloveds, in advance, for NOT apologizing for what I am fixing to say and share.
I ALREADY know, and receive, the excommunication I shall receive for throwing hands with straight out foolishness, folks not wanting to receive the truth, and everyone else who want to be able to do whatever they want and still expect to enter into skinny and blissful rest.
This afternoon, I got me some act right, and got my healthy meal prep back going. Prepared and stored, my grapes. Put away the bread…smh…you will find out why in a post or two. Egads, Cassandra. Get it together, woman!
I had healthy lunch of green beans and half can of tuna in water. No frills, bells or whistles. I put up the popcorn bowl. Good Egads, Cassandra…smh.
Sat down, gave thanks and told God and Life ‘My bad’ for cutting up, cuz I was grieving, and hidin’ behind about fifty thousand grilled cheese sandwiches and about a hundred and sixteen million seventy five bowls of popcorn. I told myself what I was eating wasn’t ‘that bad’. Gave myself ‘permission’ to give myself a bit of comfort, cuz I was grievin’, and worked my way through an entire loaf of bread and package of swiss cheese. Geez Louise, Cassandra!…smh.
I did this, beloveds, with my bible sitting there, staring quietly at me. Yea, I did this whilst God, whilst Life, whilst my heart, quietly watched me put a hurtin’ on my insides, because my insides were hurting, from grief. Ask me how this makes sense. It doesn’t.
Yet, it’s what folks do. It’s what, to be for real for real, what ‘church folk’ do, what black folks do, what killing themselves while taking care of their families and dismissing their own hopes and dreams women do ALL the time. See, we don’t get the time, and certainly do NOT get permission, to hurt. Nope. Nada. Nary for a second.
We have gotsa put on the Superwoman cape and act like we could give two hoots about our own hearts, hopes, and dreams. Yeppers, we have GOTSA take care of our fam, our jobs, the community, folks of other races because they will NOT stand up or speak up for themselves.
Folks, society, the world, EVERYBODY expects, no, demands us womenfolk do womenfolk things and take care of the world and hopefully we can scrape together a peanut butter and jelly sammich AFTER we have served the world the most expensive and sought after steaks.
So, we learned to adapt. We:
Hid, our tears.
Stuffed down, our feelings.
Stuffed, our faces.
Yea, we sang praises to Him, gave all we had to Him, and kept eating til we could eat no more.
Then, we would do the ‘fasting’ bit. Not fasting, in a healthy way. But, fasting in a starve yourself til midnight way then rush to the nearest buffet come noon kind of way….*sigh*….forgive us, Lord. We knew/know not what we do, at times…*sigh*.
And, I can NOT let menfolk, off the hook. To be honest, though, I feel super sorry for menfolk. They are expected to financially take care of the world. Not only that, but they have to have THINGS, BLINGS AND RINGS. Do NOT ask me why, beloveds, but society and the world has told me they have to have a bajillion dollars and be Sir Galahad to apparently poor, broke, busted and disgusted damsels, in distress.
On top of THAT, if you can believe this, these poor men have to drive the RIGHT car, wear the RIGHT watch, be the RIGHT height, live in the RIGHT area, sleep around with half the world population in the RIGHT men tom-catting type of way.
On top of THAT, if you can believe this, these SAME men are expected to love their mamas, protect their sisters, and forget all these women they supposed to be tom-catting with are actually someone eles’s mams and sisters. So, they too, these men do what us women do:
Hide, their tears.
Stuff down, their feelings.
Stuffed, their faces.
Until, the world, society, is left with a bunch of eatin’, hidin’, makin’ excuses kind of folks who are scared to death to let folks know they are hurting/dying on the inside.
Yet, their OUTSIDES tell on them. Told, on me. Tells, on you.
The more and more healing I got, I found the more and more I wanted my outsides to match up with the healing work that God, that Life, was doing, on my insides.
I got some act right. With, me, first. Then, apologized to God, to Life, for slowly snuffing my life, by stuffing my insides with unhealthy choices, unhealthy living and unhealthy eating.
I gained weight. A lot of it. And, yes, I do have some health issues. But, that’s not why I was big. I was big because I was stuffing my pain, stuffing my tired, stuffing my frustrations, stuffing my lonely, stuffing my anger, stuffing my regret. Stuffing. Stuffing. Stuffing. Stuffing.
How could I NOT be on the disproportionate side?
I owned it. And, took ownership of it. Of, me, beloveds. I started slowly. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or haven’t you heard?
Over the course of time, I learned to put less on my plate, food wise. I began to put more on my plate, life wise, and got to getting after it. Have I gotten all the way there? Of course not. I have my setbacks. Yet, I no longer beat myself up about things. I no longer worry about what others worry about whilst they apparently are worrying about how to tell me how to live my life….*sigh*.
It is high past time that folks get some act right. With, themselves. With, God. With, Life. Admit to stuffing down the hurt and ask for help getting the hurt out, healed and done away with.
And, folks, it is NOT shaming for folks that care, to care about you and let you know you unhealthy and back away from the plate slowly. We need to look out for one another. We need to be honest with each other. We need to love one another.
Loving ourselves starts with us caring enough, to tell ourselves the truth.
*Cassandra peers between her fingers to see if there were anyone left out there still reading/listening*
Life is short, beloveds. Best we get to being about this life and taking real good care of ourselves and each other.
The God of All Comfort, Who is Our Father, in heaven, loves you. He, loves me. He does not wish for us to run around helpless and hopeless. We were meant to have abundant lives. NOT…okay, won’t go there with the thought that crossed my mind.
Beatdown over. See, we survived. Just barely, for some. But, that’s okay. There are days where I barely scrape my way over to my healthy eating fixing. There are days, where I have an extra helping heaping of feeling a tad bit sorry for myself. Yet, I don’t allow myself to stay there. I make myself get some act right, pick up a bible, an apple, a weight, and get to lifting the weight and sin that soooooooooooooooooo very easily besets us.
Today, was super busy. Normally, wombie and I can get in some good text yakking. Oh, I enjoy rambling and meandering, via text messages, about this thing, that thing, and the other stuff…..*hugs self*.
There are days, though, where either she or I are just too busy, at the time, to answer/respond. So, we get to the messages, when we can get to the messages. Some days, like today, her responses were few and far in between.
Yet, I rambled on, KNOWING she was on the other end. KNOWING that she would holla back, when she got the chance. Contented, I rambled, meandered, wondered, wandered and laughed my way through a zillion texts. It humored me, still humors me, seeing all the messages she will wade to and respond to, as she can.
We live in such an instant world, nowadays. Folks want an answer now, quick, fast and in a hurry. No idea why folks are in such a blessed hurry. Slow down, people! Shhhheeeeeeeeeesh.
Anywho, thinkin of her, being comforted at the knowing she was on the other end, got me to thinking about the AWESOMENESS of God. He is ALWAYS on the other end. Of, our prayers. Of, our struggles. Of, our tears. Of, all that has been fighting with and against us.
He is ALWAYS, there, right there, in the dark, in the corner, on the ledge, on the mountainside, beneath the waves, in the deepest valley.
Yep, beloveds, God and Life are ALWAYS, there, right there, right here, for us, on the other end.
So, don’t despair, okie dokie, artichokie?
TRUST.
KNOW.
SPEAK.
REST.
WAIT.
Do this, beloveds. KNOWING, you are heard. KNOWING, you are loved. KNOWING, every single hair on your head, or lack thereof, are known, counted and counted priceless by He Who Loves you!
How awesome is that!??!!
*hugs self*
Keep on talking, beloveds. Life is so short.
Live.
Love.
Laugh.
I love you. Truly.
Why come, you may ask?….*shrug*. God made me this a way. We yak about yall ALL the time. We pray for yall ALL the time. We hope for yall ALL the time.
That’s what I said, beloveds, after running into the scariest person I have ever met. Me.
Yep, who knew that I could be so darned scary?!
Only God and Life knew that I was:
Fearless.
Breathtaking.
Undaunted.
Indefatigable.
Relentless.
Brave.
Yea, who knew that I was ALL those things, and a million mighty more. That is, once I had beat the hell out of fear, anxiety, doubts and all their minions and opinions.
Since then, I have been storming castles, busting down walls, chasing bandits/fiends/foes. I’ve been taking names, dishing out pain, to all that has stood in my way.
I no longer cower, in corners. I corner, the pursuer. I pursue that which had previously pursued me.
I, now, conquer, my days. I, now, dominate, my hours. I allow nary a moment, no, not one, to go,without notice. With INTENTION, I make my way through.
Ah, world, best get to steppin’ girl. Else, I may be coming for you! Don’t make me throw hands. Don’t make me come looking for my blessings, my hopes and my dreams.
Let’s get going now, Life. I gotta a lotta living to do! Life is much too short. We’ve got books to write. We’ve got burdens to share. We’ve got a million places to be!
Let’s get after it now, God. Life is much too short. We’ve got folks to love. We’ve got hearts to hug. We’ve got all manner of work to do!
Let’s get after it now, Sweetheart. Life is much too short. We’ve got folks who are in darkness who need your light. We’ve got folks who have given up who need your fight. We’ve got mountains, and valleys to see!
Can’t believe I spent sooooo many years living in and with fear. When ALL I had to do was trust God, trust Life, trust the gifts They gave and tell fear and anxiety to kick rocks.
I spend my days, now, kicking butts and taking down names. I no longer care how long or ask how much or say why me.
Now, I ask fear and anxiety how long and how much more can they stand getting beat down by me! Ha!
Lift up your head, beloved. Look in the mirror. Your champion is staring back at you!
Lift up your hands, beloved. Reach forth and claim all that is for you!
Lift up your countenance, beloved. Dry your eyes. Deliverance has come for you!
This is the day that God has made. Rejoice and be glad in it.
Fear not, beloved. For, the scariest person you will ever face is you. And she/he/they are a bad mama jamma!
Conquer, fear. Do something that has terrified you.
Conquer, anxiety. Try something you have NO chance of mastering the first time.
Conquer, lazy. Get done with the project you have been wanting to do for some time.
Conquer, some apathy. Get back to caring about things that have exhausted you to the point where you could care less.
Conquer, your job. Do the best you can as hard as you can til the work day ends. Don’t allow the work day to end you. When the work day is done, be satisfied.
Conquer, the walls that stands between you and the ones you love. If you put the walls up, tear them down. If you find walls between you, tear them down. Get to your loved ones. They need you. You need them. Conquer the walls of pride, of anger, of fear, of despair and repair what has been broken. Conquer what lies between you, NOT the love within you.
Conquer, looking back. Nothing is gained trying to live, in the past. Move, forward. Look upward. Determine, to be determined to conquer that which lies in your way.
Conquer, a big thing.
Conquer, something small.
Conquer something, today. Start throwing some hands and put ALL on notice. You are here!
Stop listening to your doubts. You have NO idea what you can do. You have NO idea how far you can go. You have NO idea what will happen after you have given your all.
Knowing this, beloved, go! Try. Just, try. Today may yet be your day. Finally. You won’t know until you do the darned thing. Your doubts know as much as you do. Which, is nothing. All you can control is your try. Just, try, beloveds.
I no longer worry about the outcome. I no longer wonder if I will win the day, if I will lose the thing. The fact that I did the thing, having no clue if I would win or lose, is enough for me. I gave all that I had. I did all that I know. I can live with the outcome. The point is that I am. I am living. I am loving. I am writing. I am trying. And, that, is win enough for me.
Shut up, doubts. Go ahead and take two seats. You are not welcome here, no more. Hit the road…
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 