Heart ❤ check: Not okay, but that’s okay.

faith, hope 2 Minutes

Good morning, beloveds. Just checking on you.

It’s hot.

I’m tired.

After days and days of heat advisory over 100, with ‘feel like temps’ of 105 to 110, my feels are feeling like running away from home. I didn’t.

Work has been, well, work. Have been voluntold, again, to do something especially hard and it has been, well, especially hard. I kept telling the trainer I didn’t, well, understand. She said she understood. She didn’t.

I reached out, to my leadership, letting them know how much I appreciated this one and that one. They never responded or reached back. I felt like an idiot. I told one, I felt like an idiot. Telling folk, how much I cared. Only, it appeared no one cared back. She said folk were in meetings and really liked what I shared but no one shared that with me. She said this to make me feel better. I didn’t.

I tapped out. Of the shift. Of the rest of the day. I was fasting. Til 3. It was only 2. Angrily, I stomped to the kitchen. I snatched the tail ends of some mini chocolate donuts. I raged. To the freezer. I whipped out some put away cheetos. Dammit, I was going to break my fast. An hour early.

“What good is my fasting doing? What good are MY words doing? What the fresh hell am I forever reaching out to a world who could give two damns about me?”

This, my words, to myself. I wasn’t talking to God or Life or The Universe. Just too damned embarrassed from being ghosted by the world, yet again. Dammit that hurts. EVERY time.

I looked at the donuts. The donuts looked at me. I cried. I sighed. I told donuts I would see them at 3. I made a promise. I kept it. I no longer allow life disappointments to give me an excuse to disappoint myself with comfort eating or things that don’t or won’t serve me.

Instead, I lay in the dark. I let my heart, well, hurt. She wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. And, that’s perfectly ok.

That was yesterday. Today, it’s hot. I’m tired. It’s stormy. I don’t feel like going out for my walk. I’m fixing to get ready to go for my walk.

I’m not using commas like I ought. A deliberate decision. I’m rebelling against the notion I ought to. Why? Cuz, I’m not quite okay. Ok? And, that’s okay. To not be okay until you are ok enough to use commas and okays any old way you please.

How are YOU?

I’m going to keep on asking.

I’m going to keep on believing.

I’m going to keep on reaching.

Up.

Out.

Loud.

Unapologetic.

Reach with me.

The world may ghost.

So what?

Who cares?

You do.

I do.

It’s a start.

We are enough.

Remember alway:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

caring/loving you still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

#HereForIt

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Published by Cassandra S.

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