Dear 55: May I tell you the truth?

Dear 55,

May I, tell you the truth?

You will be coming soon, for me. I look forward to your coming.

That said, I don’t want to celebrate you with fanfare. Truth be told, all I want to do is spend the day alone. Doing nothing. I don’t want to cake. I don’t want balloons. I don’t want a special meal. I just want silence. All day.

I don’t know why. Correction, I didn’t know why. Until, today. It’s because mom won’t be here to celebrate with me. Ah, mom.

I don’t know why that is. Mom wasn’t here for my 50th birthday. Still, I celebrated. I’m not sure why I don’t want to celebrate this year. At least, not around people. I guess it’s because the one person I want to spend the day with is no longer here. Sigh.

I still don’t know how to do this life without my mom. I feel so inadequate to the task. I’m trying to be a big girl. All I want to do, however, is to be a little girl crying for her mom. I can’t do that. I have a life to live. Mom of one that for me. I want that. For me.

Dear 55, I wait for you. What shall we do with my day? Ask mom for me, would you please?

Sigh,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: there are no words…

Note 2: it’s okay to miss loved ones. Yet, we have to keep on living. Life is short. Live it well. I don’t know what I will do on my birthday. Who knows what the day may bring…