Am I A Loser: My Journey Feeling lost

Poetry, Writing 3 Minutes

Hey there, it’s me, just an average person with an overwhelming sense of brokenness and loss. I have been a mess lately. Have you ever felt like holding you so tightly that you feel suffocated ????Have you ever seen as a Loser Loser Lost in chaos Today, I want to rant about my journey through…

Am I A Loser: My Journey Feeling lost

Wow, beloveds. This blogger’s piece was literally an answer to my prayer, of late.

I have been wondering what I could do/be, what my words could do/be, if I ONLY had financial security. If I had not spent growing up, wondering what, if anything we would have to eat, by the end of the month?

Wondering when/if the lights would be turned off.

Going hungry. Sitting with lights off. These moments, and more, caused me to over value safety and security. I built my life, on being ‘safe’. Yet, mom was ALWAYS blasting gospel music which, thankfully, introduced me to God.

So, here I was, all growed up, believing in God, but living a life wondering what I COULD have done, had I been able to afford college, have ‘enough’ financially, to be able to have time to travel, write, rest and…*shrug*…well, LIVE, as far as I was concerned.

The thing is, beloveds, I never FELT poor. We didn’t have much, in the way of finances. The feeling(s) of poverty/lack showed themselves, once I started school.

Other kids, made fun of our ‘hand-me-downs’. Being one of 13, us younger kids ended up wearing the clothes of the older ones. Lemme tell ya, after things have been passed down, fifty times, they can appear to be a bit worn. Sheesh.

After that, secret shame showed up, showed out and laughed at me. Constantly. Thereafter, constantly, I worked my fingers, to the bone, to earn my worth. If I could not look good, I would work hard, dammit!

I was smart. I was athletically gifted. I was held in high regard, by teachers. But, low regard, by peers. You can imagine, whose eyes I chose to view myself by.

If this finds me rambling, it’s because I am remembering the awful feeling of feeling as though I was ‘not enough’ unless I was doing, for others. Me, just me, would never BE enough. Not even, for God. Especially, Him. I HAD to serve, didn’t I? Else, I would be booted, from the opportunity, to get to heaven. Or, I would never hear ‘Thou good and faithful servant’. Or, I would not be ‘useful’ so why would He waste His time, with ME?!

It took years of love, of BEING loved, by Love, for me to learn to/how love me some me….*hugs self*.

Anywho, I say alllllllll of that to say this:

This blogger so touched my heart/mind/soul/spirit, it brings tears, to my eyes, just thinking of how moved/touched I was, this morning, reading her words. She was ME! In, reverse! I lacked, financially, and felt the same way as, SHE, who lacked not. Wow. Wow!

Just goes to show, beloveds, we truly ARE so very much more than what we have, what we do, what we give, what we know, what we don’t know. We are. Just are.

Ah.

Aha!

I’ll never forget these words. Hers. Mine. The words of those who have replied, lately. Yall have changed my life. You have. Yall have opened doors, within me, I had no idea were there! Yalls blogs have uplifted me. I so hope you will continue, beloveds, to be the blessing you are.

Be encouraged,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I’m vulerable, right now. I don’t know HOW, for the first time, to express how I FEEL. My words, to me now, feels inadequate. Truthfully, I NOW feel, inadequate. You see, the stranger, in my bed, is so amazing to me. I feel as though I will, let her down. Yet, she is ME. I’m afraid, beloveds, truly afraid, I shall fail her. I want to do right, by her. She has ALWAYS tried to do right, by me. Yet, I silenced her. I judged her, wrongly, for getting my heart into so much trouble. Loving a world who could give two hoots, about me.

Ah, I hope these words, are enough. These words, are ALL I have. Ah, am wanting/needing to know, I am more than my words, to you. To, God. To, Life. To, The Universe. To, my family. To, my friends. I want, no NEED to know, I am loved. For God so loved the world…

Unknown's avatar

Published by Cassandra S.

Published

Your thoughts matter! Let us know how you feel.