Category: Writing

Real talk: It’s STILL potatoes.

I wanted tater tots, today. Have not had any in years.

Rushed to the freezer and took out the package of tater tots I have been saving for a special occasion.

What was special about today? Absolutely nothing.

Tore into the bag, dump a bunch of frozen, delish looking tater tots into the pan,slap them into the cooler, set the timer and wait for halfway, so I could turn over them delish snacks and have some tasty, crispy tater tots!!

YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!

*foreboding, foreshadowing music could be heard coming closer and closer*

At halfway’s end, I rush to turn over the delish tater tots. Except, however, nevertheless, said tater tots did not feel like turning over.

We, argued.

Loudly.

Vehemently.

Indignantly.

Alas, it appears the tater tots had won. For, there they lay, in a triumphant heap, taunting me, daring me to affix them into the tasty, golden, cylindrical potatoes spears they ought be.

I tried.

Indignantly.

Vehemently.

Loudly.

Finally, bowing in defeat, I looked at those dammned, mashed up, non cylindrical potatoes. Partially golden, and had but one thought…

They are STILL potatoes!

Ha!

Armed, with truth and ketchup, I devoured the ugly sitting in one sitting.

Ah.

Tasty.

Moral of the story, this story, beloveds?

When life hands you mashed up tater tots, slather them puppies with ketchup and have at it.

It’s STILL potatoes, you see. Yea, I currently am typing these words whilst wearing tore up glasses. Yet, I write. STILL.

As for tomorrow, I shall make an appointment to get some new glasses. Til then, my belly is full.

How is yours?

still here,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

The girl with the taped up glasses.

My glasses finally went ahead and gave up the ghost, today. Broken in too many places for just one set of hands to hold and repair, at once.

Alas, I need a second set of hands, to help me tape up broken glasses long in need of replacement.

I feel like these glasses, today:

Broken.

Old.

In need, of a second set of hands to help repair what has been broken for a long time.

I have a need, needs, in fact, that I can no longer repair, on my own.

When I was young, I had to wear broken glasses, to school. Yea, you know how cruel kids can be…*sigh*.

Tonight, as I struggle to tape up these damned glasses, I feel like that young girl:

Embarrassed.

Alone.

I think of that young girl, and tell her not to get down on herself. I tell her that she is priceless, no matter the brokenness of her eyewear.

I tell her that she will be okay.

I look upon myself, through bleary, teary eyes and tell myself not to get down on myself. I tell myself that I am priceless, broken glasses notwithstanding.

I ask God and Life, for another set of hands. I wonder what Their answer might be.

I am more than these broken glasses.

I am more than…

I am more…

I am…

He is, which makes me hopeful.

broken but still priceless,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Grief is love saying goodbye.

Grief is just love saying goodbye.

Don’t fear her.

Let her have her say.

Grief is just life saying goodnight.

Don’t dismiss her.

Let her have her way.

Grief is just memories saying farewell.

Don’t refuse her.

Let her be on her way.

Ah, beloveds.😥

Grief is love saying goodbye.

Happy birthday, mom. I love you. I miss you.

Goodbye, my friend.

grieving yet not,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Not today, Thanos!

Some days, beloveds, you just have to declare a thing.

For those not into Marvel Movies, I shall have to take a moment to explain what I mean. In the meantime, what the hell the matter with yall?!!!😱…*gasp*.

Not to give out spoilers but Thanos was the mightiest, the baddest, the what the fresh hell is this villain in the entire universe.

Long story short, if he was able to gather 6 Infinity Stones, he would be able to snap his finger and get rid of half of all living people, creatures and things.

Longer story made shorter, Thanos got the stones, dammit, snapped his damned fingers, and POOF, mom and half the entire world was gone.

Okay, mom died in 2016 but she may well have been half the entire universe. She was my universe, anyway.

After Thanos, snapped his fingers, and caused half the world to disappear, with no warning, the other half was left reeling, wandering, wondering, wth, wtf, what in the fresh hell were the rest of all to DO WITH THE REST OF THEIR LIVES?!!😱😱

Which leads me to today, this writing, these words.

For 6 years, I have been fighting to find the other half:

Of, me.

Of, life.

Of, peace.

Of, laughter.

Of, what matters.

There are simply times, beloveds, when life, when the world has seemingly, cruelly, finally, irrevocably, snapped it’s fingers and wiped away half, if not all of what mattered to you the most.

There are many, many, many things I have been forced to learn, AFTER the snap. Things, I am still learning.

This may seem strange, but I no longer fear the snap, when it comes, still, from time to time, to snatch away something I held dear.

With each snap, I found:

My, voice.

My, resolve.

My, true feelings.

My, hidden feelings.

I also found the things that were holding me back:

My, fears.

My, pride.

My, stubborn perceptions.

My, I can do this all by myself cape.

My, walls.

Yea, beloveds, each loss became my gain. I was beginning to see, to meet, to fight for…me!

YYYAAAAAAAASSSS!

Not today, Thanos! You did NOT defeat me, today.

Spoiler alert, non Marvel Universe fans…smh…what is WRONG WITH YALL?!…*gasp*: The Avengers, that being Ironman, was able to get the stones back, was able to snap HIS fingers, and avenged the world, taking Thanos and his minions with him.

Morale of the story, beloveds?

When Thanos, when life, when circumstances, snaps its fingers and snatches half of your world…

Stand, fast.

Keep, fighting.

Keep, believing.

As, when the dust clears, what will be left is…YOU!

You shall recover. You shall make it. You shall be the better for having lived through, fought through, fought with Thanos and won.

In the interim, tell fear, tell despair, tell discouragement…

Not today!

Be encouraged.

beating some discouragement ass today,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

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Let them see your heart, beloved.

Let them see your heart, beloved.

On, hard days.

On, sad days.

On, days where you’ve messed up.

On, days where you feel a mess.

On, days where you ARE a mess.

Let them see your heart, beloved.

Don’t wait til:

The storm, has passed.

The bad, has ceased being bad.

The shame/guilt/anger/hurt/pain/insert word has subsided.

Don’t wait til you are:

Dressed, to the nines.

Feeling, fine.

Are now, polished and shined.

Let them see your heart, beloved.

ALL of it:

The, hurting part.

The, shameful part.

The, unwelcome part.

The, outrageous part.

The, loud part.

The, silent part.

The, grieving part.

The, raging part.

The, unacceptable part.

The, accepted part.

The, coward part.

The, awkward part.

The, socially unacceptable part.

The, uncomfortable part.

Let them see your heart, beloved.

Your heart IS worthy of the love of others. Let them in. Let them see you. Let them hear you. ALL of you.

For, you see, beloved, if all that YOU see, if all you will allow the world to see, is the ‘acceptable’ part(s), when will you EVER feel or be accepted, by anyone, including YOU, on days, in moments, at times when you don’t feel, when you may not be acting ‘acceptable’?

Your heart IS worthy, beloved. Simply because…you are.

Arise!

Let them see your heart, beloved.

See, mine.

here best as I can be today,

Jaybird ALWAYS

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Happy birthday, mom!🥰😘❤

The sound of my heart.

The sound of my heart is loud, today.

So much so that each second of each minute of each hour of each moment has gotten louder and louder so much so I could not sleep last night.

The sound of my heart grows louder, today.

Today is mom’s birthday.

So much so that all commas have fled all rational thought have left all hope for a quiet restful mom bday day have gone.

Today is mom’s birthday.

The sound of my heart has grown thunderous, today.

It shouts never ever for all time eternity shall you see mom’s smile or lay on her tummy which has your world commaless and upside down since her passing.

Today, is mom’s birthday.

The sound of my heart beats with four words, today.

Today, is mom’s birthday.

I don’t know what to do with the sound of my heart. She won’t be still. She won’t be silent. She shouts into the heavens and asks why she can not be with her mom there today.

Today…

Is…

Mom’s…

Birthday…

Rest in peace, mom. He has you now. He holds you now.

Mom, who shall hold me, now? Who, has me, now? Asking for a friend.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Having a cup of coffee with grief.

So, grief came calling, a bit ago. Seems she wanted to visit with me, about mom.

I welcomed grief in, briefly, for a cup of coffee.

We commiserated, grief and I. Grief let me speak of mom. We laughed at fond memories.

I cried, in grief’s arms, for just a bit. Long enough, you see, to lay the full weight, of my sadness, upon grief’s shoulder.

Tears shed, words said, I bid grief ado.

“I may yet, return, tomorrow” grief said.

“I know” I returned. “I’m going to be busy”.

Tomorrow is mom’s birthday. I plan on celebrating it with her…

Happy birthday, mom. Tomorrow…

Happy birthday, mom. Tomorrow…

Tomorrow is mom’s birthday…*sigh*

Have been a big girl, all week, for weeks. Being about it, encouraging folk, working hard, praying for all beloveds even though I have not blogged, outloud.

Weirdly, I have been blogging, in my heart. Sharing, yet not. Not wanting to intrude my sad mom feelings upon folks. Folks have their own lives, their own things to deal with.

I want to celebrate her life. I want to remember all the good times. I want to remember her smile. I want to remember that she really did believe in me. I want to remember all she meant to my life.

I have to work tomorrow. Fitting. Will have to work to pretend that all is well so folks can keep doing some them and I won’t have to feel embarrassed about no one having the energy or want to to have to do them some sad me. Embarrassing.

Happy birthday, mom. Tomorrow…

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: The death of dreams.

Last night, ALL night, fought with the night, fought early dawn, fought with the world over old dreams, long held desires, long held beliefs.

The fight was not even close.

I took a look at those old beliefs, of those old desires, that came from believing life-long beliefs that were bestowed onto my heart from mom fears, dad fears, world fears. All finds of fears, it seems, save my own.

As I fought, as I cried, as I wrestled with old lies, long held, I began to wonder if this, if these, were fights still needed, still NECESSARY.

You see, I found I have been fighting for these things for sooooooooooooooo long, muscle memory had taken over, long ago.

And, if truth be told, if I peered, deep into the darkness, I could see God, I could see Life, I could see Yikes, I could see Egads, I could see true friends, I could see true family, fighting FOR and WITH me. Fighting, to get me to see these things, these old beliefs, long held, no longer belonged with me.

It was time, you see, to let them go.

So, I, Cassandra, Jaybird, Sweetpea, could go and be free.

Finally, as morning snatched the last of my tears, from deep within, I…let go.

Just, let go.

I had no idea, at first, what I had let go of.

I only knew that something, something, SOMETHING, deep inside, had died.

I knew not whether to be glad, sad, or indifferent. Just knew something, those dreams, were gone.

I was not:

Mad.

Sad.

Afraid.

I was just….

JUST!

Ah, just.

I found my heart, wanting. I found my heart, getting angry. Thinking, mistakenly, that I would not see justice for the dreams that God, that Life, had allowed to die, within me.

For a moment, briefly, I was angry.

How DARE They take these dreams, from me.

Looking closer, however, I found these dreams, these wantings were no longer wanted. By me.

You see, ALL that I want, NOW, and for the rest of my days, is to love others, to let others KNOW, of a surety that they ARE loved.

That’s it.

I no longer, beloveds, dream of a posse to rescue me from loneliness, from life, from hard days.

Yea, I have learned that loneliness, that life, that hard days, well, they shall come. Yes, they DO come, for us all.

My hearts desires, now, is to part of the possee that rides, for others. To, others. Letting them know, of a surety that they are NOT alone.

In trying, not to be loud, I found my heart shouting louder than any words I could say. What does she say, beloveds?

My heart says:

God LOVES you.

God SEES you.

God CARES DEEPLY for you.

My heart says:

I LOVE you.

I SEE you.

I CARE VERY DEEPLY for you, beloveds.

I ask not, for your love, your care, in return.

I just….

I just….

I AM just.

Therefore, I give you my heart. Use it, as you choose. Love it, by your choice. Not, by strings. Not, by expectations. Not, to return a favor.

As you so choose.

I choose, beloveds, to love you.

No matter what.

No matter how.

No matter why.

Just…

Cuz….

loving you just cuz,

Jaybird

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Saying the hard part out loud: I told my dreams to kick rocks, today.

I told my dreams to kick rocks, today.

They are just too damned:

Expensive.

Heavy.

Ridiculous.

Give them to someone else, Father.

I shall do as the rest and work til work works no more.

I shall listen, finally, and stop being so damned loud…