Category: Writing

Hardknocks: When Hard, knocks.

I like watching cooking shows. Hardly a surprise. I love me some food. Think it stems from watching mom, puttering away in the kitchen preparing this meal or that. We had many a laugh and conversation in the midst of chicken frying, bacon sizzling, cake rising deliciously in the oven.

Ah!…..*hugs self*….miss you, mom. Hey, Britta’s mum!….*waves*….

Anywho, I love those shows. I marvel at how NEAT the kitchens are! How in fresh hell, do they ALWAYS manage to keep the blasted kitchen so clean??!!…*gasp*. My kitchen, during, and especially right after, a chili making session ALWAYS looks like a crime scene. A catastrophe. A what in the fresh hell is this type of situation. Yes, I try and do as mom always taught us to clean up while cooking so as not to have to do so after.

Don’t ask me how the world chili ends up every which a way. And, how on earth, do they cut/slice things so nicely!…*gasp*. ALL my slicings end up looking like a Jackson Pollock fiasco.

Life, right now, looks and feels like a Jackson Pollock fiasco. One minute, relatively smooth sailing. Next minute…POW!! Life landed a haymaker, right to the kisser. Out like a light, I went. Came to, wondering what in the fresh hell, looked around and saw my world turned on it’s head, again.

AGAIN!

Fresh hell!

Such a hard hit. Ow….*pout*.

I found myself, find myself, still, sitting with a life-size and life-full, of hard. Trying, to figure out, what to do with this hard. Trying, to figure out, what to do with ME, during this hard. Don’t know what to DO, with this much hard, so much hard, so quickly, with NO warning.

I think, I could have prepared, for this amount of hard. If, o, if, I had only had some warning.

Circumstances, situations, the world, folk often don’t/won’t/can’t give us fair warning when hardknocks. Or, rather when hard, knocks. It just shows up and shows out.

Hard.

Hard!

HARD!!

Blow after blow after blow after blow after blow after blow after blow after blow after blow after blow…

Hey! You see, when Hard, knocks, she won’t stop knocking, upside your head, until you wake up, acknowledge her, then start throwing some haymakers, of your own.

When Hard, knocks, she comes as a friend. She, Hard, comes bearing gifts. IF, and ONLY if, we receive her with:

Grace.

Tenacity.

Humor.

Resourcefulness.

Gratitude.

Gratitude!? Humor?! What the world is so funny, about Hard? HOW the world can one be grateful for Hard????!!!!

Surprisingly, I have found, in going through the hard, WITH Hard, found I COULD make it, I COULD take it. I found, well, me. A resilient, me. A humbled, me. A tough, me. A faithful, me. A joyful still, me. A grateful, me.

Grateful? Huh?! Where did THAT come from, I wondered. In all the fighting with, fighting through, embracing, facing, tasting, receiving the hard, and Hard, I was, have been, still am, scraping away at decades, layers, boundaries, barriers, carriers and all manner of things, feelings, stereotypes, labels, mindsets, regrets, upsets, and nonsense that had been standing in my way.\

Yes, it was hard. Yes, SHE was Hard. It was her job, though, to BE. Hard. For, me. FOR me. Hard, so I could begin to see, just a little, that I COULD do the hard thing, go through the hard thing, say the hard thing, BE the hard thing. I COULD, do all of those things, yet NOT turn hard/bitter/angry.

I COULD, and did, acknowledge that this was hard, that life could and was hard. I could do that and STILL have hope, joy, peace, love and ALL manner of life’s good things. Who knew all that was in there? Why, God and Life, of course. Why, They sometimes, quite often, all the time it feels like, go through the hard, WITH Hard. Only, way to find and cherish the hidden nuggets, diamonds and gems nestled deep inside/with the hard, with Hard.

Sadly, most never learn these lessons. Most, never find the nuggets. They are too busy arguing with, refusing to go with, being angry with the hard, with Hard.

Hardknocks ARE hard. They were never meant to be easy. They were never meant to be comfortable. They were meant to be hard. In order to:

Change, us.

Challenge, us.

Shape, us.

Remake, us.

Sustain, us.

Strengthen, us.

Stablish, us.

So, we, in turn, can help God and Life to shape, remake, sustain, strengthen and stablish others.

When Hard, knocks, let her in. She will change your life. She changed mine.

Thank you, Hard, for being a friend.

doing the hard with Hard,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

10 reasons why I love my wombie.

1: She puts up with my dunbsky grieving tail.

2-10: see reason number 1.

*shrug*

‘Nuff Said.

Cassandra

Note: Be kind, beloveds. Even when the folk in your life act ten kinds of fools. You will be next to act ten kinds of fools. Trusta sista. Your turn WILL/IS coming. So, on the front end, be kind to us dummies/morons/bafoons as some of us make our way through the unmakeable way. Please and Thanks. Rinse. Repeat. Fresh hell…

I quit!

I quit!

I’m done!

I’m finished!

I refuse to!

I will NOT!

Ever!

Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kick rocks!!!!

*Cassandra puts the lid on the trash can and says good riddance to ALL that would defeat, discourage or dismiss her*

Fooled ya, didn’t I, beloveds?

Hehe.

Yall should know, by now, my TRY be too bad of a mama jamma to give up on me, on life. Yea, life has been steadily kicking my hind end. Yet, I am here, still.

HA!

Quit?

Me?

Never.

I fight on.

Do you?

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Have another cup: Fresh hell!

Fresh hell!

A friend asked me today how I was. Wrong day to ask. Told her I was a basket of fucked up still. I detest swearing but I swear, dammit, ALL I want to do is to cuss out the world since my girl was laid to rest on Saturday. Her rest has started. Mine, done gone and went resting with her.

I have also developed a case of say ALL the wrong damn things, forget what the hell you were doing, screw up more than you fix and have to keep redoing things over and over itis.

Fresh hell!

So, with all that going on, I figure God and Life would cut a sista some slack and let her be pissed, at the world, for a bit and have time to grieve already. Dammit. Of course, They decided to knock upon my heart and ask me to prepare to care for someone They were about to send my way.

Fresh hell!

Hell no, I wanted to yell. HOW can They possibly expect me to scrape up encouraging words, wonderfully motivating sayings when all I want to say is Fresh hell?

Fresh hell!!

Yet, the second I was fixing to fix my mouth to say all kinds of hell no’s, kick rocks and take ALL that/them with you, found my want to still wanted to. Found, my TRY, still wanting to TRY.

Fresh hell!

The more I got to thinking on possibly being able to encourage this person, my heart melted.

Traitor!

Fresh hell!

I found myself having another cup of coffee, literally, turning on my music, blasting my music(sorry neighbors). and preparing my heart to at least TRY. I dug through some more grief and who gives a damn and found a bit of….*shrug*…no idea what these feelings are. Am doing my best to not live all up in my feelings, right now, as feelings tend to act ten kinds of fools and cause all kinds of foolishness, during tough times, if we allow them to roam freely and without telling them to take two seats, every now and again.

So, here I sit, ready, able, stable, determined. All I got, right now, is my TRY. My joy, my give a damn is still buried beneath a mountain of grief and who gives a damn. Thank goodness for TRY. TRY will save you through trying times, through hard times.

All this yakking has me thirsty. Think I shall have another cup.

How about you?

Keep going. No matter what is in your cup. You CAN. You WILL. Even if you have to fuss a bit, as you get through. You ARE getting through.

TRYing through these trying times,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

True story.

🤣

I survived the weekend. (Just barely)

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Too much in me: I told myself.

I’m done!

That’s what, I told myself. Secretly, where no one else could hear. Or see. Only one problem, though:

There is just too much TRY, in me.

Dammit!

It appears, I have been about being about, just a bit too long.

It appears, my keeping on has been keeping on, just a bit too long.

It appears, my Say, wants to have it’s say.

It appears, my Live, just wants to live.

It appears, my Love, just wants to Love.

Fresh hell!

I told myself, nobody gives two damns, anyway.

Myself, told me, I give two damns. Three, even.

I told myself, here you sit, here you wait, for dreams still yet unfulfilled. You have waited, appears to have wasted, years, decades, to see the unseen, to live out the unlived. Why wait, why waste another moment?

Myself, told me, having waited, a decade, two, yet three. What’s another moment, to give to them, to give to me?

There is just too much TRY, in me.

I told myself, here you are, arms outstretched, empty, unheeded, unneeded they have all these years have been. Why keep reaching, trying, fighting for a world who cares not for you or what you have done or shall ever do?

Myself, told me, be patient, keep trying, this life is not all about you, it’s about them, too, keep being about it, one day you may be needed, heeded, fought for, too.

Keep going. Keep trying. You ARE needed. There is too much TRY for you not to.

Fresh hell.

Dammit.

I will.

That’s what I just told myself.

Ah, there is just too much TRY, in me.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t allow yourself to talk you out of being about it. Life is simply too short. Best be being about it…

Digging through it.

Went to bed, with a mountain of grief and who gives a damn waiting for me.

Woke up, and the mountain of grief and who gives a damn was there. Wow, this thing is huge, I thought to myself.

I had no get up and go. Not sure where it had went. Probably was there, buried beneath the mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

I tried to sleep the mountain away. Yet, there it stood. Appeared not to be in any hurry to get anywhere.

I needed to get through my daily cup. I thought I saw it, buried too, beneath grief and who gives a damn.

With too much TRY in me not to try, I began digging through a mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

It took a while, half the day, truth be told. Yet, finally, FINALLY, I found a shiny object. My cup! I filled it with French Vanilla coffee and continued digging beneath that awfully awful intimidating mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

Hours later, I made another discovey: Music! Gingerly scraping away sadness and silence, I turned up the music and allowed it’s soothing tunes to clear away pebbles, stones, then boulders of grief and who gives a damn.

Digging further, I found a priceless treasure: My bible! I held it close. I wrapped myself, within it’s words and kept digging.

I dug, until my hands bled. Felt fitting, as my heart bled just as much. I dug, until I made my way to a nondescript door. I opened the door and found a truly awesome sight:

My heart, tucked gently within the heart of the two moms. With, God and Life, sitting there. Silently, watching over my heart, over me.

Content, I joined them. Am here with them, still.

Still.

Silent.

Silent and still, next to this mountain of grief and who gives a damn.

It’s okay. I shall keep digging through it…

Tomorrow.

As for today? Who gives a damn? I am grieving. Let me…

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

It’s just a little bit of the hard.

Too often, when things happen, we find it expedient to ascribe/assign meanings, messages and motives. No matter that we can be wrong. Doesn’t matter. ALL that matters, at the time, is slotting a meaning, a reason, into the happening.

Doesn’t really matter, to us, that life may simply being, well, life. We rush in, to the matter, demanding to know what’s the matter, trying to figure out this, to blame that. Til, shattered, we are done, with the matter.

Turns out, it was just a little bit of the hard. Not a lot. Just enough for life to let us know it was there.

Did the bottom, fall out of the thing, beloved? It’s okay. You were just getting a taste, just a little bit of the hard. Your journey was not halted, just altered. Sometimes, life alters things to get us to the alter, to get us to alter our manner of thinking, of doing, of seeing the matter.

Did the matter, turn into a disaster, beloved? No matter. Doesn’t matter, rather. You just got to see just a little bit of the hard. Hardness, sent to harden, your resolve. Harden not, your heart, to this little bit of hard.

Did you wake to a world that no longer makes sense, beloved? Nevertheless and however, your forever, your endeavors, your howevers are ALL covered, as are you, as you experience this little bit of the hard.

What appears to be the end, YOUR end, is just your making your way through this little bit of hard. Harden, not. Harbor, not, resentment, dissension or any of that lot.

Rather, gather your TRY and push through. Through, this little bit of the hard. Til you make your way. To the new, new you, new life, new light, new things, new way of thinking, new way of being.

Don’t be dismayed, discouraged or swayed, beloved. Think it not strange. You are just making yourself through this little bit of the hard.

Hard, at times, to understand. This true. Harder still, at times, to do. It’s okay. You just going through a little bit of the hard.

You have already done the hardest part, don’t you know? You tried. All that’s required of you. Don’t make the hard, harder, by trying to do more than you are able. Just do your TRY and your try will defeat the hard.

The next time, beloved, you want to throw up your hands, in defeat. Throw up your hands, in thanksgiving, in victory instead. Then, remind yourself…

It’s just a little bit of the hard.

Keep going, beloveds.

going/growing with you,

Jaybird

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Tell it no.

When, tough time comes for you…

Tell it no.

When, defeat wants all of you…

Tell it no.

When, hard days, hard times reaches for the best of you…

Tell it no.

When, rain wants to wash away all your efforts and seeds…

Tell it no.

When, lies come to visit and pretend to be a friend…

Tell it no.

When, anger wants to take over…

Tell it no.

When, darkness wants to descend and quash the light within…

Tell it no.

Can we?

Yes.

Will we?

Yes.

Must we?

Yes.

When, anything comes that asks you to give up on you, on your dreams, on your TRY, on God, on Life, on love, on your present, on your future…

Tell it no.

Hell no!!

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Defeat came for me, today.

Defeat, came for me, today. Thought it was slick, it did. Wrapped itself, within my grief, it did. Hid there, it did. Waited, it did. Patiently. For ANY sign I would listen to it.

Made my way, through Saturday’s tears, I did. Battled the night, I did. Watched the night take it’s hard earned spoils, I did.

Greeted, the dawn, I did. Huddled beneath mountains of disbelief and can you believe this shit, I did.

Stared at Defeat, did I. Considered it, did I. Life, would be, could be, so much easier if I would, if I could, if I did, just give in, already, and leave folk, leave myself, to hide beneath comfort and covers.

I could go back, to working myself to death. I could go back, to existing. I could go back, to just taking up space. I could go back…

Go, back?

Consider, Defeat?

Ha!

Apparently, Defeat, you have not heard of me. You had better ask somebody!

Kick rocks, Defeat. Go! You are not welcome here.

My heart, will mend.

I shall begin, again, again, and again.

When?

I know not.

This, one thing, I know:

I know nothing, these days. I understand very little, these days.

No matter.

Whatever.

My heart shall continue to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Will just take some time to catch my breath. Til then, I shall hide within covers and comfort. PBJ and tears have been my fare. No, life has not been fair and has taken it’s share. Those shares never belonged to me. Not really. Take what you will. Do as You Will. As You do, I will…

Defeat, c sswame for me, today. I was not there…

Cassandra