Category: Writing

Pssst…hey you?

Pssst…hey you? Yea, you…..shhh! Do NOT wake up Yikes! and Egads! Heck, I don’t want to be up, today. I ain’t for the ‘conquering the day mode’ and Yikes! and Egads! are running around, trying to find me.

So, I saw you, huddled in your own ‘I ain’t feeling this today but the world and this one and that one is expecting me to do better, be better, live harder, try harder mode and I ain’t feeling making coffee let alone doing any of THAT mode’ and figured I would hide out with you, for a spell.

These last two years have been hell, havent’ they? I have wanted to go to bed and wake up in 2026. I have wanted to eat much chocolate, do very little thinking. I have longed to be free of EVERYTHING, whilst not having to do NOTHING. I have wanted to find love, wanted to tell love to go kick some rocks, already(okay maybe not kick rocks but either come or leave me the hell alone, forever…*sigh*).

God and Life have been relentless, though. ALWAYS, always, always(!) encouraging me to keep going, to keep living, to keep on keeping on. To be honest, I have wanted to tell the BOTH to kick some rocks, already. Can’t very well tell GOD and LIFE to kick rocks, tho, right?…*sigh*….*Cassandra secretly wishes she could tell God and Life to kick rocks, today*.

It’s not so much that I am tired, you know? It’s just….it’s just….*sigh*. See what I mean!? Life at times just seems sooooo…..just…..unexplainable. And I am tired of trying to understand it already!!

GO KICK ROCKS TODAY, LIFE!….opppps….

We can’t, though, go on head and have Life kick rocks. What if, our dreams are answered, today? What if, love showed up for us, today? What if wishes, rainbows, unicorns, knights, queens, kings and all manner of royalty showed up to collect us, today?

Well crapola, with you making arguments like THAT, how the heck can we AFFORD to be up in our corner? I tell you what, I shall watch your back, and you watch mine, today, okay? That way, we can lean on one another. Let’s do this, you, yea YOU, let’s go find some others. They are out there. By, the many. Silently, in a corner, waiting to be:

Seen.

Heard.

Loved.

Cherished.

Respected.

Connected.

Ah, connnected. Folks are just needing to be CONNECTED, to something, to someone, some kind of way. Let’s go get some and let them know they already ARE connected, if they will only come from hiding.

The world waits for us, hiding folks wait for us. God and Life, wait for us. Yikes! and Egads! waits for us to scare the hell out of them while we are living loud, loving hard, laughing much, failing spectacularly, succeeding tinlily(is tinily even a word? Who cares. I am living so can make up any old word I feel like. Ha!).

Where was I? Oh, yea, living. Let’s get the coffee going, make the chili, do the thing, make the way, fight the fight, try the TRY, keep standing, and ALL the other uplifting, annoying, exhausting things I have the NERVE to foist upon you, upon me, on the daily. Don’t judge me, crapola rolls down hill and God and Life forever pestering me to do these things and I am simply passing on the savings…(insert shrug here as too blasted tired to shrug)…..*shrug*……

We got this. Okay, maybe not so much got this but we know who got us, right?

Stay, loud.

shouting with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

The Ocean: The Shadow of God.

I love the ocean. Always have. It calls to me. It’s just so BIG. AWESOME. ENDLESS. Reminds me, always, of God. Hishighness. I was talking to my wombie of my love of the ocean. Told her:

The ocean is just like God being a protector. Like a Father, hovered protectively nearby. He hides us, behind Him. We are protected, by His Shadow. Ah!…*delicious shiver*🥰

We are guarded, shielded, LOVED, behind, amidst God’s Shadow. How much more safer can we be?

GOD’S SHADOW?! Love this! Love this!!!

Now, whenever I view my ocean, I shall remember that I am under the shadow of The Most High.

How great is that?!

How loved are we?!!

loved by Him,

me🥰😎

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Happy birthday, wombie.

Happy birthday, wombie.

53.

53!!!

Yikes!

Egads!

Hey there, what are yall up to? I was just fixing to wish my twin, my wombie, my dear friend, a Happy Birthday. I shall tell her you both said hello. By the by, Yikes! and Egads!, thank you for being there for me. Thanks for allowing me to experience all manner of hell, high water, high jinx, anxt, aints, not yets, hell no’s and a myriad of other feelings, situations and stations with joy in my heart and laughter in my spirit.

Speaking of thanks, needs to get back to my wombie….

Hey, there, sis. I just wanted to send out a birthday wish, a wish, hope, dream, ask, of many, many, many that I have for you. I wanted to get it in, where I could fit it in. Early….*smile*.

I love you, sis. More than you can or will ever know.

We have:

Worked, each other’s last nerves. Soothed the other’s frayed nerves.

Kicked, each other to the curb.

Rescued, each other, from said curb.

Been there, done that, for one another.

Turned our backs on the one, in hurt, anger, fear.

Turned our backs towards the other, in love, forgiveness, hope, laughter.

We have given each much, taken lots more, still.

We have had:

Short, clipped conversations.

Long, meandering, wandering, wondering conversations.

We have:

Laughed, together.

Loved, together.

Talked, endlessly, incessantly, unapolegetically of our love for and by God. By God, we love us some Him, don’t we, sis?!…*delicious shiver*.

Together!

Notice the theme, sis, wombie? Together. Although, the miles part us. We shall NEVER be parted. Why, we began life, together, in the womb. Not many can say that. That they began the journey, called life, with the life of another, an other, born of one mother, for one another.

I love you, sis. I just wanted to take, but a moment, gathered from my life’s moments, to let you know that I SEE you, I LOVE you, and I CARE DEEPLY for your life. As does God and Life.

53 down, eh, with many more years, tears, hopes, fears, and jeers to come. Yet, we shall conquer them ALL, together.

Be well, my wombie. Stay, free. As will I.

your wombie/sis/friend,

Cassandra aka Sweetpea

#YourLifeMattersToMe! #MyWombie #MyFriend #WhatAWeekIAmHaving #PicardRocks #Yippppeeee #OkReallySis?! #LOL #ILoveMeSomeYou #WontHeDoIt?

Go straight to hell, fear: I CAN/WILL Be Loud!

Go straight to hell, fear: I CAN/WILL Be Loud!

Did you hear me, fear?!

Go!

Kick rocks, fear!

Straight to hell, fear, from whence you came!

I do NOT fear you, fear! Ha! I laugh at you fear, now. I tower over you, fear, now. I gleefully, joyfully, victoriously, shout you down, fear.

God and Life have always whispered to me “Fear not”. Yet, I feared. Yes, fear, I DID fear you. I am NOT afraid to admit this, now.

Why, you ask?

Because God and Life have set me free, of you, fear. Because God and Life helped ME, to set me free, of you.

So, go!

Kick rocks, fear! you are but just a thing, but just a tool that God and Life and me, hell yea, ME, have used to set me free….of you, fear!!

Ha!

HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Go, now, NOW, fear. Go on ‘head and kick them rocks.

I SHALL be loud.

DAMMIT, I AM LOUD!!!!!!!!!

I rejoice, now, in my supposed loudness. God and Life made me loud. I hold my head, high. I bow, not, to shame/embarrassment. If you see shame/embarrassment, world, it’s because you see YOUR OWN, not mine! Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my supposed ugliness. God and Life made me beautiful. I have a good heart, a tender soul, a ridiculous laugh. It’s YOUR LOSS, world, if you can’t see I got it going on like popcorn with a coke on the side! Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my baldness(lost ALL my hair stressing out over you, fear). Jesus gave me HIS Crown! Ha!!

I rejoice, now, in my fatness(more of me to love…*shrug*). Okay, so a bit too many slices of bacon lately…hehe….opps. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my aloneness. NOTHING separates me from the Love of God. I am NEVER alone. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my sorrows. What the hell do I have to be sorrowful about? I am loved, cherished, cared for, thought of, received by the CEO of The Universe and The King of Kings. God and Life are ever with me and I am loved by some fam and a few friends. Ha!!

I rejoice, now, in God’s and Life’s silences. God and Life speaks to me, to us, through so many ways they are hard to count! Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my supposed badness. I have and do, the best I can. If not good enough, well, I did my best. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in my uniqueness. I am a bad mama jamma. Can’t nobody do me like ME! Ha! There be only ONE, me, homie/homettes! Ha!!

I rejoice, now, in my being a woman. ‘Nuff said! Ha!!

I rejoice, now, in being a sista, in being an African-American Queen. Chi;d, please. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in being a child of God, a Precious Daughter of The Most High. Yea, baby, I be loved by God. How the world can I NOT rejoice?! Ha!!

I rejoice, now, in being the daughter of Aniece, the granddaughter of Nancy and Jimmie, the daughter of Eddie, the sister of beloved siblings.

I rejoice, now, in my beginnings. I ain’t done, yet. Not be a long shot. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in a future that may never be. Child, sho nuff, please. Ha!

I rejoice, now, in a past that can, never again, hold me! Ha!

Go straight to hell, fear. I CAN/WILL Be Loud!

I CAN be loud.

I WILL be loud.

I shout you down, fear. Did you hear me, fear?! Yea, I know you hear me, fear. For, I KNOW, now, fear. Yea, baby, I KNOW, fear. I KNOW of YOUR ultimate fear, fear. YOU, fear, yea, you, fear, has ALWAYS feared ME!

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

For, fear, you KNEW, soon as I SAW me, as God and Life created me, made me, intended me to be, helped me to be that it would be OVER, so over for you, fear!

I pursue YOU, now, fear. Ah, now, don’t be afraid, fear. Don’t you worry, fear. I AM coming, for you. Don’t fret, fear. I SHALL, WILL, and forever DO stomp you down, fear, back down into the ground, back to hell, from whence you came.

I pursue you, fear, relentlessly, aggressively, honestly, fiercelessly, ceaselessly. Rinse/repeat. I vanquish you, fear. I vanquish you, from ALL that concerns me.

Do you hear me coming, fear? Ah, good! Not only am I coming for mine’s, fear. I am coming to get others. This loud, black, ugly, fat, broke, busted and disgusted WOMAN, fixin’ to tear down EVERY stronghold, fear, you have ever thought about, raged about, contended about, pretended about. For, me. For, others. I come for you, fear.

I am FREE, from you, fear. Fear by The Love of God, by the care of Life, by the blood of Jesus, by The Cross, by my TRY, by my standing, by my living, by my loving, by my forever shouting into the void in pursuit of my hopes/dreams, by the love and care of ALL those who have loved me whom I was afraid to love and receive because of you, fear.

I am FREE, from you, fear. Free to:

SAY!

LIVE!

LOVE!!

Go on ‘head, fear. Kick some rocks, already!

Go straight to hell, fear. I CAN/WILL Be Loud!

I go now, fear. I go, into the world you THINK you own. you own it not, fear. And, yea, didja notice I did not capitalize your sentence? Yea, fear, you get no capital letters. CAPS are meant for the first, for important things, for named things. The ONLY name for thee, fear, is one I can not mention around polite company.

Goodbye, fear. You shall see this face, no more, now. And, yet, if I should see your face, fear, I shall go on head and do the damned thing, anyway! I shall STILL win! I will defeat you, fear. EVERY time you call for me. I shall beat your tail, fear, every time you come for me. COME! I ain’t scurt!!

I, rise, yet again, from you, fear.

I, rise, as MORE than a conqueror, fear. As the bible says, fear, 2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I HAVE, present tense:

Power.

Love.

A sound mind.

Leave now, fear. I am bored, now, with thee. Go, from amongst me. Tell your pals, fear, that I am coming for them, as well. Not only in my life, but in the lives of as many beloveds, others, folk, peeps, I can help God and Life conquer. Yea, tell discouragement, despair, hopelessness, divisiveness, and ALL the ‘lesses that make folk feel ‘less than’, ‘not enough’ about. Am coming for them all. Firstly, though, fear, I have come, for you.

Go straight to hell, fear. I CAN/WILL Be Loud!

*Cassandra exits, stage left, to continue her awesome present, looking FORWARD, to her astonishingly brilliant future. Hopeful, joyful she goes*…

Beloveds, there are just times where you, well, you just have to declare to ALL, including yourself, ESPECIALLY yourself, who you are, WHOSE you are, where you stand, where you WON’T stand, how you live, THAT you WILL live. Outloud. Proudly. Unapolgetically.

Why? So, the world, fear and foolishness can KNOW, of a surety, that homie don’t play that. It’s time, beloveds. Time to take back, from fear, ALL that he has stolen, from you. From, those you love. From, those you are afraid to love. Because, of your fear(s).

Go, now, beloveds. Take, your life back. Take, your dreams back. Take, your hopes back. Take, YOU back. From, fear. From, ALL that has, is holding you back. Don’t waste another moment, beloveds. Go, now. Not a moment, hear me? Don’t spare one second, no, not even one, getting on yourself over being afraid, over what you have done, have failed to do, have been too afraid to do.

Get on up, beloveds. Time to go on head and make the chili(if you don’t understand the chili reference…smh…folks be actin’ all new and thangs. Read the post on do it already, or kick rocks or some such post I did the other day…*shrug*).

It’s time. Nigh past time, to get all loud up in places and spaces. Folks want you quiet as YOUR loudness reminds them of THEIR silence. Not, your own. Fear not. Speak up. Help folk to face their fear. Then, take that person and yall go kick some fear but together!

I go with you. God and Life goes with us all.

Let’s get loud!!

His and yours unapologettically,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

P.S. Beloveds, love you some you. If none go with you, if none stand with you, if none love you back. Go on head and keep on keeping on. Your day shall, is, ane ever will be. We got this.

Real talk: Enjoy now, right now!

It has been a GLORIOUS Sunday. Have enjoyed a good yak with my wombie, a good text yak with one of my sis, a FANTASTIC text yak, with a dear friend. 🥰

Was thinking of chili, well made, prepared, for the morrow. Daydreamed about how great it would taste. Pondered what drink, what side or sides, I would have with it.

In the midst of my pondering, my wondering, God and Life asked why I didn’t just enjoy some chili, now. Like, right now?

Yikes!, Egads! AND my tummy, ALL chimed in a hearty yyyaaaaaaaaaasssssss.

So, here I sit, bowl of chili, nice cup of coffee, double chocolate cookie, enjoying me some….now!🥰

Life is short, beloveds. Enjoy you some, now. Right, now!

SAY!

LIVE!

LOVE!

Go, now. Grow, now.

Unapologetically His and yours,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: Just do it, already!

The comforting, wonderful, AWESOME smell of chili is wafting through the apartment.

Last night, I wanted chili. Took ground beef, out of the freezer, to thaw. Didn’t wait, for inspiration. High tailed my lazy hide, drug it’s dragging tail, to the fridge, took out the ground beef and waited for it to thaw.

I, awoke. Remembered the ground beef and almost got up to put it in the fridge to “make later”. Told my lazy behind to get out the fry pan, the spices, the pot, and do the thing, already! STOP wasting time, waiting for inspiration and make the blasted chili!

Made the blasted chili, already…lol.🤷‍♀️🥰

Now, I lay here, in anticipation of a nice, hot bowl of chili. I could have done, as in time’s past, allowed laziness, or fatigue, or boredom, or just not wanting to dammit, and all the other things I used to keep me from, well, just doing the damned thing or things!

Having told fear to go head and kick rocks, in ALL areas, of my life, I now find myself:

Able.

Stable.

Capable.

Ready.

To:

Try, new things.

Revisit, old things.

Establish, new ways.

Say goodbye to, old ways.

Yea, I am satisfied. My heart, is at rest. My tummy, is anticipating the yummies, to come.

I, am proud of me. I did the thing, already.

I, win.

I, moved.

I, waited not for:

Inspiration.

For my want to, to want to.

I do not wait for:

Fear, to pass.

Discouragement, to subside.

Someone else, to move or go first.

I, go, now.

I, do, now.

I, BE, now.

What about you, beloveds? Whatcha waiting for??!

Just do it, already!

Make your ‘chili’, whatever your chili may be. Make it so you can, also, enjoy the sweet savors of your TRY.

TRY.

DO.

BE.

LIVE.

LOVE.

We only get ONE go around. Get going.

God and Life, go with you. I pray for you.

Be well and KNOW you ARE loved and are NOT alone.

Loving me some all of you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

I am identified with Christ.

I was just laying in bed. Marvelling at the freedom I feel after having said goodbye to mom.

Or rather, goodbye to EXPECTATION. I no longer beat the whip, toe the line, pull myself up by my bootstraps, trying to win.

I have ALREADY won. I won, the day Christ died, then rose, for MY sake.

ALL, now goes there.

ALL:

Sin.

Despair.

Failure.

Hope.

Hopelessness.

Loss.

Fear.

Doubt.

Anger.

Isolation.

ALL is laid there. At the foot of The Cross.

Arising, we receive:

Hope.

Joy.

Love.

Friendship.

Purpose.

Salvation.

Freedom.

Fellowship.

Peace.

Redemption.

A bit ago, it was on my heart to share som words, via text, with my sis. The words touched me so I wanted to share them with a few others. It was on me to share them with you, beloveds. Verbatim I said:

I am identified with Christ. My identity is no longer that of a hard worker. Yes I work hard. Yet I do so not to win recognition or affirmation or love. GOD loves me. GOD affirms me. GOD is there for me. Regardless of effort or outcome. I am loved. I AM loved. Therefore I can and DO love. Beginning with me. Extending to others. ALWAYS loving Him. If none go with me. If none be for me. God loves, protects, sees, is there for, cares for, shall never leave, me. My heart is full. Free from fear. Full of care. God is good to me. Just HAD to praise Him and praise His Name and all He has done.

‘Nuff said!

Be encouraged, as I am.

I love me some you. Love me back, wouldja please and thanks? 😎

His servant and your friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Real talk: What would you say?

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tJYpZKU81lc&feature=share

What would you say?

What would you say, who would you say it TO, if it/they would be your last words?

Who/whom, would you say the words to?

What would you say?

Knowing, upon completion’s end, your words, would be the last words this world would ever hear. Would you:

Allow, pride, to keep you silent?

Allow, fear, to keep you silent?

Allow, shame, to keep you silent?

Allow, anger, to keep you silent?

Allow, embarrassment, to keep you silent?

Allow, doubt, to keep you silent?

Allow, the world, to keep you silent?

Allow, others, to keep you silent?

Allow, YOU, to keep you silent?

What would you say?

Who/whom would you reach out to?

Who would you hold?

Who would you allow to hold you?

What would you say?

If pride, fear, shame, anger, embarrassment, doubt, the world, others, YOU, were out of the way, would you:

Say?

Live?

Love?

Time, is not promised. None of us know when the ‘last time’ will truly BE the last time, the last moment, the last opportunity to:

Say.

Live.

Love.

Beloveds, time grows short.

SAY!

LIVE!

LOVE!

I say to you:

I love you, beloveds. I pray for you, on the daily. I ask God and Life to bless your life, free you from ALL that holds you down, holds you back, keeps you from love, keeps you from loving. I ask God to give you as He has given me:

Dance parties, in your undies.

Chocolate chip muffins, with The King.

Limitless supplies of bacon and Popeyes chicken sandwiches.

Endless conversations about everything and nothing with God and Life.

Comfort for times of mourning.

Joy for EVERY morning.

The KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE, REVELATION of God’s Deep and Abiding Love for you.

Mostly, I ask that you know, of a surety that you ARE:

Seen.

Loved.

Cherished.

Valued.

Recieved.

Accepted.

Just as you are. Oh, that I could make these words, this blog, go viral so the world and EVERY soul within it could hear they are valued.

Say! Live! Love!

Don’t waste another moment.

I love me some you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Mom: Goodbye My Friend.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=YQdLnP5aJ8U&feature=share

Mom,

I hesitate to begin, as I know there will be an end, to this note. And in ending, I will have said goodbye. To you.

It’s time now, mom. Time for me to walk away:

From, your gravesite.

From, fear.

From, grief.

From feeling that I was not enough, would never BE enough, without you. Mom, I never ever felt as though I measured up. To, you. FOR, you. I blamed you, mom. In part for not being all I wanted to be.

I thought my efforts were not enough for you. I told myself that you were the one who put expectations and limits, upon my life. If I were to be honest, mom, wouldn’t I have to admit that I limited myself and assumed you agreed?

You never told me I couldn’t. Oftentimes, though, you were afraid for me so admonished me not to to too far out, in life. Because you desired my safety, you wanted me to stick close to shore.

Yet, I took your caution and made it my fear. I worked hard. I kept my head down. Never venturing to the outer edges of my daydreams.

Those daydreams have never left, mom. I still dream. I, long. Still.

To, do.

To, BE.

To, make you proud. Of:

Me.

My, efforts.

My, life.

You were my anchor, mom. You always have been. Everything, I have ever done was, in part, to make you proud. I thought you expected the best, from me. I expected the best, for myself. I have done my best, mom, to try to BE my best. At all times. At ALL times.

It has been exhausting! It is exhausting, still. Trying to live up to, or down to, or dispute EXPECTATION.

Expectation.

From:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

After a while, mom, you forget whose EXPECTATION you were trying to manage. And, ALL you have seemed to manage was disappointing everyone:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

I feel like I was a forever disappointment, mom.

To:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

I think that’s why I took your death so hard, mom. I had no more time. Time to make it, me, up to you, mom.

I HAD NO MORE TIME!

The day you were buried, mom, I turned my back. I walked away.

On:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

EXPECTATION became too much. It was too much!!

I ran away, mom. I ran.

From:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

I hid, mom. Hid behind my:

Job.

Ministry.

Laughter.

Smiles.

I gave up, mom. Slowly. Only, no one knew. But, me. And, God. And, Life. And, you. I put down, my pen, which was my sword, my shield, my friend, my hope, my deliverer, my comforter. I put down, the words, clamoring, to be free. I locked them away, mom. Afraid. Of, what they would SAY to me. I didn’t want to hear from them! What could they say?! You were gone. What was the use of them? After you left, mom, words became just that…words.

I walked away, mom, the day you died. Christmas morning. CHRISTMAS MORNING! You couldn’t have waited until AFTER Christmas to leave us, mom?! Dammit. Damn you…*sigh*.

Am no longer angry, mom, that God stole you away, on Christmas morning. How could I be mad? The gift Jesus desired the most, mom, was the chance to be with you, in person, on HIS Birthday. How could I begrudge Him that? I don’t blame Him. Not anymore.

I’m no longer angry, mom. I used to be. Soooooooooooooo angry. Blamed everyone, everything, for your passing. Blamed everyone, everything, for being stuck. In EXPECTATION. Trying to live up to, down to, fight against EXPECTATION.

Blamed the world. Wanted to tell the world to go fuck itself. The world, in turn just shrugged, dismissed me with a ‘Go fuck yourself’ and left me to my giving up, being angry, living up to, down to, disputing, fighting EXPECTATION.

God and Life, mom, wasn’t trying to hear it, wasn’t having it. They, were Relentless. They REFUSED, absolutely to give up on me. They, REFUSED, to allow me to give up, on me.

It took two full years, mom, of fighting with THEM, fighting with me, fighting with EXPECTATION, before I finally ALLOWED God and Life, to help me heal, to help me grow.

Yet, mom, it was IN and THROUGH, all the fighting, straining, striving, trying, losing, learning, crying, giving up, giving in, losing hope, gaining hope, losing perspective, gaining perspective, living afraid, learning to live, WITHOUT fear, that I was able to face and defeat:

Fear.

Fear!

FEAR!

You see, mom, God and Life, was there, when I FINALLY admitted the truth. The truth that many, many, many others are afraid to, or refuse to admit:

EVERY relationship, I ever had, basically, was built on fear. Fear that I, me, myself, built them on. The fear, I would not be seen. The fear, I would not be loved. The fear, I would never be enough, could never be enough, on my own, for this person, that situation, the other thing.

Fear.

Fear!

FEAR!!

I am thankful, mom. Grateful, mom, for the Relentless Love and Pursuit, of God and Life. Towards and FOR me. They helped me see, mom. Helped me KNOW, mom. Helped me experience, mom. Love! They gave me Love.

Love, without:

Conditions.

Stipulations.

Merit.

Strings.

Striving.

Work.

Earning.

They, cared not what I did, who I loved, why I loved, when I loved. ALL They gave me, was love. Their Love. Unconditionally. Unapologetically. They saw me, mom. Saw, ME. Got, me. At my worst. They loved me, still. They love me, STILL!

They Loved me and gave me the space, the time, to grow. So, I could get to this place. THIS place, mom. Where I can, finally, say goodbye. To, you. It has taken five long years, mom, to get to this place. Yet, I made it.

I stand here, unafraid, unapologetic, loved, loving, loving you, mom. Still. Always. I love you, mom. I thank you. For the life, you gave me. I thank you, mom, for the woman you have helped me to become. BECAUSE of you, I have found the strength to do what I must. Let you go. So, I can move forward. With you, still. Just in another way. You help God and Life, now, to guide my steps. I feel you near, mom. I think I see your smile.

Look at me, mom! I’m a big girl, now. Ready to face the world, ready to take on new challenges. Ready to….who am I kidding, mom? I am ready to do NONE of those things. I don’t know if I CAN do any of those things. Yet, because of you, I shall continue to try.

Be well, mom. Rest, in peace. I love you. I am ready to love, me. Fully, completely, honestly, apologetically. I have EXPECTATION, no more. I have released ALL from EXPECTATION:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

I can go now, mom. I can grow now, mom. Because of you.

I, do.

I, can.

I, will.

The tears I shed now, mom, are hopeful tears, happy tears, honest tears, free tears. Free, from fear. Free, from shame. Free, from guilt. Free, from pain. Free, from doubt. Free, from anger. Free, from expectation. For, I have done my best. I have given my best, mom, to:

You.

Me.

The world.

Family.

Friends.

Enemies.

Bosses.

Coworkers.

Preachers.

Ministers.

Society.

God.

Life.

I can live with that. I can LIVE.

I can grow now, mom. I can go now, mom. Because of you.

I, do.

I, can.

I, will.

I love you.

Goodbye, my friend.

Until I see your precious face again I remain steadfast, vigilant, free. I will see you, on the other side, mom.

your daughter,

Cassandra

Note: Beloveds, I pray for EVERY heart that has suffered a loss. Whether the loss be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a dream long held, the loss of a cherished job, the loss of a forever friendship, the loss of confidence, the loss of innocence, the loss hope, the loss of joy. Whatever the loss, beloved, know this:

God and Life are with you. You are NOT alone. There IS another side, beloveds. Another side, to grief. Another side, to despair. Another side, to hopelessness. Another side to ALL things that seem without light, without life. God and Life remain with you, through EVERY fear, through EVERY dark corner, through EVERY hard place. You CAN make it, beloveds, to the other side. You WILL make it, beloveds. You are not alone. I wait for you, on the other side. I pray for you, as you fight to, fight through, live til you, get to the other side.

Keep going. I go with you. God and Life, goes with us all. How much safer/loved can we be?

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Alone.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i3XGSPAMNRc&feature=share

Mom,

I miss you. I have never felt more alone. I need you. Need to hear your “Everything will be okay”.

My birthday is a bit over two weeks away. Someone asked me what I wanted.

ALL I want for my birthday is another day with you.

I’ve tried, mom. Tried to be a big girl. Have tried to be a good girl. Feel like I have failed at those things, lately, mom.

I look at my life, at my pile and it seems so small. So small. How could FIFTY years have produced so little, it seems to me.

I’m embarrassed, mom. Thought I would have more to show you. More to show God and Life, with my life, by now.

I’m running out of time, mom. What do I do? Who do I go to, now? I used to go home and lay on your round, warm tummy. My grown self, smashing myself beside you.

Mom, I’m so afraid to say, outloud, that I think the best of me was laid to rest, the day we laid you to rest.

This shell, left behind, called me, is an imposter. How can she not be? Her confidence went down, in the earth, as you went.

I shout, into the void, into the breach, in part, calling to her. Where has she gone, mom? Does she remain, still, next to an empty grave that no longer contains you?

You said I would make it, mom. You told me to just keep trying. Just try. What if I don’t make it, mom?

I have never felt so alone, mom. You told me don’t worry about how I feel. You said everything WILL be alright.

I don’t know that I ever will. I’ll try, mom.

Tell dad I said hi. Tell Dad I have never felt so alone. Tell Him, His Beloved Daughter doesn’t feel quite so beloved and could use His Deep and Abiding Love about now.

Continue to rest in peace, mom. I love you.

your youngest girl,

Me😥

Footnote: Beloveds, we are NOT alone. No matter what it feels like. No matter what it looks like. I have carried my tears, have carried the tears of ALL who suffer. I have carried them, to Heaven. I have asked God, have asked Life, to be there for ALL who mourn, for all who grieve, for all who have lost, for all who feel they have lost, for all who feel they have failed at this, at that.

It’s okay, to cry. It’s okay, to not feel okay, to not BE okay, until we get to be okay, once again.

God and Life loves us in ALL our ages, stages and manner we may find ourselves in. At the top of the mountain, in victory, God and Life, are with us. At the bottom, of the mountain, in a demoralized heap, God and Life, are with us. They love us, still. And, always.

NOTHING shall separate us from the love of God, of Life. Hang in there, beloveds. We CAN. We WILL. Keep on shouting into the void. You SHALL find you. She/he/they are in there, STILL. Don’t give up, ever.

We are not done. Not yet. So long as we have breath, we can and will.

I love me some you. Love me some me. Even this broken me. ESPECIALLY this broken me. She be a bad mama jamma.

#YourLifeMattersToMe