Month: May 2023

No longer willing to be the elephant 🐘 in the room.

No longer am I willing to be the elephant in the room.

Those, who have been there and are there, know exactly what I mean.

As for the rest, I am no longer allowing myself to be fed 🥜 peanuts in order to protect those who should have protected me.

I remained silent, to protect them.

I remained silent, to protect him.

I remained silent, to my detriment.

I remain silent, no more.

Silently, I have been cutting up this elephant alone. I told myself what is the use, after all these years, to share that which fundamentally changed my life.

Yet, those things did NOT fundamentally change ME. THOSE things happened. To me. Never should have. THOSE things happened. I overcame them. With, God. With, Life. With, me. With, one of my sisters. With, a second sister. With, one trusted friend, a tiny bit.

What were those things, beloveds? Those that know, knows. That is enough, for now.

Now, I say to you:

Life is short. It is time, beloveds, for you to share the elephant you have cutting up, alone. You are not alone. Oftentimes, there is a sacrificial lamb, in the family, who is silently chosen to bear the brunt of family ugliness. Excuses are made about this one or that one in order for the rest of the family to walk amongst the elephants of violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental illness, over-eating, verbal abuse and all manner of things that have remained hidden everywhere.

Churches, allow these elephants to roam, freely. Friends, allow these elephants to roam, silently. Society, allow these elephants to roam, trying to cover them in diamonds, 💍 jewelry and fancy houses.

It is enough!

I am no longer willing to be an elephant in the room.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It is enough. 😥❤️❤️‍🩹🙏

Mother’s Day is coming.

Mother’s Day is coming.

Which means SHE is also coming.

The me, I turn into, as Mother’s Day draws nigh.

I become a stranger, during these times.

Bemused, I gaze upon this stranger, quietly, breathlessly, tiredly waiting to see what I shall say. Wondering, what I will DO.

I no longer run from this me.

I embrace her, now.

I respect her now.

I love her, now.

I listen to her, now.

I HEAR her, now.

Now, she is teaching me to:

Hear.

Listen.

Love.

Live.

Respect.

Embrace.

Mother’s Day is coming.

Which means she is coming.

I think I shall get her room ready.

I look forward to Mother’s Day, this year.

I look forward to meeting more of me, this year.

waiting for her,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Relentless: In pursuit of me.

Relentless.

He is relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Father.

Relent!

The Father, relents not.

Relentless.

It is Relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Life.

Life, relents not.

Relentless.

It is relentless.

Leave me be, right now, Love.

Love, relents not.

For, I am needed.

For, someone is hungry.

Someone else is tired.

So many others are on the verge of giving up.

Say, God says.

Live, Life says.

Love, Love says.

I will.

Relentlessly.

Starting with me.

I shall be relentless.

I am.

relentless,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Never alone: Going in search of me.

I have been looking for something.

I have been waiting for someone.

For months.

For years.

For decades.

Forever, it seems.

I have been looking for it.

I have been waiting for someone.

All my life.

For the whole of my life.

I have asked God if HE knew what I was waiting for.

God knew.

I have asked Life if IT knew who I was waiting for.

Life knew.

Repeatedly, I have asked God to show me what I have been looking for.

Relentlessly, God has used His Right to remain silent.

Relentlessly, I have asked Life to shoe me who I have been looking for.

Repeatedly, Life has used It’s Right to remain silent.

BOTH God and Life remain silent, still.

Still.

Still!

STILL!

So very still, in silence, still, God and Life remain:

Relentless.

Resolute.

Still.

Present.

I, too, remain.

I, too, remain, still.

STILL!

Still, I wait, for it.

I wait, still, for them to come.

Beloveds, do YOU know, of what I have been waiting for?

Beloveds, can YOU tell me, who I have been waiting for?

God and Life knows but neither is telling. How telling.

Ah.

Aha!

waiting still while still waiting,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Stay in the present: Tomorrow’s lemons

I was tired.

Just the THOUGHT of another Monday coming, made me tired. I thought of how things would probably be the same rinse/repeat cycle of fighting for, praying for, waiting for, struggling with a writing dream that just won’t get here already!

Dammit.

DAMMIT!!!

I soooooooooooooooooo want to tell this dream to kick rocks, to take two seats and to leave me the hell alone because it is utter hell waiting for it to get here already!

Fresh hell.

What’s worse, God and Life are forever cheering me on and telling me to keep on keeping on and trying when the LAST thing I want to keep doing is to keep doing and trying and waiting and not knowing and figuring out that I don’t KNOW how dammint to figure this writing thing out!!!!!!!!

God: Write.

Me: Leave me alone already!!

God: Write.

Me: Why? Nobody gives two flying flips about MY words. I am the old, fat, ugly, don’t know what the fresh hell I am doing WOMAN, don’t You know?!

God: Write.

Me:…*stomping to the computer*.

I will.

Fresh hell.

writing to whomever gives a good hoot whilst waiting on the stupid lemons of life to show up at the blasted door to teach me whatever the hell they are supposed to teach me before my ridiculous dreams either comes true or laugh at me for being dumb enough to be waiting STILL,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Okay, so do you REALLY need for me to spell out the moral here? Keep making the blasted lemonade. Someone can enjoy a glass whilst you wait. Who knows? They may bring some snacks to enjoy with it!

Everybody needs a wombie: She carried my sad for me.

Wombie: How you doin’ sis?

Me: I’m okay.

Wombie: How are you DOING sis?

Me: I’m tired.

Wombie: I know.

Me: I’m tired. I’m exhausted at the thought of having to make lemonade, tomorrow, from the lemons of life being the same old, same old.

Wombie: I know. I love you, sis.

Me: I know. I just. I just….

*sigh*

I love my wombie. She’s my twin. Too bad, for her, she is stuck with me. For, life….*gasp*.

I enjoy our talks. Yet, I just couldn’t do the usual life is going to be okay sooner or later. I just was too tired to contemplate beating the dream door down again, come morning. I just could NOT bear the thought of yet another basket of unfulfilled dream lemons being dropped off by life so I can make another damned jug of it’s okay my time will come lemonade. Again! Fresh hell!!

So, I cut our conversation short:

Me: I’m sad.

Wombie: I know.

Me: I’m going to let you go.

Wombie: Okay. I love you.

She prayed.

She let me be.

She carried my sad, for me.

What’s more, she let me BE sad. She just let me be.

Ah.

Aha!

Yes, everybody needs a wombie. Get yalls own. She is MY wombie….lol….

Since wombie is carrying my sad, I figured I would offer to carry someone else’s sad.

Hang in there, beloveds. It IS okay to be sad. I shall carry your sad around in my pocket. I shall take your sad, with me, as I climb on The Father’s Lap and ask Him to heal our boo boos and give us a nice sticker and super cute bandaid. Keep on dreaming those dreams. Keep on making that damned lemonade until they come true. Til then, love someone. Beginning with you. You are so much more than any old unfulfilled dream.

getting there with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s important to not struggle alone. It’s imperative to understand that struggles come and go. The storm passes. The test ends. Keep building your foundation of faith, hope, joy, love, peace, try, perseverance, understanding, empathy, integrity, and all the other things that shall sustain the legacy called you. Be encouraged. You got this. God and Life has us all. How much more blessed can we be?

She heard my secret shame, er, sad.

I was trying to hid it, from her.

My secret. Rather, my secret shame.

What was I ashamed of, you ask?

Why of me, of course.

I was ashamed to find myself:

54.

Alone.

Childless.

Dream fulfilled-less.

Financially unstable. Still.

Dammit.

Fresh hell.

Secretly, I have been ashamed of the me that has spent the past 34 years, at least, reaching out, ashamed to be a voice that no one seems to want to hear. THAT voice, it seems, is just too damned loud. THAT voice, is just too damned excitable. THAT voice, is just too damned gung ho to be about being about it. THAT voice, loves Jesus way too much and way too loud and obvious.

THAT voice, is forever rushing in to be of help, to be of service, to be of some semblance of a decent human being trying to take care of and support human beings who just appear to not give too damns anymore.

So, I have been hiding from HER.

She seems ME.

She KNOWS me.

Who is she?

If you have read any of my pieces you will have already gathered she is me.

SHE is me.

She IS me.

She is ME.

Dammit, SHE IS ME!

What’s more, she refuses to give up, on me.

Leave me be, I shout at her!

Let me alone, dammit.

Don’t you KNOW this world does NOT give two damns about you??!

I know, she replies.

She reminds me that the world just does not know how to love itself. The world is afraid to be. This is why the world dismisses me, she says.

She tells me to keep on loving people. She says that hurt people hurt people and are just doing the best they can.

I want to argue with her. I know, though, she is right.

God and Life, are on HER side.

TRAITORS!

They all laugh at me, encouraging me to keep going.

Ah, love, They say to me, keep going. Keep on being…YOU.

Fresh hell.

Dammit.

Okay.

I will.

*Turning, from the mirror, Cassandra goes in search of something priceless…herself.

here still(just barely)

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I honestly don’t know what to write. How can I encourage you when I am finding it hard, this morning, to encourage myself? I love writing. I don’t know why. I just do. The more the days pass, the less I want leave these words and return to my job….*sigh*. Writing is and has never been a hobby or habit, for me. Writing, encouraging, thinking about folks, caring, is who I am. I am finding doing anything else….*sigh*.

I guess, beloveds, I would say to you to keep moving forward. I AM writing. I AM encouraging folk, I AM living my dream of writing and drinking endless cups of coffee. I just don’t have the ocean, outside. I just don’t have the financial wherewithal to be able to do t his writing thing, for a living. It’s the endless struggle of writers everywhere. The very small few are able to do this for a living. The rest of us fith with the daily need to learn a living yet feed the writing best inside.

Keep on keeping on, beloveds. DO the thing you love. Even when it hurts because you don’t have the time to do it all the time. Do it in the window you have. God and Life KNOWS where you are. Perhaps, you are there to be a source of support and care, for others. I know. I know. YOUR needs are important, too. Yet, maybe, beloveds, God and Life knows They can trust you with someone else’s dreams as you help Them to help someone achieve their goals? Maybe, your life is where it is in order for you to help others to keep on keeping on when the LAST thing they want to do is to keep on keeping on. Being able to do THAT is worth it’s weight in goald.

So, I wait. I cry. I sigh. I sing. I chair dance. I drink endless amounts of coffee. I cook. I clean. I work. I write. I pray. Rinse. Repeat. The main thing I do, though, is to take God and Life with me through ALL of it. These times, these terribly lonely, sad, frustrating, awesome times are sooooooooooooo very precious as I walk with God and Life, learning about me, about my fight, about my try, along the way.

Who knows if I shall ever hold an actualized dream, in my hands, in my arms, to hold, tightly, for fear it shall slip away?

God knows, but He ain’t telling.

In the meantime, I:

Write.

Work.

Say.

Live.

Love.

Life is short. Live, with intentions, beloveds. If someone knows the moral of this tale, lemme know, wouldja?

pondering but not wandering,

Cassandra

Stretched: Secret sad.

Have you ever had life sneak up on you and wop you upside the head, subtly, without your knowing you were knocked out?

I have been working, hard, trying to get my health back situated. I stopped eating potato chips. I re introduced veggies. I did this. I stopped doing that.

For a long time all was well. Until they weren’t. Found that grief and loss had found their way back into my heart. Dammit. I have been dealing with those dummies since mom passed away Christmas morning 2016.

Since then, I will be being about it, living life, doing me and then….record scratch, then one or the other will show up and show out. During those times I would find myself comfort eating. Dammit.

I have done much better at catching myself and rushing to The Father, climbing into His Lap and telling Him of all my grief and loss.

Yet, when we use a crutch, such as comfort eating, weight tends to pile up to help us take the weight off the grief and loss. Which, frustrating only adds more weight of sad and shame.

Which brings me to the point of this piece. Yea, yes, I have been stalling thinking and talking about this. Dammit.

I found myself unconsciously comfort eating a while back. I got some act right and kept it moving. But…*sigh*…

I ended up picking up a bit of weight. Before I knew it, my super cute panties appeared to have stretched, with me, leaving me with…..GRANNY PANTIES!!

*Horrified screams could be heard from every self-respecting woman who detests old, stretched out underwear!*

Now, I have to live with the consequences and put on my now not cute undies. Now, EVERY time I grab a pair, I am reminded of my weakness and giving in to my grief and loss.

What’s worse, I have been secretly punishing myself as I should have ‘known better’. I silently tell myself I should have kept being about it.

Stealthily, where only I could see, I began to judge my heart. I admonished myself and lectured myself that THIS was why my dreams have been in abeyance for decades.

I tore into my heart, playing prosecutor as I judged, juried and found myself wanting. Punishment, I vowed, would be to wear those damned panties as it was MY fault for having dammed myself to all the extra weight I would now have to start damned over and lose so I could get back healthy.

And no, beloveds, it is NOT fat-shaming to be confronted with the need to lose weight to help our organs take care of us.

The actual shame, the true shame, is the shame we carry. Which is why we have comfort eaten in the first place. The shame is ,we have been trained to keep our pain to ourselves. Leaving us to cope, badly, alone with grief, with loss, with those things which takes our breath and leave us gasping for air in a comma-less sentence.

God is good. He saw my secret sad. He saw ME. This is what He did:

God: Come.

Me: I can’t.

God: Come. Sit, with me. I miss your hugs.

Me: I CAN’T!

God: Why ever not, beloved?

Me: Because, I don’t FEEL beloved! Don’t you see? I didn’t rely on You. I did not stand, on Your Word, like You told me to. I chased grief and loss away with all those stupid Doritoes! See?

God: I see. Why is any of this important? Are you no longer My Daughter who is always precious in MY Sight?

Me: Well…hhm. Okay, it’s a bit hard to argue with You when You put it that way.

God: Come.

I will.

sad in secret no more,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life ain’t easy. We all find ourselves living with, dealing with the after affects of things we have done to sabotage our health, out wealth, and our dreams. We do this through our actions or lack there of. We do this through the people we allow into our lives who are not in them for our highest good.

We do this when we build our lives upon fear, anxiety and doubt. Yet, we can ALWAYS begin, again. And, again. Then, again. As many times and ways we need.

It is time, beloveds, for us to forgive ourselves for all we have done or failed to do. Enough! Lift up your head and go buy some new panties! I know I am going to.

Take your headache with you.

“I have a headache!”

“I feel AWFUL!”

“Man, I don’t feel well.”

“I wish I didn’t have this headache. I’m hungry and need to load the dishwasher. “

“Good grief, I wish my head didn’t hurt so much. I want to watch Wakanda Forever. If only my head didn’t hurt like this.”

“I wish I had energy to get out of bed and take something for this head.”

“I…!!”

Ow!

*Cassandra pouted at her, now pointing hand, that had just popped her upside the head and told her to STOP all that carrying on and to get on with carrying on already!*

*Cassandra got on with getting after it, taking her headache with her. Cassandra muttered about being sure to reach out to folks to be about being about it whether they felt like being about it or not.*

being about it headache and all,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going. Let NOTHING stop you from moving forward. Not even you. Especially, you. In times past, I would have allowed a headache to be an excuse not to do my this, my that, and my other thing. Now, I make the conscious decision to do the exact opposite of my old life habit suggestions and feedback.

Surprise, surprise, the headache settled down. The apartment is now filled with delicious-smelling grilled cheese. Lights are now dim and I am chair rocking to some FANTASTIC Angie and Debbie music. Ah!

Be encouraged. Keep going. Even when it hurts. Especially, when it hurts. Find a little joy somewhere in your hard. It’s there. So is all the other annoying emotions we often select. I choose joy and peace. Whatcha gonna choose, peeps?

Tell Him where it hurts.

Ow.

Oww!

Life has been hurting. Bad. I think it’s because Mother’s Day is sneaking up on me.

I tell myself I will be okay, this year. This year, I won’t miss mom as much as the year before.

Ha!

I miss her more.

Every day.

EVERY day!

Fresh hell.

Dammit, mom, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!

*stamps foot*

*smile*

I think I miss her so because the NBA Playoffs have started and Lebron James is playing against Stephen Curry. Mom, was a Kobe and Lebron man. As for me and mine, my basketball heart belongs, openly to Steph. Don’t tell mom but secretly I also root for Lebron and Kobe was sublime!

Mom and I, me and mom would call each other carrying on about them.

“Did you SEE what Steph did, mom!?”

“Girl, did you SEE what Lebron did!!?”

When games were on, I didn’t have to check the caller ID. Would just pick up the phone hollering…lol.

Since mom passed, Christmas morning, 2016, I have not been able to watch much. This year, I told myself I would try and enjoy the games, again. Mom would want me to.

Yesterday, Lebron and The Lakers took down Steph and The Warriors. I wanted to snatch the phone and get to hollering at and with her.

*sigh*

I did the next best thing. I crawled upon The Father’s Lap and told Him how very much I missed my mom. I asked Him how long it would be before my dreams came true? I asked if I would ever find some true homies that would call me, on the regular, just to see how I was. I talked to Him about concerns of growing older, alone. I let Him know I could use some Jesus with skin on.

I told Him where it hurts the most. Most folk put on airs with Him and only talk to Him about their triumphs. They are terrified to seek Him out when they are hurting or think they have messed up.

There is nothing more comforting then knowing we are loved no matter what. I pray more folks come to realize how short life is and that they will climb onto The Father’s Lap and give all their heartaches to Him.

No matter what!

Ah…*hugs self*

*Cassandra climbs down from The Father’s Lap then goes in search of her mom, who was probably shooting the breeze, pain-free with Jesus*

Hey, mom, guess what Lebron did last night!!🥰

taking the last shot and laughing at her mom,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Too often, folk are afraid. Afraid, to show their heart to others for fear they will be rejected. Too many, are terrified to be alone, for fear of what their heart may say to them. Too many times, folk are afraid to look up and reach for the arms of The Father, for fear He will look upon them with judgement, indifference or disdain.

Beloveds, you are beautiful. Lift up, your head. Look and SEE how much you ARE loved. You are. It’s okay. He understands. He knows where you hurt. He just wants to love you. ALL of you. Yes, He wants to help you grow and get some act right and rid you of all the folks and things that can and will hurt you.

Yet, He knows things takes time. Be good to you. Let go of those things and people that are not in your corner. If the folks, in your life, do not have the largest pom poms and loudest voices shouting for your victory…*shrug*…

Let them go, beloveds. Wish them well, then let them go. If a situation is not helping you to grow, let it go. You have done your best. If YOU have done things or have not done things that have kept you from getting where you have longed to go, let it go and begin again. You got this. God has us all.