Note: Am currently making chicken salad out of…*sigh*
Actually, I’m having a cup of coffee and watching the game with sis and mom.
I’m glad I reached out to my job and let them know I needed time to breathe. I have read all the advice and care here and acted.
I took off my cape. I asked for support. I made sure NOT to blow up my relationships as I work my way through this grief.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
Do NOT use grief or loss or anger or hard times or bills or circumstances to give you permission to be harmful to yourself or others. You don’t deserve that. The folk in your life don’t deserve that.
I am in my too annoyed to use commas phase. It’s my one luxury today. Apologies. My mad want to take away something because of what was taken from me. Fresh heckamiah.
Be encouraged. This, too, shall pass. See? I got some comma act right…hehe.
Keep on living. Keep on lifing WITH life. Make the most of things. Make the best of the rest of it.
We got to, beloveds. We got thangs to do.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Beloveds, I honestly don’t know what thangs I am supposed to be doing, just now. My body is fighting with me. My finances are cracking up. Sleep is constantly running from me.
Still, I fight on. Okay, I stagger on. Just barely. Holy Toledo, God. What in the fresh hoohah do I DO with me now? Asking for a friend.
This morning, I did all of these things. I said ow. I said “uncle”. I phoned a friend(my big bros). I reached out to work and let them know grief was louder than my try.
I’m on an LOA for 10 days. Long enough to get some sleep. ALL I have wanted to do, for the past few weeks, is to simply sleep for a few days. Just to catch my breath.
My heart told me to. My spirit told me to. My wallet said to forget about sleep and push through. My body overrode everything and everyone and stubbornly refused to take another step without rest.
I just stopped by to encourage someone to keep on reaching out. Don’t give up. Understand that hard can truly be hard and you are NOT a failure for being human.
I feel like a huge failure today. Sis would think I was being a big baby. She would have encouraged me to BE a big baby and rest. I don’t know how to without her. Crapola!
I just placed an order of grapes and cheese and going to spend the afternoon missing my twin and being okay with missing her.
We got this. Kinda. Sorta. I think…lol.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I appreciate all the care folk have shown these weeks. Doing my best to encourage and uplift best I can with a busted heart. Be encouraged. Joy IS coming for us. Until then, we are NOT alone in our darkness.
Stop tripping when life cuts up, trips the circuit breaker, and stops you from doing a stupid, being stupid, running with stupid, or life is appearing to be stupid.
Life is lifing. Simple as that.
Life is NOT trying to indict you. Life, at times, gets all up in your grill to indict your:
Lack of effort.
Lack of your keeping it 100 with you.
Lack of your being 100 with God.
Lack of keeping your act right acting right.
You allowing YOUR pride to keep you from healing a wound, restoring a relationship, acting in integrity.
You allowing YOUR anger to wreck a relationship, close a door meant to stay open, open a door you KNOW ought stay shut.
Beloveds, when God/Life/The Universe puts up a stop sigh/sign, it would behoove you to:
Stop.
Look.
Listen.
Drop and roll, if need be, to put out the fire. It doesn’t matter who started it. It doesn’t matter why it got started. It’s an emergency. Put out the fire!
You do NOT have time to lament what is burning down. You have ZERO time to be angry over the destruction. Put out the stupid fire! There will be time to assess, process and hopefully not regress.
I have learned, I am learning, I am relearning to make choices, to act, to DO, to stand and act on FAITH. Not fear. Not anger. Not unbelief.
Life is what we make. Life truly is NOT fair, more often than not. That’s okay. Let life do what life does. You keep on being and doing you.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is incredibly hard just now. Folks tell me to take things a day at a time. I find the minutes excruciating, just now. If someone can help me with that I’d appreciate it.
Be encouraged. I wish I had someone to tell that to me. I am doing my best to make something of these dark days. Morning sure is taking a long time to get here, God. Not sayin. Just sayin…..
The lights went out. Turns out it was a circuit breaker that had tripped. I turned the power back on. The flip of one tiny switch.
I wish life could be that simple. It’s not. I wish I could hide from life right now. I can’t.
Right now, I’m afraid. My blood pressure is through the roof. ALL I see is a lifetime, of emptiness, without my twin. I want to scream. I keep getting well-meaning advice.
I keep being told to keep trying, keep working, keep on keeping on.
I’M TRYING TO DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I try. Every damned minute of every damned day since my twin died. I keep wanting to scream:
“She DIED yall!”
She is NOT coming back. All this talk of moving forward and moving on is too damned fast. For me, anyway.
I just stopped ’round, truly, to talk to someone who is going through a tough patch. Be encouraged. It’s okay to NOT be okay until you are okay. Then, you may backslide and find yourself a heaping helping of WTH. That’s okay. It has to be.
I have been working on a beautifully inspirational piece about God knowing sis would not make it to 2026 and would help me find my way there. To hell with all that right now, God! What in the actual heckamiah?
I’m too tired to be mad. I can’t be mad at sis. She was ready to kick it with Jesus. I don’t blame her. Fresh hell, sis. How in all that is holy, didja leave me at THIS time? Could you have, at the very least, spent a last Christmas with me? Lingered and celebrated New Year’s? Stayed around and got me til Spring…crapola.
Don’t trip, beloveds. Reach up and flip the circuit breaker. It’s what that box is for. Neatly labeled. Ready. Just waiting for life, er, the lights, to trip and go off. Don’t sweat it. Turn the lights back on.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. We can. We have to. Some kind of way. Life goes on, doesn’t it?
I choose that which grows my spirit and uplifts others.
What do YOU choose, beloveds? There ARE no victims here. Life is what we make of it out of the many, many, many choices we choose to make, to ignore, to digress, to abdicate.
We choose or others will choose for us. If you allow that to happen, beloveds, don’t get mad at them for using you, devaluing you, dismissing you, discouraging you. You allowed it.🤷🏿♀️😁🤔
Woulda told myself success not meant for my old/broke/black/woman self.
The old me.
Would have looked at the mountain, looked at my inadequacy, and high tailed it outta there. Secretly, so no one, but God, would see.
The old me.
Would have found a “good” reason to not bet on me.
The old me.
Would have continued to hide from life.
The old me.
Would have quit long time ‘go.
The new me, the standing on BUSINESS me, the standing on FAITH me, the me that KNOWS she is loved by God, gently tells the old me to shut up, take two seats, get out her feels, keep on moving FORWARD, keep on looking UP, keep on trusting God, seize these moments, take joy/laughter/love, and rinse and repeat and I keep on being about being about it.
Don’t allow the old you, to keep the new you from a wonderful present AND future.
We got this. Let’s go!!
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: If you KNEW how hard today was, beloveds, you would understand that you really CAN do more than you give yourself credit for!
*Cassandra turned from the mirror and walked FORWARD, towards a fantastic future…*
I was minding my own business, beloveds, when a panic attack visited. It was a doozy!
It started with a dozen fish flopping crazily, where my heart used to be.
Huh?
What the what?!
Initially, I panicked. Then, I thought I was internally stressing about the coming work day.
I wasn’t. I was reliving the past:
The tornado.
Losing my job.
Losing my savings.
Losing twin.
Okay, okay! I will keep it 100. That last one was the one that had me spooked. I told God I wasn’t ready to die. I have thangs to do.
So, there I was, a million flopping fish, where my heart shoulda been, wondering what I would DO with ME now?
The old me would have kept things to myself. I would have tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
The new me was not about to be stupid! I picked up the phone and talked to my sis. She breathed with me.
Then, I got up. I meal prepped. I washed dishes. I turned on a motivational video. I prayed over my life. I recited all my gratefuls and what I was looking forward to. I kept it moving.
Then is NOT now, beloveds. The happeneds have happened. Acknowledge. Accept. Deal with things. Keep it moving. Simple as that.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Keep going. We can do this. I think. Until we do, lean on Him. He got this. He got us. Whether we feel it, believe it or not. I love you. So does He.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 