Month: October 2023

Don’t let the past of others, dictate your present.

The more I live, beloveds, the more I am seeing how I have allowed the paths/past, of others, to dictate MY path/present.

I did things, because mom did them like that. I viewed things, because dad/church/folk, viewed them, like that.

I questioned, not.

I dared, not.

Why?

Because, I was told it was bad to:

Challenge.

Ask.

Try, outrageous things.

Question, God.

Challenge, “authority”.

I was forever being told, as a loud, black woman, to shut up and keep my head down.

Why?

In order to be viewed, sadly, as one of the ‘good’ black folk. Meaning, one who did NOT make waves. One, who did not make folk, white folks to be real, feel ‘uncomfortable’.

So, I:

Kept, my mouth shut.

Kept, my head down.

Kept, it moving.

Understand this: I love white folks. They are:

Amazing.

Loving.

Loyal.

Caring.

That said,…will save those thoughts for another day. Just know, I know folk are just doing all they know. Folks fear what they don’t understand. I have been called, all my life, an ‘angry, black woman’. For the most part, I am not that. At times, I AM angry. Just look up mortality rates on black women, giving birth, and you will get angry/sad as well.

Anywho, I am learning, STILL, how important it is for me to continue to ask ME, how I feel, what I think, what I hope for, what I dream of, how far I will go, how far I will NOT go, who I will go with, Who I will go with, who I will NOT go with, when I will go, when I won’t go.

Not just for me. For, you. For, Life. For, The Universe. For, Jesus. For, friends. For, family. For, everyone/everything!

Ah.

Aha!

Life has been especially tough. I appreciate it. It is bringing out the best, in me. I think…lol.

Be encouraged, beloveds. Your hard SHALL, of a surety, bring you awesome gifts. No matter what you go through. Amazing. Life is amazing. Surprisingly, I find this stranger in my bed, amazing.

amazed,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Okay, really? By now, you should be sending me notes, eh? Get on out there, beloveds, and LIVE. YOUR life. Be encouraged and know you ARE loved. A lot. Jesus told me so…*wink*…

It’s okay to say.

It’s okay to say, I won’t.

It’s okay to say, I can’t.

It’s okay to say, I don’t want to.

It’s okay to say, thats enough!

It’s okay to say, I hurt.

It’s okay to say, I am lonely.

It’s okay to say, I am not strong.

It’s okay to say, no.

It’s okay to say, yes.

It’s okay to say, I’ll think about it.

It’s okay to say, leave me be.

It’s okay to say, I need you.

It’s okay to say, I miss you.

It’s okay to say, I don’t understand.

It’s okay to say, I miss mom.

It’s okay to say, I’m angry you left, mom.

It’s okay to say, God, I’m afraid.

It’s okay to say, what in the fresh hell was that??!!

It’s okay to say, what will 55 bring?

It’s okay to say, will my posse ever ride, to my rescue?

It’s okay to say…

Hhmm.

It IS okay to say!

Ah.

Aha!

saying,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s okay to say, beloveds Speak.

Remember:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

When will you?

When will you?

WHEN will you:

Deal, with this?

Let God, heal that?

Allow, your heart, to speak?

Allow, The Universe, to speak to you?

Let Life, be life, in your life?

When?

Life, is short.

It is time, beloveds, for our when, to be made, our now.

Right NOW.

Get going.

going with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have been unpacking boxes and boxes of emotions/situations I had relegated to the ‘I’ll get to it later’ pile. Turns out, those piles got piled, so high, it was hard to see my present, let alone my future.

I am making my way, slowly, through all of my whens. It’s not always, easy. I have shed, tears. Yet, I have also shed many ridiculous notions, which were holding me back. Which were holding, my heart, back.

Ah, beloveds, keep going. Keep on facing, you. Let the world keep on hiding behind collecting people/places/things. You keep on loving. You keep on trying. You keep on keeping on. Until? Until, you have received!

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I was so busy being thankful, I forgot I was so sad.

I am thankful.

Grateful.

Awesomely, blessed.

Nah, I ain’t got millions, in the bank.

Yet, I have banked millions, of love, and have given away, EVERY last ounce of it.

Nope, I don’t have a bajillion, followers. I have a few peep who, amazingly, are amused/amazed, I hope, just a wee bit, by me.

No, I am not a looker. I am plain. Plain wonderful, if you ask me!

I am thankful.

Grateful.

Awesomely, blessed, am I,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is short. Be sure to tell yourself the truth. Think on your gratefuls. The what the hell was thats, will take care of themselves.

Deliciously afraid.

I’m afraid.

It’s delicious!

I have never felt so alive, in the whole, of my life!

Why?

Because, I feel as though my heart, is standing at the precipice. Of…

Of?

I have NO idea.

Yet, I stand.

Breathless.

Breathtakingly, afraid.

It’s delicous!

I used to fear, such feelings. Heck, I used to fear feeling, at all. I only allowed myself to feel the ‘good’ feelings. Feelings such as loss, embarrassment, grief, discouragement, and the like, were NOT allowed. Nope. Nada. Nary, a one.

Thankfully, God/Life/The Universe, were smart enough to love me until I learned it was OKAY, CRUCIAL, NECESSARY, to feel what I feel. Whatever, those feels, may be.

Yes, it’s important not to allow your feels, to run your life. It is also important to allow yourself to feel. So, you can understand what truths, what lies, what what in the fresh hells, you are telling yourself.

See, we all have a tape player constantly feeding us messages. We have to ensure what we are listening to!

Last night, I cried. I was telling myself I was:

Old.

Past, my prime.

Then, I told discouragement to skeedaddle. It had done it’s work. I gently took my heart, into my hand, and loved on, me. I told myself the truth:

I am loved.

I am NOT alone.

I CAN.

I SHALL.

I CHOOSE.

I will love.

I will care.

I will try.

deliciously afraid,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is changing for us, beloveds, isn’t it? Terrifying. Exciting. Sad. Glorious. Joyous. Disappointing. Uplifting. Challenging. Hard. Sooooooooooooo many things, all at once.

Keep LIVING, beloveds. Embrace, ALL. Even, the scary. Even, the hard. Even, the..*shrug*. This morning, I forced my way, into my life. No, hiding. Not for me. Life is much too short.

Who is this stranger, in my bed? Where, did she come from? Was she ALWAYS there? Has she ALWAYS been waiting for me, to show up, for me? I stare at her, in awe. She, seems so unafraid. As for me, suddenly, I find myself weak and timid. What do I do with me now, beloveds? Asking for A Friend.

I alomst forgot!

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

55: Today, I cried.

55 is staring me down.

I cried.

I feel as though, I have failed her.

I don’t have much, in my mind, to present to her.

Ah, 55, I thought I would have sooooooooooooooooooo much more, to my life, than I have now.

Yes, I have helped a whole heapin’ lotsa folk. Yea, I have encouraged, the whole damned world. Yeppers, I have raised a bajillion real and claimed, nieces, nephews and cousins.

Yes, I have leaped tall buildings, in single bounds. To help others, achieve their dreams.

What of MINE, 55?

What of…me?!

Ah, I’m afraid, 55, of lifting my head. I’m afraid, 55, of looking. Looking into the eyes of God, of Life, of The Universe. I have done my best. Yet, look at these meager offerings!

I’m annoyed, 55. With, myself. With, my feels. I want to tell myself to stop whining.

Suck it up, Cassandra!

You have what you have!

*sigh*

I have run out of fruit snacks.

It feels as though I have run, out of time.

Have I, 55?

Is there time, for me to be victorious, still?

Today, 55, I cried.

Today, I cry out.

Who shall answer, I wonder?

wondering,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ask me why, but I feel as I did when mom passed away. NO earthly idea why. I’m…*shrug*.

Heart check Wednesday.

It’s Wednesday.

Again.

*sigh*

The closer I get, to turning 55, the more tired I seem to be. Not sure why, really. Sleep has been aluding me. Thoughts scurrying round, every which a way. Not sure why…*shrug*.

I find myself:

Wondering.

Wandering.

Wandering around, whilst wondering.

About everything.

EVERYTHING!!

It has been exhausting.

55 seems to be taunting me, for some blasted reason.

Leave me alone!

I want to go back, almost.

Back to when my eyes were not opened.

Okay, I don’t want to go back. Just unsure of what lies ahead, moving forward.

55, say what you need to say, already, so I can get some sleep.

I’m tired.

wondering what the fresh hell,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have NO idea WHY I just want to hide, beneath piles and miles of comforter in order to gain comfort. Last night, I was sad. I told myself I will be 55, in a few weeks, yet don’t have a posse, of my own. Not, really, I say. If I stopped blogging, tomorrow, the world won’t stop rotating, on it’s axis. Just another blog. Just another lady, growing older, who has checked out.

Of course, I am not going to. Just wondering what is the point, to ME. Am not depressed or sad. I truly am wondering, what goof like moi, has contributed in her almost 55 years. My pile does not look like much, to the world. All I had to give, mostly, was me. Was me enough? Asking for a friend…*sigh*…

Egads, what a semi depressing(?) piece. That’s okay, though. It’s honest…keep going…

Keep going.

I’m tired.

I don’t want to.

I will, anyway.

tired but keeping it moving,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: This week has ALREADY been a struggle. I don’t want to do ANY of the day. I have been arguing, forever, about staying in bed and not working, today. Had myself half convinced. Told myself to shut up and to keep it moving.

There are just time, beloveds, where we just have to keep it moving. Period. I have told me lazy to shut up and get a move on. Lazy told me to kick rocks. The Universe told us both to shut up and keep it moving. Keep going. Drag your tired into the shower, with you. We got thangs to do. You are loved. You are not alone.

Repeat after me, The Universe said.

Repeat after me, The Universe said:

Life does NOT, owe you, anything.

God does NOT, owe you, anything.

The Universe, does NOT, owe you, anything.

Your family, does NOT, owe you, anything.

Life, can be, hard.

God, can be, heard.

The Universe, can be, whatever the heck It wishes to be.

Your family, may or may not, do the best it/they can, by you.

Your friends, may or may not, love and support you.

Your health, will cooperate WITH you.

This life is NOT about 24/7 stimulation and entertainment.

This life is meant to be LIVED, not survived and shouted down by noise/distractions.

You get ONE, go around. Period.

Your life is a joyful as you CHOOSE.

Hard things happen. So what? What are you going to DO, about/with your life?

What are you looking at ME, for?!

Your choices are YOUR choices. Don’t get mad at Me, for not slapping foolish out of your hands.

You are alone because you chose not to reach out and pursue friendship and loves. Folk hurt you. So what? There are billions of folk. Why, punish the rest of the world, for a few folk who had no idea how to love themselves, let alone you?

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Love always,

The Universe

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Too often, we blame The Universe, and whomever is close at hand, for why we are where we are. Or, why we are not where we thought we were supposed to be. The good news is we can start over. Again. Again. Again. As many times is as needed. Then, rinse and repeat.

I have learned to rejoice in ALL things. Here lately, things have been super hard. Beyond measure. Beyond, what I thought I could bear. Turns out, beloveds, I can bear, a lot. So can you. Be encouraged. Keep going. Repeat after me:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU

I don’t know why I don’t know why.

I don’t wanna spend my 55th birthday with anyone, and don’t know why.

I am wondering why I write the way I do, and I don’t know why.

I don’t know why, I don’t know why.

Does it matter?

I don’t know.

And I don’t know why.

wondering and not knowing why,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Beats me…🤷‍♀️