Hey mom.
It’s me. Your daughter. Cassandra. I NEED to talk to you, mom. I hope you can/will understand what I have been needing to say. For years. For a lifetime, I imagine.
I love you, mom. You are one of my heroes. You taught me how to love folk. You taught me how to keep on keeping on whether I have felt like it or not.
You taught me how to cook. You taught me about sports. You taught me how to clean chittlings…ew. You coulda kept THAT lesson, mom.
Anywho, mom, God has been encouraging me to be honest with you. He told me to tell you the truth. Finally. He said it would NOT hurt your feelings. He said you would understand. I hope you do. Here goes nothing…
Dear mom,
I have to let you go. Not you, but I have GOT to let go of YOUR fear(s). I have been carrying them all my life. I have been viewing MY goals through YOUR eyes of fear. I’m not blaming you, mom. You grew up in a world of not much. You wanted us to have plenty.
You grew up in a world where being a woman of color was seen as a danger and a detriment. You wanted us to be safe.
You grew up in a world that told women to shut up, cook, have lots of babies and absolutely NO dreams. You wanted us to be conventional.
You grew up in a world where being loud could get you killed. You wanted us to stay alive.
You grew up in a world where lack was ALL you have ever known money and health wise. You wanted us to make ‘just enough’ so we could scrape by.
You grew up in a time where menfolk just weren’t that great to womenfolk. You wanted us to need nothing and no one so we wouldn’t/didn’t NEED a man.
Ah, mom, you did your best. The best you could do, given the knowledge, the circumstances, and the folk that made your life not so safe, not so loved, not so supported, not so understood.
Inadvertently, mom, you passed your fear(s) down to me. I learned to step, carefully. Truth be told, mom, I learned to not step out at all!…*sigh*.
I don’t blame you, mom. Can I tell you a secret? By your example, I learned more than you could ever know. I learned how to love, no matter what. I learned to try, no matter how. I learned to give, no matter who. All from watching you.
I’m ready now, mom. Ready to move forward. Ready to see what I can do. Ready to see how far my dreams can/will take me. Maybe, nowhere. Ah, mom, but they MAY take me straight up into the heavens. So you can see how very far I have come. How far I have yet to go.
Ah, mom. I think it’s time your fear(s) be buried, don’tcha think? I think there is a whole world just waiting for ME. Whowouldathunkit? I’m ready to find out.
I love you, mom. I’m just ready to love all the other parts of you, not just the fear(s) that spoke so loudly for you.
Let’s go, mom. We got thangs to do.
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I’m having a last cup of coffee with the fear(s) that have dogged me for 55 years. They have shadowed EVERY decision. No more. I did not realize this until fighting with fear for days and days. Weeks really. I could NOT understand why I couldn’t shake these feelings of dread.
Dread showed up from nowhere. It spilled onto my joy. It tainted my happy. It rained on my content. I tried to pretend I felt no dread. Dread only grew louder. Fear and doubt came tagging along. They pounded me and pounded me.
I fussed at God’s Silence. He was simply waiting for me to ask myself what I was dreading, what I was afraid of. Ah. Aha!
Facing my fear, I realized it wasn’t MY fear that has had me soooooooooooooooooooooo afraid. It was mom’s. Her worry about bills. Her terror of not being about to keep the lights on. Her dread about not being about to provide for us.
Mom did all she could. With what she had. Financially, we never had much. We had a ton of laughter. We laughed over dumb things. We were given tons of fortitude, want to and have to. Those things have helped me all my life. I hang onto them. With dear life.
Yea, beloveds, it’s time. Time to move on. Free from the fear(s) of others. Free from the expectations of others we can never meet. Free from the sins that so easily beset us.
Let’s go, beloveds. We got thangs to do. Perhaps, you need to write your own letter. Perhaps, the letter needs to be written to YOU. Be encouraged. Let’ get to living. Unapologetically. Unafraid. Love someone. Starting with you. Asking for Your Friend.
In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He.
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
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