It’s okay, beloveds. You tried. Hard. Things didn’t work out. Nothing to be ashamed of.
I am learning HOW to own my failures. I have been giving myself such a hard time because of my supposed failings. I have beat myself up because of all I ‘should have done’, ‘did not do’, ‘should have tried’, ‘should not have tried’.
On and on, I beat myself down. I didn’t give myself any credit for the effort. I judged myself, harshly I might add, over the OUTCOME of said efforts.
God, in His Infinite Love, has been doing His level best to get me to forgive myself for all the shoulda, coulda and woulda that did or did not happen.
I spend less time lamenting on what did or didn’t happen. Life is much too short to be wasting on that. I’m trying to focus on what I can do today to help me today. And beyond. Today is all we have. I’m doing my best to stay in today. I’m doing my utmost to enjoy today.
I’m doing my best to own what I choose. I made the choice. I made the decision. I chose to go there. I chose not to do this. I chose not to act on that. I stand by my choices. I own my choices. I have made peace with my choices.
I’m giving life everything I have. I’m giving the world the best I can. I’m trying as hard as I know. That’s enough for me. I hope it’s enough for you. If not, there’s nothing I can do about that.
Have an amazing rest of your day. Seize these moments. Make the most of them. Make the most of you.
*Cassandra did NOT do as she wanted to which was to open the door, toss her phone out said door, and slam said door with a satisfying thump and emphatically emotional harrumph. Thinking this un got it going on like popcorn like, decided to act like a grown up, instead of acting a fool, like she sooooooooooooo wanted to do, and simply…*
Updated her Messenger app.
Tada!
In times past, I would have:
Blamed the universe for forever messing with me as soon as I decided to mess with it and pursue my dreams.
Pouted and blamed God for ALLOWING aforementioned universe to be messing with me whilst I was tryna mess with it and pursue my dreams.
Fussed at Life for…🤷♀️…ANY reason was a good reason to fuss, fume, blame, cajole, curse out, beg, plead, and argue with Life to hurry on up, already, and help me mess with the universe who is forever messing with me whilst I am tryna mess with it to achieve my writing dream.
Losing mom AND turning 50 gave me an endless supply of I no longer give two hoots, three flying flips and the universe can kick ALL the rocks.
Those two things have also afforded me a lifetime supply of kicking ALL people, places and things which have NOT served me, supported me, took and never gave back, belittled, dismissed, ghosted, coasted and generally let me do ALL the work whilst taking ALL the credit, money, time, prayers and love I gave out, to the curb.
Phooey on that!!!
Now, I have learned to:
Stop – don’t waste energy on something not currently working.
Assess – look at the situation from ALL sides. You may, in fact, be on the wrong side of a thing. Nothing wrong with being wrong. You may not have been privy to all the details. The person who gave you the details may have not been privy to all the details. All may have been given the details and you were ALL wrong.🤣🤷♀️. Don’t be afraid to turn around. No need in driving off the cliff because Thelma and Louise did!🤦♀️
Ask – if you follow God, ask for His Thoughts and Guidance. If you are not about that God life due to mankind’s using God to act ten kinds of fools…smh, go ahead and ask Life to give you some ideas. Ponder, aloud. Will tell you a secret: God can hear you even when you are talking to Life and will sneak, in disguise, into your situation and will love you through it. Don’t tell Him I told you this….sshhh!
Act – after you have taken everything into account, act.
Stop. Assess. Ask. Act. These things I do now. Hopefully, I will keep my act right acting right enough to continue to do so. On the daily. On the regular.
I am going to continue to build my dreams. Out loud. Out in the open, where the whole of the world can see/judge/assess/act upon. Or not.
I encourage you, beloveds, to keep working on your dream. Heckamiah, your dream just may be what the world I have been waiting for to finish off mine!
Real talk, faith can be such a tough pill to swallow.
When God asks you to follow Him. Or, He asks you go somewhere you would rather not.
Geeeeeeeez!
I find myself in a place I would rather not be, at the moment. That said, I here as a willing participant because I chose to continue this way.
I could have made other choices. Instead, I chose to do as I was led to do. Super real talk, beloveds, I have given myself a bit of a hard time for being dumb enough to choose to go this way.
I know. I know. Christian folk are not supposed to be real enough to share how the sausage is truly made.
Apparently, we are supposed to remain calm and pious at ALL times. We are never allowed to be pissed off. Oops. We are never supposed to get mad at God for getting us in tight spots. We are not to have any emotions, other than gratitude, when we are handed a fresh basket of fresh what in the hell is this/that?!
For all that life is waiting for YOU to seize. What the world are you waiting for!? Get going!
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: To hear the world tell it, beloveds, I may as well pack it in. Why?
I am 56.
I am a woman.
I am a BLACK woman.
I am a 56 year old, black woman…*gasp*. EVERY report has me being let go off, dispatched, dismissed, unwanted, unseen, unheard. Apparently, I ought shrivel up, shut up, shut down and go away.
The hooey with that! I have heard THAT nonsense for the whole of my existence. I am forever being told what I can’t do, where I can’t go, what I can’t have. By EVERYBODY.
To THAT, I continue to call BS. I AM:
Capable.
Able.
Loving.
Lovely.
Tenacious.
Lovable.
I SHALL continue to live a rich life. At the moment, I have a few 💵 dollars, in the bank. Right now, I live in a super dated apartment. At the present, I live alone. So what? I love my place. I enjoy my solitude. I am rich in the love of God, with the love of family, a couple friends and love of self.
I determine my value. I determine my steps. I determine my actions. I determine my try. By doing this, I make my life priceless. As do you, beloveds.
STOP wasting your life chasing the approval of others. You are NOT going to get it from most folk. Most folk have an agenda for your life. You are merely a transaction in the eyes of this world. That’s okay. Be sure the transaction is a win for both parties and keep it moving.
In the meantime, beloveds, keep living a life of integrity. Stop meeting transactions! Meet PEOPLE! LOVE people. The Universe will make sure you get what you need. Smh.
God knows I am not yet ready to return to work. Mentally, my heart is still terribly shaken from hollering, at the tops of my lungs, not to die in the bathroom, while an F4 🌪 tornado danced around the yard and neighborhood. I have not yet found the statute of limitations on when one is supposed to be over it already…😳😭😱
Believe me when I tell you that life is short. Use the time you have. I say this not to frighten you. I say these words, with love, to encourage you to get up and to try. Just try. Experience how much joy you find in the trying. Even in the hard. Be encouraged. You CAN. You WILL.
There has been some mighty disappointing days in this year.
So much so, beloveds, I have made disappointment a friend. A friend who brings me fresh ideas and new opportunities to stand on FAITH.
I don’t enjoy disappointment. I find disappointment terribly discouraging and disappointing.
Keeping my promise to myself to use EVERYTHING for my good, I have had to be creative with feelings of disappointment.
I rename things. I reclaim ownership of other things. I ponder why. I wonder what comes next.
I dismiss thoughts of quitting. I laugh at suggestions to walk away.
I try something. Then, I try something else.
I am relentless. I am reluctant.
I am bold. I am hesitant.
I burst forward. I scurry back.
All the while, disappointment shows herself to be a considerate friend. She is consistent. She does not demand to be tended to. She waits patiently for ME to act. Or not.
What’s that? Disappointment has come calling through my empty mailbox. I was waiting on two much needed checks. Fresh hell.
I have to go tend to disappointment. If I don’t, she will make way for fear and doubt to come in. I have too many thangs to do to allow that to happen.
Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: When you figure out what to DO with disappointment, please let me know.
The Universe: You are much more successful than you know. Keep going.
Me: How? Where?
The Universe: Great questions! Keep asking. I will tell you a secret:
It’s not you, it’s Me. Getting in the way. Preparing the way. Making the way.
Me: Why?
The Universe: You shall run into the answers as you try. You will understand as you continue to strive.
I hate to say this for fear some may misunderstand…
Going through this tornado may have saved my life. Prior to it, beloveds, I was in the midst of running myself into the ground for any and everyone.
I had worked too hard. I had worked too long. I had ignored my body’s tells for far too long.
I had been burnt out for months. Okay, for the last two years at least. I told myself I could not afford to rest. I told myself folk could not afford for me to rest. Hogwash!
I did us ALL a disservice: Me, fam, friends, work, my community. I had nothing substantial left to give.
The tornado was like a huge needle being scraped over the vinyl record called my life.
I honestly do not know if I would have stopped abusing myself as I had. Abuse is a harsh word. A true one.
Don’t get it twisted, beloveds. The Universe is NOT served when we drive ourselves into the ground and rise as empty husks.
That said, I have promised to use EVERYTHING for my good. I don’t know why the doors have not opened yet. Yet. Three words driving me cra cra!😳😭
Hang in there, beloveds. It’s not you. Life has to make it do what it do. You just have to keep standing on business and doing all you know.
THEN…rest.
We got this.
believing in us all, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Have FAITH. DON’T quit. Not just yet. Yet…*sigh*. Be encouraged. I love you. So does He.
What do you do when life happens at the worst time?
I’ve been asking myself that question for the last 6 months. I have been trying to figure out the answer for the last 6 months. This is the absolute worst time to be trying to find a job. This could not be a worst time to be 56 without a job. The tornado could not have picked the worst time to have happened.
Now I am left with trying to figure things out. in real time. Having been left with nothing, I have to do the best I can with what I have left. which has been a whole lot of nothing. Go figure.
It’s hard to learn a lesson when you’re trying to figure out how to keep the lights on. It’s not easy remaining calm when disaster seems near.
Living in the meantime can be awfully difficult when in the meantime, life is especially troublesome and tiring. The fairy tales don’t tell you what to do after the credits stops rolling.
These times are here for a reason. It’s up to me to work to find out what those reasons are. I wish I could tell reason to kiss my uh oh. I can’t. I have to be the mature 56 year old I am. Yikes.
I’m trying my utmost not to be angry about having to start over at 56 in this manner. I could have done this easily 30 years ago. Youth would have been on my side. Now I have an old body and a tired mind.
The news is full of nothing but gloom and doom. I refuse to see it with my fear. I pour the oxygen of praise, love and joy over the sad tidings. I find that 56 is a valiant warrior. She refused to give up. She laughs at hard. 56 is an encourager. She tells me to keep going. She tells me that everything truly will work out. She tells me that everything will come out in a wash. I am beginning to enjoy 56.
56 is relentless. Maybe she recognizes how truly short life is. I’m doing the best I can with the days I have. I have to. So do you. There’s too much left unfinished.
I still don’t know how to quite answer. What do you do when life happens at the worst time? I’m still figuring that out in real time. I’ll let you know on the other side. There will be another side for me. I will make it there. as will you.
In the meantime, keep doing the best you can. For as long as you can. Rest, then begin again.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: God has never lost a battle. He never will. Be encouraged.
Sis wanted to get me some groceries. She wanted to get me the “good” soup. Meaning, the expensive soup. Two bucks plus per 🥫😲…*gasp*.
Growing up, we were never able to afford the “good” stuff. We “made do”. We scripted. We scrounged.
I learned to “make due” with every area of my life. I scrounged. I scrimped. I dared not ask anything for me. Things of value, anyway.
Doing this, I guess I taught myself to devalue ME. I didn’t understand mom was just making sure things lasted. The lesson I learned was that I was something that had to be managed. Barely.
That wasn’t mom’s fault. It was my child-like knowledge I turned into grown-up fear.
These months are teaching me how valuable Cassandra is apart from her effort. I’m worth a lot.
I think I shall let sis get me the good soup. I am worth it. I am worthy. I am worthwhile.
So are YOU, beloveds. Be sure to let yourself have some of the good things of life. You are priceless. You are worth all that life has in store for you. Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This piece was hard to right. I’m sad and how long it took for me to see my value and worth. Thank goodness God was sooooooooo persistent and relentless in loving me.
Real talk, beloveds, it really is truth that when the student is ready, the teacher shall appear.
For weeks, I have been ramming my head against the same wall of fear 😱. EVERY day. ALL day. I told myself because I was in need of a job.
In truth, beloveds, the job had and has nothing whatever to do with my TRUE need(s):
The need to FEEL safe.
The need to BE safe, financially.
The need to KNOW the safety of the love of/from others.
NO job can meet those needs. NO person can meet those needs. NO bank account can meet those needs. Okay, they can TEMPORARILY. Then, the ultimate need will AGAIN present itself:
The need to be cared for. The need to KNOW/EXPERIENCE the fact we are NOT alone. The need to be cherished. The need to be heard. The need to be recognized.
Without these things, we feel empty, worthless and not worthwhile.
The reason I write is to let folk know they ARE:
Loved.
Seen.
Heard.
Valued.
Cherished.
By who/Whom?
Ah, great question! Answering this question is our quest, eh?
The FIRST person that must love us is US! How do we do that when we have forever been advised we are not lovable unless we come with endless gifts?
Ah, great question! Answering this question is our quest, eh?🥰
It took me many years to learn to love ME. There are still days when I have to remind me to keep loving me through all of my foolishness. Ah, Cassandra, why did you do THAT?! Oh, Cassandra, why didn’t you do THIS??!
One day, God told me to stop worrying about the outcome. He told me to focus on the try. I didn’t understand. Not at first. I was used to living and dying from the outcome.
I judged God by outcomes, or lack thereof. I judged people by outcomes, or lack thereof. I judged me by outcomes, or lack thereof.
Slowly, I learned to simply focus on MY try. I can’t do a thing about folk reading or not reading my pieces. I can’t convince folk to receive my care or not. I can’t force The Universe to bless me, monetarily.
ALL I can do is TRY. Lately, I found myself focusing more and more on the outcome, or lack thereof. All that did was send discouragement pouring in all corners of my world.
I forgot to look UP. I was too afraid to move FORWARD. I forgot to take joy with me through the hard. All I saw was nothing happening.
Thursday morning, I chose to put everything down. I told myself I refuse to allow fear to run my life and job search. The job is not the point. The point is to continue building my life upon FAITH, ACTION, INTEGRITY, AND LOVE. Everything else will come out in the wash.
I turned off the job searching and went in search of my peace of mind. I needed a reset. A while after that, a CS Lewis channel came across my feed. He was talking about resting and the fact that God is moving in our lives whether we see it or not.
Then, another wonderful channel appeared with beautiful scenery and positive affirmations.
Today, I came across a WONDERFUL piece from The Work At Home Guide. I HAD to share it with you as she has literally shared what I have been praying and asking for for weeks:
From Dreamer to Doer: Taking Action for Success – The Work At Home Guide
The whole point of this piece is to encourage you to just try. What you need SHALL be added to you. Who you need SHALL appear.
I hear a cup of coffee calling my name. Who is up for a cup?
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Keep trying, beloveds. If your try was not having an effect, your haters wouldn’t be hating so hard. No matter what results, you are growing. You are living. You are moving forward.
Life is much too short to waste on bitter feelings over what was or wasn’t. Move on. Move past. Start again. Again.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 