Just write.
The mandate God gave me when I was just a wee one.
Just write. Encourage others. Be encouraged yourself.
I did that. For years. For decades. I was happy. I didn’t have much in the way of money. I didn’t care. I wrote. I encouraged folk. I encouraged me. I enjoyed my relationship with God.
I did so. Happily. For 40 years. After that, beloveds, I allowed hard to become too hard. Okay, real talk…*sigh*.
About that time, God prodded me to move on to writing in order to make a financial way and life for myself. I was afraid to. I dressed it up behind not being ready financially. I told myself I would do so when I was stable/able/had a platform.
I made up a million reasons/excuses/situations/circumstances. Oh, I didn’t do so out in the open, beloveds. I was much more discreet. I made sure to wrap things up in piety and humility so folks wouldn’t know, so I wouldn’t know I was just terrified to try and fail.
In doing so, I locked myself into a prison of comfort/sameness/you had best not move/goodness and gravy you could lose everything frame of mind and kept my head down.
I helped others reach their goals. I worked to help work achieve theirs. I killed myself in order that others didn’t have to. I enjoyed doing so.
Still, I had the longing to try things MY way. I wanted to write weird things. I wanted to say ridiculous things. I wanted to make a living encouraging the entire world. That desire never left. I buried it. I crammed it in drawers when it got to noisy.
I turned up the noise in my life when that desire became too loud to ignore.
THAT desire, though, got so blasted hard to ignore and carry around, in my heart. I begged God to take the dream from me. I besought The Universe to leave me alone and bug someone else. I bartered with Life to allow me to just hide among mundane things. None listened.
My heart refused to be silent. One day, about a year before the tornado hit, the horrifying thought that what I truly wanted to do I could NOT afford to, financially, truly set in.
I felt trapped at work. I enjoyed my work but it wasn’t MY work. I was miserable, then, doing anything other than what my heart had truly wanted to do.
The tornado came and upset my apple cart. I had to begin again. I had to ask myself if I was going to return to that awful, awful, awfully discouraging activity of working for a job I should have left years ago. Yes, it paid the bills. Still, it had been time for me to find something else so I could begin to build on my dreams.
I hesitated because other jobs paid far, far less than what I made. Yes, I could have made it while earning less but moving towards MY writing future. I was scared to bet on me. I was scared to take the chance. The tornado took that option out of my hands.
I decided to bet on me. To do so until there is no more me. How will I make it? I have not the foggiest idea. I can say I have been having a blast fighting through all the fear, all the hard, all the discomfort, all the not knowing. It has been maddening. It has also been a hoot.
Why? Because, I am walking towards MY future. I may fail. I have failed a billion times, already. I am failing forward. I am working towards something just for ME. Ah, God. How exhausting. How entertaining. How exasperating.
Still, I have gotten back to just writing. Just write, God said to me.
I will.
I do.
I am.
writing just cuz He said to,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: It feels good living a life free from fear. I’m not worrying about how the bills are going to be paid. The only thing I’m worried about is whether I’m going to put French vanilla Creamer in my coffee!
Fear not. Things will workout. Don’t spend your night afraid that you’re going to lose. You are going to lose at times. You’re going to win at times. You would lose some things, you would gain some things. Life is going to life. Make the best of things. Enjoy the journey along the way.
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 