Author: Cassandra S.

Use what you have.

My new computer is acting old. In times past, I would have grown angry. I would’ve wasted time fussing and fuming at the stupid computer.

Now, I simply move on to something else. I have switched to my phone. I can do the same things.It will just take a little bit longer.

I’m learning how not to fight against it taking longer. Things take time. Important things take time. Some things will take a lifetime.

I really did think I was going to die in that tornado. I stood in the bathroom and cried. I wondered if my life had meant anything to anyone.

Every sinse the lights came back on, I have still wondered. I wonder even now. I want my life to matter. I want my voice to heal broken hearts.

I want my actions to show others they can do it. I want my life to uplift.

I want many things. Yet, I don’t want THINGS. I want healing. For me. For you. For all.

What I have to give just does not seem to be enough. I’m giving it  anyway. I’m using what I have. Me.

Use what you have, beloveds. You are enough. Your try is enough.

Be encouraged.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: There is nothing more aggravating than things not working when we need them to. Making lemonade out of lemons gets old.

I didn’t want to write today. It’s much too hot. It’s much too hot to want to do anything but hide and bed saying how hot it is.

I got out of bed. I wrote. I had my me time. Now I am giving you a bit of my me  time. I have been watching the Olympics and watching people win and lose.

We all win and lose in life. There is no shame in losing. We learn so many things when we lose. We learn how to congratulate the winner graciously. We learn how to accept defeat honorably. There is no shame in that.

I am learning how to accept my failures without feeling like a failure. I am not a failure. I just did not succeed at the last attempt. I will try again.

I will feel again. No matter. I will laugh and move on. Life is short.

Keep moving forward. Keep pressing on. Stand fast. Don’t ever allow yourself to give up on you. Many will give up on you. That’s okay. There others who will stand by your side. Wait for them. They are coming.

Take care of your heart. Your heart is precious. So are you. In case no one told you yet today: I love you. So does  He.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I got you, God said to me.

I’m afraid.

God: I got you.

I don’t think I can.

God: I got you.

I don’t know how.

God: I got you.

I’m afraid I will let You down.

God: I got you.

I’m afraid I will let me down.

God: I got you.

I feel so all alone.

God: I got you.

I will probably lose again.

God: I got you.

I may never get there.

God: I got you. Get it?

Me: I got You!😁🥰

loved no matter what,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ah, God. Thanks for loving me no matter what. Thanks for ‘getting me’ and loving me anyway. 🤣❤️‍🩹❤️🥰

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Don’t be afraid to face your fear(s).

One good thing about adversity is you have plenty of opportunities to face your fear(s).

I have been taking these opportunities to tell fear where to get off at. I have told 55 to calm down and be patient. I have told bills to shove it. I have told anxiety to go jump into a lake and drown.

I have bathed in the comfort which comes from knowing I am loved and not alone during these tough days.

I will be glad when these tough days are long past. Until then, I am using them to face my fear(s). I am done from running from them. I am finished with lying to myself about being fearless. I am not. I am human. I am NOT strong. And, that’s okay.

Face your fear(s), beloveds. You will be glad you did.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: What are you still doing here? You are supposed to be telling fear where to get off at or get to….

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

At the worst possible time.

My dreams have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My doubts have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My fears have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My hopes have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My desire to be loved have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My ability to do really dumb things have shown up.

At the worst possible time.

My desire to give my ALL to ALL has shown up.

At the worst possible time.

Still, I am. Here. Now. Giving my ALL. Stupidly. Ridiculously. Unapologetically.

At the worst possible time.

being fully me at THE worst possible time,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have been fighting with ME all day. ALL DAY! My heart says to rejoice. Reality asks me how DUMB can I possibly be?! My spirit says to laugh. Doubts ask how FOOLISH can I possibly be?! My mind says to dream bigger than I have EVER dreamed. Fear says how RIDICULOUS can I possibly be?!

I have no idea, beloveds. But, I am fixin’ to find out….hahahahahahahahaha.

Be encouraged. Keep on keeping on. Asking for A Friend. Don’t forget how much you ARE loved. Sometimes, we just need to hear it. Mom’s birthday is coming up and I would give anything to HEAR her telling me everything is going to be alright. Everything IS going to be alright, beloveds. Until then, have faith. Laugh a little. Love a lot. Keep your heart open and God WILL fill it. Even the unbelievers. Especially the unbelievers. He loves them the most…hehe.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Keep on loving you.

I have been finding myself hard to love lately.

I have been a hot mess.

Literally.

We are currently experiencing a heatwave that will NOT go away.

Which leaves me:

Hot.

Cantakerous.

Irritable.

Irritating.

Annoying.

To myself, let alone other folk.

I am doing my utmost to continue to love me. Even when I want to pop my own self, upside the head, for forever carrying on about how I am going to eat, let alone pay bills with no job, no money, no prospects, no this, that and the other thing…*sigh*.

I have told myself to shut up more times than I care to admit. Goodness and gravy I am sick and tired of my carrying on. It is much too hot, Cassandra! Shut it, already! Trust that all WILL be well, already!

Heckamiah Jeremiah…lol.

I am loving me. The best I can.

Keep on loving YOU, beloveds.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s not always easy to love ourselves. Not when we are forever doing dumb things. Or, saying stupid things. Or, getting into foolishness for no apparently GOOD reason. We are all we got so we gotsa start being better to ourselves, don’t you think?

Keep on loving you. Through your foolishness. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. Forgive yourself. This has been my DAILY mantra here lately. I keep throwing my past, in my face. I keep throwing all I have not done, in my face. I keep throwing what others have not done for me, in my face.

Then, I apologize to me and keep it moving. I am doing my best to acknowledge I have honestly done the best I can. The results I see now are what they are. I have encouraged many. Heard back from not that many. Doesn’t take away the try that I have tried. I pray these feeble words have touched a soul or two. Here or there.

If not these words, maybe tomorrow. Ah, beloveds. I shall return. Tomorrow. Hopefully. None of us are promised tomorrow. Know I gave you my all. Today. Here. Now. In case no one has told you yet today: I love you. Jesus does as well. The Father says come and visit for a spell. Asking for Your Friend(s)…

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

YOU are mixed up in my why.

If you are reading this, I’m blaming YOU.

Yea, YOU, beloveds.

Why?

Because you are mixed up in my why.

Why?

Because you need to HEAR that you are loved and not alone.

Why?

Because God will NOT leave me alone and keeps reminding me to remind YOU everyday that you are loved and not alone.

Why?

The hell if I know. He has been pestering me about YOU for the whole of my life. Geeeeeez!

I used to wonder and ask why in the world I was fashioned this way. I have stopped asking. Does no good. I can’t help caring about YOU, beloveds.

Why?

Because, YOU are mixed up in my why.

Why?

You need to know YOU matter.

Yea, YOU.

Why?

Because, you have been fed the lie your life is but a small, unseen, unnecessary, unneded thing. Ha! Lies!

YOU are:

Loved more than you will EVER know. Be encouraged. You are not alone.

I am frustrated as there is so much I want to say but don’t know how to express what I feel. Except to keep repeating the same message: You ARE loved. You are NOT alone.

Take care of your heart. I am going to leave this here before I frustrate myself further with not knowing how to let you know how incredibly incredible you are.

loving folk but not know how to show them how much,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ah, beloveds. I wish…*sigh*.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Stop laying down on your fear.

I was afraid.

WAS.

Not now. Why? I made myself get out of bed and FACE my fear(s).

I told the boogeyman, fear, we are going to get up, have coffee, and talk about all these lies it has been telling me.

I got up.

I told fear to go on ahead and take two seats.

Then, I got on about my day.

I made coffee.

I wrote.

I called my wombie.

I cried a bit.

I laughed a lot.

I allowed love in.

Now, beloveds, I could have chosen to stay in bed. Afraid. Terrified. Listening to the lies I would not recover from all the happenings which have happened upon me.

I could have chosen to blame a variety of things or folks.

I could have chosen to allow bitterness to secretly snatch my hopes, dreams and joy.

I could have chosen to dismiss my feelings and pretend I was NOT afraid.

I chose to be honest.

I WAS afraid.

I WAS dispirited.

I WAS lonely.

I WAS missing mom.

I WAS afraid I may have made a mistake.

I WAS missing mom.

I WAS missing the confident me.

I CHOSE to be honest.

With me.

With my wombie.

With God.

It helped. A lot. I was able to say the scary parts OUT LOUD. Sometimes, we just have to say the hard stuff out loud. So, we can deal with them. Or, not. It’s our choice.

Be encouraged. You CAN face the things needing to be faced. You CAN survive your happenings. You WILL experience peace. You WILL know joy. Until then, I got you. As does He.

here as best I can,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: For whomever was wondering if they matter…yea, I was talking to YOU. Be encouraged. You got this.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Be ruthless with your me time.

24 hours in the day.

Yikes!

I find 24 is not enough for all that I wish to do.

In the past, I would allow my ‘me time’ to be ruthlessly snatched by this, that and the other thing. I allowed folk to ruthlessly tap into my ‘me time’ and make it their time. I dared not be there for folk…*gasp*. How dare?!

The more I have learned how short life is, the more I am ruthless with my ‘me time’. I guard it now. Ruthlessly. Religiously. Vigorously. Relentlessy.

I have to. No one else will. Folk will blithely use all your ‘me time’ and dare not spare a drop of THEIR ‘me time’!…*gasp*. How dare I ask for a smidge of THEIR ‘me time’. SMH.

Guard your ‘me time’, beloveds. Cherish it. Spend it liberally. On YOU. You can’t give out what you don’t have.

It serves no purpose to empty yourself to the point where you are of no good to anyone or anything.

I find it terribly troubling to admit I would probably still be exhausting myself and overwhelming myself with too much work with too little ‘me time’ and rest.

But for a horrible tornado that turned all upside down, I would STILL be killing myself, slowly, with too much work, too much hidden worry, not enough faith in ME, nowhere near enough try in and for MY dreams.

Sadly, beloveds, I would have continued killing myself for a job I could no longer financially afford to stay at with the pay offered. I should have jumped off the ‘just barely enough’ train long time ago.

No matter. I forgive me. For being too damned afraid to bet on me. I am betting on me. Now. Right now. I may well lose. No matter. I try. I shall see what God and Life and The Universe shall say to me and my try.

Be ruthless with your me time, beloveds. No one else will. Most will care less about your being less because of having given all of your ‘me time’ to them. Guard your ‘me time’ jealously. Ruthlessly. Covetously.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have been enjoying my ‘me time’ tonight. I have already written my promised ten pieces. Am doing some ‘extra credit’ pieces. Just cuz. I am humming, badly, to some love songs and loving up on my heart.

I am daydreaming. I am dreaming about making stupidly weird and fantastical things happen in the coming days. They may never come to pass. No matter. I shall joy in the try. My try is enough. As am I.

Ah.

Aha!

Get out there and LIVE, beloveds. We only get this ONE go around. Make the most of it. Asking for A Friend. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. Jesus says ‘What’s up with that?”

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I am not strong: I am more.

My dad was tough on us.

We were supposed to get straight A’s. And, not just A’s. Where were the A+’s?!

We were supposed to be good in sports. Better than the boys even.

We were supposed to work harder than everyone else. You are too young to be tired ever?!

We were supposed to be seen but not heard. Why aren’t you speaking up?!

We were supposed to be grown even as children. Don’t cry! Why are you asking for that?!

Mom loved us but didn’t know how to SHOW/EXPRESS her love. She showed her love through her meals. She showed her love through cleaning. She showed her love through service to her church and every person in need.

The church taught us to keep our feelings to ourselves and ‘let go and let God’ without showing us what to let go of or HOW to let go.

Employers have taught us to keep it shut and do as we are told to earn a paycheck and not worry how we are going to retire. IF we are ever able to retire.

Add ALL these things together and you have one big ball of not knowing how to rest, dream or enjoy just being us.

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

My family, I suspect, is much like the family of every other family out there. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. Placed upon us by everything and everyone. Leaving us little to…*shrug*.

I finally found the courage to admit I am NOT strong. I am human. I can’t always get the highest grades. I can’t always beat the menfolk. I can’t always be at the head of the class.

I am more than those things, my heart shouts within me!

I am more.

I AM MORE!!

Aren’t I?

Aren’t you?

Aren’t we?

There is so much more I wish to do. That said, am I not enough if I never do those things?

I have never felt so weak. What a relief. I’m giving myself permission to NOT be strong. I don’t have to be strong. Not all the time.

I have been allowing my family and my friends to experience me in my vulnerableness. Before I only allowed folk to see me when I was at my strongest. ALL the time. How exhausting. SMH.

I plan on spending the rest of my days encouraging folk to be as weak as they need to be. We don’t have to be strong all the blasted time.

We can say ow when life hurts.

We can say kick rocks when The Universe is continually shoving hard down our throats.

We can say enough already when Life keeps telling us to take the blasted high road EVERY blasted time!

I am not strong.

Yet, I am more.

So are you.

being weak and that’s okay,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Nuff said. Give yourself permission. Asking for A Friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Enjoying me.

I’m learning how to enjoy me.

Who knew doing so would be sooooooooooooooooooooo hard?!

I don’t know how to:

Rest.

Not really. I’m like a shark: Ever moving. Thrashing about. Looking for sustenance. Somewhere. Somehow. Some kind of way.

I’m tired. Of circling. Of seeking and NOT finding.

God, in His Wisdom, saw fit to ask me to rest. For a while. For the sake of rest.

I have not been asked to save the world. I have not even been asked to try and save me. Just save some me time. To rest.

Ack.

There are moments when I find rest terribly draining. Rather, the seeking of the rest is the draining thing. One would think this would be easy. One would be wrong! At least for me.

The world tells us we are to be forever working and striving to build up a chest deep enough to sustain us for the rainy day.

What the world has NOT told us is what do we do on all the days until the ‘rainy days’ shows up. So we march on. And on. And on. And on. Until, we are broken, tired and wondering what in the holy fresh hell is all this and have we been wasting our time this entire time!!?

So I am back to trying to enjoy me.

What do I like?

What do I enjoy?

What do I want to do just for the sake of doing something I may like or enjoy?

55 keeps hollering for me to get back to the grind.

Reality keeps hollering for me to get back to the grind.

Fear keeps demanding I get back to the grind.

Doubt keeps reminding me what COULD happen if I don’t get back to the grind.

My heart says it is tired and ground up.

My empty bank account says hurry and get back to the grind.

God says to get off the grind and enjoy me.

My spirit says if I want to choose grind, make it be coffee grounds and grind my workaholic self to a standstill….hahahahahahahahahahaha! COFFEE GROUNDS!…*Cassandra thinks she is a hoot*.

I’m scared, beloveds. What if I run out of time to enjoy the time that I have? What if I choose wrong? What if I take too much time off? What if I choose the wrong steps? What if I go the wrong way? What do I do if I don’t…

Okay. Okay! I’m going!

*Cassandra gets off the grind and goes in search of some ‘enjoy’*….*Cassandra scrounges through the enjoyment bag and finds…*….hhmm.

Take care, beloveds. Enjoy your life. Just a bit.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have been enjoying The Olympics. Simone Biles is HER! If you don’t know what that means you are NOT a sports fan…lol.

If you find yourself on an endless grind of trying to fill your bank account, take some time to take some stock to see if this is fulfilling you. Are you happy? Are you going to continue on this path forever? When are you going to choose YOU and get off the chasing things grind?

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!