I have yelled at the tornado 🌪, for coming in and smashing up my life.
I have yelled at God for letting the damned tornado come in and smash up my life.
I have yelled at me for not being able to handle something small like an F4 🌪 tornado coming in and smashing up my life.
I have wanted to yell at family for…you get the point, beloveds. I have been wanted to yell at everyone and everything for my life being smashed up just now.
I even want to yell at mom, again, for having the absolute NERVE, to leave us all on Christmas morning 2016. Sheeeeeeeeeuut, mom. You could have waited and helped a sista out through this time.
The weeks, leading up to Christmas, are especially hard now. I have to gear myself up to NOT go into a dark place of unending mom grief.
I have done much better the past two years. This year, however,…whew!
I have fought the darkness ALL week. Relentlessly. I told myself I was okay. I told myself I would be okay.
One morning, the dark arrived and handed me a cup of ☕ coffee. I was too tired to resist. The dark remained. The dark remains. Now, I have one question:
What do you DO with the dark days?
I have thangs to do. I have a job to find. I have pieces to 📝 write. How can I DO these things in the dark?
I have asked God. He is as silent as it is dark.
I have asked The Universe. All I hear are crickets chirping.
I have asked my ♥ heart. My heart is too busy missing mom.
Thankfully, good habits came to the rescue. Good habits and 56 took charge. They sure are bossy!
I find myself dragging hard, fear, lonely, and grief out of bed each day. I ignore them. I make my ☕. I drink said coffee. I keep it pushing. I have thangs to do.
doing thangs in the dark, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. Your dark days shall have their end. In the meantime, know of a surety that you do not walk alone.
Remember, beloveds, that it is okay to not be okay until you are okay, once again. Okay?
I needed to remind myself of this. It’s okay to grieve mom. Yet, I shall show grief the door soon. Christmas is coming. I plan on spending it making mom some homemade brownies. Uh, oh!
Okay, I ATTEMPTED to make some delightful homemade brownies.
I in fact made…hmmm. I’m STILL doing the autopsy/after action report to determine what emerged from the bowels of the netherworld…🫣🤫🤔
Don’t judge me, beloveds! I saw. I came. I conquered. I tried…🧐😲😳
Just because I ran from the kitchen, shrieking in horror, beloveds, does NOT mean my experiment, er, baking, was NOT a success. It was. It was!
I would post 📸 photos, of said efforts, to prove how valiant I fought. Alas, I was advised by the food judge that I had committed a food crime and could NOT share said crime photos with the world. 😁🥰🤣
Sooooooooo, I decided to turn my disaster into a bit of encouragement for all those trying to bring a dream into fruition. Here goes nuttin’…
I wanted brownies. I wanted to MAKE some brownies. I was afraid to make the brownies.
Refusing to give way to fear, I determined to make the blasted brownies.
The only problem is I couldn’t remember WHERE, o dear Lord, WHERE, I had tossed the measuring cups(done in a fit of cleaning rage).
All I could find was 1 cup, 2/3 cup and 1/2 cup. How bad could this get?
NEVA, EVER, EVA, beloveds, ask oneself “How bad can this get?” when attempting to make homemade brownies, in an air fryer no less, for the first time at 56. Smh. The audacity of this can scarce be articulated. Smh 🤦♀️. Geeeeeeeez, Cassandra.
The ingredients called for:
1/4 cup water.
1/3 cup oil.
TWO eggs.
One box of generic brownie mix. Don’t judge me. I happen to love generic on most thangs.🫠😉😊
I forgot to mention I had cracked THREE 🥚 eggs to see if they still were good. They were good. I was going to have ham and eggs. I was too lazy to make ham and eggs.
Now, armed with THREE eggs. The brownie recipe specifically advised to use TWO eggs as using THREE would make the brownies “cake like”. I had no idea what the deal was with having “cake like” brownies. I would soon find out…
*Foreboding, foreshadowing music fo sho begins playing ominously…*
Armed with my trusty 2/3 cup, I tossed in oil, water, eggs and began beating for all I was worth. Smh.
Masterpiece mixed, I ceremoniously placed the baking dish in the air fryer. 🤦♀️ SMH. Dear God, WHY, Cassandra…
Theatrically setting the time of my demise, er, cooking time, I waited breathlessly for these perfect pan of brownies to emerge.
Hhmmm.
Hhmm?
What emerged had me feeling like…
Alas, I experienced, first hand, what “cake-like” truly LOOKS like. It looked like a chocolate mountain had been birthed smack dab in the middle of a pan of perfect brownies?!!
Of COURSE, the outside brownies were perfect. And, of COURSE, the blasted brownie mountain was NOT DONE BAKING!!!!
Refusing to be defeated by this monstrous brownie mountain, I lept into action! I donned my surgical garb and commenced doing emergency surgery on my dessert. I HAD to save it!!
Hours passed. Meteors rained down outside. Still, I allowed nothing to distract me as I worked to save my creation…
FINALLY, greatness arrived. Okay, not so much greatness as a huge pile of Cassandra CHOCOLATE Mishmash.
Hahahahahaha!!!
In my defense, beloveds, they were tasty. Terribly ugly. Wonderfully delicious. Much as our lives can turn out to be sometimes.
Sometimes, we use what we have and produce some interesting results. The moral of the story?
Don’t be afraid to use what you have. Don’t waste time being upset about not having all the utensils the recipe calls for.
Don’t be afraid to try. With what you have. Right NOW. Life is much too short to keep using the excuse you don’t have the right things.
Use what you have. 2/3 does not equal 1/4. So what? Make brownies anyway.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Stop waiting until things are perfect. They may never be. Get out there and LIVE. I love you.
Not even me. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps I can give up on the foolishness nothing that THIS old woman can produce something, with words, that will move mountains.
Am I a fool? Maybe so. I have been this fool for 56 years. I am foolish enough to believe still. Crapola.
I tell myself all this losing is leading me to finding something! I think. I hope. I wonder.
If you have experienced great loss, hang in there. Healing comes. It does.
I will NEVER get over losing mom on Christmas morning 2016. Still, I will enjoy her THIS Christmas as best as I can.
If you are feeling lost within your circumstance, you are not alone. You are not lost. Just a bit discombobulated. We shall find our footing again.
Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Our lives are not a dumpster fire. It just feels like it at times…😂
Have you been taking care of yourself, beloveds? If not, ten lashes with a wet noodle for you.
We spend entirely too much time caring for everything other than us. Yes, we love others. Still, we MUST find the time to LOVE US.
I can not believe it took more than two months to even begin to REST after leaving my job. But for the panic attacks, after the tornado, I would probably still be taking my burnt out self to work. I would have kept working whilst exhausted. I would still have been running my life into the ground tended to everyone save me. Smh.
The tornado did me a favor. Dumb thing to say, eh? I am hoping someone will take something from these words and decide to rest.
Wherever you find yourself, be sure to include plenty of selfcare.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Your life is much to priceless to treat as you have, eh? Value YOU. Yea, I know it hurts when others don’t seem to value what we have to offer.
A few hours ago, I admitted to my wombie that I almost decided to stop writing. Then, I thought of the person who needed to hear that they were loved and not alone. So, here I am. Tada.
Be, beloveds. Love SHALL find us. Wait. Patiently. In the meantime, love someone. Starting with you.
Meet my annoying friend want to. Want to is forever standing behind me, ready to apply a swift kick somewhere, to ensure my get up and go’s, get up and go…*pout*.
I keep reminding myself to be good to me, even when I don’t feel like it. Currently, I’m waging a war with lazy. Lazy does NOT want to begin this day. It looks as though it will be the SAME same old. Again. Stale!…*pout*.
My dreams are tantalizing me. They whisper today just may be THE day. Ha! I fell for THAT yesterday! And, the day before that. And, the day before that!!!!
Still, today just may be our day, eh? In any event, beloveds, we have to be good to ourselves. In the meantime. During the waiting.
Get out of bed. Take a walk. Tell lazy and fear to take a hike.
Then, do SOMETHING towards bringing your dream into reality. Doesn’t have to be a big thing. Just a something. Take just ONE step.
Me: YOU for one. Life for another. Hell, I am angry with a flipping tornado. I am angry You took mom away, Christmas morning, no less. Thanks for THAT present!!! Thanks for the flipping tornado. I really deserved THAT treat, didn’t I? It sure helped me trust You more, eh?!!…*stamps foot*
Me: I’m angry, God. Angry at all these blasted tests at my blasted age!!
God: I know, beloved. What are you going to DO about being angry?
Me: Why are You asking ME? Aren’t You supposed to be Mr. Fixitall?
God: What shall I fix? I can’t bring your mom back. She is too busy cheating at cards with Jesus.
Me:…lol. She DID like to cheat. Could you make it so the tornado never happened?
God: No.
Me: Can You make it so this hard is not so damned hard?
God: No.
Me: Why?
God: Great question. Keep asking.
Me: I am bloody tired of having to answer questions and make lemonade from absolutely ridiculously hard things!…*stamps foot*
God: I know. Keep going.
Me: Why?
God: Have you not thangs to do?
Me: I do.
God: Asking for A Friend…
Me: Crapola…*pout*
I find myself angry at the whole damned world. So what. It won’t bring mom back. It won’t take the stupid tornado back. It won’t fill up an empty bank account.
I told myself I was NOT going to keep my promise to myself and get on here and encourage folk. Not today, I said. I wanted to STAY angry. At least, I could control when and how long I could be angry. Dammit. So there!
I find myself dragging my mad 😡 to the keyboard. I find myself angrily swiping tears away as I encourage us all to keep moving FORWARD.
I find myself dragging my mad with me as I put on a kettle of water to make my ☕ with. I want to share my mad with mom and demand to know why in the fresh hell she left me.
I find myself wanting to climb upon The Father’s Lap so I can yell at Him a bit. I want to know where He has been as I have fought all this hard for al this long. I no longer care why things are so hard. I no longer want to be understanding that mom had to go and leave us.
Knowing why won’t bring lost things back. Knowing doesn’t make the hurt any less hurtful. Knowing why doesn’t change the circumstances.
That said, beloveds, understanding the why, can change how we view our circumstances. Our perception is everything. We can NOT afford to allow our perception to change our reality towards a hopeless bent.
I’m angry. So what? I choose to take mad with me as I try to find my way THROUGH this hard.
Be encouraged. REFUSE to allow anything to turn you into a helpless victim. Keep going. Be sure to keep digging your joy from the midst of tough tootsie roll mountain.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Only God knows how close I came to giving up. Okay, I did give up for a day and a half. I gave up on the foolish notion I wouldn’t make it out of this current hard…lol.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 