I have yelled at the tornado 🌪, for coming in and smashing up my life.
I have yelled at God for letting the damned tornado come in and smash up my life.
I have yelled at me for not being able to handle something small like an F4 🌪 tornado coming in and smashing up my life.
I have wanted to yell at family for…you get the point, beloveds. I have been wanted to yell at everyone and everything for my life being smashed up just now.
I even want to yell at mom, again, for having the absolute NERVE, to leave us all on Christmas morning 2016. Sheeeeeeeeeuut, mom. You could have waited and helped a sista out through this time.
The weeks, leading up to Christmas, are especially hard now. I have to gear myself up to NOT go into a dark place of unending mom grief.
I have done much better the past two years. This year, however,…whew!
I have fought the darkness ALL week. Relentlessly. I told myself I was okay. I told myself I would be okay.
One morning, the dark arrived and handed me a cup of ☕ coffee. I was too tired to resist. The dark remained. The dark remains. Now, I have one question:
What do you DO with the dark days?
I have thangs to do. I have a job to find. I have pieces to 📝 write. How can I DO these things in the dark?
I have asked God. He is as silent as it is dark.
I have asked The Universe. All I hear are crickets chirping.
I have asked my ♥ heart. My heart is too busy missing mom.
Thankfully, good habits came to the rescue. Good habits and 56 took charge. They sure are bossy!
I find myself dragging hard, fear, lonely, and grief out of bed each day. I ignore them. I make my ☕. I drink said coffee. I keep it pushing. I have thangs to do.
doing thangs in the dark, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. Your dark days shall have their end. In the meantime, know of a surety that you do not walk alone.
Remember, beloveds, that it is okay to not be okay until you are okay, once again. Okay?
I needed to remind myself of this. It’s okay to grieve mom. Yet, I shall show grief the door soon. Christmas is coming. I plan on spending it making mom some homemade brownies. Uh, oh!
I was just doing some chores when God laid you on my heart. I prayed for you as I washed dishes. I thanked God for meeting your needs as I prepared a meal.
Be encouraged, Antonia. Be fearless in pursuing all that sets your soul on fire.
Your youth is an asset. Your humor shall be your armor during tough days. Your integrity shall clothe all that you do. Your joy shall sustain you.
Keep standing toes down. Keep moving FORWARD. Don’t waste another moment on whether you can. You WILL.
Beloved, enjoy these days. They are all you have. Keep asking for what you need and want.
Don’t EVER allow quit in your vocabulary. The ONLY reason to do so is to tell yourself to quit complaining or being negative about your life.
Choose you. Love you. Don’t worry about timid souls who are too afraid to step to your brilliance. Keep shining. Keep being the light that you are.
Take a deep breath. Your dreams are fixing to overtake you. I am excited for you. Run towards them. Don’t worry about outcomes. Just enjoy what comes.
My food grows cold. Have an amazing rest of your week.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I have also prayed for everyone on my subscriber list. Don’t worry, I won’t call you out in here. If you would enjoy a personal word, shoot me an email. Be encouraged.
Not even me. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps I can give up on the foolishness nothing that THIS old woman can produce something, with words, that will move mountains.
Am I a fool? Maybe so. I have been this fool for 56 years. I am foolish enough to believe still. Crapola.
I tell myself all this losing is leading me to finding something! I think. I hope. I wonder.
If you have experienced great loss, hang in there. Healing comes. It does.
I will NEVER get over losing mom on Christmas morning 2016. Still, I will enjoy her THIS Christmas as best as I can.
If you are feeling lost within your circumstance, you are not alone. You are not lost. Just a bit discombobulated. We shall find our footing again.
Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Our lives are not a dumpster fire. It just feels like it at times…😂
Me: YOU for one. Life for another. Hell, I am angry with a flipping tornado. I am angry You took mom away, Christmas morning, no less. Thanks for THAT present!!! Thanks for the flipping tornado. I really deserved THAT treat, didn’t I? It sure helped me trust You more, eh?!!…*stamps foot*
Me: I’m angry, God. Angry at all these blasted tests at my blasted age!!
God: I know, beloved. What are you going to DO about being angry?
Me: Why are You asking ME? Aren’t You supposed to be Mr. Fixitall?
God: What shall I fix? I can’t bring your mom back. She is too busy cheating at cards with Jesus.
Me:…lol. She DID like to cheat. Could you make it so the tornado never happened?
God: No.
Me: Can You make it so this hard is not so damned hard?
God: No.
Me: Why?
God: Great question. Keep asking.
Me: I am bloody tired of having to answer questions and make lemonade from absolutely ridiculously hard things!…*stamps foot*
God: I know. Keep going.
Me: Why?
God: Have you not thangs to do?
Me: I do.
God: Asking for A Friend…
Me: Crapola…*pout*
I find myself angry at the whole damned world. So what. It won’t bring mom back. It won’t take the stupid tornado back. It won’t fill up an empty bank account.
I told myself I was NOT going to keep my promise to myself and get on here and encourage folk. Not today, I said. I wanted to STAY angry. At least, I could control when and how long I could be angry. Dammit. So there!
I find myself dragging my mad 😡 to the keyboard. I find myself angrily swiping tears away as I encourage us all to keep moving FORWARD.
I find myself dragging my mad with me as I put on a kettle of water to make my ☕ with. I want to share my mad with mom and demand to know why in the fresh hell she left me.
I find myself wanting to climb upon The Father’s Lap so I can yell at Him a bit. I want to know where He has been as I have fought all this hard for al this long. I no longer care why things are so hard. I no longer want to be understanding that mom had to go and leave us.
Knowing why won’t bring lost things back. Knowing doesn’t make the hurt any less hurtful. Knowing why doesn’t change the circumstances.
That said, beloveds, understanding the why, can change how we view our circumstances. Our perception is everything. We can NOT afford to allow our perception to change our reality towards a hopeless bent.
I’m angry. So what? I choose to take mad with me as I try to find my way THROUGH this hard.
Be encouraged. REFUSE to allow anything to turn you into a helpless victim. Keep going. Be sure to keep digging your joy from the midst of tough tootsie roll mountain.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Only God knows how close I came to giving up. Okay, I did give up for a day and a half. I gave up on the foolish notion I wouldn’t make it out of this current hard…lol.
Everything does NOT, beloveds, have to be a transaction. We don’t always have to get something out of our giving, do we?
Nowadays, folks are choosing to be transactional over every centimeter of life. How sad. Folks have forgotten the joy of just cuz giving/doing.
There is something priceless about giving/doing for the sheer pleasure of lightening someone’s load.
I apparently don’t get to see my dream come true today. Still, I CAN encourage someone to hang in there. They may get theirs today. Who knows? Mine may sneak in under the wire.
Reach out for someone today.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Okay, so you suppose to be out in these streets encouraging someone. Start with me…
