God: You rang?
Me: What are you talking about?
God: What were YOU, talking about?
Me: (Feigning innocence) What do you mean?
God: What were you whispering, deep inside, where no one could hear, but me?
Me: Busted.
God: You better ask somebody!
I had to admit it, to myself, first. Then, to someone else(wombie). Finally, to…Yikes!…God.
I was disappointed.
In, um, Him.
In, Him?
I WAS DISAPPOINTED IN HIM?!
I tell you, I was soooooooooooo afraid, beloveds, to even think that I had thunk such a thought!
Yikes!
Egads!
Why, was I disappointed, with Him?
Because, He had not answered my prayers.
Not, in the way, I thought He ‘should’.
Not, in the way, I thought He would.
Not, in the way, I knew, He could.
That’s the whole point, beloveds.
He, COULD.
Yet, He didn’t.
Not, for me.
Not, about that main thing, I had been believing, hoping, asking for.
One of the hardest things I have ever done was to admit that I was disappointed in myself. Harder still, was admitting I was disappointed with God. I was disappointed with friends I was even disappointed with my family
When I asked myself why, it turns out I had been expecting them all to read my mind. They should have known, what I needed. They should’ve known, how I feel. They should have known me, I thought to myself.
Yet, how could they know me? I didn’t allow them to. I gave them my money. I gave them my time. I gave them my hard work. I gave them my encouragement. Yet, I kept my heart to myself. I didn’t want to be a burden, I told myself. I didn’t want to burden them, with my small problems.
If I’m to be completely honest here, the person I was truly disappointing end was me. I should’ve done this. I should’ve gone there. I should of had this by now. I should’ve had satisfied now.
Should. Should. Should. Should. Should.
Enough already!
I lived, in a world of shoulds, which led to a lifetime of disappointment.
Being honest, with yourself, is not a whole lot of fun. It’s necessary. Being honest with God, can be terrifying. Yet, it’s necessary. It wasn’t really, actually.
Opening your heart, can be so scary. You just don’t know how your heart will be received. You don’t know if the person will understand. Half the time you don’t even know what to say, think, do. Even now, I don’t know what to say. What I’m trying to say. Not really.
It’s hard to talk about disappointment. It’s hard to even say the word disappointment. Disappointment is so disappointing. I’m tired of being disappointed. That said, I’m getting used to disappointment. As it turns out, disappointment has been a good friend to me, here lately.
Disappointment, is teaching me so much about life. Disappointment, a showing me what I find truly important about life. About, my life. The more I tried, to fit out this writing thing, the more I mess up.
And, the more I mess up, the more I laugh at myself. The more I laugh at myself, the more makes me want to try harder. The harder I tried, the more determined I become. The more determined I become, the more I want to succeed. The more I feel, the more disappointed I grow.
Yet, and all the disappointment, I continue to grow.
As I write these words, I’m enjoying music by my favorite artists. What if those artists, had given up on their dreams? I wouldn’t be able to enjoy their music! The only difference between them and me, is that they kept going. They kept fighting for their dream. Until, their music would be her for the whole world to hear.
Now, I write. Badly, at times Clumsily, at times. Yet, I write. I’m finding, disappointment is not as painful as I thought. Okay, it is, but I know it is building me into the me I always wanted, to be.
Get excited when disappointment shows up It can be your appointment with destiny!
Allow disappointment to be your friend. Allow disappointment to teach you about you. Allow disappointment to open doors to a great future for you and yours. Remember that change takes time. Sometimes, a lot of time. Enjoy this time in your life.
Learning from disappointment with you,
Cassandra
Note: it’s important, at times, to sit with your feelings. Don’t run from them. Process them. Then, move on. Then, move forward. Your future awaits you.
And the peanut gallery said:
You are loved.
You are not alone.
Keep on being… YOU.
