My heart was tired. It needed the rest. It needed to be loved. By me.
I gave my heart the rest it needed.
I ordered some cheese and grapes. I don’t know why, but eating cheese and grapes makes me feel special. It makes me feel pampered. I pampered myself. I loved myself.
We need to love ourselves more. We need to stop waiting for others to love us and love ourselves.
I just stopped to offer someone some grapes and cheese with me. Love yourself today.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is shorter than any of us knows or understands.
I HAD to. I got bills to pay. Grief wanted to wallow, wanted to stay in bed.
Real talk, beloveds, I wanted to indulge grief. For a time, I did. I didn’t boil my eggs. I didn’t make my morning coffee. I didn’t have my early morning quiet time.
I allowed grief to stay in bed. Grief shoulda told me the grumps would wake up with me!😳🤨
I told grief we were going to work. We were going to stay ALL day. We were going to figure it out. Some kind of way.
Grief was mad. Grief wanted to hide from life. I wanted to hide. I couldn’t. I can’t.
I HAVE to keep being about being about it. Some kind of way.
I was smart enough to reach out for support. I was smart enough to CHOOSE to encourage others. Doing so comforted me. Okay, it didn’t. But, still.🤷🏿♀️😎
Yea, beloveds, I started the day. I drug grief to work with me. I told grief to shut it.
Grief, in it’s wisdom, got mad at me. Knowing I NEEDED to grieve. Grief told Grace. Grace told Love. Love (ABBA), swept me up into His Arms. He whispered something to my heart. I don’t know what He said.
My heart asked me to trust her. I did. My heart walked me over to Grief. They negotiated a bit of space for me to grieve. Love stood close by. Grace stood outside the door. Jesus quietly took my hand and promised to guard my tears.
I was no longer mad at Grief. I appreciate the space to let my heart do as it needs to. Fresh hell.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
I promise, beloveds, not to fill my year with loss. I do look forward to 2026. I am hopeful. Okay, not quite yet but I get closer to joy every day.
I’m back to making my coffee. I’m back to getting out of bed and spending my me time of coffee and yakking with mom and now sis.
I’m even back to sharing me with fam and friends. Before, I was giving folk the sanitized version so they wouldn’t worry.
It was because of y’all’s honesty, here, that gave me the courage and permission to be 100 with everyone. Even with me. Especially, with me.
My coffee is getting cold. Would enjoy some company…
Note: Am currently making chicken salad out of…*sigh*
Actually, I’m having a cup of coffee and watching the game with sis and mom.
I’m glad I reached out to my job and let them know I needed time to breathe. I have read all the advice and care here and acted.
I took off my cape. I asked for support. I made sure NOT to blow up my relationships as I work my way through this grief.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
Do NOT use grief or loss or anger or hard times or bills or circumstances to give you permission to be harmful to yourself or others. You don’t deserve that. The folk in your life don’t deserve that.
I am in my too annoyed to use commas phase. It’s my one luxury today. Apologies. My mad want to take away something because of what was taken from me. Fresh heckamiah.
Be encouraged. This, too, shall pass. See? I got some comma act right…hehe.
Keep on living. Keep on lifing WITH life. Make the most of things. Make the best of the rest of it.
We got to, beloveds. We got thangs to do.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Beloveds, I honestly don’t know what thangs I am supposed to be doing, just now. My body is fighting with me. My finances are cracking up. Sleep is constantly running from me.
Still, I fight on. Okay, I stagger on. Just barely. Holy Toledo, God. What in the fresh hoohah do I DO with me now? Asking for a friend.
This morning, I did all of these things. I said ow. I said “uncle”. I phoned a friend(my big bros). I reached out to work and let them know grief was louder than my try.
I’m on an LOA for 10 days. Long enough to get some sleep. ALL I have wanted to do, for the past few weeks, is to simply sleep for a few days. Just to catch my breath.
My heart told me to. My spirit told me to. My wallet said to forget about sleep and push through. My body overrode everything and everyone and stubbornly refused to take another step without rest.
I just stopped by to encourage someone to keep on reaching out. Don’t give up. Understand that hard can truly be hard and you are NOT a failure for being human.
I feel like a huge failure today. Sis would think I was being a big baby. She would have encouraged me to BE a big baby and rest. I don’t know how to without her. Crapola!
I just placed an order of grapes and cheese and going to spend the afternoon missing my twin and being okay with missing her.
We got this. Kinda. Sorta. I think…lol.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I appreciate all the care folk have shown these weeks. Doing my best to encourage and uplift best I can with a busted heart. Be encouraged. Joy IS coming for us. Until then, we are NOT alone in our darkness.
Stop tripping when life cuts up, trips the circuit breaker, and stops you from doing a stupid, being stupid, running with stupid, or life is appearing to be stupid.
Life is lifing. Simple as that.
Life is NOT trying to indict you. Life, at times, gets all up in your grill to indict your:
Lack of effort.
Lack of your keeping it 100 with you.
Lack of your being 100 with God.
Lack of keeping your act right acting right.
You allowing YOUR pride to keep you from healing a wound, restoring a relationship, acting in integrity.
You allowing YOUR anger to wreck a relationship, close a door meant to stay open, open a door you KNOW ought stay shut.
Beloveds, when God/Life/The Universe puts up a stop sigh/sign, it would behoove you to:
Stop.
Look.
Listen.
Drop and roll, if need be, to put out the fire. It doesn’t matter who started it. It doesn’t matter why it got started. It’s an emergency. Put out the fire!
You do NOT have time to lament what is burning down. You have ZERO time to be angry over the destruction. Put out the stupid fire! There will be time to assess, process and hopefully not regress.
I have learned, I am learning, I am relearning to make choices, to act, to DO, to stand and act on FAITH. Not fear. Not anger. Not unbelief.
Life is what we make. Life truly is NOT fair, more often than not. That’s okay. Let life do what life does. You keep on being and doing you.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is incredibly hard just now. Folks tell me to take things a day at a time. I find the minutes excruciating, just now. If someone can help me with that I’d appreciate it.
Be encouraged. I wish I had someone to tell that to me. I am doing my best to make something of these dark days. Morning sure is taking a long time to get here, God. Not sayin. Just sayin…..
The lights went out. Turns out it was a circuit breaker that had tripped. I turned the power back on. The flip of one tiny switch.
I wish life could be that simple. It’s not. I wish I could hide from life right now. I can’t.
Right now, I’m afraid. My blood pressure is through the roof. ALL I see is a lifetime, of emptiness, without my twin. I want to scream. I keep getting well-meaning advice.
I keep being told to keep trying, keep working, keep on keeping on.
I’M TRYING TO DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I try. Every damned minute of every damned day since my twin died. I keep wanting to scream:
“She DIED yall!”
She is NOT coming back. All this talk of moving forward and moving on is too damned fast. For me, anyway.
I just stopped ’round, truly, to talk to someone who is going through a tough patch. Be encouraged. It’s okay to NOT be okay until you are okay. Then, you may backslide and find yourself a heaping helping of WTH. That’s okay. It has to be.
I have been working on a beautifully inspirational piece about God knowing sis would not make it to 2026 and would help me find my way there. To hell with all that right now, God! What in the actual heckamiah?
I’m too tired to be mad. I can’t be mad at sis. She was ready to kick it with Jesus. I don’t blame her. Fresh hell, sis. How in all that is holy, didja leave me at THIS time? Could you have, at the very least, spent a last Christmas with me? Lingered and celebrated New Year’s? Stayed around and got me til Spring…crapola.
Don’t trip, beloveds. Reach up and flip the circuit breaker. It’s what that box is for. Neatly labeled. Ready. Just waiting for life, er, the lights, to trip and go off. Don’t sweat it. Turn the lights back on.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. We can. We have to. Some kind of way. Life goes on, doesn’t it?
I choose that which grows my spirit and uplifts others.
What do YOU choose, beloveds? There ARE no victims here. Life is what we make of it out of the many, many, many choices we choose to make, to ignore, to digress, to abdicate.
We choose or others will choose for us. If you allow that to happen, beloveds, don’t get mad at them for using you, devaluing you, dismissing you, discouraging you. You allowed it.🤷🏿♀️😁🤔
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 