Category: Writing

I told God it’s okay. It’s not.

I find myself in a quandary.

I sooooooooooooooooo want to tell God to kick rocks, today.

I’m angry.

Mom is gone.

Mom is gone, dammit!

I am TIRED of going around this stupid grief mountain!

For the most part, I am okay. Will be sailing along. Okay, until I am not. Then, I will have found grief all snuggled up in my snuggy and waiting for me, cup of coffee, in hand.

Dammit!!…*Cassandra snatches the cup of coffee from grief, and swallow bitter tears*

Fresh hell.

*sigh*.

I’m not angry. Not, really. Just not okay, today. I will be. I don’t let grief stay too long. Grief is much too greedy and will swallow your day, whole, if you allow it. Nah, grief, I got thangs to do.

I told God it’s okay. It’s not. Good thing I know that it is perfectly okay to not be okay until you are okay, again.

I stopped by, beloveds, yet again, to let you know to be as not okay, as you need to be. You don’t have to have it together ALL the time. There are times when the LAST THING you want to do is to be together.

Altogether now:

Ack!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, okay, we got that scream outta the way. Only about 90 more to go, for me.

I did NOT want to do this day, today. Not, today. I wanted to:

Stay in bed, eating fruit snacks and carrying on about the unfairness of being an orphan at near 55, alone, dreams unfulfilled and have a whale of a time, feeling sorry for me.

Nah, beloveds, I had things to do. So, I got up. Stamped to, the bathroom. Stormed, from the bathroom. Tore, into the kitchen. Angrily, snatched eggs, butter, shredded cheese, from the fridge. Pouting, I madly stirred, said ingredients. Flippantly, I flipped those whipped eggs, into shape.

While doing so, I whipped my angry/sad/mad/frustrated/missing mom self, back into some form of act right. Meaning, I called my wombie, worked her last nerves and hung up, sad/mad/frustrated.

Long story short, I dragged ALL my feels up Joy Mountain. I turned on some uplifting music, ate breakfast, got to work, then got to work telling myself it’s okay to not be okay, for a while.

After a while, I forgot all about being sad. I was too grateful for being able to work from home, the wonderfully uplifting music, for my wombie who listened to my ramblings, and for scrambled eggs!

Longer story made shorter: Life is tough. Grief ain’t no joke. It’s okay. Keep going. NO matter what. Talk with those who love you. Love on you, as best you can. Scramble some eggs. Be encouraged. We got this, eh?

Sad but okay,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: You are loved and not alone….

Dear 55: I have fallen. I don’t want to get up, today.

Dear 55,

You will be here, in a few weeks.

I want to be angry, with you. So what!

Mom won’t be here.

Dammit.

I found I am fighting anger, today. Anger, at mom. For leaving me to have to fight with sad, who wants to visit, who I can NOT allow to stay around. I have things to do. I have a life to pretend, er, live.

Fresh hell.

55, how the hell am I supposed to celebrate you? I feel like I am 5, without mom.

I fought with the night. ALL night. Now, me and day are arguing. I am TIRED DAMMIT!

It’s not your fault, 55. It’s not even mom’s fault. It was her time to go.

It’s just that forever is such a long time. I can barely hold the word, in my heart. Not, today.

I look at my shattered laptop. I looked at my heart, now shattered. What do I DO with it? This, my heart? Who will care for it? I am alone. Yet, not.

I must go, 55. I have work, to do. I have to get up, today. I HAVE to. Crap.

going on while wanting to punch something in the face,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: The heck if I know. Keep going. Oh, yea:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Note 2: It’s okay, to hurt. Let someone know when you are not okay, okay? Asking for Your Friend…

Start fresh.

I woke.

Early.

Refreshed.

Ah.

Feels good.

I have left yesterday, with yesterday.

Me and today, have thangs to do.

As do you.

Get to doing your thangs.

Uh, oh!

I feel silly wanting to get all up in me, today.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Laugh.

Live.

Love.

Start fresh.

Forget what happened, yesterday.

You and today, got thangs to do.

Get to it.

getting to it with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: What the world you still doing here?! Get going. Love someone, today. Start with you. Asking for A Friend…

Lesson learned.

So, that just happened!

*pout*

*Cassandra stares at her now water bed, after spilling water, evvvvvverywhere!*…hhmm…*Cassandra kisses a last nap goodbye*

*pout*

The Universe told me to change the sheets.

Lazy, I told The Universe, I would change the sheets on Saturday.

The Universe got jokes, today.

Sheesh!

Lesson learned.

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Are you kidding?! Best change the sheets, when told to do so. Also, keep on keeping on, no matter what!

Yesterday, was hard. So what? Today, is a new day. Laugh, in this day. Love, in this day. Start with you. Move on, to me. Then? Beats me. Let’s go love on folk, shall we?

Perspective: focus on what you do have, not on what you didn’t get.

Okay.

Ehem.

Ooops.

My bad.

I sowwy.

well, then…*Cassandra tips out of the room, after her foolish and unneeded temper tantrum*….*discreet cough*….*blush*.

It helps to have perspective. It can save you an embarrassing temper tantrum. For years, I thought I had been treated unfairly, financially, by my job. In a way, depending on how you look at it, I had.

Twice, my job changed it’s pay structure, to meet market demands. Yet, I never received those raises. You see, I had worked, for years, to make the small increases, I did. I was highly hacked, to my consternation, that folk off the street, would be making the same pay as me!

I had worked, FOR YEARS DAMMIT, for that pay. Now, new folks would stroll in and make what I made!

I thought this terribly unfair. In a way, I still do.

I have been praying and asking God to increase my finances. My bills are no longer sustainable, with the pay and make now. Last night, I asked for him to move for me, financially, today.

This morning, I received an email they were changing my work designation. It would be more work, of course, but I will receive an increase of pay. Everyone would. New folk, again, would receive a nice raise. As for me, the rays would only be a few pennies. I was livid. Again!

I yelled. Loudly. I fumed. I acted a complete fool. That is, until, God told me to look at things in a different perspective. He told me to look up the salaries for people in my field, and the state where I live now. He told me to look at the minimum wage. What I was making, and fat, was a good 50% more than most people in the state. I felt like an idiot.

In addition, due to the change in my work designation, my bonus would potentially increase by 30% each year. I began to study what other states may and their cost of living. I am blessed. I work from home. I have made more than most, around here.

Yes, it’s on the low end of my field. Yet, it’s on the high end, compared to others in the state. Many other states, make less than half of what I make. I don’t know how they are making out.

I was so focused, beloved, I what new people with made. I fail to see, God was taking care of me right now. It just goes to show you, you can be blessed, being them. You can be taken cared of, right where you are at. It’s all in how you look at things.

Do yourself a favor, beloved. Look at the whole picture. Focus on what you have, right now. Don’t worry, about what others may or may not have. They may need more than you, anyway.

I am grateful for the extra pennies. Every penny counts. I am grateful for lessons learned. I am grateful for the hard. No, I don’t like so much hard all the time. Yet, I continue to grow, every time I choose to look at things in the right perspective.

Life is tough right now, financially, for everyone. Don’t let tough financial times keep you from living a joyful life. Be encouraged. Things will get better. In the meantime, make sure you continue to move forward.

I think I hear a cup of coffee calling me. I also think brownie said don’t forget about me!

Take care of you. Don’t allow your feelings to determine what you would do we your day. Don’t allow circumstances to determine what you would do with your day. This is the day the Lord hath made. Rejoice and be glad in it.

Rejoicing,

Cassandra

Note: today was harder than I would like to admit. Even to me. Even for me. I lost. A lot. I gained. I live I would love. A lot I will rejoice. A lot wife, because Jesus loves me. A lot he loves you as well. Be well…

Keep believing in YOU!

Keep believing in YOU! https://www.instagram.com/reel/CySBQVeusfj/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

I have to tell you this piece had ME fired up!

Keep believing in YOU, beloveds.

caring for your life,

Me

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: How you needing a note after that?!

Thanks.

Thanks, wombie.

For, watching my back.

Thanks, fam.

For, loving me.

Thanks, friends.

For, caring for a blockhead, like me.

Thanks, Father.

For, loving me, mess ups and all.

Thanks, Universe.

For, believing I could ask and receive.

Thanks, me.

For, trying.

Thanks, beloveds.

For, taking the time, to be loved by a goofhead, like me.

I thank you.

all my love,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s good to give thanks. Who are you grateful for? Let them know. Love someone. Start with you. And the people said:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I told hurt it doesn’t hurt. I lied.

I told hurt it doesn’t hurt. I lied.

I was excited. I thought I had wrestled my dreams to the ground. Finally. Finally!!

I rushed to the door.

Flung the door wide, excitedly told dreams to come right on in. Nothing was there. Again. Again!

Tiredly, I close the door. Again. Again!

I told myself it didn’t hurt. I told myself I was okay. I wasn’t. I lied.

Apparently, this was just another test. Another opportunity to write an inspiring piece to encourage the world. Crap! Why the hell can I inspire the world with a piece about a fulfilled dream?!

I woke, to another bill I could not pay. I woke, to test news, from a friend, a could not fix. I woke, to horrible global news that I could not fix. I told myself, I was okay about these things. I told myself, I did not hurt. I lied.

Today, hurts.

A lot.

No smiles, today. Not yet, anyway. I shall sit, with my hurt. For a while, anyway. It’s not okay, today. But then again, that’s okay.

Hurting today,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Today hurt. I used the hurt, to fuel me. I wrote. I encouraged, others. I encouraged, myself. I worked. Life goes on. Sometimes, life sure is hard. And, that’s completely okay. As we shall be. Be encouraged. Remember your loving you are not alone. Neither, am I.

I told disappointment it’s okay. It’s not. But that’s okay.

I told disappointment it’s okay. It’s not. But that’s okay.

I’m disappointed.

Again.

Initially, I told myself that it was okay. That I was okay. It’s not. I’m not. But, that’s okay.

I will be.

I will try, again.

When, I’m okay.

It hurts, today.

Again.

But, that’s, okay.

I will be, okay.

Crap!

disappointedly here,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I was certain, today would be the day. I was certain, something I had been hoping for would be available, today. It wasn’t. At first, I started to tell myself, it was okay. It wasn’t. It’s not. And, that’s okay.

I must admit, beloveds, there are days, when remaining hopeful, is awfully difficult. Today, is one of those days. I want to cry. I don’t have time. I have to work. So, I was good to myself. I turned on some uplifting music. It soothed my soul. Yet, my heart remains broken. Still, I am hopeful. Maybe, tomorrow.

One step.

One step.

One step.

Keep going. Even when it’s hard. Especially, when it’s hard.

I was feeling extra pitiful. I was listening to some beautiful piano music. I looked up at the screen and saw the Scripture:

Romans 12:12 – rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer.

I admit it. I wanted to pout. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to carry on about feeling picked on. I wanted to hide in bed, eating mini brownies for the rest of the day.

I did none of those things. I got to work.

I prayed. I rejoiced. I remain steadfast. Sigh.

I want to tell my try to kick rocks. My try, you see, just won’t let me give up on me in my dreams. Crap! Sigh…

I wish…

I hope…

I dream…

Dreaming still…

Broken: I have fallen but I shall get up.

Wow!

So THAT just happened.

*Cassandra stairs at the shattered computer screen while shaking her head in disbelief.*

I was just writing some pieces about staying encouraged and not giving up no matter what. I have been writing, on my work break. The work break, was over. I feel. I hurt my knee. The only thing saving me, from serious injury, was bracing myself using my laptop. It was either the laptop or me. Or, my 50 inch television. I chose the laptop.

Now, I write these words through the small bit of screen left. Still, I write. With scraped up knees, I write. With sore fingers, I write. With tears in my eyes, I write.

Ironically, I was in mid sentence talking about the need to continue doing what was necessary, even when it’s hard. I look at the spiderweb, now called my computer screen, and cry. I love my laptop. They don’t make them this way anymore.

I spent the next 15 minutes texting some a few friends and my family. A friend called and prayed for me. She told me she loves me. She told me I should know how much I was loved. Tell that to my shattered dreams, my heart says. Tell that to my shattered computer, my tired souls says.

I’m trying, desperately, to make lemonade out of these lemons. I can’t. My hand hurts. My heart hurts. Ah, well. What a week I am having, I tell myself, with a laugh. I think I should go talk to The Father about this. Maybe, He will say words that will comfort my spirit. I hope so.

No weapon…

I have fallen. I shall get up! I have to. Life is short. I have pieces to finish. I have a life to live. I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to stop encouraging people. If I have to do that from a shattered screen, so be it.

I don’t know how I will make my way, financially. God knows. I trust Him. I shall wait, patiently. That said, I hear a good cry calling for me.

Be encouraged, beloved. No matter what happens. All things really will work for your good. I don’t know what lesson today was supposed to teach me. All I know, as I refuse to allow how I feel to stop me from encouraging you. From encouraging me.

You’re a know what I’m about to say:

You are loved.

You are not alone. Keep on being you.

Broken but joyful still,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: keep moving forward, beloved. Always, forward. The rest, if you must. Then, keep moving…

Forward. Life is what to make it. Make it a good one. I promised me that I would have allowed nothing to get in my way. Including, me. Especially, me! In the past, I would have been distraught I would have blamed the universe. I would’ve blamed God. I do what have taken to my bed.

Now, I don’t have time. I have a life to live. So you. Shattered, broken, no matter. We are still here. Life is still worth living. God is still good.. I’m so thankful for all that I have. I’m so thankful for all the hard floor, hard just keeps introducing me to another side of me. I like this me.