Whew!
What a weekend. Would not wish it on an enemy.
Tears.
Tears.
Thoughts of binge eating.
Told those thoughts to kick rocks. I no longer allow tough times to give myself permission to be harmful to myself, by comfort eating, neglecting me time, and all the other things we tend to do, to ourselves, when we are really going through. Not sure where we got the okay that it’s okay to be mean, to ourselves, when we think life, circumstances or other things are being mean, to us…smh.
I thought I was just frustrated from work being work. Pulling the thread, I realized I was feeling a bit sad about mom. Not a lot. Okay, more than I cared to admit. Once I was honest, with me, I was able to process and be okay with not being okay.
Grief will sneak up on you and…
WHEW!
You find yourself okay, one second, then what the world was THAT, the next.
I am doing my utmost, to keep it moving, even when I don’t want to keep it moving, when it comes to grief/loss/tough circumstances.
I can admit to having a few temper tantrums, with God, Life and The Universe for being ‘unfair’ about this, that and the other thing.
I am hoping to save some folk, from wasting too much of life, having temper tantrums that do little more than rush us towards chocolate donuts and foolishness.
I mention these things for folk who may be struggling. I sure wish I had these words, years ago. It took years to snatch my heart from underneath mountains of grief and despair.
There IS healing/peace/love/joy, on the other side of losses where you think you will never be the same. In a way, you never will be the same. The rose-colored glasses, gets violently removed, when something/someone we love are suddenly removed.
I have found, Life had been holding onto my dreams, for me. I found, God/The Universe, had been holding onto my heart, for me. I was much, much too hurt, to take care. To take care of, those things. To take care, of me.
ALL I wanted to do was to stop the hurt, from hurting. I did not care how. I did not care, why. I honestly, did not want to care, period. Caring, about the lost love/situation/dream, just made the loss, that much hard, it seemed, to bear.
I ate my way through bags of chips. I dared not, drink too much. I had enough sense not to pour alcohol, on those wounds. Initially, I did. The first 11 days, after mom passed, I stayed rip roaring drunk. On day 12, I felt mom’s disapproving start. Sobered up. Promised her, and me, to not use alcohol, to quiet the hollering grief, raging through every area of my life/heart/mind/soul/spirit.
It took a while, quite some while, to claw my way, back to the sunshine. The sun, had been shining, the whole time. Hard to realize/understand, while being in the dark.
I just wanted to encourage someone(s), who may be hiding, in the dark. That’s okay. Just be sure not to hide, what you are going through. Let someone know, you are hurting. Your heart, matters. Your tears, matter. Your pain, matters. Time we all stop hiding, from ourselves, from God, from Life, from The Universe, from one another.
I think mom would be proud of me.
I’m okay, today. May not stay that way, leading up to her birthday. I am taking things, as they come. Loss is tough. The tough parts, come in waves. At least they have for me. I have made peace with the loss. Rather, I have made peace that my heart may not always be at peace, because of the loss(es).
Be encouraged, beloveds.
Life is good.
Even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.
The hard, forces us to keep TRYing. The hard, taunts us into moving forward. The hard, stops us from giving up/in. So long as we CHOOSE to embrace and deal with it. I thank God, for, the hard. Not, the loss. But, the hard, the loss has produced.
The hard, gives me the energy to try, just a little. Then, a bit more. Until, I find myself, on the other side of the dark.
Joy, shall come, beloveds.
Be encouraged.
I shall carry your heart, in my pocket, so I can keep you company, thorugh your hard. I shall put some fruit snacks and a good read, in there. Save some for me, eh? I may need some, tomorrow. I no longer chase tomorrow, though. Too much goodness to squeeze out of today.
joyfully sad,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: It’s hard, oftentimes, to hear past roaring pain/hurt. If you are still, you can hear and feel, the quiet breeze of comfort, gently blowing all around you. Can you hear it? Can you feel it? I can. I do.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 