Category: Writing

X marks the spot: Why am I HERE?

Why am I HERE?

WHY, am I here?

Right here?

Doing this? Whatever the hell THIS currently is.

I get up. I wander around. I gather the scrapings left from the bus that ran over my face late last year.

I look at this life called me and laugh. What in the fresh hell is THIS? What, in the name of all that is holy, did God leave me HERE, at this time, at this spot, at this moment?

Crapola. God knows I enjoy a good mystery. Now, I have to stick around and find out. You got jokes, God. But, nothing is funny, at the moment. What do I DO with me now?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I want to tell the whole world to kick rocks. I want to hide, in this pain, forever. I want this hurt to punish me for not being there, at the end, for my twin. Her last hours were spent without me there. Just like mom.

I don’t understand why life has me HERE when everything happened over THERE!

I made a promise to myself that I would encourage others at my toughest moments. Why? Because, I could not imagine how folks, with little or no hope, made it through tough times.

I see glimpses of me, mixed in with all this grief. I see smudges of sunlight and hope. I’m trying to figure out HOW to get there.

In the meantime, beloveds, I turn on the light. I make a cup of coffee. I get out of bed.

Beloveds, if you are struggling just now, get out of bed.  DO something. Anything. Take out the trash.

Whatever you do, do NOT allow yourself to stay in a dark and unproductive place.

See, loss is just testing you. Loss wants to show you, well, YOU. Loss brings out the REAL us.

Loss speaks to the heart of us. Loss asks us who/what we think we are:

Loss: How much are you worth? Who is going to love you now that I have taken everything? Has any of your efforts meant anything apart from what you can and have given?

Beloveds, we are here to provide more than a paycheck to the world. We are more than a paycheck.

At my lowest moments, sis ALWAYS encouraged me to keep trying. Sis let me know how much I meant to her and others.

I just stopped by to encourage someone who was wondering WHY they are HERE.

I don’t know your HERE. I’m sure it’s being a pain. I DO know we SHALL get past HERE. How do I know? Cuz, God has sent us over THERE. We can’t get THERE til we finish up HERE.😎🧱🎯

Be encouraged. Hang in there.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Anger said to push them(love) away. Love said no and showed up anyway.

 I keep wanting to push everyone away.

I tell myself that nobody understands. I tell myself all kinds of dumb things. I tell myself….

I think I need to tell myself to shut up, beloveds.

I refuse to allow my pride to keep love away. I have done that more than I would care to admit. Dummy me. I am trying not to be quite so dumb. I have failed. Spectacularly. It’s a good thing failure is not fatal. I think….hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I’m trying to laugh. I have to. I ran out of Kleenex….hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

I really did run out of Kleenex. Four boxes. Smh.

I just stopped ’round to encourage folk to NOT push love away. Us humans do some silly stuff from time to time.

I wanted to give a bit of love, today. I needed some, for myself, but didn’t want to sit around waiting for love to come and find me. I am doing my best to love as many folks as will stop by. I appreciate your stopping by today.

Be encouraged. Make today amazing. Love someone. Starting with YOU.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I love me some you.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

My heart still wants.

My heart still wants.

My heart still dreams.

My heart still hopes.

Crap.

wanting/hoping/dreaming still,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going, beloveds. I have been up for hours. Hoping. Dreaming. Believing. Ah, wombie, help me through these next moments. What do I DO with all this hope when ALL seems lost? Asking for many friends.

Don’t give up, beloveds. Not just yet. We have thangs to do, remember?

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Fail as often as you can in 2026.

Fail as often as you can in 2026.

Failure contains soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many nuggets, laughter, blessings, experience, tenacity and so many other good things.

I have failed at least fifty million thousand bajillion and 17 times already. Wow. 2026 is starting with a bang.

Failure does NOT make us failures. Failure is just an interesting way of falling flat on our faces…hahahahahahahahahaahahaahahahaha!!

failing graciously(NOT!)
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Have an amazing day. I have had fun digging laughter and joy up from underneath all this failure. Goodness and gravy!

I can NOT tell you how many times I have wanted to throw in the towel and tell the entirety of the world to kick rocks! Ack. Smh.

Keep going, beloveds. If I have to, you certainly have to….

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

It’s okay to feel left out.

It’s okay to feel left out.

It’s okay to feel hopeless.

It’s okay to feel useless.

It’s okay to feel less than.

So long as you understand the opposite can feel just as real and true.

Our feelings can be all over the place. They have their use. They are important. They just can’t have the last, the only, the all knowing say.

We must take them into account. We must also acknowledge our feelings can and WILL lead us astray if we don’t add counsel, sound judgment, knowledge, humor, etc. to the equation.

 Just remember, just because we feel some kind of way doesn’t make it so.

I’m feeling a bit left out. That’s okay. I think…lol.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Feel what you feel. Then, remind your feels who is in charge…hehe.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Come out of hiding, life said to me.

Life: What are you doing under there?

Me: Hiding.

Life: Come out from under there.

Me: I’m afraid.

Life: Of what?

Me: I never know what You are going to do next.

Life: You were never meant to, beloved. How would you be able to truly live if the outcome was predictable and predetermined?

Me: Isn’t it, tho?

Life: You tell me.

Me: Ah.

Life: Aha!

*Cassandra begins to look at life in a new/different way*

pondering life,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is what WE make it. The last few days have been unbelievably painful/sad. My misser just won’t stop missing my twin. My hoper just won’t stop hoping for a gentler/kinder/easier 2026.

Keep going, beloveds. Am currently jamming to some uplifting music. I am also fixing to turn my motivational videos on. I also need to call my friend. I avoided his call. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know what to tell me.

Today, I know:

“Get up, Cassandra. You got thangs to do”.

Ah, God, I am doing my best to encourage as many as I can with all this hard. Yikes.

I do still love You, Father. I am amazed that I am NOT angry with you for letting sis go home. She was ready. I’m not. Too many unknowns in the playoffs and there are 9 job openings in the NFL. Also, I have to get back to work and figure out how to NOT fail so spectacularly every other five minutes.

Beloveds, get up. Enjoy your day. Embrace your day. Find the joy in there. Sis would be pissed if I spent ALL day in bed wailing about her being gone.

Be encouraged. In case no one has told you today: I love you and so does He.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Truth, no matter the teller, is a blessing.

😳

🧱

🤔

🍋

😡

🤷🏿‍♀️

👍

😎

🔊

🛎

⏳

👍

🎯

The emojis saved my fingers but conveyed ALL my feelings after FINALLY finding out WHERE in the fresh heckamiah the stupid bugs were coming from.

Wtw?!

I had to have one of the back walls cut out to fix something going on back there. Then, after the stupid tornado, after they had to replace the roof, I was fighting Armageddon.

I was well equipped. Finally, I got a stash of bombs to go to actual war. First, I had to know where Thanos was hiding his army.

The other day, I was tired. Tired. Tiiiiiiiiiiired. I prayed. I asked God to show me where.

This is where, smh, I have gots to add a PSA…😳

Beloveds, do try to be a tad more specific when you ask God/Life/The Universe to reveal things to you. They got jokes. They can and DO deliver your answer in a variety of ways. Don’t go getting mad at them for giving you what you stupidly, er, hastily, er, not thinkingly asked for.

Back to my story…*sigh*

I prayed and asked to find out where the source of the bugs were coming from. I decided to do a load of laundry. I had music blaring loudly. When I went to put the laundry in the dryer, there was water everywhere! Fresh heckamiah.

Alas, beloveds, the dryer had danced it’s way out of it’s resting place. In its place was water, water, water, and more water. Steam started to come from the wall. The steam, I guess, stirred where the blasted bugs were hiding.

A Thanos battle ensured. Spray went every which a way. I hollered. I screamed. I raged at everything, at everyone, at all of life.

At least, beloveds, I knew where to put the bombs to get rid of these stupid bugs. See, maintenance is rebuilding all the apartments the tornado damaged. It’s a super old building. In tearing out the old, to replace with the new, old irritants, like these stupid bugs, have invaded my space.

I can’t be mad at these dumb bugs. They were here first. All I can do, now, is to keep on fighting until they decide to move on. A life metaphor. I think.

I HAVE to think that way. Why? Because I would move the heck out of dodge! I detest bugs!!!….*shiver*.

I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.

Don’t get mad when truth shows up in ways you did not expect. It may not be delivered on a bed of roses. It may be delivered on a pile of, uh-oh. Receive truth where it can be found. Don’t get mad when truth shows up to show you where the bugs are. Just get to fighting those bad boys when they show up…lol.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life sure has been lifing. That’s okay. I’m still being about being about it. I don’t recognize this me. The me I am becoming. I look at her with curiosity. This me. This particular shade of me has been more resilient, more shaky, more unsure, more humble, more peculiar, more grateful than I would have thought or suspected.

Ah, me, what do I do now? Asking for a friend.

Be encouraged, beloveds. We can do so much more than we ever imagined.

I’m living for ME. Not for sis. Not because she died. She died. I will miss her for the rest of my life. Still, my life was meant to go on without her HERE. I still love her. She still loves me. I just have to love her in a different way.

Beloveds, lay down the weight of anger at life having given you a loss. Yes, loss hurts. Still, WE are here. Still, we have opportunity to grow, to love, to laugh, to rejoice.

We can STILL do all the things we wanted. Without some loved ones. Without some things we thought we would take with us. That’s okay. We have what we need to advance, to love, to grow.

Keep going. Keep moving FORWARD. Keep looking UP. It’s hard. I’m not saying it’s easy. I AM saying it is doable. How do I know? I fight my way out of bed EVERY day. I fight on. Why? Life needs me. Life needs YOU, beloveds.

The world NEEDS what only we can share. The world NEEDS our words. The world NEEDS our joy. The world NEEDS our resilience. The world NEEDS our dreams. The world NEEDS our light. The world NEEDS…you get my point.

Now, beloveds, get on out there and LIVE. For you. Let those who have done their time, rest. Then, get on with YOUR life. We have to, beloveds. We have to.

There are so many moments, in EVERY second, of EVERY day, when I wonder how, in the name of all that is holy, I will find the want to to even want to keep it moving, without mom, without sis.

Then, my want to lets me know how much I very much want to. I do. I want to live. I want to experience joy. I want to find out what is around the next corner.

Who “wants” to go with me? Asking for a friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

For such a time as THIS, beloveds.

This IS your time.

THIS is your time.

This is YOUR time.

THIS IS YOUR TIME!!

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, wipes her eyes, and begins walking FORWARD, while looking UP*

trying to figure out HOW in THIS,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: For such a time as THIS, beloveds. This is your time. What are you doing with it?

No, it may not be fair, just now. Yes, you may have been left to tote all this hard, seemingly alone.

Still, this is the one life we get. I would love to spend the day annoyed at this stupid mountain that won’t move. I don’t have time.

So, I bend down and remove a pebble. In a few minutes, I shall gather enough gumption to snatch another.

Whatcha doing with your mountain?

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Don’t dread your day. You have NO idea what has been prepared for you.

 Don’t dread your day. You have NO idea what has been prepared for you.

Nuff said.
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Enjoy your day. You have no idea what is in store for you. Whatever may come, be sure to take joy with you. Include plenty of laughter and sunshine. Sprinkle your day with thanksgiving and gratitude. Rinse and repeat.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

It’s okay to go slow.

It’s okay to go slow.

Nuff said.
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I spent time cleaning, organizing, taking out the trash.

My vertigo forced me to stop frequently. In times past, I  would have been frustrated 😤 and dissatisfied with the slow pace and lack of visible results.

I know I did a lot. If someone came in and saw. Yikes.

Too often, beloveds, we allow shame and guilt to enter because of what we think others may think of our efforts:

Lazy!

Is that ALL you have done?

Is that ALL you have saved?

Is THAT what you are wearing?

You work THERE?

You work for the man?

You live there?

You want to live where?

You don’t have THIS?

Are you REALLY satisfied with THAT?

You LIKE to hang out with THEM/HIM/HER/THEY/THOSE?

Add the requisite amount of explanation points, and you get my point.

It’s high time, beloveds, we tell all those voices, those lies, to shut up, to kick rocks, to keep it moving.

Take your time. Go as slow as you need to. Rest, when you need to. Stop when YOU are done.

Who cares what others think? Especially, those who are not even trying themselves! Let them sit on the sidelines and judge that which they know not. We got much too much to do, eh?

We have waste so much too much time worrying about what others think about what we are doing with our lives. This is our lives. This is our truth. This is our time to do with as we please. Be encourage.

Tell should to shut up!

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!