I choose that which grows my spirit and uplifts others.
What do YOU choose, beloveds? There ARE no victims here. Life is what we make of it out of the many, many, many choices we choose to make, to ignore, to digress, to abdicate.
We choose or others will choose for us. If you allow that to happen, beloveds, don’t get mad at them for using you, devaluing you, dismissing you, discouraging you. You allowed it.🤷🏿♀️😁🤔
Woulda told myself success not meant for my old/broke/black/woman self.
The old me.
Would have looked at the mountain, looked at my inadequacy, and high tailed it outta there. Secretly, so no one, but God, would see.
The old me.
Would have found a “good” reason to not bet on me.
The old me.
Would have continued to hide from life.
The old me.
Would have quit long time ‘go.
The new me, the standing on BUSINESS me, the standing on FAITH me, the me that KNOWS she is loved by God, gently tells the old me to shut up, take two seats, get out her feels, keep on moving FORWARD, keep on looking UP, keep on trusting God, seize these moments, take joy/laughter/love, and rinse and repeat and I keep on being about being about it.
Don’t allow the old you, to keep the new you from a wonderful present AND future.
We got this. Let’s go!!
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: If you KNEW how hard today was, beloveds, you would understand that you really CAN do more than you give yourself credit for!
I reached out to my sanctified sis. Yall know the one: The one who dare not stand on anything but The Word.😎🥰🙏💃🏽
She kicked my behind, in Jesus Name, and got me back to:
Standing on FAITH.
Standing on BUSINESS.
Standing ten toes down.
She didn’t give two figs about grief. After my act right got some act right, I blasted my music, jammed, praised me some Him, and put on a load of laundry. 🤷🏿♀️💃🏽🤣😥🤗
Now, I’m not saying you can’t grieve. I do. I am. I shall be. Still, I am NOT alone.
My problem, beloveds, is that I tried to sneak on my cape of “I am alone. Nobody can understand. Nobody knows”.
It’s true. Nobody knows. Nobody CAN understand the unfathomable. Doesn’t mean they don’t care. They just may not know HOW. I don’t know how. Holy Toledo.😥😳🧱
We shall stagger through to Okay-ish shant we? The ONLY thing that got me through today was the words of you all in here. I reread them. Thank you. Thank you.
I am asking God to help me find the words to encourage others, as I make my way through the impossible. This was a wombie day. I would have rushed to the phone and carried on about ALL these damned lemons. She would have understood. Shit!
I don’t have TIME for no stinkin’ grief. Quite frankly, beloveds, grief does NOT give two F’s. I am exhausted enough to almost have said the entirety of the word. I’m trying not to be uncouth. Crapola and Apple Dumplings. Yes, those are a stupid combination, of words, but they are the cleanest I know and I am doing my utmost to NOT give in to:
Despair.
Despair.
Despair and more…
Despair.
I don’t dare waste time screaming, hollering, or raging against the dying of the flippin’ night.
Instead, beloveds, I am doing my best to be encouraging, thoughtful, understanding. I’m trying to be a good sis, a knowledgeable worker, a fabulous Christian, a tastefully grieving wombie(so as not to disappoint said dead other wombie), and all the other ‘good’ and ‘approved’ things society/life/folk apparently think a twin SHOULD be, at a time like this.
Dammit….oppps. My bad. My sad wants sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo desperately to behave badly.
I keep getting bothersome news that I have to find a way to turn into positive good. I find myself looking up, moving forward, when ALL I want to do, NEED to do, is to dive into bed and hide under a comforter of solitude.
I have been in search of words. ALL day. And, I mean ALL DAY!
I have to be completely honest. I reached out to everyone but God today. I don’t know if I am angry with him or not, but I didn’t reach out to him today. Normally. I would have prayed and asked for grace. I would have prayed and asked for comfort.
For some reason, I didn’t. For some reason, I couldn’t. I didn’t even put on my praise music. Thinking on this, I found myself turning on some praise. I found myself, turning to Him. I found myself, climbing onto His Lap. Ah, God, what on earth, do I DO with ME now?
asking for a friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I don’t know if this was a comfort to anyone. I’m not sure it’s comforting me….
I owe You an apology. A big one. A huge one. A grateful one.
I’m sorry.
For doubting You.
For questioning You during Your Silence.
For doubting AND questioning ME because of Your Silence.
For, Your Silence sent failure my way. And, failure sat many a question outside my door.
God, I SEE now why You allowed failure to come along.
Why?
Ah, God. Let me tell You. Better yet, let me SHOW You.
To be continued, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This letter has been a long time coming. Stay tuned, beloveds. You may find yourself within it’s page.🥰
I have much to say. I have much to share. Be patient with me. Be patient with YOU. I don’t know when or how this shall end. I don’t know how I shall end. Neither do you.
You are watching the birth, the rebrand of “The Storyteller”. Who is she? Ah. Aha! Great question! You shall be meeting her soon. I have missed her.
God woke me up to tell me a story. He woke me so I could tell you. I am going to tell it within a video. Look for it soon.
In the meantime, beloveds, think it not strange, as the bible says, when fiery trials come upon you. You SHALL come forth from them as gold. Your tests were NEVER about failure. Yet, ALL tests are about dealing with failure, with possible failure, with overcoming failure, with allowing failure to…
Ah, I am getting ahead of myself! I digress. Be encouraged. We got this. God has us all. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. 😎🥰👍
Do you mean to tell me I HAVE to rejoice, that I HAVE to keep my joy, that I HAVE to keep on keeping on, that I HAVE to keep standing on FAITH, that I HAVE to keep standing on BUSINESS, that I HAVE to keep having to even through all of THHISSSSSSSSSSSSS??!!!!
*Cassandra slaps around some of her grief, knocks aside some of the much too much and too many lemons(hard) that have been deposited lately, kicked her way through work stuff that just ain’t working, sighed over bills(math) that was just NOT mathing(matching) a paycheck, not yet received, that has ALREADY been allocated and found wanting*
Geeeeeeeeeeez, Louise. Holy Toledo and Holy Smokes. Heckamiah what in the fresh hell Miah is all THIS going on around here????????!!
Life has been an interesting rollercoaster. Up, one minute. Ready to slap, I don’t even know who, the next. Not literally, though. Just figuratively, in some way, to try and scratch the depth of grief I can NOT fathom, let alone grasp.
In all my brilliant words, I have yet to find ANY that truly soothes my spirit. Except, oddly, the word “shit”. I dont swear, tho. So, I sneak one out, e’ry now and again. Quietly. Where no one but me can hear. Not even God.
I do, however, see the tiny smile, on His Face. I think He is giving me THAT small space to keep it a buck, as these young folks say.
For such a time as THIS, wh, God? Okay, I shall try. Best as I can. You are going to have to make something of this mess I have made of/with my grief.
asking for many friends, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Hang in there, beloveds. For such a time as this…🤔😥😡😳🙏🤷🏿♀️
Beloveds, please allow me to be completely candid with you.
Truth be told, I almost didn’t tell the WHOLE truth. God told me to share some things with you.
I told Him no. My twin had just died. Work was ridiculously hard. Christmas was coming and ALL those things had set off a tsunami, a tornado, and an earthquake in my heart.
Beloveds, I was tired. I AM tired. Yet, I have to find the strength, the fortitude to gry through this work week so I can have TIME to actually grieve for my twin. I don’t have time yet. I can NOT, I dare not, unleash the torrent of tears waiting for me.
Tears and me have a pact: Tears will hold off and allow me to get to Friday. I promise to do my best to get through Christmas Eve AND Christmas WITHOUT losing my mind. I promise to watch football with twin, now in heaven, and NOT spend the day angry with her for leaving.
I feel like such the failure. Feel like I failed sis. I KNOW I loved her best as I could…*sigh*. Crapola.
Anywho, God asked me to share with you that the pieces, talking about failure, was started BEFORE sis passed away.
A few were done. A few not. I won’t say which is which. I bet some shrewd folk may be able to tell…*sigh*.😳
I’m just trying to do as asked and finish up these pieces dealing with failure. Who knew that I would be the one in biggest need of them.
Ah.
Aha!
thinking that God sure did think He is/was slick, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Ah, beloveds. What do I DO with me now? I don’t know how to grieve THIS loss. If someone could show me, I would greatly appreciate it.
I am currently jamming on some praise music. My heart to content to grieve just now…hhmm?
Still, all this flailing, all this failing, all of this falling has gone and done nothing but teach me HOW to fail FORWARDS.
Ha!
Ah!
Aha!!
Keep failing FORWARD, beloveds. Don’t get too terribly upset when you fall. Laugh whilst you are flat on your face. Then, turn over and laugh some more!😎🤣
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 