I don’t know much. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. I don’t know where. I don’t know where. I don’t know much much anymore. And, beloveds, that’s okay. For now…*sigh*.
I’m doing my level best to stay positive. I’m playing the ” good girl “. Crap!
Sure wish that I could:
Pitch a fit.
Scream.
Scream some more. I dare not. Instead I…*sigh
Run.
I don’t know what to do to with the me I used to be.
Can anyone tell me? It’s okay not to know. Be encouraged.
Reality is FINALLY setting in, beloveds. A reality I do NOT want to face. I HAVE to. Dammit, I HAVE to.
I cried in my sister’s arms tonight. Said I no longer feel like me. I had been itching to make an uplifting video. You know, one of m ridiculous and sappy ones. I was going to add inspiring music. I was going to wax poetic about the vicissitudes of life.
Then I realized, I remembered that I could barely say let alone remember what the vicissitudes of life even meant!
Dammit!!
I fired up my video making software but no longer remember HOW to work it which made me cry harder. Sis told me to teach myself again.
Monday morning I have a neurology appointment to find out just how much my brain has been affected. I am terrified! What if I can’t remember or relearn things.
Words are my life. How do I regain my footing, pun intended!Ah, God, what do I do with me now.
I am not the same. I will NEVER be THAT her again. Never seems like such a long time. I’m not depressed. Terrified. Sad. Wondering. Wandering. I am truly in my own Garden of Gasemeni! My ONLY comfort is that He promised to be with me.
I just stopped by to encourage someone to keep on keeping on. Quit is NOT for us We’ve got too many thangs to do!
Get UP!!! FIGHT! THERE IS TOO MUCH LOVE IN US TO DESPAIR, TO QUIT, TO RUN AWAY.
Cry, if you have to. Then:
Rise.
Move.
Believe.
Sing
Dance.
I may not can raise both hands. Still, I shall flap this left one with all that I have.
I’m no longer her. Then again, she’s no longer me.It will be interesting finding out who WE are…lol
Its okay to wonder who and why you are. Let’s discover together, eh. In case no one has told you today: I love you and so does He.
STILL here, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. Somebody pray for a sista!Asking for A Friend!
It has been hard to hear joy. It has been hard to feel anything but pain.
Even my ow is saying ow!
My heart goes to bed hurting. It wakes up howling. Neither of us feels like doing yet another pain-filled day. Crimeny!
Pain, having compassion for me, sidled up and reminded me of something.
I smiled. I got on with my day, pain in tow.
Pain and I had coffee. We watched YouTube. We had more coffee. We argued over the remote. I won.
I just stopped by to tell someone the same something that set me free a long time ago:
You are NOT your pain.
Yea, pain can be a bully and yells a lot. Still, pain can be a friend as it points to where healing needs to take place.
Pain also accompanies healing as it takes place, during the surgery, in the recovery room.
Pain can often act as a stop sign, a truth teller, a litigator.
The trick is in knowing how to process and deal with pain.
We are NOT our pain. We do NOT have to accept pain because it’s what we have become used to.
Pain is never meant to stay. Pain was never meant to be permanent.
Don’t let pain have the last word. Don’t even let pain be in charge. Locate the source of it. Remove yourself from it, if need be.
Stop using the pain to punish yourself. If you are doing dumb things, that are causing pain to kick your hiney, stop doing the dumb thing. Then, forgive yourself and keep it moving.
Get away from painful relationships. Love is NOT pain. Love does NOT have to hurt. Love is NOT filled with thorns. Hurt PEOPLE hurt people.
You SHALL overcome. You SHALL find the way.
In the meantime, go on ahead and toss pain into the shower. Get out the shower and make it do what it do with what you have to do it with. 🤣
It feels good to laugh again. If only on these blog pages.
Your surroundings do NOT determine how your story ends.
Okay, beloveds, now that we have got THAT excuse out of the way, how about we make 2026 as transformative as we can make it?
Notice, I said “transformative” NOT transactional.
I’m doing my best to be as transformative, as I can be. Why? Because life is short.
And, maybe, my life has something that can be of service to someone(s). I have been arguing with myself about my forever quest to serve folk who could give two hoots about me. I have been fussing with God about this ALL my life.
He keeps reminding me just to love folk. Periodt and He will do the rest. The rest of what, beloveds? I have been waiting for for decades to find out.🤔😁🤣
I’ve stopped wasting time lamenting about where I am not. How ’bout you?
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Our story has not seen it’s end. Let’s write some ridiculously corny chapters!🥰🤣🤗
The outcome of the game does NOT define you. The score doesn’t make you a winner.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Too often, beloveds, we use the score to determine if we are winning, in life, or not. The score, more often than not, has very precious little with whether we are winning or not.
It depends on your meaning of ‘winning’. What does winning look like to you?
Right now, I am winning. Not in the bank account. Not in the work area. Not in the grieving area.
So, where the world, you may ask, am I winning?
I woke up this morning.
I woke up the morning before that.
I woke up the morning before that.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Right now, beloveds, ALL my energy is going towards simply getting up, making a cup of coffee, making lemonade, lemon meringue, lemon tarts, lemon pudding, and a million different concoctions from all of these blasted lemons that life continues to hand me. Holy Smokes!
I am finding my way. Just a smidge. My good habits truly have been keeping me in good stead. My good habits would NOT allow me to hide beneath a pile of comforters and solitude.
My good habits made me:
Put on the coffee.
Pick up my blue screwdriver.
Hold a terribly offkey concert to any and all unfortunates within earshot.
Yes, my heart wobbles. Yea, I have no idea if grief will stroll behind me and give me a hug.
Still, I rejoice. Still, I sing. Badly. Lustily. Full, of life. Why? Good habits? Cuz Life says so?
Cuz, I say so.
What of you?
Enjoy your life. Stop taking score. Do your best. You are going to come out on top. You are going to finish last. So what? Which outcome means more? Be satisfied you entered the arena and played.
Let’s continue to be about being about it.
I’m getting enough pieces done to get through the rest of the month. I have to go back to work next week. If I can. I’m going to give it my best effort(s). I am hoping the panic attacks won’t return. Goodness and gravy panic attacks are NO fun.
I am being better to myself. I am cutting myself more slack. In the past, I would have blamed myself for even having panic attacks. I would have lectured myself. I would have told myself to get a grip. I would have admonished myself.
Now, I tell myself it’s okay. I tell myself I WILL be okay. Some kind of way. In the meantime, I am STILL a worthwhile person panicked, tired, grief-stricken and all. This, too, shall pass. I am doing my utmost to stay me in the midst of all this what in the fresh hell.
Be encouraged. Enjoy your day. Me and my blue screwdriver have been lighting up the living room with wails, er, song, for the past little while. I sure do feel sorry for the neighbors…smh.
In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. Have an amazing rest of today.
I HAD to. I got bills to pay. Grief wanted to wallow, wanted to stay in bed.
Real talk, beloveds, I wanted to indulge grief. For a time, I did. I didn’t boil my eggs. I didn’t make my morning coffee. I didn’t have my early morning quiet time.
I allowed grief to stay in bed. Grief shoulda told me the grumps would wake up with me!😳🤨
I told grief we were going to work. We were going to stay ALL day. We were going to figure it out. Some kind of way.
Grief was mad. Grief wanted to hide from life. I wanted to hide. I couldn’t. I can’t.
I HAVE to keep being about being about it. Some kind of way.
I was smart enough to reach out for support. I was smart enough to CHOOSE to encourage others. Doing so comforted me. Okay, it didn’t. But, still.🤷🏿♀️😎
Yea, beloveds, I started the day. I drug grief to work with me. I told grief to shut it.
Grief, in it’s wisdom, got mad at me. Knowing I NEEDED to grieve. Grief told Grace. Grace told Love. Love (ABBA), swept me up into His Arms. He whispered something to my heart. I don’t know what He said.
My heart asked me to trust her. I did. My heart walked me over to Grief. They negotiated a bit of space for me to grieve. Love stood close by. Grace stood outside the door. Jesus quietly took my hand and promised to guard my tears.
I was no longer mad at Grief. I appreciate the space to let my heart do as it needs to. Fresh hell.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
I promise, beloveds, not to fill my year with loss. I do look forward to 2026. I am hopeful. Okay, not quite yet but I get closer to joy every day.
I’m back to making my coffee. I’m back to getting out of bed and spending my me time of coffee and yakking with mom and now sis.
I’m even back to sharing me with fam and friends. Before, I was giving folk the sanitized version so they wouldn’t worry.
It was because of y’all’s honesty, here, that gave me the courage and permission to be 100 with everyone. Even with me. Especially, with me.
My coffee is getting cold. Would enjoy some company…
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 