Month: August 2023

Comfort: I Refuse. Not anymore.

I refuse.

I refuse, to allow anything to allow me to do things that are harmful to myself.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow myself to give up on myself.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow the world to tell me who I am.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow the apathy of others to allow me to be apathetic.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow my heart to be locked behind walls because others have not loved me.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow myself to apply streams upon others.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow myself to view others who do not look an act like me to be seen as my enemy.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow fear to keep me from pursuing my dreams.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to allow the rock and hard place to keep me discouraged.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to give up on the world and all the possibilities at the world brings.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to keep my burdens to myself believe in those burdens were not worthy to be borne by others.

Not anymore.

I refuse, to be ashamed of the way God made me.

Not anymore.

Did I used to give up on me? I did.

Not anymore.

choosing,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: We are forever confronted, with choices. EVERY day. A million times, a day. Choose. Refusing, to choose, only allows life, situations, circumstances, the enemy, your enemies, your friends, your family, to choose for you. Either way, life moves on and will choose, if you don’t/won’t.

This has been an incredibly hard week. I don’t know why but grief just will NOT leave me be. I keep telling grief she will be doing chores and walking and reading and bible study and Marvel movies and rinse and repeat til she gets bored and moves on.

I refuse.

One step.

I refuse.

One step.

I refuse.

One step.

I refuse.

I choose.

To be continued.

Remember:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

Hold on.

Hold on. https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cv0yExSqfML/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Grief won’t leave me alone.

I choose to take grief for a spin around Joy Mountain!

❤️‍🩹⚒️♥️

Be encouraged.

Dance with me.

Say a prayer for me for tomorrow. The night before mom’s birthday is a million hours long.

choosing,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

🗒: I have already scheduled pieces for tomorrow. In case I am up to my elbows in missing mom feels.

Be encouraged, beloveds. Keep going. We got this.

The diamond in my shoe: Part II.

Today was harder, than yesterday.

And, the day before.

I have found several diamonds, in my shoe.

They have formed from stumbling over grief and frustrations, these last days.

I REFUSE, to hurt me, because my heart is broken, from missing mom. I loved her. I love her, still. In this, my new normal.

I REFUSE, to hide or ghost, my grief. Grief, is a natural part of life. Losing love, hurts. Sooooooooo much. It’s okay, to hurt. Yet, we learn to love, in a different way.

I REFUSE, to grieve alone. I used to think MY grief was just ‘too heavy’ for others. Translation, real talk, I did not have enough value, for ME, thinking I was not ‘enough’ to love or have folk go out of their way, for ME.

It’s not that I didn’t love me. I did. I just got so used to the voices of OTHERS, who thought me loud or ugly or this or that.

I now realize it was THEIR ugliness, they were looking at. My goofheadness, my willingness to sing out loud badly, my joy in living unapologetically ME, makes folk realize they are stuck behind walls. Which, makes them strike out at me and call me loud or ugly.

I REFUSE, to look at myself in any other way then the wonderfully odd, loving, foolish, serious, caring about the world person called me.

I REFUSE, to give up hope and laughter and love because grief has come, for me.

I shall sit with her, grief. For, a time. Then, I shall send grief, on her way.

I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to turn my back, on love, because I have experienced loss, from losing loved ones.

Doing these, and many things, have formed many a diamond, in my shoe.

Soon, I shall have enough diamonds, to make a crown.

I shall wear my crown for mom, tomorrow, on her birthday.

making diamonds in my shoe,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: To all who have lost:

Be encouraged.

Sit with grief, for a time. Process. Be okay with not being okay until you are, okay.

Laugh.

Love.

Squeeze out some joy.

Above all, LIVE.

I love you❤

One step.

One step.

One step.

Time: Time to kill all the time killers.

Wow.

Who knew?

I FINALLY figured out how to schedule my pieces! Now, I don’t have to waste precious brains cells talking myself into this time or that. Also, have them already written, wrapped in love and prayer and set to invade inboxes all weekend.

Which now leaves me time to watch The British Open, this weekend. For true sports folk, it’s properly known as The Open.

I also have plenty of ice made, stored and ready for my little fan cooler thingamajig.

I have my walking clothes stored, in a nice box that also doubles as a footrest, if needed.

I have also made some short snippets to post on Instagram.

I have my freezer organized.

My egg thingamawhatchamacallit has been delivered so I don’t have to fight with the box of eggs to get it to gimme here without breaking my eggs, of a morning.

I have my remotes remoting in organizers along with the odd this and thats.

I have one counter top that heretofore held ever unneeded/unwanted plastic container known to man, cleared away, leaving a wonderful counter space I now prepare breakfast at. Who knew counter space was actually to be used as counter space and not a junk drawer of some sort?!

I have done so well, my fingers are actually considering giving me TWO thumbs up. Wow. They say it depends on if my act right keeps acting right.

Yea, yall, even Egads! and lazy have been agog with my wonderfulness.

How about that?!

You better ask somebody!

Go on ahead, Cassandra, with your bad self!

It’s important, beloveds, to celebrate your wins. Don’t besmirch small beginnings. Remember, the oak tree began with just a small nut.

Speaking of nuts, I am fixing to jet.😆

I may be a nut, beloveds, but, I am screwed to the Right Bolt.😂 Get it?! Nuts and Bolts!

HAHAHA!

*hugs self*

I sowwy, yall, am listening to some Wham and ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’ which has my mind gone!🤪😊🥰🤣

Time for you, beloveds, to kill all of your time killers. You have a life to live, pun intended.

Get to it, before your fingers point you towards some extra chores.

Uh, oh…’You Dropped A Bomb On Me’ by The Gap Band is on. Fixing to see if I can introduce the universe in a chair dance.

brb,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

#HereForIt

#DanceParty

Note: Who has time for a note! Dance with me.

The diamond in my shoe.

Today was hard.

The walk has been long.

It feels like there’s a rock in my shoe.

I dug out the rock. It was a diamond. I put it in my pocket for safe keeping. The hard is making me so strong.

I shall keep walking.

I choose to keep trying.

Trying though the day has been.

I can.

I will.

going,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Be encouraged. Nuff said…

Consequences: Be good to you.

*pout*

Am currently, on punishment.

Scrubbing the bathroom BEFORE work.😳

Why?

I TOLD myself I would NOT wow out on some mini chocolate donuts.

Mom’s birthday on Saturday. She passes Christmas morning 2016 and I have been fighting my way back, every since.

I have been missing her. Terribly so. Yes, I am loving her, in a new way. Yet, this new normal will never be normal, for me.

I am learning, to keep living. Didn’t think I could. I didn’t know how, beloveds.

Now, I do my utmost to encourage others who just don’t know HOW. You don’t need to. Not, yet.

Start, with one step.

Start, with getting out of bed.

Start, by sitting up on the side of the bed.

Start, by turning on a light, if you can’t yet sit up.

Start.

One action.

Just one.

Breathe.

Ah.

Yea, life can hurt.

Yes, Life is good.

Even, when it’s hard.

Speaking of hard, I have to get back to scrubbing this bathroom, before ⚒ work.

Be good to you.

Do NOT allow loss or hard to allow you to CHOOSE things which do not serve you.

Say a prayer for me.

Miss you mom.❤️‍🩹♥️💋

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Hold on!

Hold on!🙏🌈❤ https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cvw7eNhIBsG/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Hold on, beloveds!

💃

🌈

I love you.

Love someone, today.

Start with YOU!

One step.

One step.

One step.

Cassandra

#HereForIt

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Get excited!

Get excited! Your life IS about to change. Have FAITH. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CvtBVvronV_/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Get excited!

Cassandra 🌈😆💃

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Moment by moment.

It’s 2 am.

I can’t sleep.

It’s hot.

I’m tired.

I’m excited.

I’m expectant.

I’m expecting.

I’m hopeful.

I’m joyful.

I’m making deliciously corny, hopeful, possibly boring, Instagram snippets. How great is that?!

I am enjoying EVERY moment. Every one.

I am enjoying the truly difficult, work training.

I am enjoying the especially difficult life 👟 training not catching up with my dreams, has brought.

I have found, beloveds, the dream are besides the point!

The dreams, were and are, simply the catapult God, Life and The Universe, have been using, to pry me out of my sleep and slumber.

The dreams, were and are, wisely, tools God, Life and The Universe, have been using, to get me to try.

The dreams, were and are, wonderfully, the means by which God, Life and The Universe, shall walk with me as I enjoy EVERY moment.

Moment.

By.

Moment.

It’s 2:12 am.

I can’t sleep…

enjoying my moments,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I am bargaining with the night. I am asking night to delay. For as long as it can. Linger! Don’t go! Ah, night, I am not done with the moments. THESE! I must go, beloveds. Am 🏃 running out of night. Ah, the day is soon to follow. I hope. We have no idea how many moments this life contains. Enjoy your moments. Go on now…

Comfort: Back away from the chocolate donuts, Cassandra.

*A fierce battle was raging. Chocolate donuts sang her alluring song. Swayed, wooed, thinking of the comfort they would bring, Cassandra fought valiantly to resist knowing the very vestige of the global economy rested on her standing fast.*

Okay, so the global economy would not have collapsed, had I given in and did some comfort eating.

That said, I’m thankful I CHOSE to not wallow, in grief. Doesn’t mean my heart did not grieve.

It did.

Doesn’t mean I pretended I didn’t miss mom.

I did.

Doesn’t mean I STILL fight, with everything in me, the urge to hide beneath a mountain of covers. Hidden, til mom’s birthday passes. Locked away, in the dark, pretending the worst day on earth never happened.

It did.

So, I find comfort, today, in TODAY. I find comfort, today, in sharing laughter with mom, still, over something dumb she or I had said, to one another.

I find comfort, beloveds, in my try. Knowing, mom is cheering me on. I find comfort, in working. I find comfort, in many things.

Notice I said, I FIND. We have to CHOOSE to keep living, after a loss. We have to CHOOSE to be good to us, though we may want to find comfort in all manner of unhealthy things, folks and situations.

We MUST choose.

EVERY day.

Yea, it’s hard. It is. Hard doesn’t give us the right to hurt ourselves because we are hurting.

Truly, I may yet find comfort in a mountain of covers, whilst comforting myself with some chocolate donuts. If so, I shall forgive me for leaning on chocolate donuts instead of the love and care of God and my family and few friends.

I am thinking of and praying for all who have experienced a loss of any kind. To them, their devastation has been devastating. My losses, have been devastating. Your losses, I’m sure, have been devastating.

Be encouraged.

I pray comfort, for all.

Remember:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU.

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Keep going. We got this, don’t we?