Life has gone and got all up in my face, beloveds.
Life: What are you going to do NOW, Cassandra?
Me: Sheeeeeuuuuit.
It’s a have to, beloveds. Life has challenged me. Life may be challenging you.
Whatcha gonna DO with your hard?
figuring out the doing of this particular brand of wtf, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged. Keep moving FORWARD. Keep looking UP. Remember, we CAN. We WILL. It just seems impossibly hard, right now. We have overcome many a hard thing, beloveds. We SHALL overcome this later pile of…uh, oh. Smh
I am making some lemon meringue pie with the lemons life has brought.
Sustained anger, beloveds, can and WILL turn destructive. IF we let it.
I CHOOSE to tell anger to kick rocks. I have thangs to do. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I want to kick and scream.
Alas, I do have a job to prepare for. I DO have a life to live in the middle of all this freshly painted what in the fresh hell.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
Hurt as you must. Rage as you will. Then, love someone. Starting with you.
We SHALL find a way. Some kind of what. Sure is tough to stay pissed for long when you are called and meant to be an encourager. Crap.😳🤔🤗
It’s okay to let grief have her say. Just don’t allow her to be a permanent resident…
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be good to you whilst life appears to be picking on your life. Life is just lifing. Fresh heckamiah. I am currently listening to some praise music and praying for all needing comfort. Starting with me. Let me hear from you. You may encourage someone who really do need some comfort…
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.
I realize I am angry. I had no idea I was even feeling anger, beloveds, until I actually gave myself permission to feel it. To FEEL period.
I had been running around slapping band aides everywhere. I said I was okay. I thought I was okay.
It’s not okay. I am not okay. Not, today. And, that’s okay. I don’t know HOW I am going to do today. I just know that I CHOOSE to try. Some kind of way. To make the way. To find SOMETHING to rejoice in.
I tried to make an angry video. I have not used CapCut in forever and seems like things have changed and I don’t know how to do the limited editing I taught myself. THAT, made me angry to add to the anger I feel.
I have to go now. I have to go and fake it til I make it. I have no choice. Life is calling. Whether I want to answer or not. Shit. Fresh hell.
Be encouraged. Best you can. Keep standing on FAITH. It’s perfectly okay to pelt some lemons whilst you do.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: We got this. I promise not to fill today with angry/multiple rants. Okay, I promise to do so TASTEFULLY, if so….lol. Keep some humor in today, peeps. I love you.
Note: Do it because you want to. Not because you felt coerced into it. Don’t do it because you think you should. Whatever year it is. Do it because you choose.
Note: I am going to try and use my anger for good today.
Today, I rage for EVERY heart who has/have to:
Suck it up.
Go to work.
Keep it moving.
Keep moving FORWARD.
Keep looking UP.
Hold on.
Hold fast.
Stand ten toes down on FAITH.
Keep hope alive.
Find peace in the day.
Seize opportunity.
Pay bills.
Uplift others.
Encourage others.
Love others.
Love yourself.
Eat.
Pray.
Rinse.
Repeat.
…when they are the very LAST things you want to do.
Beloveds, we have to. We will. But, not today. Today, we gone feel what we feel. Today, we are going to chuck some lemons at whosoever is foolish enough to give us platitudes today. Today, we hide our hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, sad and ALL the things that beset us, and have a damned temper tantrum for the whole world to see that we don’t give two damns about worrying on THEIR feelings about OUR pain. Fuck that. Our pain IS legit. I rage for us all. Tomorrow, I shall return to my uplifting self. Today, fuck that. I am fixing to start a fuck that series on my channel. Should be interesting.
Be encouraged, beloveds. We got this. Yes, even THIS pile of excrement delivered in lemon rinds.
I was just about to get on the fake it til you make it train. I decided NOT to board. I told my mad that SHE was in charge today!
I can NOT bring back my twin. I can NOT stop this bouquet of lemons. I CAN and DO decide to let my mad do with them AND me as she pleases. It shall be an interesting today. These are her first morning salvo texts:
I am NOT okay. I don’t have the bandwidth to pretend I am. I realize ALL I have done since sis passed, since ALL this job hard/ridiculous when it doesn’t/shouldn’t have to be, 17 months of trying to find work hell, tornado, trying to overcome tornado, find a job AND maintain fam relationships, AND make sure twin was okay by calling EVERY day, doing/saying/giving ALL that I have/had has led up to a passed away twin, a damned test on things we don’t know what the hell as we literally have not been able to use the system has all led up to… a pile of hot garbage. Dammit, Lynette, what in the actual fuck have you gone and done at THIS blasted time when it has taken ALL this time to come back from hell just to be put back in it and HAVE to fake it til I make it today?! ANFW.🤬😳😥
One of my bro responded and told me to feel what I feel. I said:
What in the actual fuck? I am angry. I want to call and cuss her out. I can’t which is making me more angry! I don’t swear 🤬. Crap.
This shall be an interesting day. I shall endeavor to be civil and uplifting in this space as I already have a week’s worth of uplifting posts WRITTEN WHEN MY STUPID TWIN WAS ALIVE BUT NOW SHE IS NOT AND I HAVE TO TRY AND MOVE FORWARD AND MOVE PAST AND STAND TEN TOES DOWN ON FAITH AND TRY ANX PASS A DAMNED TEST I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FRESH HELL IS GOING ON WHILE TRYING TO CONSOLE SIBLINGS WHEN NONE OF THIS IS EVEN REAL AND WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, SIS?!
aski
wondering what in the actual fuck, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I am embarrassed. I have blogged for FIVE years. I have encouraged the entire world for five years. I needed the world. The world was it’s usual silent self. Embarrassing. I checked an empty inbox. Embarrassing.
Thanks, Britta, and the few who at least gave a like. My heart was glad.
Throw in some well meaning platitudes, from folk having NO idea what to say and you have lived my day.
I have scraped through it.
Barely.
Horrified.
Sleepy.
Grief wanted to stay in bed. I allowed my mad to tell grief to shut the fuck up. I don’t swear. Yet, the swearing FEELS good.
I can’t yet FEEL much, beloveds, so am taking what I can get. The numb is a welcome blanket.
I need to call and check on my siblings. I almost called woman to ask if she can BELIEVE this shit?! I can’t. Dammit. Fuck. Shit.
Excuse me, God, if my language is offensive today. I don’t have the energy to worry about Your Feelings. I have not yet determined if I am angry with You.
I don’t think so. You have been gently preparing my spirit. For days. For weeks.
Yea, God. I knew. I knew sis was NOT okay. I did/said/tried all I knew.
Our last conversation was disjointed. I tried anyway. Til, she stopped answering the phone. Til, she stopped texting back. Til, she stopped trying.
Shit, sis.
I don’t have time to be angry. I have an important assessment to take tomorrow. My new job depends upon a pass. I can’t afford to fail.
How in the holy fresh hell did you decide to choose NOW to leave me behind and struggling to hang to:
My sanity.
My job.
My hope.
My joy.
I’m pissed, sis. Pissed that I had to scrape my joy from the midst of despair so deep I can not yet feel it.
I’m mad. I FINALLY moved past Christmas being the day mom died.
Worse, I can’t rejoice over my new job. Now, you have made it the week you decided you had to go. Fresh hell.
Your hurt, hurt too much. I hurt that you didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t trust me with the worst of it.
Still, I choose to remember our yaks. I choose to remember our ridiculous endings to our calls.
I called you most nights. I told you that I would call you still.
Goodnight, big stister. Later, gator, tomater…🤣 The call would end with my laugh. Now, I shall try and smile. Just a smidge.
Your pain has ended. You are free. Look out for me. Help me to pass my test. Even the work one tomorrow. I know you caught the pun.
Be encouraged, sis.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This day has been years long. Now, I get to fight the evening until dawn shows up. Shit.
Note: There are enough copycats. Be the original you are.
I want a Taco salad for my Thanksgiving meal. I made and had Taco salad for my Thanksgiving meal….lol. It’s OK to like what you like. It’s OK to be different. Keep on being you.
My twin, my wombie, my friend was found deceased in her apartment yesterday. I just found out a few hours ago.
I think she was waiting for me to get through the first week of training. I KNEW something was wrong.
For months, for weeks I have done all I could, said all I could, prayed all I could, hoped all I could, loved on her all I could.
The bible says God won’t put on us more than we can bear. He surely must think I’m a tough old broad. Geeez, God.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me. I can’t afford to take off the three days of bereavement leave. Perhaps, work will be a distraction.
Wombie is with mom now. Wow. Wow.
Don’t give up, beloveds. Life truly IS worth living. Even when it’s hard. Especially then.
I am standing on my faith. Just barely. Am sure I will be pissed off with wombie when the shock wears off. May tell off God a bit also. Could have waited until AFTER Christmas. Holy Jehoshaphat.
If there are ANY praying folk in here, a sister surely could use one or two or fifty. Condolence via email at ttnette37@yahoo.com would be of comfort but ONLY if done out of love and care and NOT guilt.
Life goes on. It has to. I have to. Sis would be holy hacked if I didn’t.
Dammit wombie. What in the actual fuck have you done? Yall going to have to forgive the swear word. I think God will understand, as well.
P.S. Britta, ask your mom to look after my twin for me. Fresh hell.
I am different because I chose to be the difference.
I am different because it makes no difference to me who wins. I just am happy to compete.
My life is different because I am different.
My thoughts are different.
My choices are different.
I don’t mind being different.
Enjoy who you are, beloveds. The world is going to talk about you regardless of how you are.
Dare to be different. Dare to make a difference. I dare you.
content being different, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Let’s not allow diversity to be a dirty word. We are all different in some way. That’s okay. Our differences are what makes us so similar!
It’s alright to dance to the beat of a different drummer. I love to see people dance to their own tune. I enjoy dancing my own way. The point is just to dance. Be encouraged. I love you. We got this.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 