Wtf, sis?
What in the actual fuck?
Dammit, sis.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Throw in some well meaning platitudes, from folk having NO idea what to say and you have lived my day.
I have scraped through it.
Barely.
Horrified.
Sleepy.
Grief wanted to stay in bed. I allowed my mad to tell grief to shut the fuck up. I don’t swear. Yet, the swearing FEELS good.
I can’t yet FEEL much, beloveds, so am taking what I can get. The numb is a welcome blanket.
I need to call and check on my siblings. I almost called woman to ask if she can BELIEVE this shit?! I can’t. Dammit. Fuck. Shit.
Excuse me, God, if my language is offensive today. I don’t have the energy to worry about Your Feelings. I have not yet determined if I am angry with You.
I don’t think so. You have been gently preparing my spirit. For days. For weeks.
Yea, God. I knew. I knew sis was NOT okay. I did/said/tried all I knew.
Our last conversation was disjointed. I tried anyway. Til, she stopped answering the phone. Til, she stopped texting back. Til, she stopped trying.
Shit, sis.
I don’t have time to be angry. I have an important assessment to take tomorrow. My new job depends upon a pass. I can’t afford to fail.
How in the holy fresh hell did you decide to choose NOW to leave me behind and struggling to hang to:
My sanity.
My job.
My hope.
My joy.
I’m pissed, sis. Pissed that I had to scrape my joy from the midst of despair so deep I can not yet feel it.
I’m mad. I FINALLY moved past Christmas being the day mom died.
Worse, I can’t rejoice over my new job. Now, you have made it the week you decided you had to go. Fresh hell.
Your hurt, hurt too much. I hurt that you didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t trust me with the worst of it.
Still, I choose to remember our yaks. I choose to remember our ridiculous endings to our calls.
I called you most nights. I told you that I would call you still.
Goodnight, big stister. Later, gator, tomater…🤣 The call would end with my laugh. Now, I shall try and smile. Just a smidge.
Your pain has ended. You are free. Look out for me. Help me to pass my test. Even the work one tomorrow. I know you caught the pun.
Be encouraged, sis.
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This day has been years long. Now, I get to fight the evening until dawn shows up. Shit.
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
- 📫 WHEN WORSHIP FINDS YOU 🎧🙏🏿❤️🔥
- MOM, WOMBIE, WE NEVER GOT MARCH. 🧸❤️🩹
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 