❤️‍🔥 GOD, I’M SORRY. 😭😱

Beloveds,

WHEW!🤯

YIKES!🥶🥺

I had to apologize.

To God.

To my sister.

To my niece.

To my brothers.

And, if I’m being completely honest…

I had to apologize to myself, too. 🫠🤕🫤 WHEW. This one hurt.

Because sometimes God doesn’t ask us to look at what somebody ELSE did.

He asks us to look in the mirror. 👀 And baby… I HAD TO LOOK. 😳

For the past two years, I fought the people who were trying to help me because I was scared.

I was worried about bills.

I was worried about money.

I was worried about what would happen next.

So I worked. And worked. And WORKED.

I had already been killing myself at work for almost 14 years before my stroke.

Let me be very clear:

I am NOT saying my work caused my stroke.

A stroke may have happened anyway. But I can acknowledge that years of pushing myself beyond my limits, combined with my eating habits and other choices, certainly didn’t help me.

And here’s another thing I need to say:

The devil didn’t cause my stroke. I’m not giving the devil credit for everything that happens in my life.

Sometimes… we have to be honest enough to examine our own choices. And my biggest revelation?

I chose not to trust. 😳

I had been told repeatedly: “Trust God.” “Let God handle it.” “Stop trying to carry everything yourself.” “Let people help you.”

And what did I do? 🙈🙉🙊

I kept fighting. I kept trying to control everything. I kept trying to figure everything out.

I kept letting fear convince me that if I didn’t handle it, everything would fall apart.

And somewhere along the way… fear became louder than faith. And pride started driving the car. 🚗💨

Oh, I KNOW I’m not the only one who’s ever done that!

We say we trust God… until God asks us to do something we DON’T want to do. 😂😭

Then suddenly we’re like: “Okay, God… let’s negotiate.” NOPE. 😂

😂😂

My doctors have advised me that I need to spend some time in a Skilled Nursing Facility so I can become physically stronger, continue therapy in a setting where trained nursing staff can monitor me and quickly respond if something goes wrong, and allow my sister and niece to rest and get their lives back.

And there it was. My OUCH. 🤯😳🥺

Because accepting that help meant admitting: I cannot do everything myself. And that was hard for me.

VERY hard.

Because somehow I had turned my stroke into something that was ALL ABOUT ME.

But my stroke didn’t happen to only me.

It happened to EVERYBODY who loves me.

My sister was tired.

My niece was tired.

My brothers were tired.

My friends were tired.

The people who loved me were carrying pieces of this too.

And then my sister…

And honestly?

She had every right to be angry. I didn’t enjoy hearing it. Ohhhh NOOOO. 😬

But after I absorbed my deserved beatdown… I had to sit with it.

And that’s when God asked me ONE question:

“What were you—and what are you—SO afraid of?” 😳 YIKES.

That question stopped me. Because I had been so busy fighting everybody about what I thought I needed… that I hadn’t stopped to ask myself what was underneath all that fighting.

FEAR.

I sat with it.

I owned it.

And then fam and I had a four-hour conversation.

Four.

Hours.

We put our hearts on the table. ❤️

I’m going to keep the words of that conversation private because some conversations belong between the people who had them.

But I can tell you what I learned.

Sometimes accountability doesn’t feel good. Sometimes accountability feels like getting your whole house of excuses knocked down. 🧱💥

But accountability is NOT punishment. Accountability is an invitation to grow.

And here’s what God has been teaching me:

We do ourselves—and the people who love us—a tremendous disservice when we continually choose fear over faith.

Because fear doesn’t just hurt us.

Fear can make us resistant. Fear can make us stubborn. Fear can make us angry.

Fear can make us push away the very people trying to help us. Fear can make us confuse control with strength.

And pride?

Ohhhh, pride will have you fighting for your right to stay exactly where God is trying to move you from. 😳

Pride says: “I know what I’m doing.”

Faith says: “God, I don’t understand this, but I’ll trust You.”

Pride says: “I can handle it myself.”

Faith says: “I need help.”

Pride says: “I don’t want anybody telling me what to do.”

Wisdom says: “Maybe somebody else can see something I can’t see right now.”

Pride says: “I’ll figure it out.”

Humility says: “I need you.” And sometimes… the most faithful thing we can say is: “Okay, God. I surrender.” 🙏🏽

So yes… we have made a decision. I am going to the Skilled Nursing Facility.

Not because I’m giving up.

NOT because I’m weak.

NOT because my life is over.

And certainly not because fear gets the final word.

I’m going FOR MY OWN GOOD. ❤️‍🩹

I’m going so I can get stronger.

I’m going so I can focus on rehabilitation.

I’m going so trained professionals can help monitor me.

I’m going so my family can breathe.

I’m going so my sister and niece can rest.

I’m going because sometimes receiving help is not a failure.

Receiving help can be an act of love.

THAT brings me right back to what we’ve been talking about:

THE HOW OF LOVE. ❤️

Because love isn’t always somebody holding your hand and telling you everything is going to be okay.

Sometimes love says: “Baby, you’re wrong.” 😳

Sometimes love says: “We’re not doing this anymore.”

Sometimes love says: “You need help.”

Sometimes love gets angry because it’s exhausted from watching you hurt yourself.

Sometimes love has to tell you something you desperately don’t want to hear.

That’s love, too: Learning to RECEIVE that kind of love?

That’s part of the HOW.

So here’s my lesson for today:

❤️ HOW DO WE OWN OUR FOOLISHNESS?

1. Stop blaming everybody else.

Before asking, “Who did this to me?” Ask: “What part of this belongs to me?” Not ALL of it. Your part. Own YOUR part.

2. Name the fear underneath the behavior.

Ask yourself: “What am I REALLY afraid of?” Because anger may be covering fear. Control may be covering fear. Stubbornness may be covering fear. Pride may be covering fear. Find the fear. Then deal with the fear.

3. Stop confusing pride with strength.

There is nothing strong about refusing help when you need it. There is strength in saying: “I need help.”

4. Listen when people who love you tell you something difficult.

They may not always be right.

But don’t automatically dismiss them because you don’t like what they’re saying.

Sometimes the uncomfortable voice is the voice carrying the truth you need.

5. Apologize without adding a BUT.

Not: “I’m sorry, BUT…” No. Just: “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Whew. That’s a hard sentence for some of us.

But it can be incredibly freeing.

6. Change the behavior.

Because an apology without changed behavior becomes another promise nobody believes.

If I say I’m sorry for fighting everybody who loves me… then I have to learn how to stop fighting everybody who loves me.

That’s the HOW.

7. Let humility have a seat at the table.

You don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to control everything. You don’t have to carry everything!

And you absolutely do NOT have to prove your strength by suffering alone.

❤️ So today I’m saying:

God, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the times fear became bigger than my faith.

I’m sorry for the times pride spoke louder than wisdom.

I’m sorry for the ways my resistance hurt the people who were trying to love me.

I’m sorry for making everything about what I was going through and forgetting that the people who loved me were going through it too.

And God… thank You for loving me enough to ask me the question I didn’t want to answer: “What are you so afraid of?”

Because sometimes the beginning of healing isn’t another person changing.

Sometimes… it’s us finally telling the truth about ourselves. ❤️‍🩹

And Beloveds… if you’re reading this and realizing that fear has been running YOUR life… don’t beat yourself up.

Don’t sit in shame.

Own it.

Ask the hard question.

Apologize where you need to apologize.

Receive correction.

Make the change.

And then…

MOVE FORWARD.

Because accountability isn’t about living forever in yesterday’s mistake.

It’s about learning enough from yesterday that you don’t keep repeating it tomorrow.

That’s what I’m doing.

I’m learning.

I’m surrendering.

I’m receiving help.

I’m getting stronger.

And I’m learning the HOW of love.

Including how to love the people who love me enough to tell me the truth. ❤️‍🔥

Now I’m asking YOU:

Have you ever let fear, pride, stubbornness, or the need to control something keep you from accepting help?

What happened when you finally had to surrender? You don’t have to tell us anything private. Just ask yourself:

“What am I so afraid of?”

Your answer might teach you something you desperately need to know. We’re going to keep learning this together.

The HOW of love.

How to give it.

How to receive it.

How to recognize it.

How to apologize.

How to forgive.

How to set boundaries.

How to listen.

How to humble ourselves.

How to love somebody enough to tell them the truth… even when the truth hurts.

❤️💞❤️‍🔥 Come walk this path with me.

Follow along, because we’re just getting started.

Asking for A Friend,

Cassandra #YourLifeMattersToMe

NOTE: Sometimes the bravest words we can say are: “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry.” “I need help.” “I don’t know.” “I surrender.”

And sometimes… “Okay, God. You were right.” 😂🙏🏽

One step. One step. One step. You are loved. You are NOT alone. Keep on being…YOU! ❤️

WHEW.

🧱🤯😱

Keep pruning, beloveds.