You may find this odd, beloveds. Until just now, I have NEVER really considered my age, when considering what to do, with my life.
Not really. Yea, I would quip about it. Still, my age was just a number, in my head. In my heart, I have always been 25.
My dad used to say he was “39 and holding”. That always tickled me. I decided I would forever remain 25. Don’t ask why 25. I couldn’t tell you. 25 seemed like a youthful number.
Having turned 56 in November, I feel as far away from 25 as I always have.
Why?
I blame the tornado. That tornado shook me to the core. I still can’t fathom why I can’t yet maintain solid footing.
I have been a Christian for 35 years. Until ths tornado, I had NEVER questioned my belief in God, Himself. Not even losing my mom, Christmas morning 2016, could move my faith.
Yes, for a time, I was angry at God. I blamed Him for not healing her. I blamed Him for not making her way easier. I blamed Him just to take my anger out on someone.
This tornado, though, it roared into my yard and let me know I was little more than a speck of dust.
I’m feeling like a speck of dust. I don’t know how to move past this barrier. I’m trying hard to move forward. I am finding it difficult to move past THAT moment, so I can live in THIS moment.
How do we get past a truly devastating moment?
We have to. How do we, though? I have been wrestling with the tornado for six months now. Exhausting.
I’m doing my lover best to make sure this barrier does not turn into an obstacle. I will overcome this some kind of way. I’m still figuring out how.
I wish this current battle was already over. I fight on. Will you?
I know. I know. I talk about food a lot. I can’t help it. I enjoy me some food.
Secretly, I have been wanting Twizzlers. For years. I have not allowed myself to get to them. I have no idea why. I just wouldn’t buy them for myself.
This reminds me of all the things I have not allowed myself to try, have or be. If nothing else, the tornado has given me the freedom and the permission to do those. things I have not allowed myself to do before. In that way, I am grateful for the tornado. I never thought I would live to say those words. I am grateful. I have learned things I may not have learned about myself.
I have had to fight for myself in ways I probably would not have done before. I have no choice now. I looked in the face of death and realized how short life really was. With that knowledge, I can’t just sit idly by and let my dreams stay unfulfilled.
My heart will no longer allow me to sit on the sidelines. Fifty-six refuses to let me stay silent. I’m just going along for the ride.
You don’t have to wait for a tornado. You can change things now if you wish. You can start over anytime you feel the need to. You don’t have to stay in the same place. You don’t have to stay the same person. If you ready for something new, go for it. This time belongs to you. Take advantage of it. That’s all you have.
Just promise yourself you’re going to enjoy every step of the journey. Even the hard steps. Have an amazing day.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I am having a blast learning about me. Who knew I could be such a goof?
Drag it kicking and screaming. Remove it from your presence. Refuse it access to your future.
Your dream.
Drag it kicking and screaming. Allow it to take hold of your present. Make certain it dominates your future.
Hope.
Drag it kicking and screaming. Be certain it swallows your existence. Refuse to remove it from your future.
The unknown can seem like such a scary place, beloveds. Drag it kicking and screaming, into your present.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: You’ll never know unless you try. Don’t be afraid to try. Be afraid, but try anyway. Life will pass either way. Wouldn’t you like to see what you can do, before life does you in? Be encouraged.
Real talk, faith can be such a tough pill to swallow.
When God asks you to follow Him. Or, He asks you go somewhere you would rather not.
Geeeeeeeez!
I find myself in a place I would rather not be, at the moment. That said, I here as a willing participant because I chose to continue this way.
I could have made other choices. Instead, I chose to do as I was led to do. Super real talk, beloveds, I have given myself a bit of a hard time for being dumb enough to choose to go this way.
I know. I know. Christian folk are not supposed to be real enough to share how the sausage is truly made.
Apparently, we are supposed to remain calm and pious at ALL times. We are never allowed to be pissed off. Oops. We are never supposed to get mad at God for getting us in tight spots. We are not to have any emotions, other than gratitude, when we are handed a fresh basket of fresh what in the hell is this/that?!
For all that life is waiting for YOU to seize. What the world are you waiting for!? Get going!
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: To hear the world tell it, beloveds, I may as well pack it in. Why?
I am 56.
I am a woman.
I am a BLACK woman.
I am a 56 year old, black woman…*gasp*. EVERY report has me being let go off, dispatched, dismissed, unwanted, unseen, unheard. Apparently, I ought shrivel up, shut up, shut down and go away.
The hooey with that! I have heard THAT nonsense for the whole of my existence. I am forever being told what I can’t do, where I can’t go, what I can’t have. By EVERYBODY.
To THAT, I continue to call BS. I AM:
Capable.
Able.
Loving.
Lovely.
Tenacious.
Lovable.
I SHALL continue to live a rich life. At the moment, I have a few 💵 dollars, in the bank. Right now, I live in a super dated apartment. At the present, I live alone. So what? I love my place. I enjoy my solitude. I am rich in the love of God, with the love of family, a couple friends and love of self.
I determine my value. I determine my steps. I determine my actions. I determine my try. By doing this, I make my life priceless. As do you, beloveds.
STOP wasting your life chasing the approval of others. You are NOT going to get it from most folk. Most folk have an agenda for your life. You are merely a transaction in the eyes of this world. That’s okay. Be sure the transaction is a win for both parties and keep it moving.
In the meantime, beloveds, keep living a life of integrity. Stop meeting transactions! Meet PEOPLE! LOVE people. The Universe will make sure you get what you need. Smh.
God knows I am not yet ready to return to work. Mentally, my heart is still terribly shaken from hollering, at the tops of my lungs, not to die in the bathroom, while an F4 🌪 tornado danced around the yard and neighborhood. I have not yet found the statute of limitations on when one is supposed to be over it already…😳😭😱
Believe me when I tell you that life is short. Use the time you have. I say this not to frighten you. I say these words, with love, to encourage you to get up and to try. Just try. Experience how much joy you find in the trying. Even in the hard. Be encouraged. You CAN. You WILL.
There has been some mighty disappointing days in this year.
So much so, beloveds, I have made disappointment a friend. A friend who brings me fresh ideas and new opportunities to stand on FAITH.
I don’t enjoy disappointment. I find disappointment terribly discouraging and disappointing.
Keeping my promise to myself to use EVERYTHING for my good, I have had to be creative with feelings of disappointment.
I rename things. I reclaim ownership of other things. I ponder why. I wonder what comes next.
I dismiss thoughts of quitting. I laugh at suggestions to walk away.
I try something. Then, I try something else.
I am relentless. I am reluctant.
I am bold. I am hesitant.
I burst forward. I scurry back.
All the while, disappointment shows herself to be a considerate friend. She is consistent. She does not demand to be tended to. She waits patiently for ME to act. Or not.
What’s that? Disappointment has come calling through my empty mailbox. I was waiting on two much needed checks. Fresh hell.
I have to go tend to disappointment. If I don’t, she will make way for fear and doubt to come in. I have too many thangs to do to allow that to happen.
Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: When you figure out what to DO with disappointment, please let me know.
Sis wanted to get me some groceries. She wanted to get me the “good” soup. Meaning, the expensive soup. Two bucks plus per 🥫😲…*gasp*.
Growing up, we were never able to afford the “good” stuff. We “made do”. We scripted. We scrounged.
I learned to “make due” with every area of my life. I scrounged. I scrimped. I dared not ask anything for me. Things of value, anyway.
Doing this, I guess I taught myself to devalue ME. I didn’t understand mom was just making sure things lasted. The lesson I learned was that I was something that had to be managed. Barely.
That wasn’t mom’s fault. It was my child-like knowledge I turned into grown-up fear.
These months are teaching me how valuable Cassandra is apart from her effort. I’m worth a lot.
I think I shall let sis get me the good soup. I am worth it. I am worthy. I am worthwhile.
So are YOU, beloveds. Be sure to let yourself have some of the good things of life. You are priceless. You are worth all that life has in store for you. Be encouraged.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This piece was hard to right. I’m sad and how long it took for me to see my value and worth. Thank goodness God was sooooooooo persistent and relentless in loving me.
Real talk, beloveds, it really is truth that when the student is ready, the teacher shall appear.
For weeks, I have been ramming my head against the same wall of fear 😱. EVERY day. ALL day. I told myself because I was in need of a job.
In truth, beloveds, the job had and has nothing whatever to do with my TRUE need(s):
The need to FEEL safe.
The need to BE safe, financially.
The need to KNOW the safety of the love of/from others.
NO job can meet those needs. NO person can meet those needs. NO bank account can meet those needs. Okay, they can TEMPORARILY. Then, the ultimate need will AGAIN present itself:
The need to be cared for. The need to KNOW/EXPERIENCE the fact we are NOT alone. The need to be cherished. The need to be heard. The need to be recognized.
Without these things, we feel empty, worthless and not worthwhile.
The reason I write is to let folk know they ARE:
Loved.
Seen.
Heard.
Valued.
Cherished.
By who/Whom?
Ah, great question! Answering this question is our quest, eh?
The FIRST person that must love us is US! How do we do that when we have forever been advised we are not lovable unless we come with endless gifts?
Ah, great question! Answering this question is our quest, eh?🥰
It took me many years to learn to love ME. There are still days when I have to remind me to keep loving me through all of my foolishness. Ah, Cassandra, why did you do THAT?! Oh, Cassandra, why didn’t you do THIS??!
One day, God told me to stop worrying about the outcome. He told me to focus on the try. I didn’t understand. Not at first. I was used to living and dying from the outcome.
I judged God by outcomes, or lack thereof. I judged people by outcomes, or lack thereof. I judged me by outcomes, or lack thereof.
Slowly, I learned to simply focus on MY try. I can’t do a thing about folk reading or not reading my pieces. I can’t convince folk to receive my care or not. I can’t force The Universe to bless me, monetarily.
ALL I can do is TRY. Lately, I found myself focusing more and more on the outcome, or lack thereof. All that did was send discouragement pouring in all corners of my world.
I forgot to look UP. I was too afraid to move FORWARD. I forgot to take joy with me through the hard. All I saw was nothing happening.
Thursday morning, I chose to put everything down. I told myself I refuse to allow fear to run my life and job search. The job is not the point. The point is to continue building my life upon FAITH, ACTION, INTEGRITY, AND LOVE. Everything else will come out in the wash.
I turned off the job searching and went in search of my peace of mind. I needed a reset. A while after that, a CS Lewis channel came across my feed. He was talking about resting and the fact that God is moving in our lives whether we see it or not.
Then, another wonderful channel appeared with beautiful scenery and positive affirmations.
Today, I came across a WONDERFUL piece from The Work At Home Guide. I HAD to share it with you as she has literally shared what I have been praying and asking for for weeks:
From Dreamer to Doer: Taking Action for Success – The Work At Home Guide
The whole point of this piece is to encourage you to just try. What you need SHALL be added to you. Who you need SHALL appear.
I hear a cup of coffee calling my name. Who is up for a cup?
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Keep trying, beloveds. If your try was not having an effect, your haters wouldn’t be hating so hard. No matter what results, you are growing. You are living. You are moving forward.
Life is much too short to waste on bitter feelings over what was or wasn’t. Move on. Move past. Start again. Again.
The bills won’t stop. The month is running out. My want to has not always wanted to.
My want to:
EVERY day, I drag want to out of bed…
Hard has been forcing me to DO SOMETHING, CASSANDRA!
The more I DO SOMETHING, the less large fear looms. In fact, fear gets embarrassed when I DO SOMETHING. Fear doesn’t know what to do, when WE do something to combat fear.
Ah.
Aha!
Just this morning, beloveds, fear told me to stop writing. Doubt chimed in and said nobody cares about you or your thoughts. Reality insisted I will NEVER see my dreams in real time.
Ha, I replied!
I appreciate hard, now. I don’t care for it being so bloody hard. I understand why, now.
Don’t be discouraged when hard gets so damned hard, beloveds. These times are simply opportunities to activate and utilize your faith. Period.
We all believe in something. Hard times simply show us what we are actually standing on.
Keep on believing in your try. Your try WILL result in a wonderfully, delicious life.
In the meantime, try not to focus so much on the hard of things. Enjoy your day. Hard is going to be hard. So what? You have thangs to do.
Tell reality to kick rocks when it reminds you of your age and limitations. We CAN. We WILL.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I REFUSE to allow hard to keep me from trying. I got thangs to do. Don’t you dare let your hard keep you from LIVING!
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 