Other times, my writing is woefully insufficient. To me. I tell myself I can’t ‘splain thangs the way I see them, in my heart. Crapola. Then, I write. Anyway.
I used to be ashamed of my why. Who in the world would want to spend their ENTIRE life encouraging the WORLD? Seems like such a really stupid thing to want to do with a life.
I have tried to do other things. I tried to ignore this why. Why? Because, it’s time consuming. Because it can be lonely. Because it can be exhausting to want to write after a full day of dealing with a world’s worth of…uh, oh…lol.
My why would never shut up. I have learned to go on ahead and do/be my why. I enjoy it. Every day. Even on the days when I am fed up with wanting to do anything.
Do what you do. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Don’t be ashamed of your why. Keep on being you. You are much needed. More than you know.
Fear kept visiting me. EVERY day. Every frustrating day!
At first, beloveds, I was confused. I tried to dismiss it. I tried to deny it. I tried to outrun it.
I prayed. I cried. I cried and prayed. I prayed and cried.
Still, stupid fear visited every, frightening, unknown, unsettling unsettled day.
I thought the fear stemmed from not having a new job. Nope. In tracing it back, the dumb fear was with me at my old job.
The fear was there long before the tornado uprooted my life.
This fear has chased me all my life. I tried all I knew to drown out this fear. This fear made me desperate to find/experience/earn:
Approval.
Recognition.
Validation.
Love.
Safety/security.
Fear of not having these things caused me to pursue them, relentlessly. I tried to find them in:
Jobs.
Hard work.
Sports.
Writing.
Church.
Friends.
Society.
My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad used to pick us kids up on Sundays for his visitation. He had us from 1 to 5 pm.
After a while, he would come later and later. Eventually, he stopped coming. I never knew why. I just knew I sat and sat and sat. I sat on the stoop waiting.
The longer I waited, the more worthless I felt. Until, I felt no worth at all. My heart was empty of a father’s love.
The empty heart of a child, grew into the empty heart of a woman. A woman, now grow, filled with sadness and the emptiness that stemmed from a father who didn’t love her(?)
That woman, grew into one who tried everything, to make herself all things, for all people. In order to win/earn/receive:
Approval.
Recognition.
Validation.
Love.
Safety/security.
One day, God knocked on the door to her heart.
Go away, she said.
Why, The Father asked.
I don’t trust You. How can YOU love me when my father would/could not?
God: Will you trust Me enough to find out?
Me: I’m afraid.
God: I know. Will you trust Me anyway?
Me: I’m afraid You will hurt me. I’m afraid You won’t show up for me.
God: I know. Will you trust Me anyway?
Me: No.
God: I’ll come see you tomorrow. Maybe then…
Gently, He saught me. Eventually, He caught me. Eventually, He taught me.
Taught me how to love. Taught me how to love ME. Taught me that I was worth it, that I was worth it, that I was worthwhile.
Now, I spend as many days, as I can, sharing this awesome message with as many folk as I can wrap my heart around.
Tomorrow is my birthday. The day I was born. There is only ONE me. A priceless soul.
As are you, beloveds. You are precious in His sight. You are a wonder. You are wonderful. You are wonderous.
Live, KNOWING that you don’t have to spend another moment ‘paying rent’. You don’t have to apologize for being you.
Lift up your head. Open your heart. Be ready to be filled with all the love your heart can hold.
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: You are worth it. You are worthwhile. You are worthy.
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
If this piece encouraged you, share it with someone please/thanks.
I used to be one of them. One of the secret ones. One of the ones who had secretly ceded the ground of their dreams.
Why?
Why not?
I was nothing.
I was no one.
I was no import. At least, that’s what the world told this black, female, loud and worthless hide.
For too many years, beloveds, I fought for everyone but me. Me, I hid. Me, I refused to champion.
Why?
Because I was a nobody, remember?
Yet, something inside me absolutely refused to believe this about me. THIS rose up, in me. THIS became my why: To let folk KNOW they were loved and NOT alone.
That folk are worthy. That folk are worthwhile. That folk are worth it. They are. We are. I am. You are.
Now, I fight. Every day. Every single damned day. I fight for you. I fight for me. I fight for us all.
Dammit, God, fight with me. Send some folk to help me. I can’t reach them all. Can/will you?
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Do THIS, beloveds. Whatever your THIS is. I would give my last dollar to be able to show a million folk how much they are loved and cared for. My dollars don’t stretch that far. All I can send are my love. Crap. Just doesn’t seemed to be a damned enough! Is it?…😥😡🎤
Be encouraged. I am foolish enough to believe these words will set someone free. I hope. Hope with me…
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
If this piece encouraged you, share it with someone please/thanks.
To give up a convenience, to help someone achieve their goal?
To try something new, knowing you may look like a fool for the wide world to see?
To forego your comfort, to help someone else find safety?
To trust in things you can not see?
To trust someone/Someone?
We sacrifice things every day. We sacrifice our time. We sacrifice our money. We sacrifice our reputation. We sacrifice our integrity. We sacrifice our truth. We sacrifice our faith.
What are we sacrificing these sacred things to/for?
Free from these chains of fear and doubt that are forever holding on to me.
My dreams are crying out.
Shouting so loud they are drowning out everything else.
I don’t know how to quiet them.
My dreams are crying. Who hears them? Who hears me?
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: I wish I could ignore these dreams of mine. It would make my life so much easier right now. I could go back to complaining about why things were not working, instead of trying to make them work. I could go back to blaming The Universe for not making my dream come true.
My dreams are holding me accountable. My dreams are forcing me to own my choices. My dreams are demanding that I make choices. My dreams are forcing me to choose. I have no one else to blame. Ack.
Okay, dreams. I will try. That’s all I can promise you. That’s all I can promise me.
What do you promise you? What do you say to your dreams?
