Aha!
I understand!
Finally!
AHA!💃🙌
Fear kept visiting me. EVERY day. Every frustrating day!
At first, beloveds, I was confused. I tried to dismiss it. I tried to deny it. I tried to outrun it.
I prayed. I cried. I cried and prayed. I prayed and cried.
Still, stupid fear visited every, frightening, unknown, unsettling unsettled day.
I thought the fear stemmed from not having a new job. Nope. In tracing it back, the dumb fear was with me at my old job.
The fear was there long before the tornado uprooted my life.
This fear has chased me all my life. I tried all I knew to drown out this fear. This fear made me desperate to find/experience/earn:
Approval.
Recognition.
Validation.
Love.
Safety/security.
Fear of not having these things caused me to pursue them, relentlessly. I tried to find them in:
Jobs.
Hard work.
Sports.
Writing.
Church.
Friends.
Society.
My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad used to pick us kids up on Sundays for his visitation. He had us from 1 to 5 pm.
After a while, he would come later and later. Eventually, he stopped coming. I never knew why. I just knew I sat and sat and sat. I sat on the stoop waiting.
The longer I waited, the more worthless I felt. Until, I felt no worth at all. My heart was empty of a father’s love.
The empty heart of a child, grew into the empty heart of a woman. A woman, now grow, filled with sadness and the emptiness that stemmed from a father who didn’t love her(?)
That woman, grew into one who tried everything, to make herself all things, for all people. In order to win/earn/receive:
Approval.
Recognition.
Validation.
Love.
Safety/security.
One day, God knocked on the door to her heart.
Go away, she said.
Why, The Father asked.
I don’t trust You. How can YOU love me when my father would/could not?
God: Will you trust Me enough to find out?
Me: I’m afraid.
God: I know. Will you trust Me anyway?
Me: I’m afraid You will hurt me. I’m afraid You won’t show up for me.
God: I know. Will you trust Me anyway?
Me: No.
God: I’ll come see you tomorrow. Maybe then…
Gently, He saught me. Eventually, He caught me. Eventually, He taught me.
Taught me how to love. Taught me how to love ME. Taught me that I was worth it, that I was worth it, that I was worthwhile.
Now, I spend as many days, as I can, sharing this awesome message with as many folk as I can wrap my heart around.
Tomorrow is my birthday. The day I was born. There is only ONE me. A priceless soul.
As are you, beloveds. You are precious in His sight. You are a wonder. You are wonderful. You are wonderous.
Live, KNOWING that you don’t have to spend another moment ‘paying rent’. You don’t have to apologize for being you.
Lift up your head. Open your heart. Be ready to be filled with all the love your heart can hold.
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: You are worth it. You are worthwhile. You are worthy.
One step.
One step.
One step.
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
If this piece encouraged you, share it with someone please/thanks.
- THE HAND FROM HEAVEN ✋🏾☁️🧻🤣
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 