Tonight, I cried. In compassion, for me. For all I lost. I cried for that which will never be.
Then, I rose. I move forward. I embrace the process. I work towards revealing the greatness that resides deep inside of me.
Still.
I am.
I still can.
I will.
So, too, must you, beloveds. Get a move on it. We don’t have time to waste.
Your life is far from over. Stop judging yourself so harshly. You give your all, on the daily. Let this be enough. YOU are enough.
I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me. 🤗🥰👍🙏😳😎🛎💃🏽
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: We got this. I love you. The best is yet to come Don’t give up yet. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to wonder You don’t have to know everything right now.
You can only take one step at a time. Take another . Rinse and repeat.
The outcome of the game does NOT define you. The score doesn’t make you a winner.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Too often, beloveds, we use the score to determine if we are winning, in life, or not. The score, more often than not, has very precious little with whether we are winning or not.
It depends on your meaning of ‘winning’. What does winning look like to you?
Right now, I am winning. Not in the bank account. Not in the work area. Not in the grieving area.
So, where the world, you may ask, am I winning?
I woke up this morning.
I woke up the morning before that.
I woke up the morning before that.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Right now, beloveds, ALL my energy is going towards simply getting up, making a cup of coffee, making lemonade, lemon meringue, lemon tarts, lemon pudding, and a million different concoctions from all of these blasted lemons that life continues to hand me. Holy Smokes!
I am finding my way. Just a smidge. My good habits truly have been keeping me in good stead. My good habits would NOT allow me to hide beneath a pile of comforters and solitude.
My good habits made me:
Put on the coffee.
Pick up my blue screwdriver.
Hold a terribly offkey concert to any and all unfortunates within earshot.
Yes, my heart wobbles. Yea, I have no idea if grief will stroll behind me and give me a hug.
Still, I rejoice. Still, I sing. Badly. Lustily. Full, of life. Why? Good habits? Cuz Life says so?
Cuz, I say so.
What of you?
Enjoy your life. Stop taking score. Do your best. You are going to come out on top. You are going to finish last. So what? Which outcome means more? Be satisfied you entered the arena and played.
Let’s continue to be about being about it.
I’m getting enough pieces done to get through the rest of the month. I have to go back to work next week. If I can. I’m going to give it my best effort(s). I am hoping the panic attacks won’t return. Goodness and gravy panic attacks are NO fun.
I am being better to myself. I am cutting myself more slack. In the past, I would have blamed myself for even having panic attacks. I would have lectured myself. I would have told myself to get a grip. I would have admonished myself.
Now, I tell myself it’s okay. I tell myself I WILL be okay. Some kind of way. In the meantime, I am STILL a worthwhile person panicked, tired, grief-stricken and all. This, too, shall pass. I am doing my utmost to stay me in the midst of all this what in the fresh hell.
Be encouraged. Enjoy your day. Me and my blue screwdriver have been lighting up the living room with wails, er, song, for the past little while. I sure do feel sorry for the neighbors…smh.
In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. Have an amazing rest of today.
I owe You an apology. A big one. A huge one. A grateful one.
I’m sorry.
For doubting You.
For questioning You during Your Silence.
For doubting AND questioning ME because of Your Silence.
For, Your Silence sent failure my way. And, failure sat many a question outside my door.
God, I SEE now why You allowed failure to come along.
Why?
Ah, God. Let me tell You. Better yet, let me SHOW You.
To be continued, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This letter has been a long time coming. Stay tuned, beloveds. You may find yourself within it’s page.🥰
I have much to say. I have much to share. Be patient with me. Be patient with YOU. I don’t know when or how this shall end. I don’t know how I shall end. Neither do you.
You are watching the birth, the rebrand of “The Storyteller”. Who is she? Ah. Aha! Great question! You shall be meeting her soon. I have missed her.
God woke me up to tell me a story. He woke me so I could tell you. I am going to tell it within a video. Look for it soon.
In the meantime, beloveds, think it not strange, as the bible says, when fiery trials come upon you. You SHALL come forth from them as gold. Your tests were NEVER about failure. Yet, ALL tests are about dealing with failure, with possible failure, with overcoming failure, with allowing failure to…
Ah, I am getting ahead of myself! I digress. Be encouraged. We got this. God has us all. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. 😎🥰👍
Still, I made sure to spend quality time via text/call/prayer to fam and friends and loved ones gone.
I determined NOT to use the holidays as reason to be sad because I am physically alone. I can love folk other ways. I can allow myself to be loved.
After loving on some them, I wanted to love on some me. I wanted to enjoy some YouTube shorts that are either uplifting or that make me laugh out loud, in the dark.
I looked at the clock. It was late. Not too late, I told myself. I gave myself half an hour to enjoy me some me.🤗
Be sure to get in your ME time, beloveds. It’s important. You need to be sure to refresh and replenish.
It’s late. Bed is hollering for me. I got thangs to do.
Be encouraged. Be sure to get some thangs done, okay?
I turned off the alarm, intent on not doing the day.
I told intent to shut it.
I boiled eggs.
I made coffee.
Who wants some?
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Don’t allow your feels to run the show. Tell your feels to shut it and get up and get moving already. Hard will STILL be waiting for you. Remember, though, hard ain’t nothing but a word. We got this. And, if we don’t got this, we know Who does. Be encouraged.
Throw in some well meaning platitudes, from folk having NO idea what to say and you have lived my day.
I have scraped through it.
Barely.
Horrified.
Sleepy.
Grief wanted to stay in bed. I allowed my mad to tell grief to shut the fuck up. I don’t swear. Yet, the swearing FEELS good.
I can’t yet FEEL much, beloveds, so am taking what I can get. The numb is a welcome blanket.
I need to call and check on my siblings. I almost called woman to ask if she can BELIEVE this shit?! I can’t. Dammit. Fuck. Shit.
Excuse me, God, if my language is offensive today. I don’t have the energy to worry about Your Feelings. I have not yet determined if I am angry with You.
I don’t think so. You have been gently preparing my spirit. For days. For weeks.
Yea, God. I knew. I knew sis was NOT okay. I did/said/tried all I knew.
Our last conversation was disjointed. I tried anyway. Til, she stopped answering the phone. Til, she stopped texting back. Til, she stopped trying.
Shit, sis.
I don’t have time to be angry. I have an important assessment to take tomorrow. My new job depends upon a pass. I can’t afford to fail.
How in the holy fresh hell did you decide to choose NOW to leave me behind and struggling to hang to:
My sanity.
My job.
My hope.
My joy.
I’m pissed, sis. Pissed that I had to scrape my joy from the midst of despair so deep I can not yet feel it.
I’m mad. I FINALLY moved past Christmas being the day mom died.
Worse, I can’t rejoice over my new job. Now, you have made it the week you decided you had to go. Fresh hell.
Your hurt, hurt too much. I hurt that you didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t trust me with the worst of it.
Still, I choose to remember our yaks. I choose to remember our ridiculous endings to our calls.
I called you most nights. I told you that I would call you still.
Goodnight, big stister. Later, gator, tomater…🤣 The call would end with my laugh. Now, I shall try and smile. Just a smidge.
Your pain has ended. You are free. Look out for me. Help me to pass my test. Even the work one tomorrow. I know you caught the pun.
Be encouraged, sis.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: This day has been years long. Now, I get to fight the evening until dawn shows up. Shit.
Sis has been going through SOMETHING. I can hear it in her voice. I kept asking her “what’s wrong “? She keeps saying “nothing”.
My spidey senses wouldn’t let me leave her be. I kept calling. She kept saying she was fine. She stopped texting.
Initially, I magnanimously advised I was going to leave her be. Said she was being rude. Smh.
Today, God whispered for me to just love on her. He told me to take up the texting/yakking end and NOT allow HER silence to cause ME to withdraw and become silent.
See, beloveds, foolishness only wants us to join in and act a fool. Anger wants us to get angry regardless if we understand what’s going on.
Not knowing does NOT like not knowing. NOT knowing causes curiosity to get all up in it’s feelings. That’s why God tells us to just love folk.
We do NOT have to understand to love. Yes, it does help knowing where to pray and support.
Still, beloveds, can’t we simply love on folk when we see or sense they could use extra love, care, hope, laughter prayer etc?
Must life ALWAYS be about US? Surely, not. I am doing my utmost to love folk UNCONDITIONALLY. I admit that I initially failed.
For a few moments, I allowed HER silence to cause ME to feel some kind of way. Just because my inner dialogue was admonishing me that my love wasn’t enough to make her speak.
I told those lies to shut up, already! I REFUSE to apply strings to my love and my care.
I hope someone can understand what I am desperate to convey.
Sis needs her silence. She also needs my love. Simple as that.
I love you, wombie. I’m here as best as I can be.
I share this with you, beloveds, in the hope that some may have their own lightbulb turned on. Love is NOT meant to be a business transaction.
Have an amazing weekend. Training this week has been something. More on that later. Geeeeeeeeeeeez.😳🥰🤣
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 