Tag: self-improvement

Desperation: When nobody understands but me.

I’m desperate.

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

Grief has been hunting me down.

I don’t have TIME for no stinkin’ grief. Quite frankly, beloveds, grief does NOT give two F’s. I am exhausted enough to almost have said the entirety of the word. I’m trying not to be uncouth. Crapola and Apple Dumplings. Yes, those are a stupid combination, of words, but they are the cleanest I know and I am doing my utmost to NOT give in to:

Despair.

Despair.

Despair and more…

Despair.

I don’t dare waste time screaming, hollering, or raging against the dying of the flippin’ night.

Instead, beloveds, I am doing my best to be encouraging, thoughtful, understanding. I’m trying to be a good sis, a knowledgeable worker, a fabulous Christian, a tastefully grieving wombie(so as not to disappoint said dead other wombie), and all the other ‘good’ and ‘approved’ things society/life/folk apparently think a twin SHOULD be, at a time like this.

Dammit….oppps. My bad. My sad wants sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo desperately to behave badly.

I keep getting bothersome news that I have to find a way to turn into positive good. I find myself looking up, moving forward, when ALL I want to do, NEED to do, is to dive into bed and hide under a comforter of solitude.

I’m desperate. I’m tired. Still, nobody understands….but me.

I have been in search of words. ALL day. And, I mean ALL DAY!

I have to be completely honest. I reached out to everyone but God today. I don’t know if I am angry with him or not, but I didn’t reach out to him today. Normally. I would have prayed and asked for grace. I would have prayed and asked for comfort.

For some reason, I didn’t. For some reason, I couldn’t. I didn’t even put on my praise music. Thinking on this, I found myself turning on some praise. I found myself, turning to Him. I found myself, climbing onto His Lap. Ah, God, what on earth, do I DO with ME now?

asking for a friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I don’t know if this was a comfort to anyone. I’m not sure it’s comforting me….

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I made sure I made time for ME.

I was tired.

It was a looooooong day.

Still, I made sure to spend quality time via text/call/prayer to fam and friends and loved ones gone.

I determined NOT to use the holidays as reason to be sad because I am physically alone. I can love folk other ways. I can allow myself to be loved.

After loving on some them, I wanted to love on some me. I wanted to enjoy some YouTube shorts that are either uplifting or that make me laugh out loud, in the dark.

I looked at the clock. It was late. Not too late, I told myself. I gave myself half an hour to enjoy me some me.🤗

Be sure to get in your ME time, beloveds. It’s  important. You need to be sure to refresh and replenish.

It’s late. Bed is hollering for me. I got thangs to do.

Be encouraged. Be sure to get some thangs done, okay?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 😎

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Failure: For such a time as THIS. Part II.

This.

THIS!

THIS, God?!

Really?

REALLY!?

Are You SERIOUS, God?

Really, no, reallllllllllly???!

Do you mean to tell me I HAVE to rejoice, that I HAVE to keep my joy, that I HAVE to keep on keeping on, that I HAVE to keep standing on FAITH, that I HAVE to keep standing on BUSINESS, that I HAVE to keep having to even through all of THHISSSSSSSSSSSSS??!!!!

*Cassandra slaps around some of her grief, knocks aside some of the much too much and too many lemons(hard) that have been deposited lately, kicked her way through work stuff that just ain’t working, sighed over bills(math) that was just NOT mathing(matching) a paycheck, not yet received, that has ALREADY been allocated and found wanting*

Geeeeeeeeeeez, Louise. Holy Toledo and Holy Smokes. Heckamiah what in the fresh hell Miah is all THIS going on around here????????!!

Life has been an interesting rollercoaster. Up, one minute. Ready to slap, I don’t even know who, the next. Not literally, though. Just figuratively, in some way, to try and scratch the depth of grief I can NOT fathom, let alone grasp.

In all my brilliant words, I have yet to find ANY that truly soothes my spirit. Except, oddly, the word “shit”. I dont swear, tho. So, I sneak one out, e’ry now and again. Quietly. Where no one but me can hear. Not even God.

I do, however, see the tiny smile, on His Face. I think He is giving me THAT small space to keep it a buck, as these young folks say.

For such a time as THIS, wh, God? Okay, I shall try. Best as I can. You are going to have to make something of this mess I have made of/with my grief.

asking for many friends,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Hang in there, beloveds. For such a time as this…🤔😥😡😳🙏🤷🏿‍♀️

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I failed forwards.

I failed.

Forwards.

Not backwards.

I failed.

Often.

Not less.

I failed.

Hard, which made me fall hard.

Ow!

Still, all this flailing, all this failing, all of this falling has gone and done nothing but teach me HOW to fail FORWARDS.

Ha!

Ah!

Aha!!

Keep failing FORWARD, beloveds. Don’t get too terribly upset when you fall. Laugh whilst you are flat on your face. Then, turn over and laugh some more!😎🤣

We got this, frfr.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Believing me in some you…lol.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Failure made me do it.

Failure made me do it:

Try harder.

Try again.

Try some more.

Nuff said.
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Don’t be afraid to fail. Fail forward. Fail often. Rest, if you must. But keep going. Failure has much to say. Failure has much to teach you. Will you listen? Will you learn? Asking for A Friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Who can relate??👈🏽😂 #shorts

https://youtube.com/shorts/4XnM6Gc1yTc?si=C_7Ln40BQWFAiElI

True that!🥰

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Have an amazing day. Life too short to hop out of bed grumpy. Unless it’s your work day. Your day off coming, tho.🤣

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Grief will have it’s way, and that’s okay. I told sad no, though. 🤗

It’s Christmas Eve.

I wondered how I would feel. On THIS day. With wombie gone. For the first of many times.

I thought work would be hard. It wasn’t. I ordered a joyful day. This day, having been made for me, by the Lord, as the good book says.😎

So, I scrounged up some joy.

Grief stopped by. Asked if it could stay. I said only for a brief moment. I used that time for a teensy, weensy cry. I had things to do.

Sad saw grief. Asked if it could stay, too. I said heckamiah Jeremiah to the naw. I got thangs to do. I got about doing thangs…

I talked and laughed, with my work daughter. 🥰🤗

I gabbed with fam and friends, via text.

I made the Velveeta Shells and Cheese for Christmas dinner. 🥰😎👍

I made strawberry jello for dessert. My weight said NO Cool Whip to top off said jello…*pout*.

I decided to be efficient and yak at yall, whilst the chicken breasts cooked away in the air fryer.

Happily, joyfully, I pecked away until the smell of burning(?) chicken hollered from tue kitchen…huh?

Huh?

HUH?! OMG!!

*Cassandra rushes to the kitchen, took photo of the food crime scene, and updated the dinner list to include hockey pucks, formerly known as chicken breasts. 😳🤔🤷🏿‍♀️

I’m satisfied. I worked a week I was CERTAIN I would never make it through. I quit 50 times, during the week. I have Christmas off. Then,  have to work Friday and will have the weekend off. A fair trade. I think  😳🤣

Be encouraged, beloveds. You can do so much more than you give yourself credit for.  I am learning I can as well. In real time.

Have an amazing tomorrow.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 😁😎🥰🙏

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Instead.

The world wants to divide us.

Unite, instead.

Hate wants us to hate one another.

Love, instead.

Apathy wants us to throw our hands up in defeat.

Try harder, instead.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 🥰 I love yall. I truly do. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to see my fellow man/woman/child as my/the enemy. No way, nada, not a chance, get the hecks on already!!

Beloveds, life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very short. Love folks. Who gives two hoots in ALL that is holy who voted for who, who got what in the bank, who lives where, who has this many followers, who has that 100,000 car they can NOT afford, who lives in that multi million dollar home the Jones can NOT afford the furniture for and are eating ramen noodles anyways!!!!!!????????

Whew. Yall going to have to excuse me. My twin is dead. My mom is gone. My dad is gone. I survived a tornado that did 30 million plus damage. I am learning job after having had to go 17 months to find. I ain’t got time for this world’s foolishness and neither do you.

Tomorrow is NOT promised. If you one of the 1% who is counting your stash whilst elderly/kids/veterans/disabled folks can’t eat, is the money worth it? If you are part of the 99% who are blaming those who do not look like you, for all/some/quite a bit of your problems and don’t think there is enough to go around to feed/clothe/sustain us all…*sigh*. No comment.

Yall, we can all do better by one another, can’t we? I’m trying to shine my light. I am trying to be a light. I am loving this hard-headed world the best I can, as hard as I can, for as long as I can. Some folk help me out wouldja please/thanks. Asking for A Friend. I love me some you.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

This grief…

This grief…

does not define me.

This grief…

is NOT me.

This grief…

is like a splinter that MUST be removed!

This grief…

is a friend who brings the opportunity to say goodbye.

This grief…

is opportunity to let go.

This grief…

is NOT my new normal.

This grief…

is just that: grief.

Knowing these things, I move FORWARD.  Understanding these things,  I look UP.

I’m in the have to stage of hard. I have to. I can’t base my try on anyone or anything else.

I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.

Be encouraged.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I didn’t think I could do today. I didn’t know HOW. Try simply asked me to try. I tried. I did. Be encouraged. We got this. And, even when WE don’t got this, He has got this.🥰🙏👍

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Ah, sis…

Wombie and I literally finished each others sentences for 57 years. What do I DO with me now?😳

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 🤷🏿‍♀️

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!