Tag: self-improvement

What in the actual 🤬

I was just about to get on the fake it til you make it train. I decided NOT to board. I told my mad that SHE was in charge today!

I can NOT bring back my twin. I can NOT stop this bouquet of lemons. I CAN and DO decide to let my mad do with them AND me as she pleases. It shall be an interesting today. These are her first morning salvo texts:

I am NOT okay. I don’t have the bandwidth to pretend I am. I realize ALL I have done since sis passed, since ALL this job hard/ridiculous when it doesn’t/shouldn’t have to be, 17 months of trying to find work hell, tornado, trying to overcome tornado, find a job AND maintain fam relationships, AND make sure twin was okay by calling EVERY day, doing/saying/giving ALL that I have/had has led up to a passed away twin, a damned test on things we don’t know what the hell as we literally have not been able to use the system has all led up to… a pile of hot garbage. Dammit, Lynette, what in the actual fuck have you gone and done at THIS blasted time when it has taken ALL this time to come back from hell just to be put back in it and HAVE to fake it til I make it today?! ANFW.🤬😳😥

One of my bro responded and told me to feel what I feel. I said:

What in the actual fuck? I am angry. I want to call and cuss her out. I can’t which is making me more angry! I don’t swear 🤬. Crap.

This shall be an interesting day. I shall endeavor to be civil and uplifting in this space as I already have a week’s worth of uplifting posts WRITTEN WHEN MY STUPID TWIN WAS ALIVE BUT NOW SHE IS NOT AND I HAVE TO TRY AND MOVE FORWARD AND MOVE PAST AND STAND TEN TOES DOWN ON FAITH AND TRY ANX PASS A DAMNED TEST I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FRESH HELL IS GOING ON WHILE TRYING TO CONSOLE SIBLINGS WHEN NONE OF THIS IS EVEN REAL AND WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, SIS?!

aski

wondering what in the actual fuck,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I am embarrassed. I have blogged for FIVE years. I have encouraged the entire world for five years. I needed the world. The world was it’s usual silent self. Embarrassing. I checked an empty inbox. Embarrassing.

Thanks, Britta, and the few who at least gave a like. My heart was glad.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

When the longest day of your life, truly has been THE absolute longest day of your life.

Wtf, sis?

What in the actual fuck?

Dammit, sis.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Throw in some well meaning platitudes, from folk having NO idea what to say and you have lived my day.

I have scraped through it.

Barely.

Horrified.

Sleepy.

Grief wanted to stay in bed. I allowed my mad to tell grief to shut the fuck up. I don’t swear. Yet, the swearing FEELS good.

I can’t yet FEEL much, beloveds, so am taking what I can get. The numb is a welcome blanket.

I need to call and check on my siblings. I almost called woman to ask if she can BELIEVE this shit?! I can’t. Dammit. Fuck. Shit.

Excuse me, God, if my language is offensive today. I don’t have the energy to worry about Your Feelings. I have not yet determined if I am angry with You.

I don’t think so. You have been gently preparing my spirit. For days. For weeks.

Yea, God. I knew. I knew sis was NOT okay. I did/said/tried all I knew.

Our last conversation was disjointed. I tried anyway. Til, she stopped answering the phone. Til, she stopped texting back. Til, she stopped trying.

Shit, sis.

I don’t have time to be angry. I have an important assessment to take tomorrow. My new job depends upon a pass. I can’t afford to fail.

How in the holy fresh hell did you decide to choose NOW to leave me behind and struggling to hang to:

My sanity.

My job.

My hope.

My joy.

I’m pissed, sis. Pissed that I had to scrape my joy from the midst of despair so deep I can not yet feel it.

I’m mad. I FINALLY moved past Christmas being the day mom died.

Worse, I can’t rejoice over my new job. Now, you have made it the week you decided you had to go. Fresh hell.

Your hurt, hurt too much. I hurt that you didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t trust me with the worst of it.

Still, I choose to remember our yaks. I choose to remember our ridiculous endings to our calls.

I called you most nights. I told you that I would call you still.

Goodnight, big stister. Later, gator, tomater…🤣 The call would end with my laugh. Now, I  shall try and smile. Just a smidge.

Your pain has ended. You are free. Look out for me. Help me to pass my test. Even the work one tomorrow. I know you caught the pun.

Be encouraged, sis.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: This day has been years long. Now, I get to fight the evening until dawn shows up. Shit.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Goodbye, wombie. 😥

Beloveds, I sure hate to share this news…

My twin, my wombie, my friend was found deceased in her apartment yesterday. I just found out a few hours ago.

I think she was waiting for me to get through the first week of training. I KNEW something was wrong.

For months, for weeks I have done all I could, said all I could, prayed all I could, hoped all I could, loved on her all I could.

The bible says God won’t put on us more than we can bear. He surely must think I’m a tough old broad. Geeez, God.

I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me. I can’t afford to take off the three days of bereavement leave. Perhaps, work will be a distraction.

Wombie is with mom now. Wow. Wow.

Don’t give up, beloveds. Life truly IS worth living. Even when it’s hard. Especially then.

I am standing on my faith. Just barely. Am sure I will be pissed off with wombie when the shock wears off. May tell off God a bit also. Could have waited until AFTER Christmas. Holy Jehoshaphat.

If there are ANY praying folk in here, a sister surely could use one or two or fifty. Condolence via email at ttnette37@yahoo.com would be of comfort but ONLY if done out of love and care and NOT guilt.

Life goes on. It has to. I have to. Sis would be holy hacked if I didn’t.

Dammit wombie. What in the actual fuck have you done? Yall going to have to forgive the swear word. I think God will understand, as well.

P.S. Britta, ask your mom to look after my twin for me. Fresh hell.

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Wow, sis. What the f…?

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Love them through THEIR hard.

I learned a valuable lesson today.

Sis has been going through SOMETHING. I can hear it in her voice. I kept asking her “what’s wrong “? She keeps saying “nothing”.

My spidey senses wouldn’t let me leave her be. I kept calling. She kept saying she was fine. She stopped texting.

Initially, I magnanimously advised I was going to leave her be. Said she was being rude. Smh.

Today, God whispered for me to just love on her. He told me to take up the texting/yakking end and NOT allow HER silence to cause ME to withdraw and become silent.

See, beloveds, foolishness only wants us to join in and act a fool. Anger wants us to get angry regardless if we understand what’s going on.

Not knowing does NOT like not knowing. NOT knowing causes curiosity to get all up in it’s feelings. That’s why God tells us to just love folk.

We do NOT have to understand to love. Yes, it does help knowing where to pray and support.

Still, beloveds, can’t we simply love on folk when we see or sense they could use extra love, care, hope, laughter  prayer etc?

Must life ALWAYS be about US? Surely, not. I am doing my utmost to love folk UNCONDITIONALLY. I admit that I initially failed.

For a few moments, I allowed HER silence to cause ME to feel some kind of way. Just because my inner dialogue was admonishing me that my love wasn’t enough to make her speak.

I told those lies to shut up, already! I REFUSE to apply strings to my love and my care.

I hope someone can understand what I am desperate to convey.

Sis needs her silence. She also needs my love. Simple as that.

I love you, wombie. I’m here as best as I can be.

I share this with you, beloveds, in the hope that some may have their own lightbulb turned on. Love is NOT meant to be a business transaction.

Have an amazing weekend. Training this week has been something. More on that later. Geeeeeeeeeeeez.😳🥰🤣

Be encouraged. Love someone. Starting with you!

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I love you. Just cuz.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Keep standing ten toes down on FAITH.

No words for the hard of today.

In fact, even hard had to shrug.

EVERY corner had some what in the fresh hell is this within in.😳

What did I CHOOSE to do?

I turned on some praise music.

I prepared supper.

I prayed.

I thanked God.

I prayed some more.

I went over my gratefuls.

I was grateful.

I AM grateful.

For the hard.

For all the what in the fresh hell is this found in every corner.

For my hot supper.

For Thursday Night Football.

For God’s Promises that ALL things work together FOR my good and that NO weapon, formed against me, shall prosper.

With ALL the above, what the world do I have to be bothered about?

I just stopped by to encourage someone. Starting with me.

Oh, yea, I forgot to add the phone has decided NOT to dial out and I don’t have back up or landline. Hopefully, it will work itself out before work tomorrow.

Be encouraged. Do NOT waste your joy fretting over things that have ALREADY happened. What are you going to DO?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: We got this.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

It’s NOT over.

Your dreams are NOT over.

Your future is NOT over.

Calamity does NOT await you around every corner.

Beloveds, life truly is what YOU make it. YOU decide if you win. YOU decide if you lose.

YOU decide to move forward.  YOU decide whether to run back in fear.

Fear does NOT run you. Rather, it doesn’t have to. YOU decide how long fear shall have its say.

Be encouraged. You CAN. You WILL.

When, beloveds, will you truly begin to believe in YOU?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: You got this.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Hang in there. Don’t worry about how many steps it takes.

I’m starting over with starting over. I’m starting to get my shape back in hell. Yeah, I know that sounds backwards. I feel backwards.

I took out the trash and went for a walk. The dumpster seemed like it was forever away. I fought discouragement every step. It felt good.

I just stopped by to encourage someone. Don’t worry about how many steps it takes. Just take the first one. And then another one. And then another one. Until you have reached your goal.

And even if you don’t reach your goal, you will still have won the race!

going with you,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Let’s Go!!

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Life is not always about winning.

Life is not always about winning.

It’s not all about losing, either.

It’s about showing up.

It’s about being willing to never take the field and to be okay with not having taken the field.

It’s about cheering for the winners.

It’s about commiserating with the losers.

It’s about winning it all, on the final play.

It’s about losing everything, on the first hand.

It’s about being willing to be the goat, in the hope of being the hero.

It’s about handling the jeers, along with the cheers.

It’s about squeezing out EVERY moment, from EVERY moment.

It’s about practice.

It’s about potential.

It’s all about the possibilities.

Ah, beloveds, get in the game! Enjoy your life. Life is worth living. Even the hard parts. Especially, those ones!😁👍😎

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is short. Get out there and live.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

What are you doing with your HERE?

Life has led you HERE.

Hard has led you HERE.

The Universe has led you HERE.

God has led you HERE.

Disappointment has led you HERE.

Hope has led you HERE.

Discouragement has led you HERE.

Love has led you HERE.

The past has led you HERE.

The future has led you HERE.

Perseverance has led you HERE.

Giving up has led you HERE.

Anger has led you HERE.

Apathy has led you HERE.

You are HERE, beloveds. The how of it, the why of it, the when of it, the who of it, matters little now.

You ARE here. Right NOW. What are YOU going to DO with your HERE?

Life is what YOU make it. What are you making/creating/building/destroying?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: There are NO victims HERE, beloveds. WE decide. WE choose. WE SHALL make it. Be encouraged.

Keep looking UP. Keep moving FORWARD. We got this.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

What do I see(When I look at you)?

What do I see(When I look at you)?

I see the light in your eyes.

I see the love in your heart.

I see the goodness in your soul.

I see YOU, beloveds.

What do YOU see(When you look at me)?

asking for A Friend,
Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Love one another. We are NOT transactions to be suffered through. We are NOT Mark’s to be taken advantage of. We are NOT thoughtless beasts with no room for growth, change, and love.

We ARE all:

Flawed.

Different.

Indifferent, at times.

Still, se are all we got. Yet, we are all we need…



One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!