The thing I need to DO, so I can make what I want, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO YET!!!!!
I am pressing this, selecting that, trying the other.
ALL I have managed to do, beloveds, is spend three or four hours doing things wrong.
I keep telling myself to be patient. I keep fighting the urge to want to fling open the front door and hence my laptop over the balcony!!…*stamps foot*…*pout*.
Instead I have been:
Taking deep breaths.
Counting to 10.
Recounting to 10.
Telling myself to keep on counting to 10 so as not to snatch OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AND HEAVE MY LAPTOP OVER THE RAILING!!!!!!!!
Whew, it’s either laugh, cry, or toss my laptop over the railing.
I chose to laugh. I have taken a short break so I can listen to upbeat music to save my laptop from taking a beating.
The old me would have quit, angry, hours ago. The resolved me keeps reminding the old me that learning NEW things takes time. A lot of it, apparently. Whew!
Things will come. I am following my heart. Finally. Ah, God, this feels good. Even the aggravating parts.
The things I NEED to know, in order to do what I need to do, I don’t know how to do…yet.
I’m waiting for yet to catch up with me!😤💯🥰🫶
waiting for yet, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Be encouraged, beloveds. Change takes time. Learning takes time. Be sure to carry enough joy and laughter with you to get through the aggravation. 😎
Then, NEVER give up on you on your dreams, on your future, on your hopes for mankind.
Remember, beloveds.
Chaos wants you to think it has always and always will be here. It hasn’t. It won’t. It shan’t. It mustn’t. It can’t.
WE decide how long we will allow chaos inside us, around us, between us.
I choose to remember a time where most of us cared about all of us. We can return to that time. In the meantime, I am BEING that time/person/safe space.
I wanted to pick up my dream toys and go home. I still want to. This is what I texted my sis:
Am pretty discouraged. I did the last thing to do when launching by sending link out instead of waiting for the algorithm to suggest and send out my video.
YouTube sends to small sample of my subscribers and if they watch, they send to more folk etc. The problem is not the first video but no one watched the second onward so YouTube is not pushing them out. I could kick myself.
Terribly disappointed only the six folk watched. I appreciate the ones who did.
I know fam and friends typically do not rush to their folks channel. I could kick myself. I was super proud of accomplishing a goal of many years. I wasn’t thinking about folk living their lives.
I wish I wasn’t a creative person. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish what I did paid the bills. I wish…
I decided to stop round and tell someone to hang in there. I started with me.
God reminding me of days when I trusted Him completely.
God reminded me of when I lived life free from fear and despair.
God reminded me of all the times I laughed when doubt came my way.
God reminded me of all the fight I had in me when I thought all had been lost.
God reminded me of all the days I laughed my way through difficulty.
God reminded me of all I had done to be the best me that I could.
Then, God reminded me to keep on being me, He kissed my gently on the forehead then got about His Business which was taking care of my business and yours…lol.
Be reminded, beloveds, of all you have been, of all you have done, of all the victories you have won, of all the battles you have fought, of all you have yet to experience and enjoy.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: What do you need to be reminded of, beloveds?
The mandate God gave me when I was just a wee one.
Just write. Encourage others. Be encouraged yourself.
I did that. For years. For decades. I was happy. I didn’t have much in the way of money. I didn’t care. I wrote. I encouraged folk. I encouraged me. I enjoyed my relationship with God.
I did so. Happily. For 40 years. After that, beloveds, I allowed hard to become too hard. Okay, real talk…*sigh*.
About that time, God prodded me to move on to writing in order to make a financial way and life for myself. I was afraid to. I dressed it up behind not being ready financially. I told myself I would do so when I was stable/able/had a platform.
I made up a million reasons/excuses/situations/circumstances. Oh, I didn’t do so out in the open, beloveds. I was much more discreet. I made sure to wrap things up in piety and humility so folks wouldn’t know, so I wouldn’t know I was just terrified to try and fail.
In doing so, I locked myself into a prison of comfort/sameness/you had best not move/goodness and gravy you could lose everything frame of mind and kept my head down.
I helped others reach their goals. I worked to help work achieve theirs. I killed myself in order that others didn’t have to. I enjoyed doing so.
Still, I had the longing to try things MY way. I wanted to write weird things. I wanted to say ridiculous things. I wanted to make a living encouraging the entire world. That desire never left. I buried it. I crammed it in drawers when it got to noisy.
I turned up the noise in my life when that desire became too loud to ignore.
THAT desire, though, got so blasted hard to ignore and carry around, in my heart. I begged God to take the dream from me. I besought The Universe to leave me alone and bug someone else. I bartered with Life to allow me to just hide among mundane things. None listened.
My heart refused to be silent. One day, about a year before the tornado hit, the horrifying thought that what I truly wanted to do I could NOT afford to, financially, truly set in.
I felt trapped at work. I enjoyed my work but it wasn’t MY work. I was miserable, then, doing anything other than what my heart had truly wanted to do.
The tornado came and upset my apple cart. I had to begin again. I had to ask myself if I was going to return to that awful, awful, awfully discouraging activity of working for a job I should have left years ago. Yes, it paid the bills. Still, it had been time for me to find something else so I could begin to build on my dreams.
I hesitated because other jobs paid far, far less than what I made. Yes, I could have made it while earning less but moving towards MY writing future. I was scared to bet on me. I was scared to take the chance. The tornado took that option out of my hands.
I decided to bet on me. To do so until there is no more me. How will I make it? I have not the foggiest idea. I can say I have been having a blast fighting through all the fear, all the hard, all the discomfort, all the not knowing. It has been maddening. It has also been a hoot.
Why? Because, I am walking towards MY future. I may fail. I have failed a billion times, already. I am failing forward. I am working towards something just for ME. Ah, God. How exhausting. How entertaining. How exasperating.
Still, I have gotten back to just writing. Just write, God said to me.
I will.
I do.
I am.
writing just cuz He said to,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: It feels good living a life free from fear. I’m not worrying about how the bills are going to be paid. The only thing I’m worried about is whether I’m going to put French vanilla Creamer in my coffee!
Fear not. Things will workout. Don’t spend your night afraid that you’re going to lose. You are going to lose at times. You’re going to win at times. You would lose some things, you would gain some things. Life is going to life. Make the best of things. Enjoy the journey along the way.
Sometimes, a good chuckle is needed to get through the day.
I just stopped by to offer a smile, a shoulder, a hug and a heaping helping of love and care.
A while back, beloveds, I came across a video where someone was being skeptical about folk actually loving and caring for others. He didn’t believe there were folks who genuinely love and care for no other reason than to love and to care. How sad.
I think about that man, from time to time. I wonder what caused his life to be so bitter. Yes, there are countless souls who choose to spend their days climbing over others in search of the bag and apparent prestige.
I choose to spend my days extending my heart, my shoulder, my care. I can’t do one whit about those who choose to act and live in a reckless and non caring manner. I pray for them. I pray for them all. Okay, mini rant over.
I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I no longer question God as to WHY in the world He has chosen ME to encourage the world EVERY day. He did. I do. I love it. I love me. I love Him. I love you. I love a world in which there are many who hate me just because I was born in the apparently wrong body. No matter.
Take care of your beautiful heart, beloveds. I love you. More than you know. Love me back. Someone yak at me in the comments. It lifts my spirits just at the right time.
I was thinking, recently, about the time, many moons ago, when ALL I had to live on was one HUGE can of instant Folger’s coffee.
I had no money. I had just enough gas to get back to work and back. I had just enough money to pay the rent, keep the lights on and pay the water bill. That’s it. There had been nothing left over for non-essential items like food. Ha! Who needed food?
Still, that time was some of the most precious/joyous/memorable times of my life. It was back in the early 90’s when God began to bug me about REALLY writing. He told me to call myself “The Storyteller” I argued with Him. I may have written a piece about that. I have written a story about it. I am going to have to dig out my stories and share them. Ah, those days.
Anywho, I had gotten to the portion of my life where I had no funds. I had a job. A job that didn’t pay much. I was the Breakfast Coordinator at a Residence Inn. I loved that job!
I was in charge of getting breakfast ready. I came in, super early. There was a small kitchen. I had free reign at the breakfast/lunch menu. I cooked. I kept the coffee going. I kept the four table clear. I yakked with the guests.
I daydreamed about what it would be like to be able to travel all over, to be able to live MY dreams as I fed folks as they went about their ‘important’ lives.
MY life, however, just didn’t feel important. All I did, or so I told myself, was serve others as THEY got to live ‘important’ lives.
At the end of the day, I would wipe down the tables, for the last time, then make my way home to a small place with nothing in it but one HUGE can of Folgers coffee.
I wasn’t sad about it. I wasn’t mad about it. I didn’t fuss at God about it. All I di d was make my coffee, write and hang out with God. I didn’t lament about not having ‘enough’.
For me, beloveds, that cup of coffee, that quiet time of writing and yakking with God. That time of going to work early, serving folk, was a joyous time. It also helped as I was able to eat at work. So, I at least had breakfast and lunch. I was on my own for supper and my days off.
Do you want to know something, beloveds? I did NOT feel poor. I did NOT feel lacking. Not at all. I just understood that the pennies didn’t stretch far enough.
Eventually, I made a bit more money. I moved on to a higher paying job. A more stressful job. I didn’t have as much time for quiet, for writing, for coffee. I began to miss that foodless time….lol.
Life is all about perspective. I am learning that every day. I am glad to be reminded of that time. Thinking about THAT time, got me to wondering where on earth THAT me was? The ME that enjoyed a cup of coffee with not much, but with more than enough?
Here I was, safe, free, half healthy, able to enjoy coffee whenever I wanted and had been a heaping ball of fear of the future.
It feels good to getting back to being ME. I am enjoying my coffee NOW. I am being thankful for what I currently have now. Yes, I am praying for finances. Yes, I am asking for next steps when it comes to my career and future.
In the meantime, I am enjoying simply being. Simple as that. Ah, God. Life is worth living. Even the hard days. Especially those. Hard helps brings us back to us!
Be encouraged, beloveds. Take stock. Put things into perspective. Lack does NOT mean you are lacking. Some things we lack we truly do not need. Yet, or maybe never.
Take care of yourself.
asking for A Friend, Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Life is something, eh? It’s all in how we look at it.
Note: I let discouragement discourage me. I let fear make me afraid. I allowed hard to stay hard. I allowed doubt to make me doubtful.
Why? Because I had forgotten to sing. I forgot to dance. I forgot my joy. I forgot to turn on my music. I chose to see nothing but darkness and the waves.
One day I got tired of the darkness. I got tired of being afraid. I got tired of doubting. I chose joy and love. I chose to turn on my music. I chose to dance. I chose to sing. I chose to be me. I chose to remember that all things come out in the wash.
Don’t give in to the lie that all is hopeless. It’s not. Life is tough for everyone right now. We can turn things around. We can live a life full of joy, peace and hope. We can’t care about our fellow men and women. We can take care of the elderly. We can make sure children have enough to eat. Even those who don’t look like us.
Don’t you dare allow apathy and fear to keep you from living a wonderful life. Leave that for timid souls who choose not to care and who choose to profit off of divisive miss and fear.
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 