Author: Cassandra S.

I am not strong: My file 🗄 cabinet.

I have been unpacking my file cabinet for the past few days.

My internal cabinet.

The ‘”I’ll get to it later” cabinet where I stored ALL the hard things, troubling things, angering things, extra lifery things I did not have time to deal with, at the time.

Now, jobless, I have nothing but time to unpack, peruse and feel🗄:

Anger.🩻

Anger.🩺

And, more anger.🔬

Dammit!!

*Cassandra angrily goes through an especially angering, humiliating and costly memory 🩸 she had to take the ‘high road’ on as that’s what GOOD stewards and Christians did*

Dammit!!

*Cassandra tosses aside visons of this, that and the other of being dismissed, silenced, passed over, glossed over, gaslit, not chosen and the fifty bajillion ways life was just NOT DAMNED FAIR!!!*

Dammit!!!

*Hearing the commotion, God quietly sat next to Cassandra and handed her memories that were simply too heavy, too hard, too embarrassing, too shameful for her to look at, much less bare the weight of*🩹

*Seeing her sad, both Night and Day decided to be with her as she worked her way through her file cabinet. It was needed, you see. Her cabinet had just grown too big to leave this way. She had thangs to do. Her cabinet MUST be emptied in order for her to move forward*🪣

DDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMITTTTTTTTTT!!!

working my way still🧯,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I am not strong. Not today. I have been fighting with myself about giving myself a break from beating myself up over things not done, things left unsaid. I am upset about opportunities not taken. Vacations pushed aside so I could take care of a world that now could give two hoots about me and my jobless, broke life.

I am grateful. Now, I have nothing to hide behind. Now, I have nothing but time to face things I had promised myself I would ‘take care of’ years and years ago. No wonder I have been so soul tired lately. So much garbage and baggage locked away.

Beloveds, we were never meant to walk around with years of regrets, undealt memories and situations.

We were meant to leave them at the Cross. It’s partially what Jesus came to do: Set us free. Be there for us. It’s what The Universe is partially here for: help us to walk this earth in VICTORY. Head held up as we live a life of integrity, truth and love. It’s what God is here partially for: to walk WITH us as we choose how we are going to maneuver through the world.

This is a painful time. Yet, a joyous one. I am living. I am growing. I am healing. I am learning about me. I am learning how to extend the grace God has graciously given me, to my fellow man.

I am being given countless opportunities to choose to stand on faith and NOT fear. Ah, beloveds, I chose fear more than I care to admit. NO more.

Yes, I shall experience fear. I choose, now, to fight back. I shant ever, never, nada, nope, forgetaboutit allow fear to run my choices.

I am using this hard to empty myself of ALL things holding me back. I invite you to do the same. Life is short. Don’t leave your file cabinet sitting for too much longer. Relieve yourself of the weight that has been easily besetting you and run the race set before you. Believers will know of what I speak. As for the rest, do the best you can and keep it moving. Asking for A Friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

No regrets, God said to me.

Me: If only I had done this.

God: Did you?

Me: No. If only I had tried that.

God: Did you?

Me: No. If only I had gone there.

God: Did you?

Me: No.

God: Why then are you wasting your now, lamenting about things not done then? Will doing this change your present?

Me: No.

God: NO regrets, beloved. You have done your best with what you have had. Besides, I have factored even your fear(s) into your equation. You are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. Be encouraged.

Me: K

I have been fighting and arguing with Reality for the past two days. Since having submitted my letter of resignation. Effective immediately. Fourteen and a half years.

The Universe has been cajoling me to take the leap. God has been asking me to take the leap of faith. Life has been imploring me to take the leap of belief. In Me. In the fact that I CAN. That I WILL. If only I take the chance on me.

So, closing my eyes and opening my heart, I lept.

Where? I have NO idea. It will be interesting to find out.

finding out what’s next,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I am reflective. I was a bit anxious. Until I climbed up onto The Father’s Lap and sat with Him.

I don’t know HOW to rest. I will have to learn. I am trying to give myself a month off before jumping back into the work fray. I find myself fighting to NOT try and obtain work immediately.

Work used to be my identity. Working hard was my everything. If I was not working hard and successfully, I felt as though I was not pulling my weight. I didn’t think I mattered much if I was not doing, going, giving, giving, doing, going. Rinse. Repeat.

Now, I don’t regret doing those things. I love doing so. I have just had to learn there is sooooooooooooooo much more to me than what I have, than what I do, then where I will go or be. I am loved. Period. As are you.

Beloveds, you don’t have to wait for a tornado to blow your entire life down. You can take the time, right now, to make changes. You can take the time, right now, to ask yourself what YOU want to and CHOOSE to do with the rest of your lfe.

Beloveds, the rest of your life is passing, right now, as you read these words. Are you doing what you have longed to? If not, what in the fresh hell are you waiting for?! Let’s go!!! Asking For A Friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Uprooted: Are you sure?😳

God: Are you sure?🥰

The Universe: Are you sure?🤗

Life: Are you sure?🥊👢

Me: Are you sure?!😳

I am:

Sure.

Certain.

Focused.

I have:

Begun.

Again.

I will:

Try.

Succeed.

Fail.

No matter.

What matters:

I am sure.

certain,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I have NO idea what comes next, beloveds. I DO know I am sure. Ah. Aha!

Don’t fear life’s disruptions. Disruptions can lead to awesomely amazing changes. It’s all in how we look at and embrace what happens. What are you DOING with your lemons? I think I shall make some pie with my current crop. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I am not strong: It’s okay to be Clark Kent.

I am not strong.

Not today.

Not for some time.

I wonder if I shall EVER regain my strength.

I wonder if I shall ever find my feet upon solid footing.

God: You are standing upon My Word. You are standing on faith. You are standing on joy. You are standing on love. You are standing with the fruits of the Spirit. How much safer could you be.

Ah.

Aha!

I am learning to be okay with being Clark Kent. I do NOT have to be Superman all the time. I can just be:

Tired.

Worn.

Uncertain.

Hesitant.

Why?

Because, as the Bible says, when I am weak, THEN He is strong. And, His Strength is made perfect in my weakness. It’s a good thing because I am awfully weak, at the moment.

I have never been allowed to be weak. Society DEMANDS black women to be stoic, strong. We are expected to champion, carry, deliver for the entirety of the world. We are not to have dreams.

Our dreams, we have been told, are to uplift and make true the dreams of everyone in the world. Then, and ONLY then, if there are a few meager scraps, we are able to hoard them and partake ONLY if no one else wants them.

Beloveds, hear me, we were NEVER called to bear the burden of the world. Yes, we serve others. Yet, ONLY out of choice, out of love, out of integrity, out of desire to make things better than where and when we found them.

We were NEVER meant to toss aside our dreams. We were NEVER asked to dismiss our why. We were NEVER supposed to keep our hearts away from love meant to love us.

Ah, beloveds. You are worthy. You are valued. You are cherished. Your life was worth the death of A King. Jesus. Even those who hate Him. Even those who don’t believe He is.

Ah, beloveds, lift up your head. Stop shaming you. Stop allowing others to shame you. They are only projecting THEIR shame onto you.

Ah, beloveds, it’s okay to be Clark Kent. You do NOT have to be Superman. You do NOT have to be strong.

Why?

Because, beloveds, you are loved. And, you are NOT alone.

Be encouraged. If you are weary, rest. If you are ready to move on, move. If you are ready to go, then go.

You got this. God has you. How much safer can you be?

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Beloveds, you are NOT alone. Life can feel awfully lonely. I have never felt soooooooooooooooo lonely in my life. Ever. I have also never felt so loved. Ever. By God.

Folks who I thought were friends, showed themselves not to be friendly. Folk who I thought had my back, turned their backs on me. Folk who I was CERTAIN would show me love, ghosted me instead.

Yet, God has been with me. Here. Now. He has gathered my tears. He has listened to my fears. He has held my dreams when I had tossed them aside. He has reclaimed prayers I had stopped giving Him thinking He had not and would not hear.

Be encouraged. This time is NOT here to break you. It’s here to help you realize you do NOT have to be Superman. Pick up your glasses, Clark Kent, and rest. God got this. Let Him be there for and with you. Asking for A Friend. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He. Jesus said ‘what’s up?”

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

I am not strong: Life kicked me in the hiney.👢

Life: 👢

Me: Ow.

Life: 👢

Me: Ow!

Life: 👢

Me: OW!! 😳😡

Life: 👢

Me: 😭🤬

Life: 👢🥊👢👢🥊🥊👢🤯🤡🥊👢

Day/Night: 🤼‍♀️.  You may want to spend less time wrestling with us, and more time addressing Life kicking your hiney. Not saying, just saying…

Me: K.

Life has been kicking my in the hiney for quite some time. Trying to get my attention. Trying to get me to move. Trying to get me to act in faith. Trying. Trying. Trying.

All the while, beloveds, I have been a trying soul for Life, for God, For The Universe to deal with. I have, had, been getting on my own last nerves.

I have been fighting.

Fighting me.

Fighting with me.

Fighting within me.

The me, with all the dreams, has been fighting with the me who had always been told she never could/would/should have all God, Life and The Universe had been preparing for me since before I was born.

For years, I have been wanting/needing to move forward. Onward. Somewhere!

Yet, I kept repeating lines others have whispered to me for the whole of my life:

“You never will”

“You never can”

“You are not enough”

“You don’t have”

“You won’t ever have”

“You can’t do THAT”

“You will never make it through THIS”

It’s not even that I believed them. It just seemed easier, somehow, to listen to them. Which led me to stop believing. In me. I stopped fighting. For me.

God knew this. Which is why He and The Universe kept sending Life to kick my hiney until I began to fight back.

For me.

With me.

Within me.

Now, beloveds, I fight with all that is within me. Bless His Holy Name.

Ah, God. Thank You for helping me to fight back.

Oh, Universe. Thank You for convincing me I could/can/shall/will.

Ow, Life. Thanks. Geeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

grateful for lessons learned,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Life is short, beloveds. Best get to living it. It’s time to stop allowing yourselves to be ruled by fear instilled by others. By fears fueled by you. By fear coming from not knowing what comes next.

Ah, beloveds. You CAN. You WILL! The ONLY way to find out is to actually get out there and find out. I have. More about that in upcoming posts. Let’s go!!!! Asking for A Friend. In case no one has told you today: I love you. So does He.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Stop judging you by your outcomes.

I’m resting.

I have no choice. My get up and go has long since got up and went where I know not.

This has been a trying time. Trying to rest my mind. Trying to NOT worry. Trying to stay positive.

Trying.

Trying.

Trying.

Ack and heckamiah! Trying sure can be trying!🤯😳

What’s worse, I’m not getting anywhere. In fact, I am moving backwards financially. Fresh hell.

I look at my little pile that is down to almost nothing and try not to judge my lack. I try not to judge ME.

I try not to judge me for not having healed years sooner so I could have gotten farther in the dream fulfillment category.

That said, beloveds, I have gained soooooooooooo much knowledge from EVERY loss.

I tell God it would be nice to get in the winning column soon. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

Until I do, I will continue to try and will leave the outcome to Those above my pay grade!

I am DONE beating myself up for not being where folks have told me I should be by now. I am where I am. Period. Nuff said. End of story.

This is NOT the end of my story. It’s just a new chapter. A tough chapter to read. An even tougher one to write. Ack. Eww. Ow!

I am grateful for the hard. Every hard is just another opportunity to exercise my faith. Each loss is just another chance to tell fear Ha! and that I STILL believe God. Every disappointment is but another door to dance victoriously through.

Ah, God. Thank You for being with me as I learn that Your Grace truly IS sufficient for all that I shall and am going through. Oh, Universe, I appreciate You for allowing me to fall on my face so I can and have learned to lose joyfully and graciously. Ow, Life. Just ow…

Beloveds, think it not strange, as the Bible say, of the trials you are going through. You SHALL come out and forth as gold!

Keep going.

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Stop judging yourselves by your outcome or lack thereof. Asking for A Friend. You got this. God has us all. In case no one has told you today: I love you. Be encouraged.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Blessed.

I am blessed.

I am here.

I am grounded.

I am satisfied.

I am content with what I have.

I am more than enough.

I am undefeated.

I am indefatigable.

I am many things.

I am blessed.

I am grateful for all that I have.

I am unmoved.

I am unfazed.

I am.

And, in being, I shall let my try speak for me.

being me,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Sometimes, beloveds, we need to declare who and what we are. When someone ask you what you do, show them who you are! Be encouraged. You CAN. You WILL!

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

Keep getting in your ten.

Eight.

EIGHT!

Me: I’m tired.

God: You promised you would write TEN pieces for the week. You have done eight.

Me: Only I will know, though.

God: Yes, only you will know. So will your dreams. So shall I.

Me: Geeeeeeeez. When You say it like that…*stomps to get in ten*

keeping my promise to ME,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s necessary to keep your promises to YOU, beloveds. Don’t let lazy stop you. Don’t let unbelief stop you. Don’t let your circumstances keep you from keeping the promises you have made to you.

Okay, have to go now. Another piece is calling me. Good habits can be awfully mean, can’t they?

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

You got this.

You got this.

You can do this.

You can have this.

You shall overcome this.

You shall rejoice and be glad in this.

You will receive this.

You will experience this.

What is the this I speak of?

God knows and He’s not telling.

Get out there and find out all He has in store for you.

getting this with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: You got this. Now go get it! Asking for A Friend.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Who are you waiting for?

What are you hoping for?

When are you thinking of going?

How long before you allow yourself to get going?

What are you waiting for?

asking for A Friend,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Go, beloveds. You got thangs to do.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!