Category: Writing

Ah, God.

Ah, God.

Thank YOU for wiping MY day and remaking Your Way.

I used to get mad at You.

For:

Not letting me have my way.

Not answering my every prayer.

Not keeping me from the messes I made.

Not leaving mom here.

Leaving me here without mom.

Telling me I could when I was sure I could/would not.

Not showing me how.

Forcing me to get to know me.

Ah, God.

I am grateful for:

The hard.

Your Silence when I craved your voice alone.

Leaving me alone when I was desperate for company.

Ah, God.

I apologize for:

Not believing You when You said I could.

Not believing enough in my try.

Not believing I could.

Ah, God.

I believe…

I will try.

Ah.

Aha!

believing in me,

Cassandra aka 25 and holding…

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: To be continued…

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being… YOU

Factory reset: Happy accidents.

I love it when God gives me a happy accident!

That’s what I call it when unexpected and supposed bad/hard/dumb things turn out to be wonderful and for our good.

My goofness of accidentally wiping out my apps, led me to trying new ones. I found a movie I probably would never have seen.

It’s called ‘A Good Person.’ I’m still watching it. I paused to reach out to you to say this:

Life happens. Sometimes, we happen to our lives. In ways not always helpful. Yet, those happenings can STILL work for our good. IF, we are willing to forgive and move on.

Maybe, you have someone(s) to forgive? You? Them? God? Life? The Universe? A friend? A Friend? A foe?

Maybe, just maybe, you can allow a factory reset, in your heart??

Maybe??

Forgiveness does NOT mean you don’t understand the gravity. You do. Forgiveness simply means an open heart that says it’s not alright but it is okay. I forgive. I choose to love. I choose to move forward.

I have asked 54 year old me, for forgiveness. For not trusting her more. For not allowing her out of the box I had kept her in for decades.

54 said it wasn’t alright but is now okay. Life moves on, 54 said. Said 55 and counting needs me. Said for me to never look back as she is okay. Her time is done. 55 awaits, she said. Go!

I go, now. But, before I do, I pause and invite yall to come with me. We have lives to LIVE, don’t we?

Let’s go!

going/growing with you,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 55 has a lot to say. All I want to do on my birthday is to tell as many folks as I can:

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being… YOU

55: Factory reset.

Afternoon, beloveds.

Apparently, I am not the only thing being reset today. Have had to reset my Firestick so I can get back to movie mode.

Now I have a bit of time, to wax loquaciously about the need to:

Turn on the lights.

Read the directions.

Don’t allow lazy to use the remote.

Yes, on and on and on I can expound about how life will this and that and we must choose to do this an that and…

Fresh hell!

Why Cassandra?!

I must admit, being forced to do a factory reset, I can have a do over and try some new apps!

Don’t despair or waste time, beloveds, when you have made an opposition. Don’t beat yourself up. You happened to life this time. So what?

Download some new apps and get on with your life. High time we all stopped punishing ourselves for what we have done. It’s what forgiveness is for.

I am content.

Finally.

Ah.

I no longer chastise myself for not being strong or not knowing how. I don’t have to be strong. I don’t have to know. I shall grow into that knowledge, as I:

Try.

Fail.

Laugh.

Live.

Love.

Hope.

Believe.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Take care of your hearts, beloveds. Yall are too precious to keep dismissing you. Stop that! Be encouraged and remember that you are loved and you are not alone.

reset again(!),

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ah!😊

55: Okay then…

Okayyyyyyyyyyyy then….

Oooooppsss….

Hhhmmm….

*scratches head*

Okay, so….

Well crapola!!!

Wwhhhhhyyyyyyyy, Cassandra!

God: You probably should have turned on the lights BEFORE you accidentally deleted your streaming apps from your Smart 📺 TV.

Me: Apparently my Smart TV 📺 ain’t too smart!….*stamps foot*

Smart 📺 TV: Hey! I TOLD you to turn on the lights!

Jesus: Yea, Cassandra, you were so advised. You had cheesecake on the brain.

The Universe: Speaking of which, who is down for cheesecake since Cassandra wiped out the streaming apps from the Smart TV 📺. Which I thought was really smart. Smh. Great job. I was looking forward to movie morning.

Me: Hey! Way to kick a sista whilst she is down. On her double nickle day, no less…*pout *

CHEESECAKE! CHEESECAKE!

The sounds of CHEESECAKE CHEESECAKE was so loud it shook Cassandra out of bed and towards the fridge…

Huh?

What yall want?

Can you have some cheesecake?

Sure.

*Cassandra turns on some music and invites one ad all to 🎉 celebrate 55 years of life with her*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Cassandra

#HereForIt

#ItsMyBirthday!

#55

55: Happy birthday, Cassandra.

Tada!

She is here!

Double nickles!

55!

💥🤸‍♀️🎵🎶🎹🎸🪗🎷🥁🪘🪇🪈

Happy birthday to me…hehe

25 and holding,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ehem, it’s MY birthday! I have the day off. Yall ought be showering me with notes and we’ll wishes…hint.

Have been having a blast! Stayed up ALL night watching football and shows. Fixing to enjoy cheesecake and coffee before 6 am!🤷‍♀️

Yall behave and remember to love one another. Remind each other how very priceless your lives are. Be sure to remember:

You are loved. You are NOT alone!

Ow, God!

Ow, God!

Oh, God!

Whew!

God has been squeezing me like toothpaste!

All day.

ALL day.

Asking me to:

Feel.

Feel?

Feel!

Dammit.

I don’t have time to feel. I just want to be there, already. Where ever the heck The Universe has been cajoling me to!

Ow!

Being asked to look into me has been:

Discombobulating.

Interesting.

Horrifyingly interesting and discombobulating.

I am thankful. I have been able to be vulnerable and safe and ooey and gooey.

Life is short. I have been feeling the winds of change all up in my hind end😂.

Don’t be afraid, beloveds, when your heart says ow, as The Universe stretches you and enlarges your borders.

Don’t hide. Let folk in. Let folk love you IN REAL TIME.

Stop feeling like your feelings are a burden. They are not. YOU are NOT a burden, beloveds. It can be hard not to feel like one.

I’m going to admit to something I had never thought about until just now:

I have spent the majority of my life ministering to the world. Instead of living my life and enjoying it.

Yes, I enjoy encouraging folk.

Yes, I enjoy helping folk.

Yes, I enjoy supporting folk.

Yet, I don’t know that I have allowed folk to encourage, help, support and love me IN REAL TIME.

No more, God said. It’s time, beloveds, for us to take down all the walls that keep us from experiencing life and love. I am on Day 1 of that.

How about you?

living in real time,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: It’s time.

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being… YOU

55: I hear you.

Wow.

My heart has been quite loud, today.

I have been feeling EVERY lonely mile, today. The day before 55. I told myself I would get my pieces done, today, so I could enjoy my birthday, tomorrow.

Hopefully, I will be in the midst of enjoying 55. She has been scaring holy hell out of me for weeks. I wonder what she shall say/do?

I don’t know where the world all these feels have come from! Yikes! Egads!

55!

Whew.

What do I DO with you? What do I do with ME?

Ack.

I know not, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to admit that perhaps I am afraid of you, 55.

wondering what to do with me now,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: I’m…sheesh don’t know. Was trying to encourage folk. All I have managed to do was chase sad around ALL day. Be encouraged. It’s okay to drip your feels every which way. How else will you know how you feel?

Remember:

You are loved. You are NOT alone. Keep on being… YOU

P.S. I wouldn’t be mad to see some bday well wishes in my email 📬.

Mismatched pillowcases: Unapologetically you.

I was tired.

It was time to do some laundry.

I did not feel like fighting with the Canyon with the California king to wrest away the bottom sheet.

I was feeling lazy.

Lazy just wanted to do the pillow cases. Who cares if they didn’t match, Lazy said. From once I agreed with Lazy.

I washed pillow cases. I used them with another set.

A bed crime!

*gasp*

Of course, the world did not sway from it’s axis.

Who knew?!

I have been raised to:

Color, WITHIN, the lines.

Walk on the PROPER, side of the street.

Keep, my head DOWN and my mouth SHUT.

Don’t ask.

Don’t cry.

Settle, for the scraps.

As a person of color, I was raised NOT to make waves so I could obtain a decent enough job, to pay the bills. White folk are often ‘nervous’ around displays of emotions. From, peep of color, it appears.

Diverging off topic, I think black/white kids were not given enough credit and raised, unintentionally I feel, to distrust and fear, the other side. It colored ALL interactions and choices.

Back to the mismatched pillow cases…

They were clean. They were comfy. I slept peacefully. Unapologetically. This is MY bed. I can mismatch, if I wanna!

I say all that to say this:

Don’t allow the world to box you in. Different is NOT bad. Just different.

Lift up your head.

Be YOU.

Unapologetically.

Ah, crackers, my feels are spilling everywhere, today. 55 will be here, tomorrow. I will be alone, tomorrow.

Crap.

??,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note:🥳😥

In the meantime: Cut yourself some slack.

It’s cold.

I’m tired.

I want to tell try to kick rocks.

I want to tell b eabout it to be about it, without me.

I don’t do those things.

Why?

Because I got thangs to do.

Thangs won’t get done without my try.

Cut yourself some slack, beloveds. There will be days when you just don’t want to. Do so anyway. You got thangs to do.

In the meantime, start being more gentle with yourself. You are not a failure just because things are not working out at the moment. You will get there some kind of way. We all will.

In the meantime, just keep doing the best you can. Don’t live in your feelings. Feelings can lie to us. Feelings, at times, like to go on and on about gloom and doom. I tell feelings to shut up, quite a hit. Stop being soooooooooooooooo dramatic!

He left.

So what?

It didn’t work out the way you thought.

So what?

You weren’t selected.

So what?

You never married.

So what?

You didn’t go there.

So what?

Those things have already happened. What purpose, does it serve, lamenting all the coulda/shoulda/wouldas? They DIDN’T! They DID!

Move on.

Move forward.

Move!

*Cassandra turns from the mirror, and moves on with the rest of her life*

doing thangs,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Cut yourself some slack, beloveds. Nuff said!

You are loved. You are NOT alone. Keep on being you.

55: Deliciously vulnerable.

Vulnerable!

Naked!

Exposed!

Whew!

The closer I get to 55, the more vulnerable, naked and exposed I feel!

Yikes!

Delicious!

I want to:

Run.

Hide.

From:

Me.

Me?

Me!

This vulnerable me, is ready to take on the world. Leaving me, Cassandra, shakened AND stirred. Alive. Wondering. Wanting.

I used to be afraid to want. I was always afraid The Universe would say no or make me feel like a fool for wanting at all.

I used to be afraid.

I used to.

Ah.

Aha!

I am no longer fearful of being afraid. Of failing. Of failure.

Peace looks good on me!

Too many folk are running around trying to be ‘happy’ all the time. What does that even mean? For most, it means they want the world to be a butler and doing EVERYTHING for them. Ha!

I am vulnerable.

I am naked.

I am exposed.

Delicious!

deliciously vulnerable,

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: 55 is almost here! What will she bring?!🥰

Remember:

You are loved and you are not alone.