Recovery: Call me Tank!🥊

I have been up.

All night.

ALL night.

Watching 🥊 boxing.

Why?

I am angry.

Angry at a world that sent a 🌪 tornado that has turned my actual world upside down.

Angry, a tiny bit, at:

Life?

Me?

God?

Me?

The Universe?

Me?

You?

Me?

Me?!

Hmm.

Okay, beloveds. I have been found out. I am angry at ME!😡🤯😳🥺😥😠❗️🚨🤗🥊🌪❤️‍🩹

Why?

I have been asking myself and asking myself and asking myself and asking myself WHY, truly, REALLY, HONESTLY I have not yet fulfilled MY dreams.

I have helped many fulfill theirs. I have prayed many through their frustration as they worked towards their dreams.

I have celebrated THEIR successes. I have been proud of them. I still am.

As for me and MY dreams…*sigh*.

I made them wait.

I put them on hold.

I told them my turn would come.

Someday.

I had to be:

Practical.

Prudent.

Mindful.

In my eyes, my dreams don’t pay much. Or, no one would pay for work produced by MY hands.

My work was not worthy to be purchased by the masses.

My work was not of the quality to grace the halls of those in the know.

My work wasn’t this.

My work wasn’t THAT.

My work ALWAYS fell short, somehow.

I had no proof, beloveds.

I was just afraid to try.

I was afraid my work would be rejected.

I was afraid I would be rejected.

Ah.

Aha!

I’m afraid of rejection, no more. Rejection has been my daily bread for so long I am used to it…*shrug*.

Now, I am angry at the darkness that has made so many afraid.

Now, I am angry at apathy that is allowing hate to run rampant.

Now, I am angry at lazy for allowing so many wasted moments, minutes and days to pile upon one another.

Now, I am angry at all that I have allowed to hold me back.

Now, I am utilizing all that anger so I can defeat ALL that which besets me and tries to get in my way.

Ha!

Move!

I got thangs to do!

Call me Tank!..lol. That’s who was pummeling his foe. Yikes! Whew! Glad it wasn’t me up in that ring.

After the fight, I was ready to get back in MY fight. For so many days, too many days, I have been wandering around all dazed and confused. Afraid to go outside. Afraid to clean out the fridge and throw away all the spoiled food I had paid a bajillion million dollars for.

Now, I rise. I take out the trash, in the midst of the rubble that is now my neighbohood.

Now, I put on boxing gloves so I can continue to fight Reality which comes, on the daily. Taunting me. Telling me I am an old, washed up lady whose time has long passed her by.

Reality says love left with the tornado. My dreams were swept away by the horrible winds that reaped destruction for all the world to literally see.

Yet, I find myself hopeful. Still Shhhhhhhhheeeeeeut!

Ah, God. Why, oh, why, did you not allow hope to be taken away with the tornado? All this hope, unfulfilled, is weighting me down. My heart still years, still burns to do…..dammit, I don’t KNOW. It has been yearning for decades.

Release me. Let me be the me You keep insisting is in here. Where is she? Allow her to be. Only You can help me now. All the rest is but sinking sand. Goodness and gravy.

asking wearily for a friend(me),

Cassandra

#YourLifeMattersToMe

Note: Ah, God. When shall THIS battle end? Asking for a friend(me).

One step.

One step.

One step.

You are loved.

You are NOT alone.

Keep on being…YOU!

• COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️‍🩹
• BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
• Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
• Still In Love
• REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢