God spoke when I shut up whining, er, complaining, er, praying. 💯🤣
Nuff said. I sowwy, Father. Oops.
*Cassandra promises to stop all the carrying on and to carry on*
Geez, Cassandra…
Kinda hard to hear, beloveds when we are full of fear, doubt, despair, apathy, hopelessness, and all their friends.
This last year has been teaching me HOW to accept the fact that I am just one human soul trying her best to make it in the world. Simple as that.
I can understand now why I have not yet been able to find a job. The universe keeps standing in my way so I can face the fact that I am more than what I produce. I used to define myself on how hard I could run myself into the ground for everyone in the world.
I was raised to empty everything I had and to pour it into everything, into everyone, everywhere.
Don’t get me wrong. I love giving. I love extinct myself. It’s the overextending that gets us into trouble.
The world would have you believe you HAVE to continually be there for people twenty-four hours of every single day, or you just don’t count a matter. This is simply not true.
I am 56 years old. I have been working most of my life. I had work non-stop for most of that time.
Before the tornado last year, I have never taken an extended period of time off. I had been struggling for the last few years before that. I was tired. I was exhausted. I need to break so badly.
My spirit kept telling me. I needed at least a year off to rest. In fact, my heart had been asking me to take a year off to just rest, write, breathe, and see what life had to offer.
I told myself I couldn’t. I had to be there for everyone. Someone might need me in that time. I had bills to pay.
I used every excuse in the book. Yet, I was so tired. I began to resent being at work. I loved my job. I enjoyed the people I worked with. Still, I was tired, and I wanted to take a break.
The tornado decided things for me. I was torn. At times, I am still torn. Muscle memory tells me.I should be working myself into the ground still.
God tells me to rest. I fought with guilt for many months. Even now, I fight with a tad bit of guilt that I should be doing SOMETHING to help SOMEONE. To be doing SOMETHING for some reason or other.
Inadvertently, the tornado has given me the year off I have been craving for, for the last decade or so!
God knows I NEEDED this time to truly heal. I had never given myself permission to grieve mom’s loss in 2016.
I had never given myself permission to grieve the loss of having to uproot my life and move to a state I had never lived in when the job decided to close where I was working with 60 days notice! I had 60 days to find a job, find a car, move myself to one state while helping my sis move to another.
On top of THAT, I ended up losing more than 3,000 dollars after being scammed by a “friend” who had a truck and business who I paid, upfront, to move my things and move sis and her things.
None of that happened. The driver never showed up. I ended up having to lose EVERYTHING except what I could pack into the car I eventually found. I ended up giving most of my things away and leaving the rest on the literal curb for folk to pick up.
I had no choice. I had to be working in my new town in two months’ time. In the meantime, I still had to work.
In the meantime, we had to convince our mom to have her leg amputated, or she would be dead within the next few hours/data. Initially, she said no. So, I had to have a possible last call with mom. I didn’t pressure her. I supported her decision. I prepared to let her go. She had the surgery.
I moved. Alone. Mom made it til that Christmas morning, 2016. She died. I kept working. No break. I was tired. Sooooooooooo tired.
No time to grieve the loss of mom, my money, my things, my sense of self, my bearings. On top of this, I now had to support two households as it took sis and my income to survive.
Things worked themselves out but left me a tired, in need of a rest, worn out, devastated, secretly dying inside person who desperately needed TIMS off.
Toss in a few illnesses, some bad storms, a few terribly tough work situations, and you can image the mess that was me BEFORE the tornado.
Starting my blog, five years ago, was the beginning of healing for me. God told me to write after mom died. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t bear her loss. I can’t bear it now.
I say all that so you can understand I really did need a break….lol
I am finally resting. I am finally grieving all my losses. I’m finally giving myself permission to feel all the things I have not allowed myself to feel since 2016. It has been hard. It has been lonely. It has been difficult.
It has also been joyful. It has also been freeing. It has also been wonderful. It has been hopeful. It is been many things.
I understand why God has been silent. He knew I needed this time to hear from my own heart. He knew I needed this time to be still. He knew I needed this time to understand I am much more than what I have done in my jobs and for others.
I just stopped by to let someone know it’s OK to rest. It’s OK to give yourself permission to grieve a loss. It’s OK to understand that you don’t have to understand all the time.
I am also here to tell someone there is true healing and peace on the other side of grief and hard.
I’m sorry I went so deep for a bit there. My heart needed to let all of that go. Thank you for allowing me the freedom to do so here. I am free from all of that pain. Yes, I miss Mom terribly. Yes, those were some tough days. Still, they help bring out the best in me. They brought me to this blog. They brought me to you!
Life is worth living. Even when it’s hard. You will get through what you need to get through. Keep moving forward. Keep looking up. I love you. So does He
asking for A Friend,
Cassandra
#YourLifeMattersToMe
Note: Whew, eh? Be encouraged. All things really will and do work together for good for those…
One step.
One step.
One step.
N
You are loved.
You are NOT alone.
Keep on being…YOU!
- COME SIT AT MY TABLE 🪑❤️🩹
- BELOVEDS, YOU CAN HAVE MY FLOWERS. I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
- Forgive them, Cassandra, God said to me
- Still In Love
- REAL TALK: DESPISE NOT SMALL BEGINNINGS, BELOVEDS.👘🦺🥾👟🥿👞🩴👢🩰👡⛑️🔌🕯️🔎🖌️🖋️📢
Why Can't I Be Loud?! 